New post on new blog

I wrote a pretty vulnerable post today on my new blog.

Check it out HERE!

Update on the new blog

Check it out here!

New Blog

I feel that this blog has run it's course. It was extremely valuable to me during the days of TTC, and now our family has taken a very different turn. 

I've started a new blog to chronicle that journey. Come find us at heartforfoster.blogspot.com. I feel that a new blog for a new direction is important. It will primarily be about my journey in foster care and adoption. 

Thank you all for all the support you have offered me! 

Yet another "it's been a while post"

For me, blogging is something I do when I'm down. I pulled up the blog last week to write because I had been super depressed, and I needed to get through my feelings about life. But then something happened (that something likely involved the toddler) and I never wrote the post. I never allowed myself to heal from whatever it was that I needed to get out.

And then yesterday we got a call. Yes- one of THOSE calls. The call that I told my CW NOT to call me with anymore. Because I'm a sucker. And I want to help everyone. The last call we got, I had to say no. We were moving in a WEEK, and we just weren't equipped. And that was OK, because I didn't know at the time that we had a big ole storm headed our way. That is a post for another day, but it's been one hell of a year so far. 

So when my adorable CW started out the phone call with "So, I have this situation....", my brain had already said No. But then she started talking, and I was intrigued, and I couldn't get the situation out of my head.

D & R are 12 year old twins. (I really need some creative nicknames, I'll try to come up with something next week) D is an active boy, who loves sports of all kinds. We will have to forgive the fact that he is a Michigan State fan ;).

R is a vibrant and active girl who is just adorable. She is artistic and has a beautiful voice, and captured my heart from moment one. 

See here's the thing. I have 3 kids already. 5, 4 and almost 2. And they are a HANDFUL. I knew that I couldn't handle any more little ones. But our age range says "0-5". And I was adamant about that. What in the WORLD could I possibly know about raising a tween? 

Nothing.

No really, NOTHING. I was a pretty good kid. I never rebelled. I wasn't into drugs, I had a model childhood. What am *I* going to have in me, that can help a tween in foster care?

I still haven't figured that part out, but I know God has found a home for them. They belong here, at least for now. 

So when my CW said that she was looking for a home for twins, I thought "OH NO". I thought she meant young twins. And when she said twelve, my world shifted. I could handle 12. It would be hard, but it wouldn't ADD to my current issues. Because I'm pretty sure they are already potty trained, and they should be past the point of throwing themselves on the ground because they don't like my choice of dinner.

Things have been insane around here, and I need a BREAK. So WHY in the world would I accept MORE kids, when I've been saying for weeks that I just need to get AWAY? Because I'm certifiably insane. 

So I called my husband, and we hemmed and hawed, and we went to our PRIDE training that night, and decided to do it.

They will be moving in tomorrow around 1. They have two other siblings in Foster Care, one of which is placed with a friend of ours. The twins are currently staying with her, but she can't keep them long term. She is absolutely giddy that they are coming here, and I have to agree with her.

So many things had to work out *just right* for me to be in the right place to say yes to this. And God arranged it all. He is SO GOOD. I can't praise him enough tonight.

I know that I will struggle, and I will wonder WHY he thinks I am capable of doing this, but I love these kids. They are GOOD KIDS. I don't mean to say that all foster kids are BAD KIDS, because I don't believe that. But this is a case where they have been dealt a crappy hand, and they just keep trying, and pushing. And they have been fortunate to have some great people on their side to fight for them! 

I am so excited to start this new chapter in our lives. We will have FIVE kids as of tomorrow! 

God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.

I've been repeating this to myself for over an hour.

Because today is one of those days when I look at God and say "Are you SURE you got this right? Because it's starting to fall apart, and I don't FEEL like this is right."

I know that we are called to foster. And most days, I know that we have been called to care for J. But today has been rough. Not because of J- although he can be difficult. But he is a 1 year old. And my soon to be 4 year old has given me a run for my money this morning. Maybe it's because she was a foster child. Maybe it's because she is just a strong willed child, but today she has broken my heart. Today I wonder if this was REALLY the right thing to do. Maybe what everyone else says is true. Maybe we shouldn't have taken J. Maybe I've put my children's mental well-being at risk.

She has been SO disprespectful, and SO defiant and SO angry for the last two months. And today she has completely broken me.

I don't know if I really believe all of that, but please keep me in your prayers. Because my heart is breaking today. And it's all semi-normal parenting stuff- but because I foster, I have a thousand other reasons to try and explain the behavior, so I immediately jump to those.

It could simply be that I'm trying to cut out naps for her and she's tired. But all I know is that the last week has been HARD. I've tried EVERYTHING to get her to change her behavior, and it won't work. I'm tired. I'm hurt. And I'm tired of trying. I second guess everything I do. And I worry that I'm going to screw them up for life.

Mommy guilt is killer.

Siblings

It's amusing to see my kids adjust to having Junior around. He is of course 13 months and therefore into everything, and doesn't understand the word NO. Despite the fact that it has become the most used word in our house lately.

They've stopped walking on eggshells around him, and are now fighting with him just as much as they fight with each other. G just yelled at him about a blanket, and just heard from A was "Leave me alone MAN" LOL.

And then there was the moment this morning when G comes in to tell me that the baby is awake, but she didn't want me to come get him because she wanted to play. And they played with him for about a half hour while I got to relax in bed. And listen to them over the monitor. It was adorable.

In other news, Juniors mom is apparently struggling with the reality that it is going to take a long time to get J back. She was thinking she would get him back after 90 days. I'm hoping to make a photo book and write a letter to her to encourage her. I don't want her to stop trying. I think she really does want him back and I hope she will do what is necessary to get to that point. It looks like it's going to be a long road though.

Mommy Guilt

It's a heavy thing. It weighs you down, and you often carry it everywhere.

I suffer from mommy guilt about many things. Having jumped head first into parenting with kids who were already 3 and 4, I'm learning as I go, and I am notorious for comparing myself to other moms. Ya know, the ones who gave birth to their children and have been doing this for 3+ years and have figured out how to manage their schedules with children. Because that seems logical in that moment.

In all reality- my kids watch too much TV, I lose my patience all the time. I spend too much time on the computer/cell phone because I'm stressed out, and I feel guilty because we spend a good amount of time at home, when I would rather be out doing things.

And those articles on parenting websites? They don't help. They make you feel like you are always making the wrong choice. Whether it be about what school to send them to, what carseat to buy, what food to feed them, and how you should arrange your schedule.

Today I choose to believe that my kids won't die from watching TV. That my sanity is important in their lives as well as my own, and that as long as I find a good balance, they will understand and they will get the attention they crave and deserve. I choose to believe that I don't have to be perfect, and that comparing myself to other moms will only lead me to destruction.

Of course, I will probably start the destructive cycle over again tomorrow, because every good mom I know suffers from Mommy guilt. But today, I'm giving myself a pass. And you too!

Lord, please help me to find balance in my life and not feel guilt when there is no need to. I thank you for all of my beautiful children, and I pray that you help me to do what is best for them, no matter what the circumstance.

Ok- I have a confession to make

I can't do it all.

No really- I can't.

And in case you weren't aware- foster care is HARD. I'm having a rather hard few days because of these two things.

So many people told me that I shouldn't accept a placement right now. For a variety of reasons. But when I tried to tell God that I wasn't going to accept a placement, he laughed. And now we have J. I don't regret this. I believe that this is God's plan. But because so many people told me that I shouldn't do this- I had it in my mind that I had to don my cape and do this PERFECT. Because ya know- I was going to show em all.

And about 4 days in- I had a nervous breakdown. Because this adorable little child is a tornado in my home. The laundry isn't done, the dishes aren't done, and the house is a mess. And my kids? Well they are driving me crazy because (understandably so) they are reverting back to one year olds and making things more difficult. Is anyone surprised by these things? I'm not. But somehow- I thought that I was going to overcome all of that and suddenly be supermom.

So- a few days ago- I decided that my house was clean (MESSY- but not DIRTY- a distinction I've decided is key) and that I was doing my best. And things have been a little better.

But my kids still test my patience. I feel like no matter HOW MUCH extra attention I give to my daughter- it isn't enough for her. Which makes me feel like I'm not enough for her. And I start to question my every move. Should I have called her into my bedroom while I was doing my devotions? Even though I begged everyone for 15 minutes to myself so I could calm down? Am I being selfish? Am I asking my kids for too much help? Should I stop putting my two oldest down for quiet times so I can take that time to spend with them? Will it help?

Etc. The endless commentary that is going through my brain and second guessing everything.

I REALIZE that at this point, nothing I can do is good enough for my daughter in her mind. All I can do is try to show her that I love her and nothing is going to change that. And pray with all that I have that she remembers this time with fondness instead of bitterness. I pray that she remembers that God has called us to care for orphans, and that he called our family to Fostercare.

And I pray that we make a difference in J's life. I pray that this impacts all of us in a positive light.

I could use prayers this week. I can handle J and the acts of caring for him. I could do that with my eyes closed (and admittedly do sometimes!! lol) But the rest of it has become challenging for me. And this is me admitting it. And requesting prayers. Because I can't do this by myself. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" I am repeating that to myself over and over this week.

Dear Lord, please give me the strength and grace to handle all that is thrown my way this week. I know that you called me to this work, and that this is your plan. I pray that my children feel my love, and don't doubt anything. I pray that you give me the energy to spread my love as much as possible and to help them feel that love.

Hello out there in blogger land

**WARNING** This is a sickeningly happy post. So if you are not in the mood to hear how much I love my life- I give you full permission to close this page. Because there was a time when I wouldn't have wanted to hear it.

SO much has happened, and I really should be sleeping right now- but it's not gonna happen, so I figured I'd write instead.

The last time I posted, we had just finalized the adoption, and everything was rosey and grand. Well things are even better if that's possible.

DH got a promotion, one that he had been wanting for the last year. We weren't expecting a raise, but it ended up coming with a pretty substantial one. We started looking for a new house, and are hoping to move in the next few months.
I started selling Thirty-One, which if you aren't familiar with- it's a christian based direct sales company that sells handbags and organizational tools. I LOVE it, and I have found that "thing" that I do that's just for me, and not for the kids or the hubby etc. That alone has helped my outlook on everything. The last few weeks have been heaven. I am feeling SO blessed.

And just when I thought things were perfect, I got a call. We welcomed a little boy who we shall call Junior yesterday. He is 13 months old, and such a happy baby. It is our first foster placement (as far as I'm concerned, my kids weren't really foster, since their parental rights were already terminated when they moved in) and we are riding the roller coaster. We have no idea how long he will be here, and I get to experience parental visits. We are taking him tomorrow for a few hours.

Junior absolutely ADORES A&G, and for the most part they really enjoy him as well. G is a little jealous, but she doesn't want to admit it and is trying to overcome it.

He has had a hard time sleeping (which is why I *should* be sleeping right now, while he is) but I think that's the new environment more than anything. I'm hoping I can get him on a schedule and be able to sleep through the night sometime soon.

And although today I'm more tired, more stressed, and my house is much messier- I'm also more blessed, more loved, and just as happy as I was before I got that call. This is an amazing time in my life and I couldn't be happier!

I'm hoping to continually update this blog with our foster journey. But who knows how well that will work :)

It has been forever.

I seem to have truly abandoned this blog. It was my outlet when things were rough, and I think since things have been so great- the need to write things down has changed.
But things are SOO GOOD! The adoption was finalized yesterday, and I am legally a mommy of 2 now!

These kids are truly an answer to prayer. While talking with my son (!!!) tonight, he brought up a conversation about God keeping his promises, and then about how sometimes we pray for things but God tells us no because he has something better in mind. I asked him if he knew my story of God telling me No because he had something better in mind. He smiled his sweet smile and said "Yes. You and Daddy wanted a baby, but God said no because he wanted you to find us"

He is so incredibly intuitive, and sweet. I am truly blessed. His sister is all girl, and a wild child. But she is also a nurturer. She is always playing with baby dolls and telling me "I am my baby's mommy". She often recreates scenes between her and I with her baby dolls.

I am SO blessed, and very happy with my little family. We are not done, and we plan to have more children, in whatever way God blesses us. As of right now, we aren't available for placements with DHS. We are going on vacation for two weeks next month, and when we get back- we are going to open our license back up again. Our plan is for 18months an younger, but we all know how *my* plans work out.

Some days I know I am not ready for a baby. I love my life, and I love how the dynamic works- but it's hard with 2 sometimes. They are always competing with each other. Adding another child to compete for attention and anything else, and I might lose it. But then I see a really cute baby, and I get baby fever all over again. And I want a cute squishy baby to love on and take care of.

So either way God plans it- I'm happy.

And for fun- here is a picture of our family at the adoption. This isn't the best picture, I am waiting for the pictures from the photographer.

I've been gone for a while,

as life has been rather hectic lately- I'm sure you can imagine.

But I had an "aha" moment tonight, and as usual- I feel the need to type it out- so here I go.

*DISCLAIMER* This is a jumbled up nonsensical mess. I typed as I thought, and didn't edit much. So if you get through it- you will be rewarded with a small update at the bottom- or ya know- you could skip the crazy and go straight to the update :)

I was perusing Pinterest (which is addicting by the way) and I came across THIS article. I only got through the first page before a concept hit me. God CALLS us to care for the orphaned. I'm not saying that everyone has to adopt, or that it's right for everyone- because it's not. What I'm saying is that this is God's calling for my life, and he knows me better than I know myself. He knows that I like to stay in my comfort zone.

I KNOW that we are meant to foster, and adopt, and help as many children in the foster care system as they will let us. But two years ago- I didn't know this. I was focused on babies. I wanted a BABY. The "normal" way. I was SO focused on it that I put fostering on a back burner- saying that we would do it "later".

I sadly know that if I had gotten what I prayed so fervently for- for so many months- I would not have fostered. Maybe much later in my life, but I doubt even then. I would have gotten comfortable in my life. I would have enjoyed my baby, and had another, and then once we hit three, I would have said- "well I'm done now". And I never would have stopped to consider the children who were waiting for my love. And God has blessed me with the heart for fostercare. And he will somehow give me the grace to get through whatever is thrown my way.

I've always known that I wanted to be a Mom, but somehow today- I finally understand what my calling in life is. TO HELP CHILDREN. Not just in a hands off way, but to take them into my home, into my heart- and to change their lives the only way I know how. To love them. I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to have everything together (which I feel I NEVER do). All I have to do is Love them. That part is easy. The rest- the discipline and the tantrums and the politics that come with Fostering- That part God will have to take care of, and give me the strength to handle. But I know that we are not even close to done. We want at least two more, and then once our kids are grown- and we have made it through parenting teenagers- we want to take in teenagers. If God leads us in that direction of course.

So for the first time in almost 3 years- I am thankful for Infertility. Not just accepting, but THANKFUL. Because had I not gone through all that struggle, we would have never chosen to foster, and I would still be feeling like something is missing.

And for a fun note- we are moving forward on the adoption for A and G, and we have chosen new names for them. Adoption should be finalized in April!! I'm overwhelmed by how awesome these kids are, but that's a much longer post than this one already is :)

I'm having a very good week

My house is a mess (and I mean that more than you think, this isn't just kid mess- this is "I don't feel like cleaning ANYTHING mess) and I'm way behind on laundry- but I am JOYFUL. I feel like I'm coming out of my depression, but I'm not jumping the gun- I'm simply enjoying it.

I love these kids. More than I realized, and more than I thought possible. The true moment it hit me was in a conversation with DH about something, where the implication that they would be taken from us was brought up. Instinctively I thought "I can't lose them".

This may seem like a small thing, but for me- it was a turning point. I had been struggling- and I didn't feel like a MOM. I didn't feel like their mom for sure. But in that moment, I finally admitted to myself that they are MINE. God created them to be my children. I'm crying once again as I write this, because it's clearing up for me.

I spent two years crying over the desire for a baby. I wanted to be a mother SO badly, and I wanted to be pregnant. And I needed to go through all that to get to where I am now. If I had gotten pregnant right away, we probably still would have done fostercare down the road- but not right now. Not when our kids needed us. So all the whys, and the whens have been answered. I'm still foggy, but I'm starting to distance and see God's plan. It is beautiful and more amazing than I could ever imagine. G is starting to call me "Mommy" almost exclusively. Today she went on a string of "MOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOM" and I've never been more happy to be annoyed!

I feel like I need a quote, something to neatly wrap up how I feel about my life right now. I'm so blessed. I'm so excited for Christmas, and excited for every moment that is to come. God is good- SO GOOD.

Don't get me wrong, I still want to get pregnant (not right now) and I still want a baby- but that ache is gone. I'm a mom. I'm starting to feel it, believe it and trust it. These beautiful children came into our lives and have made me SO GRATEFUL for this holiday. This is truly the best Christmas I've ever spent.

I know that if anyone had told me in my moment of pain that I would be GRATEFUL for it- I would have slugged them. Truly- I would have. But today, I am grateful for every tear and every heartbreaking moment. Because I am here today, and I know that not only was it worth the pain- it was completely necessary. And I am truly stronger.

I wish all of you a very merry Christmas, and if you are still struggling you are in my prayers. I pray that you find God's path for you, whatever that may be- and that he carries through through this time.

Much better day today

Thanks for all the kind words yesterday. Today is much better, and I had a meeting with Miss C today.


We talked about the kids and just about everything under the sun. I was a little frazzled, but we talked about a multitude of other things.
Among those things are changing the kids names, contact with the bio family and the most interesting development is the situation about us opening our license up again.

We had decided that once we move (we are house hunting right now) we want to open it back up for foster/adopt for an infant- under 18mo. I mentioned this to her and even said that if we had the beds I would do respite right now if we had the beds, but in this house we don't.

And then she mentioned a newborn who is looking like she will be removed from the home. Only a few weeks old. And I remembered I have a PNP that can go in my room and although I didn't say I definitely would, I told her I'm not entirely against taking in an infant right now (After yesterday I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea)

I'm not sure if it's a good idea, or if it would be good for Lil Man and Lil G- but it's out there. I talked to Lil Man and Lil G about it and they seem excited about the prospect of a baby in the house, but I'm sure they don't entirely understand. I am going to ask their therapist if she thinks it is a bad idea or not.

DH is on board, and I would LOVE to have a baby around, I'm just not sure I can handle it. But I know that if it is God's will- he will give me the strength (and the energy!) to handle it. So we will see how things pan out.

Today is a crack down day of sorts with the kids. They have been MUCH better and they seem to be back to my normal happy kids. Lil G is seeming to be the biggest problem- and I really think she was allowed to do whatever she pleased at FMoms house, and doesn't understand being expected to listen, and follow directions here.

So all in all, GREAT day. The best part was DH getting up with the kids and allowing me to sleep until 11am :D I told him I needed a break after yesterday lol.

Oh that? That's just crow

Yes, I posted that I'm not that mom that yells- well today I became that mom. Today has been bad. Very bad. Too much to post but let's say that I ruined dinner, my flour container (melted on the stove- I rock) and I spent the entire day yelling at my kids.

I'm tired. And crow does not taste good. How long does the honeymoon phase last? Because I think it's over. I hope it is. Today is bad.

::rummaging through cabinets for alcohol::

Jumping into parenting

We have jumped head first into parenting two Preschoolers, and it has been an interesting ride. I honestly don't know how I would have lasted the last month without Love and Logic. It's a parenting technique that quite a few of my Foster Mom friends recommended, and I started reading it even before we met the kids. I haven't even gotten all the way through the book, but every page I read helps me more.

This is the exact book I'm reading, and I've had it from the library for almost a month and a half.

The kids are testing us more and more, and today was the first day I really felt a L&L WIN. I took the kids to the park after quiet time so they could run off some energy. Lil Man doesn't really enjoy QT, but amazing actually slept for about an hour of it today.

We had a good time at the park until Lil Man had to go to the restroom. Thankfully the park we were at had semi clean facilities, so the three of us walked over to them. They aren't far from the playground area, but further than I was willing to leave Lil G by herself, so she walked with me. While Lil Man was in the restroom, she was playing. I turned my back for just a second to help him, and she decided to run back to the swings. Once I figured this out I was SO MAD. My first reaction was to yell at her until she realized what a bad idea this was. But with G that wouldn't work even if I had tried it. I yelled for a moment until she heard me from where she was (much further than I was comfortable with) and watched her until she got to me. I worked a little L&L magic and told her we would be leaving the park.

Boy did it work. She cried (which she always does) and was not happy, but she knew exactly what was going on and WHY we had to leave. And at bedtime she told me all about how she "didn't listen" and "ran away from me".

Lil Man has been a little harder to work with on some issues, but overall I have been SO happy for L&L. I am actually that calm parent that rarely yells that I never thought I would be!!!

And when I do yell (I have yelled at them a couple times this week, and then felt really badly) they take notice because I rarely do. It's amazing!!

I know things they will continue to test us, and we will have much worse days, but it's good to know that I can handle this!!!

In other news, G has gone two days now with no potty accidents. I feel like I'm potty training myself since she won't tell me if she has to go- but as long as I tell her, and I don't let her go more than an hour or so between potty breaks- the accidents don't happen! :D

Major update, and shift in focus

So things are crazy around here these days. Biggest news of all- I'm a MOM!!! Lil Man and Lil G arrived on 9/29 and things have been a whirlwind ever since.
The good, the bad and the fantastic.

• They both have been diagnosed with attachment disorder (can't remember the exact terms) but are in therapy and are actually doing quite well.
• TPR was on the 29th before they moved in and the Bio parents officially have no rights. 
• They are amazing kids and I love having them here, even in the bad moments.
• Lil Man is having some control issues, which is to be expected, and we are working on them.
• They call me "Mommy" on occasion as well as calling DH "Daddy". They are mixed in with our first names, and that is perfectly fine with us. 
• We have a meeting with the adoption worker next week, to get the process started, but it will probably take about 7 months. They have to be living with us for 6 before they can file anything. 
• Lil G is potty training, and we are on day 2 of just big girl panties (excluding naps and bedtime). Both days have yielded only one accident, so I count that as a success! I have to continually remind her to go potty, but I don't have to push hard to convince her to go, and she is good at holding her bladder, just not very happy about stopping whatever she is doing to go to the bathroom. 

So all in all, things are going great. Things are starting to sink in that I am a MOM finally, and that after all this time everything is right with the world. GOD IS GOOD. In case you weren't aware, I have two beautiful reminders of this on a daily basis. 

I'm going to try and change things around here. I feel like my blog needs a new look for this new phase. Who knows when I will actually have time, but I will be working on it. On top of that, the focus will be talking about the kids and my struggles/successes with them. I am sure the occassional IF topic will come up, and that is still a big part of this process, but our story has taken a big turn, and I think that my blog will definitely reflect that (if I can ever get back to posting regularly).

Stay tuned!!

Move in date was moved up!

Things have been VERY crazy around here. The kids have responded so well to us that CW has moved up the move in date. TO THIS THURSDAY!!

I am so very excited, and glad to not have to deal with FosterMom anymore, since she is making a lot of things difficult. But at the same time, it's so very surreal. Tonight I have been cleaning since everyone is coming here tomorrow to meet with the kids. We are telling them that we want to adopt them and that they will be moving in on Thursday. And I am on autopilot. I have a list of things to accomplish, and I'm mostly done with those. But the rest of the time I just feel numb to it all.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO THRILLED that the kids are moving in, and I can't wait- but I feel like it's not real. My every thought revolves around these kids, but they aren't here. So I'm a mom in that sense, but I still have all this free time! I'm trying to take advantage of it- I promise. But it feels like this isn't really happening. I'm sure once Thursday rolls around I will be FREAKING OUT!!

We will be telling the kids in about 12 hours and I can't wait for that. I am constantly wondering how they will react to that. I think Lil Man will be excited about it. But Lil G is rather attached to FM, and I'm worried that she will be upset at first. Either way, I know this is the best move for them- I just want it to be easy for them- which isn't really possible I suppose.

Lil G broke my heart a lot today. She asked for FM several times, which isn't like her. I think she knows what's going on and she's a little angry with me for not keeping her after this weekend. We had them overnight on Friday and then took them back on Saturday, and when we took them back she didn't want to go. It broke my heart to convince her to go back there.

I'm so ready for these kiddos to be with us. FM is making things difficult and constantly undermining me, so I'm just avoiding anything with her for the next 3 days. She is a control freak and is exerting her control. And that's fine. Because of the way she has acted in all of this she will not be seeing the kids again. Therapist thinks it's a bad idea and so do I. It makes me sad because this transition could have gone SO much better, but she wasn't willing to work on it.

I need to go to bed now since I have to be up at 5:30- but I hope things will go well tomorrow and telling the kids is a hit!

Sometimes being so much like my mom is a bad thing...

And some days, like today- it is a blessing.

I have been very frustrated with Foster Mom for the last few days. She has completely cut herself off from me, which isn't that big of a deal except that CW is completely uninvolved and FM and I absolutely HAVE to communicate at least 3 times a week, and not just in passing. There are a lot of logistics to work out in the next couple weeks.

DH and I have discussed a lot of things at length, but I've also ranted to my  mom a lot. And every time I do, she offers me advice. But I get irritated, because I've already *done* that. And then my mom just irritates me because I feel like she isn't hearing me. But she is. She is only hearing what I tell her, and I don't have time to tell her everything.

So today it occurred to me. My mom is telling me that I have to give FM some slack, because she loves these kids a LOT. And I realized- I HAVE been giving her a lot of slack. I have been as sensitive, and as kind and as accommodating as I possibly can be. I KNOW this is hard on her. I have only known the kids for a little over a week and I love them more than life itself. To have had them in her home for 4 months at this point? I can only imagine.

So every time I ask to see the kids, or ask for anything- it is *always* accompanied by "if that works for you. If not, it's no big deal". I am not exaggerating. I don't want to step on toes.

So as I'm talking to my mom, I figured it out. That is exactly why I am so frustrated. I am bending over backwards to help her get through this, and she is avoiding me, and when she *does* talk to me, she is questioning everything I do (at least it feels that way) and refusing to talk to me about the logistics. It feels like she is spitting in my face.





I can't actually do anything about this- but somehow just understanding my own feelings makes me able to get over it. I want to keep the kids overnight on Friday (for the first time) since it is Lil G's bday on Saturday. The kids would be back on Saturday early afternoon due to a previous engagement. I told FM this on Friday, and told her if it wasn't possible that was OK, we would celebrate on Friday with them when we have them for the day. But now she isn't wanting to talk about it. I'm not letting her just avoid me. If she doesn't want to- that's ok. But she is going to have to suck it up and tell me that- not just hope I forget and won't ask about it.

So I am over ranting about FM. She clearly doesn't want my help, so I will continue to be slightly accommodating, but I'm not bending over backwards. And I only have 2 more weeks to make this work.

Had a visit with the kids today

and I'm a little overwhelmed at all I have to buy.

They have basically NO clothes that fit/ are right for the season. FosterMom hasn't gotten her clothing allowance yet (supposed to be in her next check which is delayed) and it just got colder (literally two days ago) so they just have summer stuff.

So I have to buy all new stuff for this season. I am REALLY hoping she either gives me the clothing allowance or actually uses it on clothes- but she was totally freaking out about money all evening. I know that kids are expensive, and that the state is always late on payments, but it was almost as if she expected the payments from the state to cover everything....  Maybe I'm the only one who got the memo that it REALLY doesn't cover everything. 


If she doesn't, I will still be fine because I have a boatload of clothes coming from family and friends, and I'm heading to the consignment shops this week, but it was just a weird convo.

And on top of the clothes, I have all the other stuff, which I'm actually super excited about- it's just a LONG list.

We had a great visit, and Lil Man and I went to the park just the two of us (the first time we've been away from foster mom BTW) and it was so fun. He has the most infectious laugh :D

We came back and played a bit in their room and I hung out while the kids ate dinner. I finally left right before bedtime, but not before setting up a next visit. Looks like I'm going to be having them MWF while Fmom works. So I pick them up around 9am and then take them home sometime in the afternoon. DH is going to LOVE THIS. He was so upset that he didn't get to see them yesterday and we couldn't go this morning. He is so cute :D

I have tried to talk to Fmom about the move in date for two days and she won't return my calls, so I sort of told her about it during the kids dinner, but we couldn't talk much (vague comments about "The date" etc) because the kids don't know the whole story yet. We will probably tell them next week. Or when they ask, whichever comes first.

I also wanted to talk to her about a ton of stuff that I talked with the therapist about, but I couldn't with the kids there, and again- she won't return my calls. So I'm done trying. I told her while I was there to call me because I wanted to talk to her, but she basically ignored me. I know she is busy, and I know she has the kids around her nearly 24/7, but she almost seemed to not want to hear what I said. She told me she wanted to set the move in date for the 10th instead of the 6th, and when I said it was already set, she said she thought I should fight to have it on the 10th. No thanks, maybe if you had called THAT DAY when I said I needed to talk to you ASAP, we could have discussed it. You have ignored your way out of having a choice.

I brushed it off by saying that everything hinges on how the kids are transitioning. If they aren't ready, then they won't move then. I just left it at that.

All in all, a good visit, but I'm excited to start having the kids without Fmom so I can get a better idea of what's going on. I really hope that the move will be seamless and the kids will be glad to move in here, rather than doing it because everyone is telling them to.

Only time will tell!!!

MOVE IN IS SET!!!

Lil Man and Lil G are set to move in on October 6th. We are planning to tell them about the plan in a couple weeks, unless they ask before then.

I am on cloud 9000009. I don't think anything could bring me down today. We get to see the kids again tomorrow, and I just can't wait. I've been on the phone for over an hour or so talking to the CW and the therapist about various things. It's important to keep them in school (headstart in our area), so I'm working on getting them enrolled now so they can start school immediately after they move in.

And I also have a list of things to buy and do before they move in. It's a whirlwind from here on out! These might be the longest and yet shortest 3 weeks of my life!!!!