Sunday, October 6, 2013

New post on new blog

I wrote a pretty vulnerable post today on my new blog.

Check it out HERE!

Monday, September 23, 2013

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

New Blog

I feel that this blog has run it's course. It was extremely valuable to me during the days of TTC, and now our family has taken a very different turn. 

I've started a new blog to chronicle that journey. Come find us at heartforfoster.blogspot.com. I feel that a new blog for a new direction is important. It will primarily be about my journey in foster care and adoption. 

Thank you all for all the support you have offered me! 

Friday, May 10, 2013

Yet another "it's been a while post"

For me, blogging is something I do when I'm down. I pulled up the blog last week to write because I had been super depressed, and I needed to get through my feelings about life. But then something happened (that something likely involved the toddler) and I never wrote the post. I never allowed myself to heal from whatever it was that I needed to get out.

And then yesterday we got a call. Yes- one of THOSE calls. The call that I told my CW NOT to call me with anymore. Because I'm a sucker. And I want to help everyone. The last call we got, I had to say no. We were moving in a WEEK, and we just weren't equipped. And that was OK, because I didn't know at the time that we had a big ole storm headed our way. That is a post for another day, but it's been one hell of a year so far. 

So when my adorable CW started out the phone call with "So, I have this situation....", my brain had already said No. But then she started talking, and I was intrigued, and I couldn't get the situation out of my head.

D & R are 12 year old twins. (I really need some creative nicknames, I'll try to come up with something next week) D is an active boy, who loves sports of all kinds. We will have to forgive the fact that he is a Michigan State fan ;).
R is a vibrant and active girl who is just adorable. She is artistic and has a beautiful voice, and captured my heart from moment one. 

See here's the thing. I have 3 kids already. 5, 4 and almost 2. And they are a HANDFUL. I knew that I couldn't handle any more little ones. But our age range says "0-5". And I was adamant about that. What in the WORLD could I possibly know about raising a tween? 

Nothing.

No really, NOTHING. I was a pretty good kid. I never rebelled. I wasn't into drugs, I had a model childhood. What am *I* going to have in me, that can help a tween in foster care?

I still haven't figured that part out, but I know God has found a home for them. They belong here, at least for now. 

So when my CW said that she was looking for a home for twins, I thought "OH NO". I thought she meant young twins. And when she said twelve, my world shifted. I could handle 12. It would be hard, but it wouldn't ADD to my current issues. Because I'm pretty sure they are already potty trained, and they should be past the point of throwing themselves on the ground because they don't like my choice of dinner.

Things have been insane around here, and I need a BREAK. So WHY in the world would I accept MORE kids, when I've been saying for weeks that I just need to get AWAY? Because I'm certifiably insane. 

So I called my husband, and we hemmed and hawed, and we went to our PRIDE training that night, and decided to do it.

They will be moving in tomorrow around 1. They have two other siblings in Foster Care, one of which is placed with a friend of ours. The twins are currently staying with her, but she can't keep them long term. She is absolutely giddy that they are coming here, and I have to agree with her.

So many things had to work out *just right* for me to be in the right place to say yes to this. And God arranged it all. He is SO GOOD. I can't praise him enough tonight.

I know that I will struggle, and I will wonder WHY he thinks I am capable of doing this, but I love these kids. They are GOOD KIDS. I don't mean to say that all foster kids are BAD KIDS, because I don't believe that. But this is a case where they have been dealt a crappy hand, and they just keep trying, and pushing. And they have been fortunate to have some great people on their side to fight for them! 

I am so excited to start this new chapter in our lives. We will have FIVE kids as of tomorrow! 




Monday, September 17, 2012

God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.

I've been repeating this to myself for over an hour.

Because today is one of those days when I look at God and say "Are you SURE you got this right? Because it's starting to fall apart, and I don't FEEL like this is right."

I know that we are called to foster. And most days, I know that we have been called to care for J. But today has been rough. Not because of J- although he can be difficult. But he is a 1 year old. And my soon to be 4 year old has given me a run for my money this morning. Maybe it's because she was a foster child. Maybe it's because she is just a strong willed child, but today she has broken my heart. Today I wonder if this was REALLY the right thing to do. Maybe what everyone else says is true. Maybe we shouldn't have taken J. Maybe I've put my children's mental well-being at risk.

She has been SO disprespectful, and SO defiant and SO angry for the last two months. And today she has completely broken me.

I don't know if I really believe all of that, but please keep me in your prayers. Because my heart is breaking today. And it's all semi-normal parenting stuff- but because I foster, I have a thousand other reasons to try and explain the behavior, so I immediately jump to those.

It could simply be that I'm trying to cut out naps for her and she's tired. But all I know is that the last week has been HARD. I've tried EVERYTHING to get her to change her behavior, and it won't work. I'm tired. I'm hurt. And I'm tired of trying. I second guess everything I do. And I worry that I'm going to screw them up for life.

Mommy guilt is killer.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Siblings

It's amusing to see my kids adjust to having Junior around. He is of course 13 months and therefore into everything, and doesn't understand the word NO. Despite the fact that it has become the most used word in our house lately.

They've stopped walking on eggshells around him, and are now fighting with him just as much as they fight with each other. G just yelled at him about a blanket, and just heard from A was "Leave me alone MAN" LOL.

And then there was the moment this morning when G comes in to tell me that the baby is awake, but she didn't want me to come get him because she wanted to play. And they played with him for about a half hour while I got to relax in bed. And listen to them over the monitor. It was adorable.

In other news, Juniors mom is apparently struggling with the reality that it is going to take a long time to get J back. She was thinking she would get him back after 90 days. I'm hoping to make a photo book and write a letter to her to encourage her. I don't want her to stop trying. I think she really does want him back and I hope she will do what is necessary to get to that point. It looks like it's going to be a long road though.


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Mommy Guilt

It's a heavy thing. It weighs you down, and you often carry it everywhere.

I suffer from mommy guilt about many things. Having jumped head first into parenting with kids who were already 3 and 4, I'm learning as I go, and I am notorious for comparing myself to other moms. Ya know, the ones who gave birth to their children and have been doing this for 3+ years and have figured out how to manage their schedules with children. Because that seems logical in that moment.

In all reality- my kids watch too much TV, I lose my patience all the time. I spend too much time on the computer/cell phone because I'm stressed out, and I feel guilty because we spend a good amount of time at home, when I would rather be out doing things.

And those articles on parenting websites? They don't help. They make you feel like you are always making the wrong choice. Whether it be about what school to send them to, what carseat to buy, what food to feed them, and how you should arrange your schedule.

Today I choose to believe that my kids won't die from watching TV. That my sanity is important in their lives as well as my own, and that as long as I find a good balance, they will understand and they will get the attention they crave and deserve. I choose to believe that I don't have to be perfect, and that comparing myself to other moms will only lead me to destruction.

Of course, I will probably start the destructive cycle over again tomorrow, because every good mom I know suffers from Mommy guilt. But today, I'm giving myself a pass. And you too!

Lord, please help me to find balance in my life and not feel guilt when there is no need to. I thank you for all of my beautiful children, and I pray that you help me to do what is best for them, no matter what the circumstance.