Praying For a Family

I've been gone for a while,

2012-02-11T20:36:00.000-08:00

as life has been rather hectic lately- I'm sure you can imagine.

But I had an "aha" moment tonight, and as usual- I feel the need to type it out- so here I go.

*DISCLAIMER* This is a jumbled up nonsensical mess. I typed as I thought, and didn't edit much. So if you get through it- you will be rewarded with a small update at the bottom- or ya know- you could skip the crazy and go straight to the update :)

I was perusing Pinterest (which is addicting by the way) and I came across THIS article. I only got through the first page before a concept hit me. God CALLS us to care for the orphaned. I'm not saying that everyone has to adopt, or that it's right for everyone- because it's not. What I'm saying is that this is God's calling for my life, and he knows me better than I know myself. He knows that I like to stay in my comfort zone.

I KNOW that we are meant to foster, and adopt, and help as many children in the foster care system as they will let us. But two years ago- I didn't know this. I was focused on babies. I wanted a BABY. The "normal" way. I was SO focused on it that I put fostering on a back burner- saying that we would do it "later".

I sadly know that if I had gotten what I prayed so fervently for- for so many months- I would not have fostered. Maybe much later in my life, but I doubt even then. I would have gotten comfortable in my life. I would have enjoyed my baby, and had another, and then once we hit three, I would have said- "well I'm done now". And I never would have stopped to consider the children who were waiting for my love. And God has blessed me with the heart for fostercare. And he will somehow give me the grace to get through whatever is thrown my way.

I've always known that I wanted to be a Mom, but somehow today- I finally understand what my calling in life is. TO HELP CHILDREN. Not just in a hands off way, but to take them into my home, into my heart- and to change their lives the only way I know how. To love them. I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to have everything together (which I feel I NEVER do). All I have to do is Love them. That part is easy. The rest- the discipline and the tantrums and the politics that come with Fostering- That part God will have to take care of, and give me the strength to handle. But I know that we are not even close to done. We want at least two more, and then once our kids are grown- and we have made it through parenting teenagers- we want to take in teenagers. If God leads us in that direction of course.

So for the first time in almost 3 years- I am thankful for Infertility. Not just accepting, but THANKFUL. Because had I not gone through all that struggle, we would have never chosen to foster, and I would still be feeling like something is missing.

And for a fun note- we are moving forward on the adoption for A and G, and we have chosen new names for them. Adoption should be finalized in April!! I'm overwhelmed by how awesome these kids are, but that's a much longer post than this one already is :)

I'm having a very good week

2011-12-21T19:35:00.000-08:00

My house is a mess (and I mean that more than you think, this isn't just kid mess- this is "I don't feel like cleaning ANYTHING mess) and I'm way behind on laundry- but I am JOYFUL. I feel like I'm coming out of my depression, but I'm not jumping the gun- I'm simply enjoying it.

I love these kids. More than I realized, and more than I thought possible. The true moment it hit me was in a conversation with DH about something, where the implication that they would be taken from us was brought up. Instinctively I thought "I can't lose them".

This may seem like a small thing, but for me- it was a turning point. I had been struggling- and I didn't feel like a MOM. I didn't feel like their mom for sure. But in that moment, I finally admitted to myself that they are MINE. God created them to be my children. I'm crying once again as I write this, because it's clearing up for me.

I spent two years crying over the desire for a baby. I wanted to be a mother SO badly, and I wanted to be pregnant. And I needed to go through all that to get to where I am now. If I had gotten pregnant right away, we probably still would have done fostercare down the road- but not right now. Not when our kids needed us. So all the whys, and the whens have been answered. I'm still foggy, but I'm starting to distance and see God's plan. It is beautiful and more amazing than I could ever imagine. G is starting to call me "Mommy" almost exclusively. Today she went on a string of "MOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOM" and I've never been more happy to be annoyed!

I feel like I need a quote, something to neatly wrap up how I feel about my life right now. I'm so blessed. I'm so excited for Christmas, and excited for every moment that is to come. God is good- SO GOOD.

Don't get me wrong, I still want to get pregnant (not right now) and I still want a baby- but that ache is gone. I'm a mom. I'm starting to feel it, believe it and trust it. These beautiful children came into our lives and have made me SO GRATEFUL for this holiday. This is truly the best Christmas I've ever spent.

I know that if anyone had told me in my moment of pain that I would be GRATEFUL for it- I would have slugged them. Truly- I would have. But today, I am grateful for every tear and every heartbreaking moment. Because I am here today, and I know that not only was it worth the pain- it was completely necessary. And I am truly stronger.

I wish all of you a very merry Christmas, and if you are still struggling you are in my prayers. I pray that you find God's path for you, whatever that may be- and that he carries through through this time.

Much better day today

2011-11-01T17:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all the kind words yesterday. Today is much better, and I had a meeting with Miss C today.

We talked about the kids and just about everything under the sun. I was a little frazzled, but we talked about a multitude of other things.
Among those things are changing the kids names, contact with the bio family and the most interesting development is the situation about us opening our license up again.

We had decided that once we move (we are house hunting right now) we want to open it back up for foster/adopt for an infant- under 18mo. I mentioned this to her and even said that if we had the beds I would do respite right now if we had the beds, but in this house we don't.

And then she mentioned a newborn who is looking like she will be removed from the home. Only a few weeks old. And I remembered I have a PNP that can go in my room and although I didn't say I definitely would, I told her I'm not entirely against taking in an infant right now (After yesterday I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea)

I'm not sure if it's a good idea, or if it would be good for Lil Man and Lil G- but it's out there. I talked to Lil Man and Lil G about it and they seem excited about the prospect of a baby in the house, but I'm sure they don't entirely understand. I am going to ask their therapist if she thinks it is a bad idea or not.

DH is on board, and I would LOVE to have a baby around, I'm just not sure I can handle it. But I know that if it is God's will- he will give me the strength (and the energy!) to handle it. So we will see how things pan out.

Today is a crack down day of sorts with the kids. They have been MUCH better and they seem to be back to my normal happy kids. Lil G is seeming to be the biggest problem- and I really think she was allowed to do whatever she pleased at FMoms house, and doesn't understand being expected to listen, and follow directions here.

So all in all, GREAT day. The best part was DH getting up with the kids and allowing me to sleep until 11am :D I told him I needed a break after yesterday lol.

Oh that? That's just crow

2011-10-31T18:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, I posted that I'm not that mom that yells- well today I became that mom. Today has been bad. Very bad. Too much to post but let's say that I ruined dinner, my flour container (melted on the stove- I rock) and I spent the entire day yelling at my kids.

I'm tired. And crow does not taste good. How long does the honeymoon phase last? Because I think it's over. I hope it is. Today is bad.

::rummaging through cabinets for alcohol::

Jumping into parenting

2011-10-25T19:43:00.000-07:00

We have jumped head first into parenting two Preschoolers, and it has been an interesting ride. I honestly don't know how I would have lasted the last month without Love and Logic. It's a parenting technique that quite a few of my Foster Mom friends recommended, and I started reading it even before we met the kids. I haven't even gotten all the way through the book, but every page I read helps me more.

This is the exact book I'm reading, and I've had it from the library for almost a month and a half.

The kids are testing us more and more, and today was the first day I really felt a L&L WIN. I took the kids to the park after quiet time so they could run off some energy. Lil Man doesn't really enjoy QT, but amazing actually slept for about an hour of it today.

We had a good time at the park until Lil Man had to go to the restroom. Thankfully the park we were at had semi clean facilities, so the three of us walked over to them. They aren't far from the playground area, but further than I was willing to leave Lil G by herself, so she walked with me. While Lil Man was in the restroom, she was playing. I turned my back for just a second to help him, and she decided to run back to the swings. Once I figured this out I was SO MAD. My first reaction was to yell at her until she realized what a bad idea this was. But with G that wouldn't work even if I had tried it. I yelled for a moment until she heard me from where she was (much further than I was comfortable with) and watched her until she got to me. I worked a little L&L magic and told her we would be leaving the park.

Boy did it work. She cried (which she always does) and was not happy, but she knew exactly what was going on and WHY we had to leave. And at bedtime she told me all about how she "didn't listen" and "ran away from me".

Lil Man has been a little harder to work with on some issues, but overall I have been SO happy for L&L. I am actually that calm parent that rarely yells that I never thought I would be!!!

And when I do yell (I have yelled at them a couple times this week, and then felt really badly) they take notice because I rarely do. It's amazing!!

I know things they will continue to test us, and we will have much worse days, but it's good to know that I can handle this!!!

In other news, G has gone two days now with no potty accidents. I feel like I'm potty training myself since she won't tell me if she has to go- but as long as I tell her, and I don't let her go more than an hour or so between potty breaks- the accidents don't happen! :D

Major update, and shift in focus

2011-10-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

So things are crazy around here these days. Biggest news of all- I'm a MOM!!! Lil Man and Lil G arrived on 9/29 and things have been a whirlwind ever since.
The good, the bad and the fantastic.

They both have been diagnosed with attachment disorder (can't remember the exact terms) but are in therapy and are actually doing quite well.
TPR was on the 29th before they moved in and the Bio parents officially have no rights.
They are amazing kids and I love having them here, even in the bad moments.
Lil Man is having some control issues, which is to be expected, and we are working on them.
They call me "Mommy" on occasion as well as calling DH "Daddy". They are mixed in with our first names, and that is perfectly fine with us.
We have a meeting with the adoption worker next week, to get the process started, but it will probably take about 7 months. They have to be living with us for 6 before they can file anything.
Lil G is potty training, and we are on day 2 of just big girl panties (excluding naps and bedtime). Both days have yielded only one accident, so I count that as a success! I have to continually remind her to go potty, but I don't have to push hard to convince her to go, and she is good at holding her bladder, just not very happy about stopping whatever she is doing to go to the bathroom.

So all in all, things are going great. Things are starting to sink in that I am a MOM finally, and that after all this time everything is right with the world. GOD IS GOOD. In case you weren't aware, I have two beautiful reminders of this on a daily basis.

I'm going to try and change things around here. I feel like my blog needs a new look for this new phase. Who knows when I will actually have time, but I will be working on it. On top of that, the focus will be talking about the kids and my struggles/successes with them. I am sure the occassional IF topic will come up, and that is still a big part of this process, but our story has taken a big turn, and I think that my blog will definitely reflect that (if I can ever get back to posting regularly).

Stay tuned!!

Move in date was moved up!

2011-09-26T19:41:00.000-07:00

Things have been VERY crazy around here. The kids have responded so well to us that CW has moved up the move in date. TO THIS THURSDAY!!

I am so very excited, and glad to not have to deal with FosterMom anymore, since she is making a lot of things difficult. But at the same time, it's so very surreal. Tonight I have been cleaning since everyone is coming here tomorrow to meet with the kids. We are telling them that we want to adopt them and that they will be moving in on Thursday. And I am on autopilot. I have a list of things to accomplish, and I'm mostly done with those. But the rest of the time I just feel numb to it all.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO THRILLED that the kids are moving in, and I can't wait- but I feel like it's not real. My every thought revolves around these kids, but they aren't here. So I'm a mom in that sense, but I still have all this free time! I'm trying to take advantage of it- I promise. But it feels like this isn't really happening. I'm sure once Thursday rolls around I will be FREAKING OUT!!

We will be telling the kids in about 12 hours and I can't wait for that. I am constantly wondering how they will react to that. I think Lil Man will be excited about it. But Lil G is rather attached to FM, and I'm worried that she will be upset at first. Either way, I know this is the best move for them- I just want it to be easy for them- which isn't really possible I suppose.

Lil G broke my heart a lot today. She asked for FM several times, which isn't like her. I think she knows what's going on and she's a little angry with me for not keeping her after this weekend. We had them overnight on Friday and then took them back on Saturday, and when we took them back she didn't want to go. It broke my heart to convince her to go back there.

I'm so ready for these kiddos to be with us. FM is making things difficult and constantly undermining me, so I'm just avoiding anything with her for the next 3 days. She is a control freak and is exerting her control. And that's fine. Because of the way she has acted in all of this she will not be seeing the kids again. Therapist thinks it's a bad idea and so do I. It makes me sad because this transition could have gone SO much better, but she wasn't willing to work on it.

I need to go to bed now since I have to be up at 5:30- but I hope things will go well tomorrow and telling the kids is a hit!

Sometimes being so much like my mom is a bad thing...

2011-09-19T19:15:00.000-07:00

And some days, like today- it is a blessing.

I have been very frustrated with Foster Mom for the last few days. She has completely cut herself off from me, which isn't that big of a deal except that CW is completely uninvolved and FM and I absolutely HAVE to communicate at least 3 times a week, and not just in passing. There are a lot of logistics to work out in the next couple weeks.

DH and I have discussed a lot of things at length, but I've also ranted to my mom a lot. And every time I do, she offers me advice. But I get irritated, because I've already *done* that. And then my mom just irritates me because I feel like she isn't hearing me. But she is. She is only hearing what I tell her, and I don't have time to tell her everything.

So today it occurred to me. My mom is telling me that I have to give FM some slack, because she loves these kids a LOT. And I realized- I HAVE been giving her a lot of slack. I have been as sensitive, and as kind and as accommodating as I possibly can be. I KNOW this is hard on her. I have only known the kids for a little over a week and I love them more than life itself. To have had them in her home for 4 months at this point? I can only imagine.

So every time I ask to see the kids, or ask for anything- it is *always* accompanied by "if that works for you. If not, it's no big deal". I am not exaggerating. I don't want to step on toes.

So as I'm talking to my mom, I figured it out. That is exactly why I am so frustrated. I am bending over backwards to help her get through this, and she is avoiding me, and when she *does* talk to me, she is questioning everything I do (at least it feels that way) and refusing to talk to me about the logistics. It feels like she is spitting in my face.

I can't actually do anything about this- but somehow just understanding my own feelings makes me able to get over it. I want to keep the kids overnight on Friday (for the first time) since it is Lil G's bday on Saturday. The kids would be back on Saturday early afternoon due to a previous engagement. I told FM this on Friday, and told her if it wasn't possible that was OK, we would celebrate on Friday with them when we have them for the day. But now she isn't wanting to talk about it. I'm not letting her just avoid me. If she doesn't want to- that's ok. But she is going to have to suck it up and tell me that- not just hope I forget and won't ask about it.

So I am over ranting about FM. She clearly doesn't want my help, so I will continue to be slightly accommodating, but I'm not bending over backwards. And I only have 2 more weeks to make this work.

Had a visit with the kids today

2011-09-16T19:23:00.000-07:00

and I'm a little overwhelmed at all I have to buy.

They have basically NO clothes that fit/ are right for the season. FosterMom hasn't gotten her clothing allowance yet (supposed to be in her next check which is delayed) and it just got colder (literally two days ago) so they just have summer stuff.

So I have to buy all new stuff for this season. I am REALLY hoping she either gives me the clothing allowance or actually uses it on clothes- but she was totally freaking out about money all evening. I know that kids are expensive, and that the state is always late on payments, but it was almost as if she expected the payments from the state to cover everything.... Maybe I'm the only one who got the memo that it REALLY doesn't cover everything.

If she doesn't, I will still be fine because I have a boatload of clothes coming from family and friends, and I'm heading to the consignment shops this week, but it was just a weird convo.

And on top of the clothes, I have all the other stuff, which I'm actually super excited about- it's just a LONG list.

We had a great visit, and Lil Man and I went to the park just the two of us (the first time we've been away from foster mom BTW) and it was so fun. He has the most infectious laugh :D

We came back and played a bit in their room and I hung out while the kids ate dinner. I finally left right before bedtime, but not before setting up a next visit. Looks like I'm going to be having them MWF while Fmom works. So I pick them up around 9am and then take them home sometime in the afternoon. DH is going to LOVE THIS. He was so upset that he didn't get to see them yesterday and we couldn't go this morning. He is so cute :D

I have tried to talk to Fmom about the move in date for two days and she won't return my calls, so I sort of told her about it during the kids dinner, but we couldn't talk much (vague comments about "The date" etc) because the kids don't know the whole story yet. We will probably tell them next week. Or when they ask, whichever comes first.

I also wanted to talk to her about a ton of stuff that I talked with the therapist about, but I couldn't with the kids there, and again- she won't return my calls. So I'm done trying. I told her while I was there to call me because I wanted to talk to her, but she basically ignored me. I know she is busy, and I know she has the kids around her nearly 24/7, but she almost seemed to not want to hear what I said. She told me she wanted to set the move in date for the 10th instead of the 6th, and when I said it was already set, she said she thought I should fight to have it on the 10th. No thanks, maybe if you had called THAT DAY when I said I needed to talk to you ASAP, we could have discussed it. You have ignored your way out of having a choice.

I brushed it off by saying that everything hinges on how the kids are transitioning. If they aren't ready, then they won't move then. I just left it at that.

All in all, a good visit, but I'm excited to start having the kids without Fmom so I can get a better idea of what's going on. I really hope that the move will be seamless and the kids will be glad to move in here, rather than doing it because everyone is telling them to.

Only time will tell!!!

MOVE IN IS SET!!!

2011-09-14T11:46:00.000-07:00

Lil Man and Lil G are set to move in on October 6th. We are planning to tell them about the plan in a couple weeks, unless they ask before then.

I am on cloud 9000009. I don't think anything could bring me down today. We get to see the kids again tomorrow, and I just can't wait. I've been on the phone for over an hour or so talking to the CW and the therapist about various things. It's important to keep them in school (headstart in our area), so I'm working on getting them enrolled now so they can start school immediately after they move in.

And I also have a list of things to buy and do before they move in. It's a whirlwind from here on out! These might be the longest and yet shortest 3 weeks of my life!!!!

Update on us

2011-09-13T20:29:00.000-07:00

*WARNING* This is extremely long. I think it might reach the length of a small novel ;)

We are licensed, as I posted a few weeks ago. What I haven't posted is that following Monday, our licensing worker called to tell us that we were licensed (which I knew) and also to tell us about an adoptive placement. We spent the next week learning all we could about Lil Man (4) and Lil G (will be 3 in a couple weeks). We met them for the first time on Friday, and have had two visits since then. The CW and the kids therapist agree that we are moving forward with an adoptive match.

The plan is to continue with as many visits as we can fit into a week. Starting next week we will be moving the visits to our home and starting with visits without FosterMom (who has been amazing throughout this, despite her internal struggles with letting them go). We have a tentative move in timeline for the beginning of October, and the parental rights will be terminated (assuming all goes well at court) on Sept 29th.

I am a bundle of emotions. Until today, I haven't let myself believe that this is actually happening, thus the lack of blogging about it.

But I am madly in love with these children. Lil man loves cars, is incredibly smart and has the most amazing laugh. Lil G is a girly girl at heart and yet still loves to get dirty and still manages to be a tomboy. They are not without their faults, and are in therapy for separate issues, but in a very short few days I've grown to love them more than I would imagine possible. I can't believe I have to wait until Thursday to see them again, and then I probably won't see them again until the following Tuesday.

Amidst all of this joy, is a teeny bit of absolute terror. In a matter of a few short weeks, I will instantly morph into a MOM! A mom to two energetic preschoolers!! I have a million things to do and a thousand more things to worry about. I worry about attachment disorders on a constant basis. I worry that the transition won't go smoothly and we cause further issues. I worry that termination won't happen and suddenly these beautiful children will be taken from me. I worry that they will be hurt somehow through this. I worry that they won't see how much we love them already, and that they might resent us. I worry that someone from DHS will suddenly look at me and say "Wait, you can't be a mom- what were we thinking?" Ok I admit, that last one is completely beyond irrational- but sometimes I do feel that way. Sometimes the child in me gets overwhelmed and says "Who said I get to be an adult? Who said this was a good idea? I'm not old enough for this!!!!"

And then that nurturing side in me longs for them to be home. My house is so quiet. We got home from visiting them this evening and the silence was deafening. I wanted so badly to hear Lil G's stutter, and hear Lil Man ask me a thousand questions about one small thing. I want right now for them to be upstairs in the bedrooms I'm trying to get ready for them. I want to know what they were thinking before they went to sleep. I want to be the one to see them first thing in the morning.

I know that this transition is the best thing for all of us, and I enjoy every second I get with them- but that little selfish part of me wants them to be mine, forever- right now. I suppose I've waited this long, I can wait a few weeks more.

And in all of this I praise God for his infinite wisdom. While I was begging him to be pregnant throughout these years, he was watching over these two. He knows all, and he knows better than I could ever imagine. He knows the needs that these children have, and he knew how to time things perfectly. How we would be licensed at the exact right moment to meet them, and he placed them with a foster family who could surround them with more love than they have ever known. He could place them with a foster mom who could manage to see right into my heart and know what my true motives and desires are. He knows all and he always has. I knew this somewhere but somehow, today- I know it so much more. I know that even if my fears come true, and the worst happens- that we were meant to love these kids. That we were meant to go down this path, and that no matter what happens, he will carry us through, and we will be victorious. We are meant to love children, I have always known this. And today, I am starting to get a glimpse of his master plan. Only a small glimpse, because I don't believe I could handle it all at once. But it's a wonderfully crafted, and beautiful plan.

If you managed to get to the end of this, I apologize for the ranting, but it's been pent up and I needed to get all of that out. I am so blessed today.

WE ARE LICENSED!!!

2011-08-27T14:35:00.000-07:00

Finally after 8 months, and quite a few struggles with our Licensing worker, we are finally licensed. Our homestudy wasn't finished until about two weeks ago. That was an issue for me, but it was resolved once I emailed our LW's supervisor. And now we are done!

So now we wait- which should seem like second nature to me, but instead feels like torture.

My cousin is pregnant again. This is the cousin who has three children already. She doesn't want this pregnancy and is actually struggling right now to find a place to live. I have been handling it VERY well IMO- but I would really be happy for anything to take my mind off of the fact that once again, she has what I have tried SO HARD to have.

I am looking forward to having this house full- and I hope the call comes soon! God has a plan and we have finished our part for now- so we just wait on him.

I think I will try to find some money for DH and I to go out to eat tonight. We need to celebrate, and we may not have many child free nights left!! :D

Final Homestudy Meeting

2011-06-30T19:01:00.000-07:00

We had our final homestudy meeting yesterday. It went very well and I'm so glad this is over.

I was very tired since I had stayed in the hospital the night before with my Grandma. She was admitted into the hospital on Sunday, and ended up with a similar problem as she did last year (spent a month in the hospital, several infections and a couple surgeries) but on a much smaller scale. I am actually in the hospital right now with her, and she is sleeping. She looks much better and will hopefully be able to go home shortly.
Thankfully Chris understood that I was very tired, and I'm hoping she didn't hold my fatigue against me. I can't even remember half of the answers I gave LOL!

Chris asked all the same questions of me that she asked of Paul, but my family section went a little quicker ;). She then went on to ask us about our relationship, how we resolve conflicts, how we handle stressful situations etc. She also asked us to name something difficult that we have come through together. We had a few, but our struggles with trying to get pregnant was the first that came to mind.

She asked about our discipline thoughts, and asked about how we were disciplined as kids, and what we would do the same and different as our parents.
Finally she asked us what our preferences were for placements. We said up to 4 kids at a time, ages 0-5 with no racial or gender specifications. We also said that we didn't want any severe physical or mental needs. This is very different from what we had originally said, but she told us that we can always say no. And we can always change that later on too.

I just know that if we were presented with a sibling placement like what she mentioned before (5, 3, 1.5 and 2mo) and there weren't any severe needs- I wouldn't be able to say no- despite the fact that we originally said nothing over 3.
I think God definitely knows what we can handle and we will hopefully be able to discern whether or not each placement is right for us.

I am really excited for this process. I asked Chris how long it would take for us to be officially licensed, and she gave me the following timeline. She will finish the report and likely send it out to her supervisor next week. It will take her supervisor approximately 1 week to review it and approve it. Then it gets sent to Lansing where it will be reviewed by someone in their department. According to Chris, that could take up to 2 months, but she added that the person who has been approving them lately is much quicker than others before her.

So I'm expecting about 2 months total.

HOWEVER- I have been told (by some awesome Foster mom friends of mine) that once the Homestudy is completed (I'm assuming that means her supervisor has approved it) we can be presented with placements provisionally- and this can happen when they are especially desperate. So although I'm expecting and planning for about 2 months, I'm also prepared for something a little more immediate.

Either way, we know that God has a plan and we are just along for the ride! And what an interesting ride it has been so far!

Homestudy!

2011-06-24T15:26:00.000-07:00

Today was the first visit of the Homestudy. It was quite invasive, but in a good way.

Chris (our licensing worker) came at 9am and after a little bit of paperwork- she started asking us questions. She began with taking a brief description of the layout of the house, and then we took her on a tour. She measured each of the bedrooms, and tested the temperature of the water. She loved the nursery, and commented on how cute it is :)

After the tour of the house, she started on the personal questions. She decided to start with Paul since his work schedule is more demanding and she wanted to make sure she had all of his answers. She asked some basic things like his work history, but she also needed a VERY detailed description of his family. This included parents and siblings. She even needed to know marital status and how many children each sibling had, as well as the relationship he has with each. For Paul this took a LONG time LOL. She also wanted to know what his childhood was like, where he grew up- what schools he went to and asked about some other family history. I think most of the time was spent on just that!

She finished with all the personal questions for Paul, but she still has to ask me the same questions, and then she has a section to ask us about the both of us and our relationship.

She said at least twice that she is expecting to fill this house quickly, and even mentioned a specific set of siblings that were brought in last week that had to be separated. Prior to this meeting I was still expecting to not be licensed or have a placement until at least the end of the summer! Well maybe that won't be the case, but I'm still not planning on it, just trying to be prepared if it does happen :D

All in all, it went well and we have another meeting on Wednesday at 9. That should be the last meeting, unless we can't get everything accomplished. But since my family is about 1/3rd the size of Paul's- I think it will go faster LOL
If it doesn't, we can always have a third meeting, but that would go very quickly. :)

Anger....

2011-05-06T17:50:00.000-07:00

Well I come back from SC to find out that we WON'T be getting our home study any time soon. And I'm angry. I'm angry because this is taking so long (yes, I have read my last blog post LOL) but most of all I'm just angry because it seems like I can't catch a break.

And after I find this out, Lisa posts on FB about being home with her two beautiful girls and I just lose it all over again. I'm so glad I was there for her having the baby (who is beautiful btw) and I love Chelsea, but right now, she has exactly what I want SO BADLY while I sit here unable to do anything and wait on people who don't have time for me.

I'm trying to remember how I felt when I wrote that blog, but I'm not really doing well with it right now.

I think part of this anger is me dealing with my emotions from this weekend. But even so-I need prayers today.

Lord, Please help me to put my faith in you always. Help me to remember that you WILL fulfill your promises. And that I need to sit back and wait, and listen to you. Help me to get through this pain by leaning on you and not expecting me to carry it all on my own. I was not created to carry the burden of life. You created me to draw my strength from your holy spirit. Help me to remember that.

Very emotional couple of days- VERY VERY LONG

2011-05-01T18:31:00.000-07:00

I am in SC visiting with my cousin/BFF Lisa. She and I are as close as sisters, and when she had her first daughter, I was over the moon so excited. I call her daughter my niece, although biologically she isn't.

Well she is PG. I posted about it when I found out- but didn't really blog about the affect it had on me. I was devastated. She DID NOT want another baby right now, possibly ever. In fact- HOURS before she POAS- she told me very emphatically how she couldn't handle it right now. And to top it all off- she was staying with me for several months while here husband was here in SC. She saw him for ONE WEEK out of 3 months- and she got knocked up. Needless to say- I wasn't happy. At all.

Over the last 9 months I've sadly distanced myself a bit. She is amazing, and she hasn't pushed me at all. She has been completely understanding- and I really think this has actually brought us closer. She has said that she would MUCH rather me be pregnant. But we both agree that obviously God has a plan.

FF to this week. She is due today actually (getting induced tomorrow) and I flew in on Friday. I really debated whether or not I could handle coming down here this week. Do I REALLY want to watch my Little Sister (as I often refer to her) have exactly what I want? Do I want to hold back her hair and help her push and comfort her when all I want to do is scream because I can't have what she has?

The answer isn't really yes- but I wouldn't miss this for the world. She and I are SO close, and to miss this (intentionally) would kill us both. So I prayed, and prayed and prayed some more. I begged God for guidance. And finally settled on the decision that if I couldn't handle watching this and being here- God would arrange the timing for the baby to come before I got here. Well she didn't. Lisa is still pregnant- and going in for induction at 6:30 am. I'm not leaving until Tuesday afternoon- so I will be here for it all. And I know God will give me the strength.

Last night we were sitting in the guest room (we=Lisa, her husband, myself and Lisa's friend Debbie who I know very well) They were discussing pregnancy and how most women- although the labor is hard and there are lots of downsides- would never trade the ability to carry a child. Lisa was talking about the bad thigns about pregnancy, but then why the good things very much outweighed the bad. This went on for some time. Needless to say- I was VERY quiet- and simply tried to keep my composure (as I had been trying to do for a couple days) and then Lisa saw my face and realized what effect this was having on me- and she immediately said my name and apologized. And that's all it took. I lost it. I had promised myself that I wouldn't break down in front of her and burden her with my emotions in this time. This was supposed to be about her and Chealsea (the new baby girl). And I couldn't handle it. I excused myself and went downstairs to compose myself. And it was very difficult. As you can imagine, my emotions are on high and I am crying so easy right now. Repressing my emotions tends to do that lol. Later that night I talked to her and she apologized and thanked me for being here- even though she knows it's hard.

So Lisa took me to her church this morning. I have been thrilled that she found a church that she loves so much- and was glad to attend. The worship was amazing, and ended with a song about waiting on the Lord. Of course- this spoke to me in a very real way- and so I was crying.

And then the Pastor started speaking- I was intending to go into more detail about his sermon- but this blog post is long enough- so I won't. But the title of the sermon was "Waiting on the Promise". It was about waiting on promises that God gives us. He started out saying "God ALWAYS fulfills his promises" His entire sermon was about how when God promises us something (for me, a promise that I will be pregnant and give birth at some point in my life) he ALWAYS delivers- but we don't always get the *when*. He talked about how the waiting often molds us into the people we need to be to receive the promise. He also said a lot of other things that I can't remember- but I walked away with an entirely different view of my struggles.

First of all- I need to remember that my focus shouldn't be this life. This life will end. And it will not matter. But I am hoping to get to HEAVEN!! And that is going to completely outshine anything I think I want or need in this life. So the next time I think about how my life will be better, or how much I want kids- I need to remember that I should want Heaven MORE than I want a family.

And amidst all of this I finally came to the place where if I NEVER have children. I can accept that. God is enough for me. I have faith that he can make my life better than anything I can if I just put my faith in him. This was a place that was very hard for me to get to. I still believe that God made me with the purpose of being a Mom. But if that never happens- I have faith that I will live a very fulfilling life and I will make a difference in someones life. Maybe many someones.

At the end of his sermon- he made me officially lose it. I bawled my eyes out. I laid my head on Lisa's shoulder and sobbed. I had been trying not to cry (again) and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. The pastor asked those who were waiting on a promise from God to come to the front and allow the leaders of the church to pray. Lisa walked with me up there and I just felt at peace. I still cried- because although the waiting is necessary- I know that it doesn't take the hurt away- and that's the point. But the crying that I did was a cleansing cry. It was exactly what I needed and I think it really helped me. I'm still very emotional- and I've cried several times writing this blog- but I think I know why I NEEDED to be here. As much as I usually love my church- I'm not being fed at all right now and it's one of the reasons we are considering changing churches. But that is a post for another day. I needed that message, and it was delivered at exactly the right time.

Oddly enough- the church down the road from Lisa's house (20 min from her church) had a message on their sign on Friday. "God ALWAYS fulfills his promises". It made me cry as well. It seems to be the theme of this trip!

Updates on H- and us too

2011-04-14T06:36:00.001-07:00

She went home with her dad on Tuesday. CPS told us it was OK and DH is really not ok with it. He found out a lot of information about H's dad, and he doesn't feel CPS is doing their job. I'm not upset with CPS, but if what DH found out is true, then I'm very sad for H.

I have been trying to find the right person to speak with at CPS for us to talk to, and I've been given the runaround- but I have one more person to talk to this afternoon. DH and I have heard a lot of things, and although it is heresay, we are going to include it in the other things we know of.

I called her yesterday to see if she was coming over (we have the teens over every Wednesday for bible study/fellowship). She didn't come sadly, and we still have some of her things. I'm hoping I can continue a relationship with her.

And I talked with our licensing worker this morning. I've been in touch with her during this process, and she was following up with me. While I had her on the phone- I asked her about our homestudy and she said that she is so busy with other things. She asked if I would be ok with an intern doing our homestudy. I'm definitely fine with that, and she said she can always call me if she has additional questions.

So the homestudy will most likely be the beginning of May!!
I'm glad to finally have a timeline- you know how much I like control and plans LOL

Prayers appreciated

2011-04-11T14:10:00.000-07:00

There is a very strange situation I'm involved in, which might push our license through very quickly, but also might put us in a situation to foster a 14 year old girl.

We know a family at church, and without revealing too many details, I will say that H (the girl) and I have gotten very close. She is in my youth group, and she has stayed here a couple times. Her dad was arrested yesterday and she can't go back to the home at this time. She is staying with us tonight for sure, and depending on the status of her father she may be staying her for an extended period of time.

We don't know what's happening, and are walking blindly and as always- trying to trust in God's plan. I will be updating!

_____________________________________________________________
UPDATE-

We found out that H's dad is getting out of jail today. She is still probably staying with us tonight, and we aren't sure past that. He wasn't arrested because of anything having to do with her, and his parental rights are not in question. She will probably go home tomorrow. The problem lies with her stepmother, and although it seems the couple are separating for now, I don't think it will last and H will be back in a toxic situation. I am already planning to talk to CPS about a few issues I've observed in the home, but what I do know isn't enough to remove H and her brothers (2 and 6 mo) from the home. So odds are it will just be logged.

Update 2
CPS called us to ask if she was with us, as opposed to another place that had been reccomended. They want her to stay here tonight, but her dad isn't happy about that- and she doesn't want to be here either. I am having to move from the "friend" who is trying make her do her homework and make her laugh to the enforcer who is saying she has to do what CPS says. And if her dad doesn't agree with CPS then they are going to try and place her in respite care tonight. So either way she isn't going with her dad, but she doesn't see that. She really doesn't want to hear that she doesn't have certain options. That seems like such an obvious statement, but it didn't really occur to me that it would be a problem like this.

This is good training I think LOL

Update on me and Foster stuff

2011-04-08T14:49:00.000-07:00

We've gotten a lot accomplished, and the nursery is just about done. I still want a glider/ottoman, but I am waiting for the funds to buy the one I want LOL.

We are waiting for our Licensing Agent to finish her other Homestudies before we can have ours done. She said we are next on the list. She did email me last week asking about our age limit because we had originally put 0-1. Well now we are going for 0-2 and instead of just one child, we are open to up to 4 and definitely sibling groups. I would even go up to 4 yrs if the child was a part of a sibling group. Somehow that seems wrong to say though, I'm not sure why.

We had also originally said we only wanted children who were TPRed (termination of parental rights) or were low risk for RU (reunification). And now we have completely changed that. At this point I just want and need kids in the house. So we are definitely open to Respite care, which I would LOVE, and we are taking just about any situation. We are even open to some moderate special needs. All in all, I think we've come to a good decision about what we can handle for now, but now we just wait for DHS-something I'm sure I will be doing a LOT of in my future.

But I have been struggling in the last few days with mourning what I am NOT going to have. I don't get to have a baby shower, tour a hospital, decide on the "coming home" outfit. I don't get to decide whether or not to have a photographer do newborn pictures in the hospital. I don't get to experience pregnancy, I don't get to even TRY to breastfeed, and I most likely won't be able to experience the first days, months or even years of my childs life.

I do believe that I will get PG and give birth someday, but I can't focus on that- and amidst my excitement of finally being a Mom (albeit a temporary one sometimes) I am smacked in the face with the reality that I am NOT the same as my mom friends. I feel like I'm emotionally pregnant. I remember reading that phrase on some adoption forums recently. But I am! I'm emotionally pregnant. But it's like I'm pregnant with no due date, and with no warning of what my due date will be. I know I will have children, and it will mostly be through adoption through foster care. But who knows how long the licensing process will continue to take, and then once we are licensed- it could be minutes or months or more before we have a placement.

I'm so excited for what is to come, but now I just get to sit and wait. And it sucks. I suppose God is preparing me for the wait that will inevitably come once we are licensed and even during an adoption process.

Fingerprinting and Nursery pics

2011-03-05T20:54:00.000-08:00

We got our background release forms today, and we need to go get fingerprinted this week. I believe once we get that done- we will be scheduling the homestudy!

I am so ridiculously excited about this. I feel like we are finally getting somewhere. We seem to be moving along so quickly in the process, but I feel like it's taking FOREVER!! I just want a placement, whether it's permanent or temporary. I can finally say this out loud to myself and not feel bad- I am a mom at heart. I am a nurturer and I love taking care of children. I have found some satisfaction in this by being a Nanny- but it's not the same.

A few weeks ago, we had a "test run" of sorts. We ended up housing a 15 year old, a 2 year old and a 5 month old. Their mother was in the hospital, and the 15 year old wasn't trusted to take care of her two younger brothers.We know the family from church, and the 15 year old and I are rather close. She is one of the teens in my youth group. I enjoyed having them here SO MUCH, and I realized once again how much I love having little ones in the house. It just reinforced for me that we are making the right decision.

Since then, I've moved full force into finishing our nursery. Here are a few pictures! All I have are crappy cell phone pics- since my camera isn't working at the moment. I will work on getting better ones later!

The bedding I found on ebay- I love it! I love the matching wall hangings too!

The changing table I found at a consignment shop for $30! I was SO excited when I found it!

The crib with bedding and the messy toy corner.

Growth chart. It matches the bedding and I love it!

Overall room look. I am standing in the doorway to the hallway, and to the left of the window shown is the walkin closet with the dresser. That's not nearly as organized so I need to finish that before I take a picture ;-)

We are planning to put a glider/rocker/recliner where the black chair is- but I haven't found one that I love.

Bonus picture of the awesome diaper bag I bought for myself. I'm so excited I bought it instead of other ones that I didn't love as much. It's perfect for me :D

Also- I have a border that I purchased to match the bedding- but since we have decided that we aren't staying in this house for more than a year (we rent right now) I am saving it for when we buy a house that we plan to stay in for much longer. So I am leaving the Dinosaur border up. Our landlords painted and decorated the nursery for their son when they lived here- and I loved it so much and didn't want to change it!

Things are crazy around here

2011-03-02T05:53:00.001-08:00

We are doing great on the foster care process and are almost ready for the home inspection. I'm extremely excited because I have the nursery almost ready. I will have to post before and after pictures soon.

I am going to be starting a new blog completely separate from this one, specifically for our family. I will still need this blog to let out my feelings, and this blog will remain fairly anonymous. But I want to be able to update our friends and family a little easier. I will probably have a lot of double posts.

I know I have been MIA lately, and I'm working on getting back to blogging :-)

Lots of random thoughts today....

2011-01-24T14:14:00.000-08:00

I've been on a planning frenzy for days now. I started looking into Mom 2 Mom sales in my area because there are quite a few things that I need (or rather, strongly want) before we have a placement. I would rather be prepared and get great deals on the items, than have to spend a bunch of money once we get a placement. I'm a bit of a tightwad, so the idea of paying full price is horrible!! LOL.

I went to SC for the weekend, and it was a last minute trip. I went to visit my cousin Lisa, and I had a great time- despite the fact that I lost my Drivers License and was worried about how TSA would let me on the plane. :)

My Foster Classes have been going VERY well. I think we are moving at a good speed for licensing. DH thinks we may be licensed and have a placement as early as March 2nd. I think he is delusional, but I'm working to prepare for that. Although my biggest M2M sale is March 26th, and I'm planning to get my bigger items there (we need a Pack n Play, a changing table, a high chair and a toybox).

My mom has been so cute about this whole process. I definitely got my bargain shopping from her and my grandma and aunts. She along with my grandmother and great Aunt (all who live in FL) have begun the search for baby clothes. Since we have no idea about the placements we will have, or what size clothes we may need- she has decided that she will get two outfits of each gender for each age up to 1yr. She is also looking for several onsies and layettes etc. She wants us to have a few outfits for any child that is placed with us to get us through the first day or so.

Can you tell where I get my obsessive planning from? LOL.

Sometimes I feel silly for doing all this, but I'm so torn.

Today we got our physical forms in the mail. I am going to the Dr tomorrow, so I asked our licensing agent to send them to me, but I was expecting them to come via email for some reason. Before I opened the envelope I had the crazy notion that I was about to be informed that we were already denied for some crazy random reason. It's silly- but I started to think that maybe I should wait to buy these things until we are officially licensed- but that just wouldn't work for me.

I know that I need to have something to focus on, and this has helped- but I am starting to feel like I am going overboard. But am I really? We are preparing for a child to be in this home. These are all things that a pregnant woman would do- and she has a set time limit (usually) as to when her child will arrive. I do not. I have no idea if it will be in 2 months, or 4 or 12! So I suppose this is all valid.

In all honesty- if we were to get a placement tomorrow- we would be fine. We have a crib, several blankets, a stroller and a bouncy seat. The rest is more for convenience.

I am getting strange looks from various family members about this, I suppose maybe they are worried about attachment?

I think that if we were to get a placement as soon as March 2nd- I would be floored, but thrilled. I do not think it will be that soon, especially since we have a limited age range.

I warned you that this was a random thought post, can you imagine being in my mind 24/7?

First Foster Care class this evening

2011-01-13T19:31:00.000-08:00

In Michigan- the classes are called PRIDE- Parental Resource for Information, Development and Education

My first session was supposed to be on Tues- but it was canceled due to the weather, so we will have an additional class next Tuesday.

It was very informational, and intimidating at times. But also comforting.

I was overwhelmed with the amount of information, but all of it is covered in the MASSIVE binder of paperwork we were given. Seriously, a 2" binder PACKED with session info and even a section called "Promoting Safety, Permanence and Well Being"

The good things I learned, that helped to put my mind at ease-
In Michigan- when a child is placed with a foster family- there are TWO plans. One for reunification, and one for termination of parental rights. Both are being worked on at the same time.
The birth parents are given approximately one year to complete the requirements, or show great improvement. If after a year- nothing has changed- DHS will petition the court to terminate parental rights.

I had read some horror stories (admittedly not in my state) of children placed in a home for several years only to be reunited with the birth family in the end. While I fully agree that reunification is the BEST option if possible, I can't imagine that kind of time frame being productive.

DHS of Michigan puts an emphasis on Permanency- rather than Reunification. Reunification is the preferable option, but if that doesn't promote permanency- than they choose another route.

We talked a lot about the fact that children in foster care need more love and time than many kids- and what that commitment is. I had a hard time with one of the videos because they showed images of a young boy with HORRIBLE bruises. And of course, internally I was asking God-once again- "WHY?" Why can they have children and abuse them in this way? Why can't I have a child? I don't think this line of thinking will ever go away.

I have already realized that I am going to need to work on not judging the birth parents. I want to say that I will always remember not to judge someone else, but I can't promise that. Thankfully my husband is usually better at that than me. I am compassionate, but I have a hard time being compassionate to someone who has made mistakes that hurt someone that I care about. Whereas my husband is a great listener who tends to just accept people as they are.

A lot of things we talked about were more geared for older children, and I wanted to write those things off mentally, but I don't know what lies ahead for us. While we may only be considering babies at this time- we may be in a place down the line to take in older children, and I still need to be prepared and know how to deal with the issues that may arise.

This session definitely didn't turn me off of foster parenting, but I realized that I need to learn some things about myself and work on them to make sure I can give any foster child the best possible home.

Rambling feelings post

2011-01-13T06:20:00.001-08:00

In an attempt to actually deal with my feelings instead of repress them- I will process them by blogging.

I am really down this morning. I think it stemmed from seeing the Maternity clothes in the back of my closet. Two years ago, they were given to me by various friends. I thought I would be wearing them by now. But I am not, and I don't know if I will!

Do I give them away? That would seem like I really am giving up.

I am glad my foster class is tonight (my first one was canceled on Tues because of the snow). I really think that will help this mood. I know that we are getting closer to becoming a family, and even though I am still dealing with my feelings about not TTC. I'm sure this isn't a short process, and even once we have a child, I will still mourn the pregnancy process.

That is something DH doesn't understand. He is a fixer, as most men are. He sees the solution to the problem (adoption/fostercare) and forgets about the reason we made that decision. He wants me to be "better" and while I have come a long way, I still struggle every day to be productive instead of crawling into bed and staying there.

And as usual, I hate limbo. Although we are on the path to FC, we are in limbo again. We also just found out about a position opening within DHs company. He REALLY wants this job and I really want this for him, and us too. It would mean a lot of good changes, including schedule. As much as I am excited about this opportunity, I feel like it puts us in more limbo.

I am also starting to feel left out with certain friends of mine. When a discussion comes up about certain kid things, I cannot contribute. Either it is something I haven't experienced yet, or my opinion is discounted because I am not a mom yet. I know this will change soon, and I look forward to that- but it is still hard.

I have to remember to blog on days that i feel like this. I tend to think that because I'm doing better, I don't need to process these emotions. But if anything, I need to more so that I don't wind up back at square one.

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Foster Care FAST TRACK!!!

2011-01-10T11:34:00.000-08:00

So I dropped off the application on Thursday- and Friday at 12:30 I had an email from the Licensing agent. The PRIDE classes (Parent's Resource for Information, Development and Education) start TUES!!!

At first I didn't think we would be attending those- since DH works afternoons, and the classes are from 6-9 on Tues and Thurs. I asked about Saturday classes, and the next classes are on days that DH can make it- but I can't. So we are taking the classes separately rather than wait until March to take them. By the end of the month we will be finished with the first requirement!!

I'm not sure where we go from there- but I'm assuming we begin the VERY long process of the background checks and home assessment. I'm already making lists of stuff I want to buy and have on hand, and what needs to be better organized/child proofed.

I am desperately seeking information on what to expect from the Home Study- so any input from Foster parents would be great, especially those in Michigan.

This has amazingly helped my attitude. We might have a child in the house by Mothers day! I'm not expecting everything to go perfectly- so I would like to be licensed by then.

Today I get to have two cuties in the house with me. My nephew William (3) had to have his tonsils and adenoids taken out this morning :( I have Joshua and Elizabeth, his younger siblings- so he can rest without his little brother trying to play and his little sister taking up mommy's attention.

I love having them in the house- and Elizabeth is at such a fun age. She is 6 months and such a happy baby. Her little giggle makes my heart melt. They are both sleeping right now- which seems like a miracle LOL!!

Updates and an Amazing Step

2011-01-06T20:37:00.000-08:00

It's been almost a month since I posted last, and I've not been doing well, until this week. And I wouldn't really say I'm doing "well" per-say, just better than the last 4 weeks.

You see- in all the insanity of Christmas and life- I was denying the fact that I was upset about suspending fertility treatments. I do still believe it was the best decision for me. We were really only once cycle away from injects, and we've decided we can't afford those right now anyway, so putting my body through another round of Clo.mid was not smart.

But the dreams and hopes I had for the next year or so of my life- being pregnant, having a baby shower- seeing the ultrasound, and ALL the things that come with a pregnancy- are gone. Yes, I know there is that chance of a "surprise" BFP- but I can't focus on that. So I need to accept these things and "mourn" them so I can move on. This has all occurred to me in the last few days. I wasn't blogging because blogging would require thinking about things- and that was too much for me I think. I didn't even realize what I was doing- but looking back (as usual) I can see my behavior clearly.

So after a real dip into my "hole" of depression and making DH angry because of my inability to function (and in this case, not doing several things that I promised him I would do- therefore putting us behind in leaving to visit his mom for the weekend) I realized a lot of things. DH and I had a 3 hour drive to talk, and in my case- cry. I realized that I was suppressing a lot of emotions because I didn't want to feel them, or I didn't think I should feel them. So armed with that knowledge about myself- I tried to deal with these emotions. I told DH that I needed to process these emotions, and that crying and dealing with them isn't a bad thing. I had 3 pregnancy announcements in ONE DAY (SERIOUSLY!?) and I had to deal with that.

Since then, I've been crying- a LOT lol. But again- it's been good. We decided that we REALLY needed to move forward with Foster Care. Thank to you to everyone who commented on my last post. It REALLY helped me and made me realize that I can't assume things will go wrong. I need to try and see how things work out. God has a plan- and I know that.

So that's the update part- and then we have today.

I was supposed to go grocery shopping today, and run other errands. Instead, I woke up to a husband who was in severe pain and needed to go to the doctor. I needed to run to the bank near our doctor (20 min away) anyway- so I went with him and then ran to the bank. On my way back, I heard a song that made me cry (at this point- nearly every song can do that lol) and was praying begging God to help me and just asking- for the 2343324th time- WHY? And I had the sudden desire to listen to some Christian music that might be more uplifting. I changed the radio channel- and there was a commercial on for fostercare/adoption. I listened to it- and proceeded to cry even more. I truly felt God speaking to me and reminding me that we had other options. For the first time in months- I can honestly see myself as a foster mom.

Our fostercare application was sitting at home on the desk 99% filled out, and thanks to some accountability from my friend- I ran home to get it on the way home from the doctors office. After we dropped off DHs prescriptions- we sat in the parking lot and filled out the rest of the application. And we went to the office of DHS (Department of Human Services) and.....

WE TURNED IN OUR FOSTERCARE APPLICATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a huge step for me. We've had the application for over 6 months. And for the last month I have been saying that I'm going to turn it in. And of course I didn't LOL

So I think that's the update on me. I'm excited about this next phase. I'm off now to do some obsessive research about foster care in Michigan LOL!! I'm also planning to find more blogs of foster parents. Information overload- here I come!!!

The anger and sadness hasn't really gone away

2010-12-08T19:51:00.000-08:00

I'm tired, and angry and I can feel myself falling deeper into that hole. Every commercial, christmas special and blip about family or pregnancy or ANYTHING related to being a mom in any way- makes me sad/angry/weepy. Pick an emotion, and I feel it.

Wasn't this supposed to make me feel BETTER???!?! And now all I can focus on is the fact that I'm not pregnant, or won't be getting pregnant any time soon.

Why can't I let this go? Why can't I manage to focus on adoption?

Because I don't see fostercare as a viable option for us. I am going through with it and trying to have faith that God will work it out, but we just don't have the ability to be flexible enough to be "good" foster parents. We have to be very specific, and are ultimately looking for adoption. DH is convinced that we will become foster parents, and a beautiful infant will fall in our laps and we will be able to adopt him/her immediately. I am more realistic, and realize that because we are so limited in our age range, we may not even be considered as foster parents.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to be foster parents and be given children, even if for a short time, to care for. I just don't think it will happen for us.

And traditional adoption seems like such a long ways away. The finances, plus the process itself seem to be so lengthy that I can't focus.

Add to this fact that I've had 6 migraines in the last week, and my ability to function is low.

I'm not fighting the depression anymore, I'm just sort of numb again. I need guidance. I need God to help me to move forward. I know I am only managing to get through the day because of the strength he gives me, and I'm not discounting that. But simply breathing and making it to the end of the day isn't enough. I want to be productive again and I want to be the person I know I am, and that I saw for a brief moment this summer.

I also feel like I'm posting the same things over and over again, but hey- it's my blog so who cares. ;)

It always seems that when I THINK I know what I am really feeling

2010-12-02T19:27:00.000-08:00

it changes.

I thought I was OK with stopping fertility treatments, and mostly halting TTC because of my PCOS.

And then this week I'm ANGRY. I've been angry before. I've been angry at myself, I've been angry at my husband. and I've been angry at God (which admittedly was not productive). And now I'm angry at pregnant women. Which sucks because I have a lot of GREAT pregnant women in my life right now. My cousin/BFF who probably knows me better than anyone is PG and it KILLS me some days. I really want to be happy for her, but I'm angry.

A few GOOD friends of DH and I are pregnant and posting ALL over FB. I LOVE these women dearly and they both have had problems conceiving and deserve to be Mothers more than some. But I'm angry at them.

And then that turns to anger at myself. Because they don't deserve my anger! It's not their fault MY body doesn't work and theirs does. But if you follow that logic- NO ONE deserves my anger. And then I'm back to square one.

Please pray for me this week. I know that fertility treatments aren't a good idea for me right now. But that depression that I was trying to avoid seems to be creeping back up to me. I'm trying to make changes (like going back to the gym) and hoping that this isn't because of stopping TTC, it's because of other things.

And really- I feel like I can't win. Keep TTC and run myself into a deep depression. Stop TTC and run myself into a deep depression.

So my only option is stick with my decision and pray for God to help me. Because I need it. I can't do this without him. I'm brokenhearted some days. Christmas commercials are really bad because I have no idea WHEN DH and I will be a family. When he will be a father. When I will be a mother.
Sometimes I just burst into tears because of something related to not having kids yet. Or being scared of what lies ahead.

I need God to give me strength. I would appreciate any prayers you can spare. My emotions are all over the place lately. And physically I'm exhausted as well.

Mom is out of surgery

2010-11-23T08:10:00.000-08:00

She is doing very well. I am in the food court waiting for her to get a room at the moment.

They didn't have to take her ovaries, and the surgery went as well as could be expected. All in all, Good news!!

It's been a long day, and it hasn't even really begun. I'm ready for a nap!!

Crazy week and prayer request

2010-11-22T18:04:00.000-08:00

I am in FL right now, visiting my Mom. Sadly it is not a social visit, or a visit for Thanksgiving, although I will be here through Tday.

My mom had a procedure done a month or so ago to remove some polyps and it was discovered that she has Endometrial Carcenoma, which is a fancy word for a small cancerous spot in her uterus. Because she is already 51, and heading into menopause, they are doing a hysterectomy. The surgery is tomorrow.

Thankfully her prognosis is VERY good and they haven't even categorized the cancer as a stage. There were several "Pre-cancerous" spots and one small cancerous spot. She will probably not have to have chemo or radiation. We will know more about that tomorrow after the surgery.

My mom is handling it very well and is more concerned about her recovery than the surgery itself. She will be out of work for 6 weeks, unable to drive until she can wean herself off of her pain meds, and unable to lift more than 10lbs for several weeks. She will be limited to what she can do and my mother is NOT a person who handles limits very well LOL!

Please pray for her during surgery tomorrow, and pray for her doctors. I have faith that everything will go well in surgery, and she will be fine. I am fairly calm about it. I will feel MUCH better when it is all said and done and all the cancer is gone however.

I will update tomorrow, I'll be at the hospital most of the day. And thankfully they have free wifi!!!

I love it when an old favorite verse brings new meaning.

2010-11-15T20:06:00.000-08:00

Before I go into what I'm talking about- AF arrived this morning. Not pregnant. So full steam ahead on adoption.

I belong to a close knit message board, and each year we do an ornament exchange. I got mine early this year, and it was from a fellow IF friend. She sent me a beautiful ornament of a Hopi fertility deity name Kokopelli. Along with this, she sent me a note with my favorite bible verse written at the bottom. Jeremiah 29:11. I'm sure many of you know this verse. I'm sure some of you- like me- have said it over and over like a mantra, especially during the trying times of IF.

I have loved this verse for many years, and today- I found new meaning.

She had written it in a translation that I hadn't seen it in before. After some googling, I discovered it was English Standard Version. I usually like NKJV or NIV, and the new translations usually lack a certain reverence that I appreciate. But this might just change my mind. Here is the translation.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

A FUTURE AND A HOPE. God WANTS ME to have HOPE! I've been working very hard in the last couple months to not hope. Because hope has gotten me nowhere. But hope is necessary! I have to hope! I have to believe that he WILL bring me a child, because he CAN. Because he is the be all and end all. He is The Christ.

This is huge for me. Especially with AF arriving this morning. I am trying not to hope that I will get pregnant on my own, or hope that we will fly through adoption preceedings. But why not? I can hope! I need to focus my energy on doing everything I can to fulfill God's plan. But hope isn't bad!

If I hadn't hoped as I did last cycle, I wouldn't have been devastated- and I wouldn't have come to the conclusion that we need to stop and pursue adoption. What if there is a child RIGHT NOW who is being born, or about to be born that is waiting for me to love them? Why is it bad to hope?

I know that the hope that I have could disappoint me. But God never will. So if my hope fails me, God will hold me up and give me the strength I need.

God really does provide. I truly needed this tonight. Thank you Lord!!

Relief, and more concerns

2010-11-11T19:41:00.000-08:00

Finally making the decision to stop TTC for now and move to adoption has given me peace like I haven't had in a while.

And then I found google. And then I came up with a bunch of other worries.

What about my depression? I can't imagine that I would automatically be disqualified from adoption because of my depression, and since I've never been a danger to myself or anyone else I am hoping that it won't be a problem at all.

And then there are the logistics of Fostering vs domestic adoption. DH wants to foster, and while I want to as well, I don't think we will be successful with foster care because we are very specific in the age of a child we want to adopt (one infant, under the age of 6 months with no major health problems). So we are going to pursue both at the same time. But what about the financial aspect of this. I realize that I shouldn't have to pay much money up front to any adoption agency, but what if we put a lot of time into an adoption agency, only to have a placement with the foster care program that works perfectly for us? I'm sure God has a perfect plan for us, but it's one more thing to obsess about.

And then there are the finances in general. We have to start thinking about how we are coming up with the money.

And then there is the worry that no one will want to give me their baby. Why would they? Paul and I aren't rich by any means, and while we will provide a child with every need they could ever have, and many wants- we don't know if we will be able to pay for college educations, or weddings, or other things. We will live frugally and make sure our childrens needs are met. This is something that we are fine with, since it is important to us that I be a SAHM instead of having a lot of money. But why would a birth mother be ok with this? She is wanting her child to go to a better home. Yes, I realize this is slightly irrational. But I've always had an issue with feeling unwanted or unwelcome in any situation.

And we aren't planning on staying in this house, so part of me wants to wait until we've bought a house (in theory around jan-feb) to start the process. But that reminds me of when we were moving before and I put off starting the foster care process. And I don't know if that's a good idea. I'm 98% sure that this house will pass a homestudy, so we could do that, and just get another one later when we buy a house, but if we have to pay for a homestudy than I don't want to pay for it twice.

And this is just the tip of the iceburg. The process seems so daunting to me right now. And then I freak out a little bit because I feel like I'm giving up again. Giving up on being pregnant. And I don't believe that- I have faith that I will be pregnant someday, but it's hard to remember that when I'm sitting in the last 2ww I'm going to have for a long time. I don't plan to go back on birth control, unless my OB/GYN wants me to because of the cysts. I don't like BCP so I don't want to.

My brain doesn't stop. And that's not really a bad thing. But my control freak self has found something else she can attempt to control. I feel like I have a greater sense of control over adoption. Even with all the things I can't control, it feels like something NEW I can attempt to control.

Man I'm crazy LOL!!

Terrified

2010-11-10T19:07:00.000-08:00

That's my new description for how I feel.

Terrified of not being pregnant. Terrified of sinking deeper into this hole that I have found myself in again. The hole that took me SO LONG to climb out of. And terrified of letting myself get my hopes up only to be devastated again.

I didn't really blog about my last BFN, because I didn't know how to express what I felt. I think I was mostly ignoring it entirely. I was trying SO HARD to pretend that I was OK with the fact that I wasn't pregnant. And I was slowly sinking into a hole I didn't know was under my feet. And then I realized one day that I had sunk back down. I sat in front of the TV for an ENTIRE DAY. I did nothing except play on my laptop and watch TV. While my laundry and dishes piled up and my other commitments went by the wayside.

To some, this may seem like no big deal. This may seem like a dream for most overworked women. But for me it's a sign of a bad habit that I used to have.

You see, last year, and even before TTC- when I was in the worst of my depression- this is ALL I DID, day in and day out. Slowly with the support of my family and friends I made my way out of the house, but I was still utterly useless at home.

When we moved back home (to my hometown) and I started working out, and doing other things to help me with my depression, I honestly felt a lot better. I don't think I would say that I was out of my depression, and I still clung to my antidepressants with all I had. But I was FUNCTIONING!! I had a clean house, clean MATCHED socks (seriously- this is a huge thing in our household) and was meeting at least most of my commitments to the best of my ability.

It doesn't escape my attention that I felt this great when we weren't TTC. We took this summer off of fertility treatments. I didn't chart, I didn't worry about anything. I took a couple PG tests just to be sure that I wasn't one of those "miracle" stories you hear about women who just stop trying and get PG. But other than that- I wasn't worried about it. Yes, I still wanted a child- and yes I still mourned the fact that I wasn't pregnant- but it was different.

And after the last cycle, when I was SO CONVINCED that I was pregnant- I am terrified of this getting worse. Today I've felt better. In the last week or so I have worked hard to get back to where I was. And I'm getting there. I'm only slightly more motivated- but I'm getting there. I CANNOT go back to that place. I CANNOT be that person again. And I feel like I don't have a choice. I feel like because of TTC- I've put myself back in a place where it just gets worse.

I feel like I have an anvil hanging over my head. And it has an expiration date. Because I might be able to put off POAS- but at some point in the next couple weeks- I WILL find out whether or not I'm pregnant. Even if I don't take a test, AF will show and the same truth will be revealed. And then I will end up back in the place that could have ended my marriage if I had continued much further.

Sorry for the ramble, my feelings are all jumbled up right now.

I think we are going to make the next TTC break a lot longer than I was originally thinking. I was just planning on taking a month. But I'm seriously considering stopping altogether right now. My previous need to carry a child is gone. I don't care anymore.

So I think after AF arrives, DH and I are going to seriously pursue adoption. We are going to finally fill out our foster care paperwork, and see if that is even an option (we've decided that we want one baby right now, and that drastically reduces our chances of a placement) and then start seriously looking into domestic adoption. Although we were previously worried about the cost- we've reconsidered. We will make it work and as bad as it sounds- we have some family members (that are very blessed) that would gladly donate to the cause of expanding our family.

Please pray for me next week. I will be POAS on Monday. And AF should arrive tues or wed- unless I have a super long luteal phase like last time. I don't know how I will react, but I know that the only way I will be able to get through it is with God's help and strength.

Another PG announcement

2010-11-06T21:19:00.000-07:00

So I usually try to be graceful when I hear another PG announcement. Especially if it's the new mom who is telling me the news herself. But today I was less than graceful.

Last night I went to a Lockin with our Youth group at church and didn't sleep all night. Then I went to our Church's Hillbilly Breakfast (which was TOTALLY worth the extra sleep deprivation).

As I was leaving, one of the girls cornered me and gave me a hard time about leaving early, and then suddenly dropped the bomb on me that she is "Probably Pregnant".

I'm not really sure what that even means- and I suspect that she is going to have either a "false alarm" or a miscarriage in her future. She is one of those drama queens that always has to have something REALLY DRAMATIC going on in her life. And she always tries to one up everyone else.

*Disclaimer- I'm not saying she's definitely lying, and if she does in fact have a M/C I will not discount her pain or show any sign that I don't believe her, but we all know that there are women out there that take advantage of the attention that a false M/C can give them. And this blog is my place to say the thoughts that I can't say out loud, for whatever reason. So I hope that this doesn't hurt anyone's feelings.

Anyway- when she said this I froze. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't say congrats, or even say ANYTHING. All I said was "I really have to go now". And then she ignored me and kept talking, and I said it again. And then she realized how stupid she was- and grabbed me and hugged me. And all the while I'm looking at the door just wanting to bolt LOL! Finally, after the third time I said I had to go- she let me, making sure to tell me not to tell ANYONE (for example, her FMIL who hates her and happens to be my mom's BFF).

I realize, that I could have been MUCH less graceful- but I hate to be anything less than downright cheery when I get PG announcements. Because now, for the next few weeks- I'm going to get those pity looks. The ones that say "I have NO idea how you are feeling, and I couldn't really care less- but I want you to know that I feel sorry for you and I'm SO glad I'm not you"

Ok- they probably aren't thinking that, but it's what it feels like. And I don't really care if she's upset with me, but I am surprised at myself for freezing like that. I blame it on the SEVERE lack of sleep, and the fact that she blindsided me like that. We were literally talking about breakfast and she just casually threw that in. LOL

In other news- I'm happily ignoring my 2ww. I am debating whether or not I'll make it to my test date- the 15th. We are going to MILs on the 13th, and the (very small) part of me that is still optimistic is thinking that telling MIL in person would be great.

So, I'll be working with that OCD for several more days LOL. I'm leaning towards waiting- but we'll see if I actually make it that long. ;-)

GN/BN

2010-10-31T14:49:00.000-07:00

GN- There were only 4 follies this morning, and although I didn't get the sizes (my dr was actually the one to give me the U/S, so I was picking her brain and forgot to ask the sizes) they were big enough to trigger. After thinking about it yesterday and chatting with a few IF friends, I was mostly concerned with any smaller ones that might be a problem. So we triggered, and now we just wait. I'm a little nervous about the risk for multiples, but I feel confident that we did the right thing moving forward, and my Dr was ok with it.

BN- We talked about where to go from here. I had decided that I was willing to move forward to Injects, like she and I had talked about before, but not until the new year- and not until we did another SA to be clear on what the whole picture was.

She burst my bubble on that one. Since I am already producing too many follies on Clomid- she thinks that doing Injects would just make me overstim SO much more. And then she said she thinks IVF would be our best option at that point.....

Now, I don't think Injects are completely out of the question, and we still might consider it. But she said that since I overstim- I would probably just end up canceling the cycle, and we would be wasting our money.

She knows that IVF is not an option for us right now, so she was really focused on this cycle, and then doing one more cycle of Clomid (that would put me at 6 cycles total) and then deciding from there.

I'm pretty happy with that.

I have a theory about my body and Clomid and I have no idea if it has any possible validity- it's just an opinion.
I know that Clomid stays in your system for quite a while. I think that Clomid stays in my system longer than most people, and that explains why my symptoms get worse with subsequent cycles, and why I produce more eggs with subsequent cycles, and why the ONE and ONLY time I have Oed on my own, was right after 3 Clomid cycles.

Again, just a theory, and if you are more knowledgeable than I am about this, feel free to tell me if I am wrong. But in my crazy mind, it makes sense LOL

For now I'm very happy with the appointment. My faith is stronger today, and as much as I don't want to admit that it's probably because of the good appointment, I know it probably is. But I'm trying hard to have faith in God.

Ok.... it's really hitting me now

2010-10-29T13:17:00.000-07:00

I'm REALLY angry. I am so frustrated because honestly- we are at the end of our rope for right now. The Dr wanted me to move to Injects a while ago, but since we only have 50% coverage, it will just cost us a bit too much right now. We are focusing our finances on paying down debts and building up savings. So although we could probably swing it- we are FINALLY getting back to a good point financially, and I don't want to spend that kind of money each month.

We could go towards the study at the local university- but I don't know if we will even qualify. And I've already been on the Clomid for 5 cycles- I really shouldn't do too many more.

All of this combined with my doubt in my intuition- and I'm scared that I will NOT get pregnant any time soon.

DH and I are back to talking about Adoption. I am starting to think that I want to do direct domestic adoption, instead of foster care- but again- it's about the money for us. We can apply for grants, and I've looked into other options, but then I start to wonder if we can save the money- would that be better spent on IF treatments? Or is it the other way around?

It's all just so confusing, and I'm not handling any of it right now.

I'm confused... and frustrated

2010-10-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

So I had my U/S this morning. I had 4 Follies- 15, 15.5, 16 and another one that I can't remember the size.

I knew there were 4 when I walked out of the office, and that they wanted me to come back in a couple days for another U/S and my trigger...
They had me schedule an appt for both tomorrow and Sunday since they didn't know when they wanted me to come in yet.
They called me back a couple hours ago and told me I was coming in on Sunday. Ok fine. They also told me that I had 4 follies (Uhmmm... OK yeah I noticed that) and that they wanted me to abstain until we know how many of them mature.

Now... I only had 3 follies last cycle. And everything that I've seen (admittedly from Google) says that the norm is 2-4 follies, with 5 being the max for most doctors.

So I am thinking that I'm going to ignore the Dr about abstinence for these reasons-
I don't really want to cancel anyway, but if they DO cancel, I won't O until CD 19 at the earliest, so it won't really matter anyway. I will only O early if they give me a trigger, and if they do that- then I will be covered.... does that make sense?

And am I wrong about the 4 follies? Because even if they say they want to cancel- I'm considering telling them that I don't want to.

I am not exactly thrilled at the idea of multiples, but both DH and I feel that if God blesses us with more than 1- then he will give us the strength to handle it. Obviously we aren't going to make a choice that would put me in any danger, so if there were something like 10 follies then we would definitely cancel- but this doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me. I think my Drs office is just super conservative.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update- Yes I'm listening to my doc. I really don't want to risk high order multiples.

I have to take next month off because I'm going to be in FL during the week of O, and for a lot of other reasons that I can't quite talk about publicly yet. So I think I will talk to DH about doing a round of injects after the new year. And doing another SA and seeing a urologist in the meantime. Since his numbers weren't the greatest last time, I want to see if that was just that day- or if it's a real problem- or if we need to move straight to IUI or something.

I'm rather out of hope right now. And beer. It's a bad combination. ;-)

I'm sure you've guessed by my silence....

2010-10-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

That I am not pregnant. Took a test last Sat, and it was Neg, but it was only 12DPO so I was still holding on to hope. Took another test Sun, and BFN. Mon morn was my Beta and it came back at 0.

That was a bad day. It's been a bad week. All of that hope that I was holding on to came back to hit me in the face HARD. It wasn't just hope though.

And then, after the beta, my temp stayed up all the way until Thursday and AF didn't arrive until yesterday. So of course I deluded myself even further into thinking that maybe I WAS PG and that the beta didn't show anything because implantation occurred late and that if AF didn't show on Fri then I would POAS and it would be positive.

So yesterday was a bad day too. That's when it REALLLY hit me. When I REALLY realized that this was NOT the cycle. And while I didn't really cry (I got most of that out on the drive home from the Drs on Mon) I sunk into a depression. I was having an anxiety attack at the grocery store because I didn't want to be anywhere but safe at home, which was the last place I really needed to be for my own good.

I am a person who believes in intuition, gut feeling, instincts or whatever you want to call it. I suppose I feel that my intuition is how I can feel God's guidance. I've always had a "gut feeling" about just about anything in my life. And when my gut tells me to do something, or that something is or isn't going to work out- I generally trust it.

Well I was SURE that I was PG this cycle. I thought it was my intuition, and that God was giving me this assurance that this was going to work.

I was wrong. VERY wrong. I managed to delude myself into thinking that I could actually will myself to be pregnant. So this BFN wasn't just telling me that I wasn't pregnant, it was telling me that I can't trust my intuition or gut feeling anymore. I'm questioning a LOT of things.

Like the fact that I thought God had given me peace that I WILL be pregnant and have my own child one day. What if I just made that up in my head and convinced myself that it was God?

And it's not just about TTC either. I feel like I can't trust my instincts or my intuition about things like the guys my BFF dates, or about people that I meet. And I feel like I've lost a big part of who I am. I am second guessing every decision I make, and that has caused me to hole myself up at home.

I've tried to get out, because I am not a person who should be allowed to be at home alone for extended periods of time. My depression tends to get the better of me then. So last night I took my time doing a lot of things just to avoid feeling like I was sitting here alone.

All in all I'm doing a little better today. I am getting ready to leave to go to my nephew's 3rd birthday party. I am very excited for this and I can't believe he is 3, but I'm not looking forward to being around a bunch of people.

Tonight DH is taking me to see "Life as we Know it" which I am VERY excited for. I want to see that movie SO bad and every time I see a preview I get excited!

So I'm pulling myself back out, and God is helping me, although I admit that I am back to being a little angry with him and feel a bit like I can't here or feel him. It's very frustrating.

POAS today

2010-10-03T17:23:00.000-07:00

I REALLY told myself that I wasn't going to POAS 12 times this cycle. I'm amazed I made it this far LOL

I wanted to see if the HCG from the trigger shot was out of my system. I got my first ever BFP LOL. But it's a VERRRYYY faint line, so I'm not too worried about it.

I was having visions of getting a BFP and then getting the blood results back and being told that it was just the trigger shot that stayed in my system for too long. So I had to know. I am a control freak- I realize this LOL

So now- hopefully when I test in a week, and I get a BFP (we're being horribly optimistic this cycle, it's dangerous, but I've given up being cautious LOL) I will have the chance to be immediately excited and celebrate, instead of worrying that it's a false positive.

I was trying really hard to hold on to being cautious to protect myself from what will happen if it doesn't work. And it wasn't working very well. So I've decided that if I'm going to hope this much, I might as well put everything I have into it. I will have a nervous breakdown either way if this cycle doesn't work, so why not enjoy it now!! LOL

Am I crazy for that? Over a year of BFNs have taught me that hope is dangerous when it comes to TTC. And yet- this cycle I have dreamed and planned and played "What If" in my head a thousand times. I might as well be saying this stuff out loud! At least to my blog at least. :D

Here's hoping for a BFP next week!!! This has been the worst 2ww EVER!!

Back from the Dr

2010-09-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

It went SO well and I was clearly worrying over nothing.

I got three mature follicles. Two are 15mm and one was 18mm. So I got my ovidrel shot and now DH and will be BDing like crazy LOL

I am still really invested in this cycle, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much.

And after my wonderful appointment- I found out that a good friend of the family is in remission from Lymphoma!!

My day was cruddy yesterday- but now it's SO much better!!! God is good!

UGH I'm seriously going to cry over this.

2010-09-26T20:11:00.000-07:00

WARNING- This entire post is TMI.

I have a yeast infection. I'm so scared to take anything or do anything to stop the itching.

I have my ultrasound tomorrow, so I'll just ask my RE then what I can do and how this might affect our chances of getting PG this cycle.

I read that the change in PH can affect the sperm and our ability to get PG this cycle. This makes me very cranky because I CANNOT put this cycle off. I really can't. I will lose my ever loving mind.

I am terrified that I'm going to go to this ultrasound tomorrow and be told that nothing has happened, like last time. I have put WAY too much weight into this cycle. Which was a STUPID idea. But here I am- seriously invested in the assumption that I will see two lines in about 2 weeks.

And then I realized that my Conception lube disappeared. Since Clomid tends to dry me out really bad so I had some sperm friendly lube. Well it's missing. And I went to go buy more and I can't find it at either of the stores I usually frequent.

I am also irrationally scared that I will go into this appointment tomorrow and be told that there is no response. Because that's what happened last time.

Yes I realize this is completely irrational because I know the Clomid makes me ovulate. I have tracked that with charting and have had 3 ovulatory cycles with Clomid. But I'm still crazy and I have weird irrational fears.

So yeah- I'm ready for tomorrow to come so I can know what lies ahead. And then of course we begin the 2WW which will bring on a whole other set of neuroses LOL

Random thoughts

2010-09-23T21:12:00.000-07:00

So I've realized that this summer was FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC. LOL. Aside from the TONS of stress that I've been through, I did so many amazing things and really just had an amazing summer. I kind of feel like it was my last Hurrah before we have a baby. Ya know that annoying phrase that you sometimes hear?

"You should enjoy the time you have before you have a baby"

It's never good to hear, but honestly- that's what I have done this summer. We took the summer off because of moving and then had to postpone a couple more cycles because of other stuff. I went to 4 concerts (all of which were AMAZING) went to Cedar Point twice (maybe a third time, still deciding LOL) and just spent the summer hanging out with BFF a TON. I can't even remember all the awesome stuff I'm thinking of. But I'm glad I had this summer.

Not to say that I am glad I've gone through IF, I'm just seeing the silver lining in the situation.

During this summer, BFF also went through A REALLY long summer of dating. She went through a LOT of bad guys.

I think both of us going through a crappy point in our lives, it made the summer that much better. I don't think that if I had everything going great in my life that I could have been the support that she needed. I think our suffering helped us to help each other.

So that's my silver lining of the night.

Cycle update- I am done with the Clomid and started taking Mucinex to increase my CM. My ultrasound in Monday and I am SO nervous because of what happened last time.

Wish me luck!!

CD1! New cycle!

2010-09-12T19:45:00.000-07:00

It's officially CD1, which works well for the timing for my ultrasound,which as we know I DID NOT schedule well last month LOL

I bought yet another BBT thermometer tonight because mine died. I haven't been charting for quite a few months, I'm worried that I won't be as vigilant as I should be, but I have a feeling that the old habits of obsession will kick in quickly LOL

Three Years. and an update

2010-09-08T20:06:00.000-07:00

Today is my third wedding anniversary. We took this weekend and got a hotel room and just relaxed. It was pretty great to get away from all of the drama of our lives in the last month.

I am thrilled that we made it through the last three years and know that we can make it through anything. We've gone through our rough patches, and I think we've truly overcome it and have grown a lot.

Grandma is finally home and doing a lot better, but she had a couple of rough patches. It's been a very long month and I'm glad we ended up canceling this cycle.

I'm back on the progesterone and AF will probably arrive within the week. I'm excited about this cycle, and admittedly putting a lot of hope into it.

This cycle will consist of the following

50mg Clomid CD5-9
CD 16 ultrasound
Possible trigger shot and timed intercourse
Mucinex CD10-3DPO
Acupuncture throughout my cycle

As well as all the other tricks, elevated hips, grapefruit, loose boxers and everything else that I can't think of right now.

Like I said, I am putting a lot of weight in this cycle. My BFF/Cousin Lisa is pregnant and as happy as I am for her, I really want to be pregnant with her rather than watch her go through what I would LOVE to have for 9 months.

So that's pretty much the update on me. It's been a long month, but my faith has definitely been strengthened and I am handling all of this a lot better than I have in the past.

Sorry for the extended absence! I swear I'm back now and I'll be back to commenting on my favorite blogs.

New phones, family drama, and hospitals

2010-08-02T04:36:00.001-07:00

That pretty much sums up the last few days in the life of Stephanie.

I managed to drop my cell phone into a glass of mountain dew about a week ago and although my phone worked for a couple days, after a while it wouldn't charge anymore.

I have the fabulous Verizon network and I was able to upgrade early, and as a bonus- so did DH. We both got LG Allys, since they were BOGO.

I love my phone, and I am actually blogging from it right now!

The day my phone stopped working was the day I had my meltdown last week. Shortly after my last post, I realized that my phone wasn't working. It wasn't the best week LOL

On Saturday, I was supposed to babysit my neice (who currently lives with me) and I was sleeping when my cousin Heather called me to ask me to go visit my grandma and check on her because she had been sick all night. I jumped up, checked that DH could watch Leah once Lisa went to work, and ran over there. I wasn't there long when I realized that she needed to go to the hospital. I was expecting resistance from her, but she was REALLY sick.

Several tests, a hospital stay and many drugs later, she was diagnosed with an infection in her bowels and will be here for a few more days. She is still pretty sick right now so we want someone here 24/7. Thankfully that isn't too hard in our family. My grandmother had 6 children and many grandchildren, so there hasn't been a problem making sure someone is here. I have the night shift tonight and was here all of Saturday. I am super tired and ready for thie to be over, but I'm feeling really bed for my grandma.

And I decided not to take the clomid. With everything going on it was just too much. I don't even have time to chart right now! LOL

Breaking point

2010-07-27T11:12:00.000-07:00

I think everyone has a breaking point, and yesterday was mine. It was CD1 and I was excited to start this cycle and start the Clomid. And then I realized that I had a vacation scheduled for CD15-19. For me, this is a big deal since I usually O on CD19-22. My RE wanted me to have an U/S on CD16.

My cousin is going to afghanistan next month and this is my last chance to see him so I can't really cancel . And I don't want to change around the dates of our US because I don't want to miss our timing.

So we are taking ANOTHER cycle off. I was NOT happy about this fact. I was very angry, bitter and just sad.

And then I had another pregnancy announcement. I was THRILLED for them. I jumped up and down because these are two very close friends who deserve this more than anyone. She and I have been talking about TTC and babies for years. And just when they stopped trying, she got PG. I am still so thrilled for them.

And then I went home. And there were posts all over Facebook. And I lost it. Worse than I ever have. Over the course of the next hour I proceeded to cry and just lose my mind. I finally realized that I just CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. The pain of not being pregnant while everyone else is getting PG is too much.

And that was my night. At some point I had the realization that I HAVE to keep doing this, because giving up would be worse. But today I'm a little raw and of course DH is picking today to pick a fight with me and just be a big fat jerk.

I am considering just doing a regular clomid cycle with no U/S since I have a couple of refills and then I would at least ovulate and we might make the timing right, but then I wouldn't be out the $ for the U/S and other things. But I'm not sure that is such a great idea...

Busy busy busy!

2010-06-28T10:45:00.000-07:00

After recovering from being sick, I have been running non stop! I finally got around to stocking up the kitchen in the new house, and have been enjoying cooking again. Before we moved, I had gone back to not really cooking at all. As of right now I've cooked dinner every night in the last week!

I actually am hosting my biweekly family dinner tonight. It will be a little smaller but a couple cousins are coming over with their kids. In total, we will have 4 adults, 4 kids and one newborn! I have enjoyed these dinners and I'm glad I get to host them. :)

Saturday I hosted part of a progressive dinner for our teens, which was great and then all day yesterday we were at ILs at a party for BIL and SIL. They are moving to Japan (BIL is in the Navy) and will likely be there for a few years, so this was sort of a going away party. We didn't get home until 1am, although part of that time was spent playing Rock Band with BIL and SIL! We had so much fun and I wish we got to spend more time with them.

My body is confusing me. I think AF arrived, but just when I think she didn't, she rears her ugly head again. I STILL haven't started the progesterone, and when I thought AF arrived, I was just going to go with that, but now I am going to take it anyway to get a full clean start.

And then I need to figure out where I put my folder of info. It has my Clomid prescription in it!! :) Moving is so FUN

I have moved!!

2010-06-23T14:40:00.000-07:00

We moved on Saturday and I have finally gotten a chance to sit down and update what's been going in. I warn you now, this is a VERY LONG blog post.

First of all, I'm glad to be moved and in the new house. I'm working on organizing, but I hit a bit of a snag when I got SUPER sick on Sunday night. I ended up in the ER with a fever of 102.8 that would NOT go down. They sent me home with an official diagnosis of "sore throat" but said they thought it was strep since I was definitely exposed (Josh had it last week) and I was exhibiting symptoms. I am on Antibiotics but I'm starting to think it's bronchitis since it's ALL in my chest at this point. But they would give me antibiotics for bronchitis too so I'm not going to do anything until I am done with the meds.

My SIL is staying with us right now. I posted about her in my last post, but didn't get a chance to update. She was completely sober when DH found her, but she was determined to go to KY with a guy she had known for just a few days. After staying with us and trying to get the funds for the ticket, she decided not to go and finally realized that this guy was NOT GOOD. As of right now she is very motivated to STAY clean, and that is going to require some work. It's easy for her when she is staying with us, but it's another thing to be out on her own or something. I am not willing to let her stay here indefinitely, since we would not be able to get into the foster care program, but she is here until Sunday, and possibly longer depending on the circumstances. We are taking it one step at a time. She has actually been very helpful and very respectful of me and my ground rules. She and I are the same age so we get along well, even if we don't have much in common.

We also went to our fostercare orientation yesterday. It was pretty much stuff we already knew, but we found out that the first classes we will be able to start classes in the fall. DH is a little disappointed that we won't be able to go until then, but I'm ok with it. I am putting a lot of hope on this cycle of Clomid, which I still haven't started. I haven't even started my progesterone. I just picked it up the other day!!! I am just SO TIRED of not getting pregnant, that I am DETERMINED that if I do EVERYTHING right I can make it happen. What? That doesn't work? LOL. Logically I know that it doesn't quite work that way, but somehow I keep trying to think of ways that I can make this cycle work ya know?

If you made it through all that, you are a saint :)

My family needs prayers, badly

2010-06-15T18:33:00.000-07:00

I can’t really go into it all right now but my SIL, who is a drug addict who we thought was recovering, has relapsed in the last few weeks. As far as we know she is at a bus station in Detroit and DH is on his way to find her and hopefully pick her up.

The plan as it stands is to bring her back to our home right now. Since we live in the boonies and she doesn’t know where we live, it’s the best solution. FIL and StepMIL will pick her up tomorrow and admit her to rehab for the 4th time.
Pray. Pray. Pray. Please. I am not sure how to handle all this and I am freaking out.

TIA

Off day

2010-06-10T18:41:00.000-07:00

I'm a pretty confident person 90% of the time. But I have an issue with feeling like I'm being excluded from something. Maybe it's a side effect of being an only child and always being alone, but I have a compulsion to be included wherever I am.
When I was a young teenager, this made me crazy and I didn't know how to handle it. As I got older I finally realized that sometimes people aren't excluding me, they are just turning their heads, or whatever it is that they are doing.

And I've gotten way better. I have found ways to make sure I don't turn twitchy when I am not being included in something, but I still have those thoughts. I still see faces that people make, or something that they say or the tone in their voice, and I usually think that they are wishing I wasn't around, or something like that. This usually makes me start acting loud and awkward because I'm self consious that they don't want me around. It's a vicious cycle. I am very good at making sure that doesn't happen with my close circle of friends, but sometimes when I got out with people who I don't see all the time, it happens.

And I think my hormones make it worse. I feel like I am on the clomid right now, even though I know I'm not. I'm just having a bad emotional day.

Ever since my breakdown on Saturday I've been fighting desperately to get back the confidence and calm that I had about everything in life. But I can't seem to get there. I'm anxious, nervous and just all around depressed. I hate that. A lot.

Thankfully I'm distracting myself with packing. And I've discovered that I have a LOT of crap. Purging is very cathartic, so it has helped my mood immensely. I think I'm actually going to go upstairs and pack now. It feels good to have things organized and pared down. Apparently I needed the deadline of moving to make me do these things.

Wait.... Who is that?

2010-06-09T13:48:00.000-07:00

Could that possibly be Stephanie?

Yes, I've been gone for a while. I have been reading, commenting when I can but that's about it. A fellow blogger posted a couple days ago that not blogging is like a vicious cycle. You don't blog because you are too busy, or other random reasons. And then when you can blog, there is so much to say that you don't because it's too daunting.

So as much as I would like to go into every detail of why the following things happened, I can't or this would be a post that lasted a year. So instead, I'm just gonna give you the bullet points.

We are MOVING!! We found a rental house, 6 blocks from our church that is in our budget and is beautiful. We move on June 19th and I am really excited. Yeay for moving forward!!
We are taking a break with TTC until we move. I am anxious about being on clomid again and I want to wait until we are settled. And I'm just tired
I am an auntie to a new baby girl. I thought I was going to be fine when she was born, I wasn't. I had a major breakdown and ended up realizing that it's a REALLY good thing that we are taking a break.
DH is on board with IUI and maybe even a mini IVF if we are lead in that direction, although I doubt that's going to happen.
We have decided to do this round of Clomid and then start a study at a local university that will do clomid/femara and then IUI for up to 6 cycles.
We are going to a foster care orientation on June 22nd. I am pretty excited about this, but also super nervous.

So all in all, very good things. Limbo feels like it's on its way out the door and we are moving forward FINALLY!!!

Saw Dr F today

2010-05-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment at 10:15 this morning. I saw one of the OBGYN Medical students first. She asked me about what happened last cycle, and we talked about I had basically ZERO response to Femara. She said she thought Dr F wanted to go to Injects, and I made sure to express my concerns about cost. Since our insurance only covers 50%, I was worried about the costs of the monitoring. With all those ultrasounds and bloodwork, I knew it would cost close to $1k for each cycle. We are open to that idea, but we'd like to exhaust any other option first.

The med student left, and a few minutes later Dr F came in. She told me she didn't think increasing my dose of Femara would do any good, and that she did think Injects were the next logical step. We talked about the costs and she confirmed my concerns about the cost per cycle. She asked me about Clomid thinking I would say NOOOO. But I am not completely against it, I'm just against going to the 100mg dose. The 50mg worked for me.

So she agreed that we should try a couple cycles of Clomid again before going to injects. We will also be adding monitoring and a possible trigger shot, which I didn't have before. Sooooo we shall see. I was pretty discouraged since Clomid didn't result in a pregnancy before. But I'm hoping that the midcycle ultrasound and the ovidrel will make the difference.

So after Dr F left, the nurse came in. She is awesome. She brought me a folder of info on injects, including a cost sheet for what it costs for the monitoring on an inject cycle. Complete with Medical codes!!! So, I can contact my insurance and verify that they will only pay 50%. Maybe I will get lucky and they will consider the U/S and bloodwork something other than IF!!

Also, once the next 3 cycles are up, we are gonna have DH see the urologist. So, that's another step we have.

And DH and I had a big discussion about all this. We agreed to start the fostercare process right now. I have contacted the licensing agent for my county. Although we will be moving in a few months, we would like to get all of the steps out of the way now so that when we move we can have the home inspection in the new house whenever we move.

So once again, we have a crazy amount of new stuff now. YEAY!!

REs office called back

2010-05-13T16:30:00.000-07:00

Dr F wants to skip past increasing doses of Femara or going back to Clomid and wants to jump to Injectables. I have to schedule an appointment with Dr F asap.

I also found out that our offer got rejected on the house we were looking at. I posted about it HERE.

It's been a day of bad news....

I have to thank Sew, over at Sew Infertile because she put a lot of it into perspective for me today. She posted a letter of sorts to herself before she got pregnant. If you get a chance, read it. I felt like she spoke right to me and I think it might be why I'm doing so well today. God knew I needed to read exactly what she wrote, and I have a sense of peace. Even with the bad news I've gotten today, I'm still in a good mood.

Also, a two year old around the house makes life fun. Leah is wearing me out, but she is SO CUTE. And when she sings "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" in the backseat, I almost melt from cuteness :)

New look

2010-05-13T09:32:00.000-07:00

I was getting bored with my old blog look, and I wanted something that was more "ME". I scoured various blog template sites, and couldn't find much that I liked. Since I have dabbled in digital scrapbooking, I have tons of elements I could use to make my own.

So I present to you, My new blog!!!

In other news, I am waiting very impatiently for the doctor to call me back to let me know what is going on. I am in a really good mood this morning though, so I thank God for that.

Thank you for all your encouraging comments. I really appreciate it!!

I love my husband

2010-05-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

(Three blog posts in one day? WHAT!?)

I can't remember if I posted about keeping my Goddaughter Leah this week or not. She is 2 1/2 and has DH wrapped around her tiny little finger.

She is understandably a little upset when we put her to bed because she misses her mommy. Bedtime has been a little rough, but not too bad. She was crying after we put her down and since I put her down, DH went up there 5 min later. He told her that it was OK, and that she was safe and that "Unc Paul" and Aunt Stephie were downstairs. She said OK and went right to sleep.

The smile on his face when he came downstairs is priceless. As was the look on his face when he was reading her a bedtime story. I can't help but cry today over that. I can't help but wonder how long it will take us to have our own child (biological or otherwise) permanently in our home. This man has SO MUCH love to give kids, and trust me, he does his best to spread the love to our nieces and nephews. But it breaks my heart to see how happy this makes him and know that it won't last forever.

But watching the two of them together is priceless. She follows him around when he is home. If she can't find him she will ask for him by name. I haven't been blessed with a title of Auntie yet. She just calls me Stephanie. But she calls him "Unc Paul" and it makes me melt every.single.time!!

This has turned into ab it of a rant. Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. I am doing better this evening, most likely thanks to Leah, but I'm sure the negative emotions will come back.

I'm mostly angry at myself for getting my hopes up like I did.

I'm hoping the Dr will have a better plan tomorrow and we can start the next cycle ASAP. I asked if I could start progesterone today to induce AF, but the nurse wanted me to wait LOL. I am a little impatient ;)

Quick update

2010-05-12T12:37:00.000-07:00

Talked to the REs office. They don't think Femara worked for me AT ALL. So I won't be getting a higher dose. I will most likely go back to Clomid and add CD14 monitoring like with this cycle.

I REALLY thought the Femara would be my miracle drug. So I'm disappointed that we wasted a whole cycle :(

And DH was trying to be helpful but just made me more upset by pulling up pics of kids that need to be adopted.

Thanks honey, that doesn't make this better.

RE Appointment/Ultrasound

2010-05-12T06:23:00.000-07:00

I had my ultrasound this morning to check the follicles. I got to see Dr W- who is super cute! I adore him. He is funny and always makes me feel at ease.

Have I told you guys how much I LOVE my REs office? Just checking ;)

A med student actually did the U/S and it wasn't so bad but Dr W said that my uterus was cloudy or something along those lines. He wanted to check my progesterone because he feels that I may have already ovulated.
Or the Femara didn't work and I have to start over with a possible higher dose.

He noted that the biggest follicle was misshapen and that's another reason he thinks I may have already ovulated.

My chart says I haven't ovulated, so I'm pretty grim right now. I was SO OPTIMISTIC about this cycle, and now I'm just numb. I'm upset and angry and just.... I don't even think there is a word to describe what I am right now.

On the way home I was just wondering, Will I EVER be pregnant? I know that I believed that God had told me that I would someday, but that of course doesn't mean that I will be right now. And what if I was just making that up in my head to delude myself even further!

Thankfully I am keeping my 2yr old niece this week, and I also have Joshua this evening. The two of them should help to keep me in good spirits, but overall I'm pretty pessimistic.

I want to hope that Dr W will call and tell me that my Progesterone levels are high, and I've already ovulated! Because we timed sex pretty well. And then we might still have a chance. But I can't hope that right now. Because I was REALLY hopeful the last two weeks. I was CONVINCED that I was going to get PG this cycle. And the higher your hopes are, the harder you fall.

When did I get this cynical?

Random worries of the week

2010-05-04T20:12:00.000-07:00

I'm worried that I'm going to overstim and we are going to have to cancel the cycle.

I'm worried that the whole cycle won't work.

I'm worried that we will move into a new house and I STILL won't be PG

I'm worried that my sanity is REALLY going this time.

I'm in a valley of this roller coaster. I go back and forth from Fine with everything to SO NOT fine.

And right now with everything going on I am just NOT fine. I am worried about our house situation.

We are trying to do a short sale on our house but might end up having to do foreclosure. At this point, we are running out of time and I think the house would do better if we weren't living in it. But we can't buy a house until we can rebuild DHs credit enough.

I found out today that my Mom's old house- that we have been keeping an eye on- is dropping even lower in price. An old neighbor friend called me to tell me that they are willing to accept just about anything and they are desperate. So we are going to WAY low ball them and ask to rent for like 6 months. Not really lease to own, but just rent so we can build up DHs credit but not have to move into an apartment.

And if they say no- it's not the end of the world. It's a great house, but it was my Moms house and it's not really my style. It would take a lot of work to make it my style. But for that price, I wouldn't be able to pass it up.

I'm just a ball of nerves right now.

I know I've said it before, but I AM SO SICK OF LIMBO. I just want to be SURE of something, at least ONE thing... just for a moment.

But even as I type this I am reminded to count my blessings.

I am sure that of my marriage. I am sure of the fact that no matter what is thrown at me, my husband will be standing next to me. I am sure of my family and their unwavering support.

My mother offered to buy her old house and rent it to us. I told her no, that we need to do this on our own- but the fact that she offered just reminds me of the amazing support system I have.

So although I started this post feeling sorry for myself. I am thankful that God has made it clear to me today what his plan is. I don't believe that while I am thinking that I don't want to buy this house because the bedrooms are too small, and the carpet isn't my color, suddenly the option is forced back in my face. It's a great house. My mom put a LOT of work into it. But I'm being a brat and I want my dream house right now. But our budget will not allow that at this moment. Our budget is for the in between house. And this house is the perfect in between house. It has all of our necessities. And some of the bonuses too.

And I don't know if we will actually end up in that house. But it's possible that we will. And I am reminded again and again that God's plan is perfect. His timing is PERFECT. If I can LET GO long enough to let him do HIS work, I am always amazed at how perfectly it fits together. Better than I- the constant planner- could EVER dream.

So I'm sorry that this post is one big ramble. You have just experienced a day in the life of my brain. Welcome, embrace the insanity! LOL

Haven't had much to say the last few days

2010-04-26T07:35:00.000-07:00

I don't really know what to say. I've been waiting to wait some more ;)

I was on the progesterone for 10 days and now I'm waiting for AF to arrive. I was charting just for funzies and FF gave me an O date of the day I started the Prog LOL. I admittedly had my hopes up a little, and my temp stayed up this morning, but I'm just waiting for AF so I can start the Femara. Either way I have hope for next cycle. It can't come soon enough!!!

Other than that I have been pretty busy. I have family in town and I've been spending every spare second with them. We are chomping at the bit waiting to move, but we have to wait just a little bit longer for financial reasons.

Right now my cutie nephew William is playing with Elmo on my couch. I am going to go play with him now :)

Tattoo

2010-04-19T10:34:00.000-07:00

I have one tattoo. I got it when I was 19. It's a cute tribal type tattoo of two butterflies. It holds no meaning other than I thought it was cute.

I have been wanting another for a couple years. Despite the fact that after getting my first tattoo, I said I NEVER would. Well of course, as I was told- I changed my mind.

This time I wanted something meaningful. I honestly couldn't think of anything that I would be willing to put on my body FOREVER so I have put it off.

A few weeks ago I tossed around the idea with DH of getting a tattoo to symbolize our struggle with IF. This is a journey that I will never forget, and will have an impact on who I am for years to come. So today I started looking around. I thought I might do something with a pomegranate, or something like that. And I came across THIS.

http://www.lifemedals.com/infertility-awareness-symbol.html

The other option was to do a simple ribbon like Infertility's Common Thread.

I am hoping to get something put on my shoulder. But I'm a bit of a girly girl and I don't like graphic tattoos. I like pretty, dainty tattoos. Which is why I think I love the infertility awareness badge. It's pretty, and it's simple. I could keep it rather small and just have it on my right shoulder.

And now that I'm thinking about it. It seems to have a bit of symbolism to it. Something about carrying the weight of IF on my shoulder? No.... Hmm. I should stay away from all things symbolic. I'm too literal.

RE Appointment

2010-04-15T10:46:00.000-07:00

Well first off, it's official. I did NOT ovulate this month. It's CD 23 and I haven't had any sustained rise in temp.
SOOOO. I have been discouraged this week. And I was SO anxious for the RE appointment today. I was-for some crazy reason- afraid they were going to tell me the only option for us was IUI at this point.

Last night I did what I do best. I obsessed over research. I checked out our health insurance to see what injectables were covered. Because I was convinced that, at the very least, we would be going that route. I found out that when/if we go that route, it will be a minimal OOP cost each cycle.

So I was a bundle of nerves when we got to the appointment today.

I need to say, for the hundredth time: I LOVE OUR RE'S OFFICE!! The nurses are great, the med students are great and our Doctors are great.

We work mostly with Dr. F. She is super sweet.

So the nurse asked us a ton of questions, as usual and we waited for Dr. F. A couple med students came in to ask me more questions and go over my test results with me.

The cortrosyn stimulation test came back normal, which means that there isn't anything wrong with my Adrenal gland and it's definitely PCOS. The sonohystogram of course went well, and all is clear there.

The glocose test came back above normal. I think my 2 hr number was 150 or so. So that means that I'm not diabetic yet, but I definitely have an issue that I need to deal with. SO- I have to get a referral to an Endocrinologist. FUN FUN. The nurse told me I needed to be careful and eat less carbs, less sugar. Of course.

I will have you know that I am currently munching on carrot sticks instead of getting fast food lunch on the way home. I'm gonna make myself a salad or a sammich in a bit. I DO need to work on my health now. Because I am already at a higher risk for GD and I don't want to drastically change my eating habits in the middle of pregnancy. I'd rather already have made the changes I needed. to make.

So now I have the actual TTC update.

The med students asked me about Clo.mid. I told them that I am not totally against going back on it, but that I would rather not since I had such a bad experience last time.
They also asked about what does of Metformin I am taking since I did ovulate on my own last cycle, but I didn't this time. They asked about the side effects I had on the Met and if I would consider increasing the dose.

Dr. F came in and, as usual, she put me right at ease. She talked about my results and said that while she would like to do another SA and refer DH to a urologist, she wants to focus on me and my problems right now. She also said that she wasn't going to go back to Clo.mid since I have already had 4 cycles and I had a bad experience last time.

She also mentioned increasing my Met dose to 1000mg a day. She wants to stick with the XR because the side effects are less intense with the XR, which I have proved to be good with.

So the plan is Femara days 3-7. CD14 ultrasound and possible trigger shot (ovidrel)
I have an appointment in July for follow up if we aren't PG by then. At that point she wants DH to see the urologist and get another SA.

I start progesterone today to induce AF.

SO- I am SO excited about this plan. It's proactive and I feel confident. And I feel silly for worrying about IUI when we still have so many options.

YEAY!

Bad Day

2010-04-10T07:23:00.000-07:00

Well, bad week actually.

It looks like I won't be having a baby in 2010. That means it will be 2011 before I have a baby in my arms, if at all. There is still a VERY slight chance that I might get PG this cycle. I'm only on CD18 and I might still ovulate.

But as we all know, hope can be a VERY delicate balance. You can't hope TOO much, or you will end up deluding yourself. But if you don't hope at all then what is the point?!?

So if I ovulate in the next 4 days, and get pregnant- then my EDD would be about December 31st LOL. So I might still end up with a 2010 baby...

But then of course- I have to stop myself from thinking like that, because of course- I need to be realistic. And I have an appt next thursday with the RE. And even if I don't O on my own again, we are going to have a PLAN!!! And the doctor will help us, and we will have a better chance of getting pregnant. So there IS HOPE!

So that? Up there? That insanity? That's my brain in the last week. I go back and forth between hope and realism.

And then I read stories like THIS one. An adoptive mother sends her 7 year old son back to Russia where she adopted him from. Apparently the boy had some emotional problems and was violent.

I don't know about others, but since I have explored the adoption option- I have been informed at least 4 times that any child we adopt could have any variety of problems. And when you adopt older children- the potential problems multiply!!

So I have a hard time believing that this woman was truly blindsided when the child she adopted presented with emotional and violence problems. She is an idiot. And to add insult to injury, the Russian government is considering freezing ALL american adoptions!

I am truly sorry for this poor boy and for any couple who is currently in the process of adopting from Russia!

Foster Care thoughts

2010-04-05T09:15:00.000-07:00

DH and I have been thinking about foster care for a while now. We hit a point where we had to address the reality that I might never be pregnant. And we began to seriously think about Fostering to Adopt.

Unfortunately, we can't start the process until we move, which won't be for at least another couple months. But it gives us time to think.

During that time God really gave me a peace about our TTC struggles. He let me know in his infinite way that I WILL be pregnant at some point. Of course, this doesn't mean that I will get pregnant right now, or that it is going to be easy. But he has given me peace about that, and I thank him for that. If we decide to move on to Foster care, I can do so without feeling like I am giving something very important up. Because I truly want his plan for my life.

But yesterday I was thinking about the idea of a mixed family in the sense of biological and adopted children. I worried about the fact that if we foster after we have one or more of our own biological children, we will inevitably limit ourselves dramatically in what age range we will accept, along with other factors. Because our first priority WILL be our biological child. And I don't feel guilty for that.

So I already know that it will be harder for us. And I keep saying that I feel that foster care is something that Paul and I are called to. But am I only saying that until I have a child of my own in my arms? Am I REALLY willing to do foster care after we have our own child?

And if we do- how long will we wait? Should our child be 5? Will we try for a second biological child?

I know that I can't have all the answers right now, and all these questions really aren't about answers. I suppose I felt the need to examine my intentions. And I see very clearly that God may not allow us to get pregnant in this time so that we can adopt a perfect child for US. A child that we may not consider adopting after we have our own child.

I can't say that I will be very happy with that plan in this moment, because the petty side of me mourns the first pregnancy and first time mom things that I will miss. A shower, being able to be pregnant without taking care of another child, being able to care for a newborn without having to worry about my first child. But I know that God's plan is SO perfect, that all of those things will fade away in time. And those things aren't really important.

Cortrosyn and Sonohystogram

2010-03-30T15:55:00.000-07:00

The tests went well today!

I had the Cortrosyn Stimulation this morning at 9am. I ended up not doing the 2 hour Glucose test because the nurse at the REs office recommended that I not. She didn't want the results to be skewed since I was supposed to fast.

The Cortrosyn Stimulation wasn't so bad. It was annoying to not be able to move my left arm, but the actual test was completely painless. Plus the lady was REALLY nice and I got to read my book for an hour :)

After that I had lunch with Paul and we went shopping at a couple thrift stores :) I found a pretty cute dress so that was fun.

I had my Sonohystogram at 3:45. I ended up waiting for over an hour since the RE was tied up with another patient, but I didn't mind since they had to squeeze me in to begin with.

Sidenote- I was way excited that they had a real sheet instead of the stupid paper ones that always rip. It was nice to stay covered without worrying about ripping it LOL

Overall the test went well. The pain was tolerable and the worst part was the speculum going in.

A quick explanation of the test: Dr. F did a vaginal ultrasound first to check my uterus. Then she inserted a catheter to push fluid into my uterus and then my fallopian tubes.

Everything was clear, although the lining of my uterus was apparently thick. It was really cool to see my uterus up there!

The Drs kept asking me if I was ok, and then informed me that I must have a high pain tolerance because I wasn't in any pain, just uncomfortable. But since I know my pain tolerance ISN'T very high, I am going to assume that I am just super lucky and that's why I wasn't in pain.

I'm going to get the 2 hr Glucose test this week and I have a follow up appointment with Dr. F in two weeks. YEAY!!

12 hour fast

2010-03-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

My 12 hour fast starts tonight at 9PM.

I have my cortisone stimulation test at 9AM, then I am heading over for my two hour glucose test. After that DH is going to take me to have a BIG lunch, because by that point I will be starving.

Then I get to go to the REs office for the sonohysterography.

Holy busy day.

But I'm planning to take my laptop, and my books. So I will be plenty entertained. And I have a midterm to study for.

In other news, I am throwing a baby shower on Saturday and while I'm excited for it (I LOVE planning parties) it's stressing me out a bit. But it will be fun!

Cortrosyn Stimulation

2010-03-27T17:49:00.000-07:00

That is the first test I have on Tuesday.

It just so happened that EVERYTHING fell on Tuesday. I was supposed to have my annual GYN appointment at 9:30. But since the other test is at 9, I will have to reschedule that.

I also have my sonohysterography on Tuesday. They could ONLY schedule it for Tuesday at 3:45. I was supposed to have a midterm from 2-4. But thankfully I have an understanding professor who is letting me take it during another one of his classes on Wednesday.

All in all Tuesday isn't going to be a fun day for me. I get to be poked and prodded and poked some more! But this is all to get some answers, which I'm happy for.

In other news- an 18 year old I know is pregnant. I don't see her often, and just found out. She is about 26 weeks along.

She is a girl I used to babysit for and I used to go to church with her grandmother. Her mom got PG with her when she was 18 as well.

I was pretty upset last night. Just when I think I am doing well, something like this hits me.

Ugh. In case anyone missed the memo- IF SUCKS.

And she's here

2010-03-23T06:23:00.000-07:00

AF arrived this morning. I'm only 11 DPO which makes me think luteal phase defect.

I had my hopes up too much with that crazy test, so I'm a little more disappointed than I expected this morning. We weren't even technically trying this cycle.

But- I have the best mood booster about 90 minutes away.

My cousin/BFF is unexpectedly coming into town and will be staying with me for about 5 days. This includes her adorable daughter and my godddaughter Leah. So I am excited about that. I have missed both of them SO much and it's a much needed visit.

And honestly, my mood has been 1000x better in the last week. I don't think it has anything to do with the RE appointment, or anything else, but my depression seems to have lifted, even if just a bit. I feel great. And that means a lot for me!

Sooo... I have been super confused

2010-03-20T20:24:00.000-07:00

and a bit ashamed the last couple days.

On Wednesday I was dumb and took a PG test. I KNEW I wasn't PG. But my boobs were hurting and since I never actually TOOK one last cycle, the wild crazy theories were going through my head and I needed to silence them.

And this is what I saw.

For those who aren't as crazy as me... I saw a VERY (I can't say VERY enough) slight line.

Now, I knew that at that point FF said I was only 5DPO, but I missed a day in there, and it's possible that I Oed a few days earlier.

After obsessing with my friend Shannon, (the ONLY person I told because she has been in the trenches and understood my neuroses) I picked up some digital tests to take the next morning.

Thursday morning (at 5 am before DH went to work) the digital was negative. I then obsessed some more and picked up some pink dye FRER tests. BFN

And again this morning, because again- I'm crazy- BFN.

So I have decided that it was a fluke... and I hate it.

FYI- this pic was taken about 3 minutes after I took the test. So NOT an evap line.

So yeah.... you wouldn't want to be in my head right now. It's not a good place to be.

Great Appt!

2010-03-17T07:36:00.000-07:00

As I posted yesterday, I was in a FANTASTIC mood!

The appointment went VERY well! The doctors were great, and they were very good at explaining things.
The short version is that we are doing more testing, and I am going back to talk to them once we get the results back from those tests.

There are two doctors in the practice and they were SO awesome. The first- Dr W- came in and was GREAT. He was really funny, which was a great nerve calmer for Paul and I, who can't get through two sentences without one of us cracking a joke. He went over EVERYTHING and asked us a ton of questions. He laughed at Paul's honesty about my depression, and told me it was a good thing I am so OCD about my charting and my cycles.

The RE told DH that his SA results aren't as bad as DH thought. He also said that we still could have a chance of getting PG on our own, but between the "eh" SA and my PCOS, it would take a lot longer.

After he talked to us, he went to talk to the other doctor- Dr F. She was awesome as well. She immediately started joking with us as well and she was very straightforward. They discussed a full battery of tests that they wanted both Paul and I to do. They suggested another SA, for DH. And they suggested some bloodwork and a glucose test for me.

One of my concerns was the cost of all the tests as well as any other procedures we decide to do. Since we only have 50% coverage, the rest of that has to come out of pocket. So they nixed the SA, since we JUST did the last one last week. And a couple other tests. The tests that we ARE doing can be coded for general health so it should be 100% covered! It was AWESOME because they didn't question me or even think twice before changing it so it was easier on us.

They are doing several tests on me, a Sonoshysterography. That sounds like it's very similar to a HSG.
They are doing another blood panel to check my FSH and LSH levels. And they are doing another test that I can't remember the name of it now... I want to say it was a "stims" test. But that might be my brain making things up. For that one, I have to wait for someone to call me in the next week, so I will know more soon.
They are also doing a 2 hour glucose test. Contrary to what my first doctor said, my insulin levels WERE high. They want to do the bloodwork and the glucose test to see if it really is PCOS or if it's another problem that tends to present like PCOS. Something with the adrenal glands I think....

After the appointment I felt like my head was going to EXPLODE, and I still feel like I don't really remember anything that was said. But I am feeling VERY comforted.

Paul is pretty happy with the appointment, and said he felt like he was more informed, which was a good thing. He likes the doctors as well.

Have you ever had one of those days...

2010-03-16T07:06:00.000-07:00

Where you could feel God working in every little thing?

I swear it feels like God truly organized this appointment for us today. Not only was there a sudden cancellation, on a day that DH could actually go. I could be there, and now- when it usually takes up to a week to get records transferred, I have BOTH of my OBs faxing my records to the RE.

I am in an amazing mood because of this and I hope it lasts all day!!

I ovulated!!

2010-03-15T12:55:00.000-07:00

All by myself!!!

Not that it really makes a difference as far as a pregnancy goes, but I'm super excited that my body did something on it's own!!

Granted, I'm on the Met, and I'm assuming that is the reason I did ovulate, but I wasn't on Clomid!

We have had a busy day, helping a friend move in exchange for two really cool china cabinets. I'm excited to put them in the new house, but for now they are in a storage unit until we move.

On our way to our friends house I called the REs office since I didn't get the referral paperwork until Friday night. After a very confusing phone conversation with Paul trying to input his thoughts and confusing me, we set up an appointment for April 13th. The receptionist told me that they had an appointment for 12:30 tomorrow, but I didn't think we would be able to make it because of Paul's crazy schedule these days. He works on what they call "E-Board". Basically he fills in for whoever calls off sick, breaks down etc. So his lunches and his start/end times vary from day to day.

Well this week he has a set schedule and is working what they call a "split shift". I didn't realize this until we were on our way home about an hour ago. We started talking about it and I said that if that was the case, I can probably schedule something for this week. And I mentioned the 12:30 cancellation they had tomorrow.

So guess what? We have our very first RE appointment tomorrow at 12:30!!!

I SO wasn't expecting it to happen this fast, and while I'm excited- I'm a little apprehensive now because it's a different situation than I thought it was. Since we didn't originally plan to do any ART, our options are limited depending on what the RE thinks of Paul's SA results.

And yes, I am reconsidering IUI. We had talked about it and about the costs involved for us, and decided against it. But IUI might be our best bet!! And I'm scared of the concept of saying "NO" to any treatment right now. I know that IVF is just way out of our budget, but I'm back to possibly considering IUI.

All in all, I'm excited to see what the RE has to say about my PCOS coupled with Paul's low sperm count.

And seriously, I know that it's a slim chance that I am PG right now because of the sperm count, but I am SO HAPPY that my body finally did something right. I feel like a lot less of a failure, but I don't feel like I can say that to Paul.... I don't think it would make him feel better about the whole situation.

Anger

2010-03-12T20:28:00.000-08:00

That's what I'm feeling right now. And disappointment. And just an overall feeling of STUCK. We can't get pregnant right now, and it will take a while to get into the RE. Ok fine.

We can't start the foster process right now because we are in a house that we won't be living in in 6 months. I hate this house right now. I want out. But we need it to sell first.

Today I just lost it. I screamed at the house (after finding a bug in the bathroom, like that wouldn't happen ever at any other house LOL) and just wanted to move NOW. I want to be back in the town we are moving to. I want to be in the house that we will be in when we have kids, wherever that may be. I want to NOT be stuck in limbo where I can't fix anything but I can't change anything either. I want to NOT want to scream at everything and cry at even more. I want to NOT have to deal with this.

It's not fair. NOT FAIR.

I think that should be the official slogan for IF. It's NOT FAIR.

Why can stupid 16 year olds get pregnant when they don't deserve it?

I need to say that my husband is awesome. He is my rock, truly and completely. Tonight he just held me while I completely lost it. And he was my voice of reason and calm. How he is so strong about this I have NO idea. He is just awesome.

I need to stop ranting and go to bed. But I'm angry, and hurt, and a bunch of other emotions that I can't even put into words.

Full SA results

2010-03-12T09:46:00.000-08:00

After my confusing conversation with the doctor yesterday, and after doing some of my own research coupled with chatting with a few IF friends- I asked the Dr for the full SA results.

Here is what I've got... and I'm still trying to interpret it right now.
This is what it looks like on the sheet I was given.

	In Range	Out of Range
Collected	1214
Received	1235
Examine	1240
Appearance	Normal
Volume, Seminal Fld		1.7 L
Viscosity, Seminal Fld.	HIGH
Active	70
Sluggish	10
Non-Motile	20
Forward Progression	80
Normal		8 L
Total Abnormal		92 H
Bacteria	None Seen
WBC, Seminal Fluid	Moderate
RBC, Seminal Fluid	None Seen
Epithelial Cells	None Seen
Count/mL [Semen]		16.6 L
Total Count/Volume		28.20 L

I'm interpreting this to mean that his actual count is 16.6. Which makes more sense considering my Dr's opinion on the results.

Either way, I can't wait to see the RE now. I just want to get this all sorted out. I'm done with the "break" from TTC and now I want to fix it.

Story of my life LOL

SA Results

2010-03-11T06:27:00.000-08:00

My doctor just called.

Sperm count is low-28 million.
I don't know what that means, so I'm off to Google. DH is pretty upset, but is at work so we can't really talk about it.

What a great way to start the day.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What a freaking day.

So in all my research I can't figure out what the 28 Million means. Dr C said that "they" like to see 80 million, and that DH only had 28 million. But everything I have seen says 40 million or 20 million is the norm.

Could it BE anymore confusing? WHY do they have to have multiple units of measure for this kind of thing?

I am so frustrated and angry. Not at DH, which is good. But where else can that anger go? At God? Well I've done that before, and it wasn't good. The Doctor? No, because this is an answer that we needed.

This verse reminds me that I should praise him for the trials we go through.

James 1:2-3
² My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, ³ knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.

Joy? That's not exactly what I am feeling. I need to calm down.

I have grocery shopping to do which means I will be seeing my grandma today. That's probably a good thing. She is very good at making me feel better. And I can't stay in this house or I will go crazy today.

I WILL be a Mom

2010-03-10T11:32:00.000-08:00

I have Joshua today, and it's been a fun day. I always enjoy my days with him because I feel like I have more purpose. I also get more accomplished because I can't sit and watch TV.

We were having lunch, and I swear, everything he does is cute. I can't help but laugh at him when he eats. And it hurts a little because this is what I want EVERY day. And I feel like it's never going to happen. But I know that God has a plan. I trust that I will be a Mom someday. Whether it's a child that is biologically ours or one that we were blessed with through adoption, I know that God will bless us with a child.

The problems for me come in when I try to tell God HOW to bless us with a child. I am one of those Christians who thinks that God HAS to have a sense of humor. I have this image in my head of God's reaction when we tell him what WE think he should do in our lives. It's generally the reaction my husband has when I ask him to do something outrageous. He looks at me with a blank face, and then busts out laughing.

And really, that's what God SHOULD do when we try to take over the plans! Who am I to tell GOD what is best. I know NOTHING compared to him.

I try to remind myself of this when my control-freak nature surfaces. I'm not always successful, but I try.

A cup, a gallbladder, and a referral

2010-03-08T18:44:00.000-08:00

In no particular order ;)

DH had his SA today and I had to visit my PCP for a referral to the RE. I also needed to talk to her about my horrible heartburn in the last six months. It's gotten out of hand to the point that I can only eat bland foods or I am in pain all day.

We had to go to the hospital lab for the SA and it wasn't at all what I was expecting. After being sent to two different places, and getting lost trying to get to the lab from the first office, DH was ushered into a small procedure room. Since this room is used for more blood draws than anything else, there wasn't any "material".
The whole thing was very awkward and just.... clinical I guess. I don't know what I was expecting...

I had to hurry to get to my PCP, which was about 30 minutes from the hospital.

Once I got in I talked to her about the referral. She knows my OB very well and didn't question my request for one, and didn't even ask any questions.

Then I asked her about my heartburn, just expecting her to prescribe some type of acid reflux medication. She asked me a bunch of questions and prescribed a medicine, but then also mentioned that it might be a gallbladder problem.

Apparently, I'm just falling apart. I'm supposed to take the meds for a few weeks and if I am still having problems she wants to do an ultrasound to see if everything is OK with my gallbladder.

Seriously, is there any reason that my body hates me this year?

Also, DH has been a bear for the last couple of days. He is apparently freaking out about the SA results and instead of talking about it, he is cranky and sulky. We were talking on the way to the hospital and I swear his feelings could have come straight from my head. I told him that even though I wouldn't wish that kind of overthinking on ANYONE, it was nice to know that he REALLY understood now what my mind has been like for the last 11 months.

We should have the results within a few days, and my PCP said she could get me the referral in a few days as well. We are moving forward! YEAY!

Update and explanation

2010-03-06T21:06:00.000-08:00

Baby Luke hasn't improved much, but it's been more than 24 hours since I posted my last post and he is still fighting. PRAISE GOD!

Luke has been in the hospital for three weeks at first for Pneumonia and then for an additional infection. Yesterday morning (well Friday morning since it is now Sunday) his lung collapsed and he had to have a tube put in. Then they had to put another one it. It was at that point that they said he probably wouldn't make it through the night because the measures they were taking were not working.

After our church and everyone we could possibly ask has been praying for him all night, he seems to be holding on quite well.

His blood oxygen levels and a couple other numbers were up which is a good thing, and that is the last I have heard.

I ended up still going on the trip, and I am posting this in my hotel room with H in the next bed. She and I are ready to pass out, but are watching a bit of TV right now trying to wind down.

This conference has been absolutely amazing and exactly what I needed. I think it has helped H deal with everything that is going on as well.

I have an interesting story to share but I am far too tired right now to actually type it out. So I'll save it for later.

Thank you to everyone that has prayed for Baby Luke, and please continue to do so. He is far from out of the woods at this point.

PLEASE PRAY

2010-03-05T17:17:00.000-08:00

My trip has been apparently cancelled. I can't get into all the details right now. But please pray.

H- the teen I was taking to the conference, has a baby nephew. His name is Luke and he is only 2.5 months old. He has been in the hospital for 3 weeks right now and the doctors have told the family that they don't think he will make it through the night. His poor little body is just so little and it apparently can't fight anymore.

Please pray for Baby Luke and his family. I can't imagine the pain his mother is going through. I am feeling helpless and all I can do right now is pray and ask for prayers.

Thank you.

Metformin

2010-03-04T19:29:00.000-08:00

So I have been on Metformin for about 4 months now, and I am still dealing with the not so fun side effects. But I am also realizing that is has helped me to lose 10+ lbs without even trying. Now a part of that was a week that I had strep throat and could only eat applesauce and mashed potatoes LOL.

But I have resigned (for the 80th time this year) that I am going to work out every day. I love my Wii Fit Plus and I really enjoy working out. Right now I am keeping it simple, and I just use the calorie goal on the Wii Fit. I love it. Boxing is super fun and burns calories easily :)

Aside from that I can tell that I feel better. I don't know what I am expecting for this cycle. I want to believe that being on Met for the last few months could make me have a cycle on my own. But then the reality that it just might not happen. So I am back to charting (just to be aware of what's going on) and wondering what is going on with my body. I know it was the right thing to take a break from the Clomid... but right now I feel like we have moved backward.

In other news, I am going away for the weekend. I am an assistant youth leader at our church and this weekend we have a youth leadership conference. It's actually for the teens and I am taking one of them. Our main youth leader has to work this weekend so I said I would. I am really looking forward to it. The teen that I am taking- we will call her H- is special to me. I have been attending this church since I was 9, with about a 6 year break in there. I babysat H when she was a baby, along with her older brothers. She has grown to be such an amazing young woman, and I just love hanging out with her.

I will be back on Sunday afternoon and we aren't going far, but I'm still really looking forward to it. :)

Things I will never understand

2010-03-03T19:27:00.000-08:00

This has little to do with infertility or PCOS, but it's something that bothers me almost weekly.

My family history is confusing at best, and just generally messed up. I have an older half sister, and a younger half brother. We all share the same father, and they share the same mother. My father was having an ongoing affair with their mother while he was married to my mom. My sister is a mere 4 months older than me. My brother is 2.5 years younger than me.

When my sister and I were 5 years old, her mother decided that she didn't want my father around the two of them, and I didn't see her or my brother for a very long time. This was very hard because my sister and I were VERY close, since we were so close in age. My brother was pretty young however, and to this day doesn't remember me at all.

When I was a teenager, my sister and I reconnected and have had a unique relationship since then. She and my brother were adopted when she was 8, and she and my brother do not care to have any type of relationship with my father. I understand that, because although I love my father, it was a sticky situation. But I am still their sister. I am blood. And I have been very grateful to have a relationship with my sister, albeit unusual since we are very different people now.

But my brother has no desire to have anything to do with me or to even KNOW me.

I can't comprehend this. In fact, it kills me. This is my baby brother. I remember him as a baby. I remember loving on him and giving him kisses and just being protective of him. And he doesn't want to know me.

About 6 months ago I ran into him and his older sister (not my sister, but an additional sibling that I am still in contact with- I told you it was a crazy story!) and he didn't recognize me at all. After the encounter I contacted the sister and told her that I understand that he doesn't want to know me, but I wanted him to know that my door was always open and I would love to get to know him.

And nothing. When I talked to my sister months later I learned a bit more but the bottom line is my brother has no desire to know me at all.

I have tried to come to terms with this but I just can't get over it. I happen to think I'm pretty awesome. And I know he doesn't remember me, but shouldn't he want to know ME just by the simple fact that we share DNA?

I have a bad habit of watching the show "The Locator". It's a great show, and I often enjoy watching them. But occasionally the stories revolve around siblings. And in tonight's episode, it's a younger brother crying because he wants to know his sister.

And I get upset. Because I can't understand. I want to know WHY. I don't want to push him, because that obviously won't accomplish anything. But I would like to know what about the thought of knowing me is so horrible. I don't intend to push my father on him, as I have proved in my relationship with my sister. And even though he hates my father- I have NOTHING to do with what happened back then. I was just a kid too. I was caught in the middle too.

I so desperately want to get to know my baby brother, and he doesn't want to know me. That's the bottom line. Maybe one day he will change his mind, but I can't count on that. So I just keep trying to deal with it, and occasionally feel the need to cry and rant about it. Because family is all that matters to me. And I just can't wrap my brain around not wanting to get to know a member of my family.

Doctor's Appointment

2010-03-02T08:46:00.000-08:00

I just got back from an appointment with my OB/GYN. I have been working with her on the treatment, and I needed to see her after the insanity that was last month.

I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to even be in her office. Every woman in the waiting room was PG, and then when I was finally moved back to a room, I heard the dopplers on the PG women and heard baby heartbeats!

At that point I lost it. I was glad to be alone. But I have been dealing with the reality that I might never be pregnant. It might not happen. And I realized in that moment that I couldn't be in her office every month. It's just too much. I REALLY like her and she has been wonderful, but she is still an OB and that makes it hard.

By the time she came into the room, I had decided that I was going to ask for a referral to a RE. But I didn't get a chance. She suggested it after I told her about my problems with Clomid this last cycle.

Unfortunately she can't give me a referral, I have to talk to my PCP (I hate Blue Care Network) but she did give me a couple of recommendations.

She also gave me a script for a SA for DH. We are going to go next week and the results will be sent to her. Once that is done, we will go to the RE.

Overall I am very numb about all of this. I want to be excited because we are moving on to another phase of treatment and this might mean a solution, and eventually a positive pregnancy test. But at the same time, I am done getting my hopes up. It's a very real possibility that we will be moving on to Foster care in the very near future and I am starting to feel that it really is God's plan for us. I still want to exhaust our options, but every day I feel God leading me in that direction.

I am afraid of moving on to adoption/foster care and what that means. It means I will be saying that I am OK with never being pregnant. Because that might happen. It means taking on the extra struggles that come with foster children. I do believe that Paul and I can handle it, but I need to come to terms with it first.

Mothers

2010-02-26T19:51:00.000-08:00

Why is it that the ONE person in the world that can make me doubt everything about myself is my mother? I was answering a question she had about TTC/PCOS and it turned into a bit of a rant about why I wished my Doctor would have mentioned PCOS to me at 15 when I was put on BCP for cysts and irregular cycles. I also had dark facial hair and was a bit overweight, especially in the belly BTW.

I won't go into all the details, but my Mother apparently thinks that I would not have take anything the doctor said into consideration no matter what happened.

Now, I disagree. I think that at 15 it would have been nice to know that the facial hair I had and the abnormally long and dark arm hair were because of a horomonal imbalance. Because seriously, I was teased because of those things. Not that the teasing would have stopped, but at least I would have been able to make the person teasing me feel a little bit bad. Or at least make myself feel better.

And maybe I wouldn't have cared or listened to anything the doctor said, but ya know- as my mother, she should be a little angry that this wasn't presented before as well. And I know the reasons it wasn't, but I wish my doctor would have at least mentioned it as a possibility to keep in mind in the future.

All in all, my mom has been great through the whole process of TTC. She had a very hard time getting PG with me and only did after an HSG. In fact, for the first six months of TTC, she kept telling me to get the "dye test" because she is convinced that's why she got PG.

After about the 8th time of explaining to her that it didn't matter if my tubes were open if I wasn't ovulating, she finally shut up LOL.

And maybe I'm just a little sensitive right now, but I'm frustrated. :(

Thank you for all your support

2010-02-25T19:56:00.000-08:00

It's been a bad couple of days, as you can clearly see from my post yesterday. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. And you'd think I would be used to that at this point.

Today was a pretty good day as days go for me. I skipped school, which is BAD, since I need to do well this semester. I wasn't planning on it, but when it came time to leave- I just couldn't. Just when I think I have a handle on this depression, it kicks me in the butt again. Leaving my house causes anxiety. And there are some things that I have to face the anxiety for, and those things change daily. Most of the time, the list is my grandmother, my nephews, church and school. And usually my BFFs. Some days that it limited to just my grandmother or my nephews. And even then, sometimes I put it off. Things like getting an oil change and going to the bank somehow always get put off. I finally deposited my student loan check that has been sitting in my van for two weeks now....

The good parts included finishing two and a half loads of laundry, finishing my menu for the week and going grocery shopping. I also deposited the check as mentioned above, but only because I was already out. And the best part of the day was spending it with my nephew Joshua. I am seriously in love with this kid. He is at that age (13 mo) where it seems that EVERYTHING he does is cute. He walks cute, he eats cute (albeit messy), he talks cute etc. And he and I are BFFs. Here is a cute pic of my favorite guy in the whole world (sorry honey, he trumps you)

As you can imagine, one evening with this guy and suddenly the world seems brighter.

And after DH took him home, I realized once again how much I love this kid. And I thought about how it will feel different than the love I will have when/if I have a baby. And then I thought about the teens in my youth group, who I love very much as well. Maybe I'm just meant to love other peoples children. Because trust me, if I could just keep Joshua and get away with it- I would be a happy woman! LOL

Only God knows the plan for my life, but I keep looking for clues as to which way I'm supposed to go. Because honestly- this is getting frustrating. But then again, what about this journey ISN'T frustrating?

I really appreciate all of your supportive comments. I swear I will get better at responding, but right now it's all I can do to try and keep my brain straight.

Screw PCOS

2010-02-24T08:53:00.000-08:00

I have been doing a lot of research about PCOS because I'm considering doing some alternative treatments.

And I came across some links on Soulcysters about the links between PCOS and depression. And ya know, I have been depressed for a LONG time. I've been struggling with it for about 8 years on and off.

It's just ONE more thing on that list of crap that PCOS has screwed up ya know?

AF arrived on my bday, which was Monday. I tried to keep it together so I wouldn't ruin my birthday, but yesterday I just let it hit me and I decided to take a break from TTC for a couple months. This last cycle has been really hard on my body and emotionally too.

I just want to SCREAM right now. My depression has screwed up a bunch of stuff in my life. Granted, I hold a lot of responsibility. But if it wasn't for the depression I probably could have handled things a LOT better in the past.

I am angry about a lot of things, but today is a culmination of my anger at my body. I suppose it's a long time coming since I have been trying to repress it for a couple months now.

I am angry because I have to take a break for my mental sanity. I'm angry because I have had to put my body through all this for what seems to be nothing. I am angry because I'm fat and someone asked me last week if I was pregnant. I am just downright angry.

So yeah- screw PCOS. It sucks.

11 dpo

2010-01-18T15:43:00.000-08:00

I POAS this morning, and it was negative. Blah blah blah, yeah it's early. But I'm expecting AF around 12 or 13dpo. Of course, that is based on last month, which was the ONLY month that I actually ovulated. So... who knows.

I have two more tests so if AF doesn't arrive or my temp doesn't drop by wed, I'll test again.

In other news, I am going to be an auntie to another baby girl! I am excited to have another girl in the family, even if it isn't my baby.

And I'm working on organizing our house. I really should post pictures because the hope is to have a completely new organized house by the summer.

I'm admittedly not a great housekeeper. I hate dishes and cleaning. But I am now hoping to be a SAHM and I'm becoming more and more germaphobic as the days go on, so I need to make it easier on myself.

We are doing a small renovation on our kitchen and putting in laminate hardwood flooring throughout the entire downstairs. This will help me to keep up after the animals, and the required organization before this remodel will help me keep it organized and clean after the remodel (in theory)

So far my Living room looks like a tornado hit it. But two full garbage bags and a box of donations later, and I am on my way! When it's all said and done I will post pictures, but for now I am just gonna get back to work!

It's been a while!!

2010-01-12T19:43:00.000-08:00

A lot of things have changed for me. I have really been working on my depression. I have had two therapy sessions, and I have been working on journaling to deal with most of my feelings.
Then Christmas and NY happened and for about 3 weeks I didn't have time to breathe.

I am on CD28 right now and FF says I Oed on CD22. So I will probably test next week sometime. Maybe next weekend.

I have been working on a purpose for myself. Right now my main purpose is working on our home renovation projects and building my photography business. The two actually blend together because I plan to set up a bare bones studio in our front room. We are replacing the floors in a couple months as well as doing a minor remodel in our kitchen.

We've also made a decision regarding TTC/Adoption. We hadn't really set a timeline on how long we would wait to make the decision to adopt rather than continue the TTC process. I figured it would be significantly sooner than others, because of our views on adoption. DH has been pushing slightly for adoption for quite a while, especially when I was struggling.

Well we had a serious discussion a few nights ago and made a decision. Although I am well aware that I have SO many options available to me at this point, we aren't going to take advantage of all of them right now. We are going to work on becoming foster parents. We want to adopt within the foster system.
Right now we are working on a checklist of things to fix in our house based on some things one of DHs friends told him. These are things that we want to do for our own children as well of course.

We are going to continue TTC and working with the doctor until about May, which is how long it should take to finish all the things we need. If I haven't gotten a BFP by May we are going to stop the fertility treatments in any form. We won't be preventing, but I don't really consider that TTC for me ;).

This isn't about giving up on having a biological child. And we may return to IF treatments later on. But right now we have too much love to give and are willing to take in children who need it. And if that's what God has in store for us, we are open to it. At this point, it is 100% in his hands. Which is what I should have done from the start.

I really feel like I am doing 1000 times better than I was last year and I'm determined to make 2010 a better year. I am working my way out of the black hole of depression, and I'm finally giving our TTC struggles 100% to God. I kept trying to do that before, but it wasn't working very well. It's still a daily struggle, but I'm very at peace with it all.

Updates

2009-12-21T20:44:00.000-08:00

Well AF did in fact arrive. I am now on CD 5 and about to start Clomid again. BUT- I'm pretty happy about it. I have to schedule another Acupuncture appointment and I will be golden.
I truly feel that the acupuncture has made a huge difference with my depression, and now I am convinced it helped me ovulate as well.

I had my first counseling session today, and although it was short (I was 20 min late! WHOOPS!) I feel good about it. I get 5 free sessions with DHs EAP program, and I am seriously considering continuing beyond that. It all depends on how I feel after that.

Christmas seems surreal to me this year. I don't have any of my shopping done, and will have to do some after Christmas (we aren't celebrating with half our family til around New Years) And for some reason, I just don't have the Christmas cheer that I usually have.

Let's hope for another good cycle!

Mind Fetus

2009-12-12T20:41:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine who had been TTC for quite some time coined the term "Mind Fetus". This is the condition that inevitably happens to a woman in the 2WW. Every single twinge, cramp, and breath is evaluated to discern whether or not you are pregnant. And often, you convince yourself that you in fact- ARE finally pregnant.

I have a mind fetus. I need to back away and stop, but I just can't. I have tried to reason with myself, but honestly- I've never been very good at listening to reason- especially from myself.

So I continue to have that internal debate with myself. The planning as if I really am pregnant, and then reminding myself that I might not be. The thinking of all the symptoms that convince me that I am... and then reminding myself that the symptoms of pregnancy are very similar to PMS, much to my annoyance. And of course, let's not forget the internal and forever debate of "To test, or not to test". This one I have failed miserably. As of right now I'm 8dpo, and I've already tested twice.

Again- I know LOGICALLY that the likelyhood of getting a positive is very small, but see... my self just doesn't want to listen. And often, self has a few choice words for me when I try to remind her of this. So I give in.

I am almost happy that I haven't had to deal with a 2ww before, I might have gone completely insane. Because having this many arguments with yourself isn't healthy!!!

Acupuncture and Ovulation!!!!

2009-12-07T17:24:00.000-08:00

I had my second acupuncture appointment on Friday. It was very different from before and I think I am good with that.

I discovered that the insertion of the needles hurts less if I am not watching her and close my eyes. I was MUCH more relaxed this time and I was in there for the full 45 minutes but it felt like it flew by.

I fell like the depression is definitely slowly lifting, but I am still trying to stay cautiously optimistic.

BUT- the SUPER good news is that I OVULATED!!!!

I am a little upset with myself because we did not plan the sexins as good as we could have and ended up only BD on day of O and about 4 days before. SO- I am trying not to be too hopeful for this cycle but it's not working very well.

Either way I am truly giddy that I have FINALLY managed to make my body work at least a little bit right.

I called my doctor to set up an appointment for next week- per her request. My appointment will be on 13dpo. I am going to try and wait until then and talk to her- we shall see how that goes ;)

In other news I have been dealing with TONS of family drama. My cousin- who I am very close to and whose two kids are my favorite kids ever- has broken up with her idiot BF and is constantly freaking out.
Now she is usually a grade A basketcase- but this week has been worse. And in hopes of making life easier for my nephews- I do a LOT to help her. But it's making me stress out.

And to top it off, my estranged sister walked back into my life this week. She and I did not really grow up together. We share the same father, but separate mothers- and we are only 4 months apart (Hello! Scandal!! LOL) and when we were 5 we were no longer allowed to see each other.

We kept in touch sparsely over the years and more often after high school. But before I got married she stopped speaking to me. I blame it on the daddy issues from my wedding. She thinks that our dad chose me and not her. It's a whole lotta drama.

Anyway- I saw her at a restaurant I frequent and we are having lunch tomorrow. She suggested it and I have hopes that she has grown up a bit and is ready to have a relationship with me. And maybe I can establish a relationship with my little brother some day as well.

One day I am really going to have to type out my whole sordid family story. It so SO insane and sometimes I forget that my family IS NOT normal!! LOL

Wish me luck for a BFP!!

Back Pain and New Wii

2009-12-01T21:03:00.000-08:00

I have had some killer back pain since Friday. I gave in and got a massage on Monday. It helped immensely but apparently I have a few discs out of place in my neck and that is what is causing most of my pain. I have had back pain before and dealt with it by taking Ibuprofen for a few days and living on a heating pad. This time I am torn.
On the one hand, I was given a trick that might help, but there is no guarantee and there is still definitely a problem. On the other hand I have a slight distrust of chiropractors. I used to love them but after a few times of suddenly having to go "every week" I had to back away. Add to that the fact that the process of getting into a chiropractor with my insurance is a GIANT pain. I have to get a referral from my PCP, who when I mention back pain throws muscle relaxers and strong pain meds at me.
I think I will try the trick my massage therapist mentioned and if it isn't better in a week start the process to get into a chiro.

In other news, we bought a Wii!! I have wanted one for over a year, and made the decision about 8 months ago to buy one when we had the spare cash. I FINALLY got the money. I had really wanted a Wii Fit as well, to help with the weight loss. I got a GREAT deal during Tday week and most of it came in the mail today. I had to wait around the house all day for UPS to arrive, which was annoying- but I'm SO happy to have it.

I got a Wii Fit plus which is pretty cool. The upgrades are nice because you can set a calorie goal for the day. So I set it to burn 90 calories a day. I can do more of course but once I hit that it tells me and after each exercise tells me how many calories I have burned, and how many I have left.
It also has some fun new games. I loved the Kung Fu one.

I couldn't do as much as I wanted because of my back, but it was still fun.

As far as ovulating goes, I'm pretty much confused as heck. My temp has spiked, then dropped, rinse and repeat. I am getting negative OPKs and definitely no EWCM. So we continue having sex in hopes that it will come soon, but I honestly am so confused. ::shrug::

Ok.... so I might have ovulated

2009-11-29T19:15:00.000-08:00

Warning- This post is full of obsessive rantings. Yes I realize that I can't do anything right now but wait to see what happens, but I'm not so good at that.

Here is my latest chart, in case anyone cares.

I have officially moved into being hopeful and thinking that I might actually get PG this cycle. DH and I got into an indulgent conversation in the car about how we would tell some people.
And I need to stop. Hope isn't bad, hope is good- but I need to reel it in a bit before I start assuming I am already pregnant.

I would like to say that I would be great with just ovulating, but honestly right now I wouldn't be. I'm tired. If I at least ovulate I will be much more encouraged- but I'm tired of this whole process.

I am a horrible control freak. I blame my mother. She is ten times worse than I am. I just want to control MY life for the most part. She wants to control everyone elses ;)

Being such a control freak has made TTC absolute torture for me. I can't control ANYTHING about this. Other than my sex life. And that doesn't do anything towards making a baby. Which doesn't help my control problems.

I am just rambling at this point, but I am hopeful. I'm annoyed that my chart is so confusing, but I can just add that to the long list of annoying things about this process.

I am starting to get discouraged

2009-11-28T21:44:00.000-08:00

This month is feeling very similar to the last failed cycle. I am on CD 16 and so far pretty sure I haven't ovulated and I keep getting negative OPKs. Although when I looked at my chart tonight I realized my temp spiked slightly. I wasn't able to get a temp on Friday since I didn't really SLEEP. I went shopping VERY early and didn't sleep until around 11am and then only for an hour or so. Then I went to be at 9 last night.

I'm not sure what this is. My charts are extremely annoying. And I can feel myself starting to talk myself down. I am trying to keep up a little bit of hope but I'm back to being REALLY angry with my body.

I know that false positive OPKs are common with PCOS- but I can't help but wonder if it affects negative results as well. I'm too tired to look it up. I will tomorrow when I get home from church I suppose.

I truly did have a wonderful thanksgiving and got some decent deals yesterday.

Acupuncture Review

2009-11-24T19:30:00.000-08:00

WARNING- This first part is a bit long and detailed. If you want the short version- scroll down.

This afternoon I had my very first acupuncture appointment. I was very excited albeit nervous about the process. I got there on time, filled out all the paperwork and didn't have to wait very long at all.

The acupuncturist brought me back to an area with a few chairs and we discussed the ailments I had listed on the paperwork. My two focuses were the PCOS (and irregular cycles/anovulation caused by this) and my depression. I had also listed problems with my knees, although I wasn't focused on fixing that particular ailment.

After we discussed all of that she gave me a very brief rundown of what to expect. She then led me into a room with approximately 5 chairs, and a few other things. This was clearly a room used for massage and other treatments. I was led to one of the chairs (which reminded me of a lounge beach chair) and instructed to take off my shoes/socks and place them in the plastic bin under the chair.

After I sat down she asked if I could roll my pant legs up to my knees since she wanted to work on my knee problems during this session. I was able to and she started inserting the needles. She had mentioned that the needles shouldn't hurt after they are in, but they would pinch and sometimes hurt a little when going in.

She started on my ears, telling me that she has had a lot of luck regulating cycles with the ears. She then moved to my left wrist and this was the one that hurt the most. She tapped one of the needles in and then had to insert it a little deeper and it was like a current sort of. Not painful really, but not comfortable. Once it was in however, it did not hurt. She then moved to my knees, and my right wrist, and then back to my other ear.

She had originally mentioned leaving them in for 45 minutes, but after I mentioned my inability to sit still for long, she shortened it to 30 or so.

SHORT REVIEW

Overall the treatment was very relaxing, despite the fact that I couldn't get my mind to STOP. And I still couldn't stop fidgeting but I think I was able to keep it under control enough so that it didn't hinder the process.

She suggested that I come back weekly, and I scheduled another appointment for next week.
I felt like she could have explained some things better, but I think sometimes my "research it all" attitude leads doctors and others to feel that I don't need as much explaining... I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I asked Paul to tell me how he feels it worked as far as the depression goes. I feel better today, but I am cautious to be too optimistic. I could just be in a good mood today, but tomorrow or next week could be worse. I feel lighter, which to those who have been depressed before this should make plenty of sense.

My knees feel fine, but again, I'm just waiting to see longer term results.

I am by no means being skeptical. I am worried that I will end up with a placebo effect that won't last however, so I'm trying to find that balance.

So hopefully in the next few weeks my posts will be much lighter and I will continue to be productive. I have much to do tomorrow and it would be nice to get it all done for a change.

Update of sorts

2009-11-23T21:24:00.000-08:00

Paul has been on vacation this week, and it's been a vacation of sorts for me as well. We laid around, read and did a few house projects. I got through 4 books and thoroughly enjoyed myself. We only fought once in the week, which for us lately is a feat. I think he really needed the break. I don't pretend to think that he is the only one at fault for us fighting, but it sure is easier to NOT fight with someone who isn't snapping at you all the time.

In other news, I am going to my first acupuncture appointment tomorrow morning. I had originally done research on the effects on acupuncture with fertility treatments, and had found glowing reviews. Then I learned a bit about its effects on depression and I was sold. I am getting increasingly excited about this appointment. I'm not getting my hopes up about any help I may receive with this cycle, since I'm about halfway through already, but if she can help with even my depression that would be fantastic.

We had a conversation this evening about TTC. I told him I am considering taking a break if this cycle doesn't work. I just don't want to deal with it all right now. I don't know if I really will, but right now I can't for the life of me remember why we started all this.

This led to a discussion about what we wanted. I have felt for a while like Paul didn't really care about TTC. He has always been VERY pro adoption. I am as well but having a biological child is very important to me. I want to have OUR child. I want to see his smile on a child with my eyes. And I have felt that the doesn't want this as much as I do and he has pushed on more than one occasion to start the adoption process. Tonight I asked him why. Turns out I could have saved myself a whole lot of anxiety. He was under the impression that I was feeling pressure to give him a baby.Or as he put it "to give me a SON" LOL. I am amazed at how much we misunderstand each other sometimes. His enthusiasm was only his way of telling me that it was OK if at any point I don't want to try anymore.
I love that man. Even if he is so very maddening at times.

Seeing Red

2009-11-14T07:15:00.000-08:00

I have never been so happy to see my period in my life. I was so afraid that the progesterone wouldn't work, like last time. But AF arrived yesterday.

So now we start the Clomid and wait.

I have been in the dumps for a few days. Part of this was due to me preparing myself for another postponed cycle, and the other part was running out of my anti-depressants and not having them for 4 days. I hate being so dependent on these. I literally cannot function without them. I can hardly function with them. It's very frustrating.

I have been depressed before, as I've posted about- but somehow this time has been so much worse.

I'm just rambling now. I'm going to head to class and then get ready for my girls night out. I desperately need this. We are doing dinner and a chick flick. I am ridiculously excited. I need some estrogen ;)

A few updates

2009-11-03T18:40:00.000-08:00

I have a few random thoughts that really don't make a coherent post... so here we go.

First of all, I will be getting baptized for the first time on Sunday. It came up rather quickly and my husband and I will be doing it together. I have appreciated the comments about faith. I have been doing a bit better, and I think the new doctor has helped me feel better about the entire situation and move forward. I am still not in a great place, but God has showed me quite a few lessons in the last few days, and I think this baptism will truly be a renewal for me. Pray for me as I deal with my emotions on the situation this week.

I threw out the Paleolithic diet after starting the Metformin. I hate it- the Met that is. It made me so sick and a friend of mine informed me that following the GI diet helped to ease the side effects from the Met. Shortly after DH became sick of the Paleo diet and decided to stand with me on the GI diet. So I've ordered a book from Amazon and am learning as much as I can online for now. If anyone has any advice or good links I would appreciate it!

As I mentioned, I was having problems with the Metformin. Without going into too much detail I will just say that I didn't eat much of anything on Saturday because my stomach was so unsettled. And I spent plenty of time in the restroom.
I sought out advice from a few friends who have been through this and learned a few tricks. As of today I haven't had any side effects! I'm going to increase my dosage tomorrow in hopes that my body has adapted, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I am really hoping that the Met works, because if I have to go through this for nothing, I won't be happy LOL.

Diet

2009-10-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

I have never been great at managing my weight. I pretty much eat what I want, when I want and I am the equivalent to a bump on a log. But this last week has changed my outlook. Not really for myself, but for DH as well.

A friend of the family passed away this week. She was only 32 and she had a heart attack. I was absolutely shocked. And scared.

My DH has a LONG line of heart problems in his family. Not to mention Diabetes and other health problems. He is forever saying that he will die young. And for the last four years, all I have done is yell at him to not say that. And then file it in my head to deal with "later". Because in my mind- we still had time to worry about it. We are young! He is young!! Well- Beth (the friend that died) was only 5 years older than DH. 5 YEARS!!

This hit me very hard. I realized that we didn't have as long as we thought to work on getting healthy. And I am scared of how my already high weight is going to affect being PG.

So as of today we are starting a Paleolithic diet. It's sort of extreme, but I am excited about it. The idea behind it is a "Hunter and gatherer" diet. Basically only fresh veggies and lean meats. No potatoes, pasta, grains or breads. Among many other things.
The idea is that many foods have toxins, and many many years ago before there was the option of cooking foods- the above foods were considered poisonous. It wasn't until someone discovered that they could cook most of the toxins out of the foods, did we start ingesting them.
But some of the toxins still remain, and they can have many negative affects on our body. We have friends who have been on this diet. They have gotten great results not only in weight loss, but in mind clarity and energy levels.

I am a little scared that I won't be able to stick to it, but I have a low GI diet in my backpocket to stick to if this is too much. The actual diets are similar, so it shouldn't be too hard to mesh them together.

So this blog will be a combination of diet news and TTC news. If you have any questions about the Paleolithic diet- look here.

My Doctors appointment

2009-10-27T11:46:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment this morning with my old OBGYN. I went to her last year before we decided to TTC and I really liked her, but she left her practice and moved to a practice further away from me. I didn't think I wanted to drive that far, and decided to find one closer to me.

I found my previous Dr. We shall call her Dr S. Dr S was ok at first, although I felt a tugging at my gut that she wasn't right for me, I didn't listen. Quite a few things went wrong in the six months I saw her. The biggest was a withholding of test results from my Pap smear. Apparently my Pap from March came back slightly irregular and I wasn't informed until they realized that I had HPV from my bloodwork. Apparently I was supposed to have been told, but there was a miscommunication. Add to that fact the other issues I had with her regarding my diagnosis and treatment, and I very swiftly decided to leave her practice.

So I made an appointment with this practice-with my old Dr- we shall call her Dr C- three weeks ago. It was killing me to wait this long, but I really wanted to go to HER.

We ended up having to wait a total of 2 hours because she had a birth this morning. But I wanted to see her and not a midwife, so we ran some errands nearby. It ended up not being that bad. And it was worth the wait.

She recognized both my name and face from almost two years ago and was very happy to see me. I went over ALL the information and the last seven months of TTC. She was very understanding and listened until I got it all out. She told me it sounded to her that I DID have PCOS- but she would have to confirm with the bloodwork. Dr S never gave me a straight answer and that had become a problem. This was the diagnosis that made the most sense, because I have all of the main symptoms, but I'm not a doctor.

Dr C prescribed Metformin and Clomid for this cycle. She said she has seen better results with PCOS and Metformin which made me REALLY happy. She also gave me Provera to induce a period so we can start this cycle.

And the cherry on top was the fact that she asked me about my IF coverage and listed the appointment under irregular cycles instead of IF consult so my insurance would cover it 100%.

All in all I am very pleased and feel rejuvenated about TTC. I also think my husband was VERY happy when we were ordered to have sex every other day once we feel that I am ovulating/will ovulate. What man wouldn't!

Vacation

2009-10-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure that many people would understand that spending six days with a toddler really is relaxing. It helps that the toddler is possibly the easiest kid on earth, but I am more clear and relaxed than I have been in a long time.

I struggle with depression and have for a long time. The last year and a half I have been on anti depressants to manage that. It worked for a while but with the complete disaster that my life has been, I am still in a bad place most days. I had a plan for my life. School, career THEN kids. Well my career was tanked, and while that wasn't really my main priority- it was my focus at least for the next five years. And when I lost not one but TWO great jobs in 6 months, I was confused. I AM confused. Then when I changed my focus to having kids, it was a little better, but I couldn't focus THAT much on getting pregnant when my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to.

So for the last few months I have really struggled. Combine my depression with the multiple pregnancy announcements (6 in less than a month and two of those were accidents) I plunged pretty deep. I was pulling myself out of it a little when I headed to VA. I wasn't functioning well on a day to day basis, but at least I was leaving the house. And often.

And now I have spent 6 days mostly alone. While I love Leah, she isn't much for conversation. I have been able to lose myself in a good book, relax and pretty much be alone with my thoughts. Yeah, I have a kid to take care of and hang out with, but she really is easy. We read books together, giggle and watch some TV. It's probably not the most stimulating for a toddler, but I'm auntie- I get to spoil her ;)

And after the six days my head is a little clearer. I still don't know what my focus is, but I know that I can and WILL pull myself out of this. Maybe that should be my focus. My antidepressants at this point are keeping me breathing, but that's about it. I can't imagine what kind of state I would be in without them.

When I go home, I am hoping to appreciate my hubby more, appreciate my life more and get myself back on track.... I'm not really sure WHAT track, but functioning on a day to day basis has to be a good place to start.

Airports

2009-10-17T16:17:00.000-07:00

So I left this afternoon to head to Virginia to babysit for my Goddaughter. Leah is 20 months old and the most awesome kid in the world. Really- don't tell me how awesome your kid is, because Leah is the smartest, funniest, cutest kid EVER in my eyes. There is no comparing. My cousin Lisa, who is my BFF- finally gave in and decided to take a vacation with her husband. They leave tomorrow night for a 6 day cruise. And I am taking care of Leah that entire time

I will admit it. I am terrified. Terrified that I am not as good with kids as I think. Terrified that she will hate me, even though she has loved me every other time she has seen me. I'm terrified that I'm gonna come home and not want kids anymore (come on, she might be awesome, but she is still a Toddler)

So for the last week I have been focusing on that. And I was supposed to get into Newport News at exactly 6:55pm. We were going to have dinner and then I was going to do Leah's bedtime routine to try and get her (and ME) used to what is going to happen for the next week.

And then Air Tran Airways completely screwed that up. My flight out of Detroit was supposed to leave at 2:54pm. I think we ended up leaving at around 3:30. And guess what happened? I missed my second flight. So here I sit- in Atlanta. Waiting for my 9pm flight. I am going to miss bedtime, and the dinner I was looking forward to with my BFF.

And instead, I am sitting in the airport lonely and watching families and pregnant women everywhere. I used to think that pregnant women followed me. Or maybe that God was taunting me with them. It seemed that everywhere I looked, someone near me was pregnant. Now I think it's more about me and who I notice.

I have always been a people watcher. I love to watch people, and figure out their story. Most times I compare myself to them. I should do my hair like that. I wish I was better dressed. You get the story. I feel like my eye searches for families and pregnant women. I love to watch kids, and now I love to watch pregnant women. Just to see how they act, if I think they are grateful for the life growing inside of them.

I have exactly 1 hour and 45 minutes left in Atlanta. I need someone to entertain me. Clearly you see what happens when I am left alone with my thoughts. I tend to ramble.