I'm sure you've guessed by my silence....

That I am not pregnant. Took a test last Sat, and it was Neg, but it was only 12DPO so I was still holding on to hope. Took another test Sun, and BFN. Mon morn was my Beta and it came back at 0.

That was a bad day. It's been a bad week. All of that hope that I was holding on to came back to hit me in the face HARD. It wasn't just hope though.

And then, after the beta, my temp stayed up all the way until Thursday and AF didn't arrive until yesterday. So of course I deluded myself even further into thinking that maybe I WAS PG and that the beta didn't show anything because implantation occurred late and that if AF didn't show on Fri then I would POAS and it would be positive.

So yesterday was a bad day too. That's when it REALLLY hit me. When I REALLY realized that this was NOT the cycle. And while I didn't really cry (I got most of that out on the drive home from the Drs on Mon) I sunk into a depression. I was having an anxiety attack at the grocery store because I didn't want to be anywhere but safe at home, which was the last place I really needed to be for my own good.

I am a person who believes in intuition, gut feeling, instincts or whatever you want to call it. I suppose I feel that my intuition is how I can feel God's guidance. I've always had a "gut feeling" about just about anything in my life. And when my gut tells me to do something, or that something is or isn't going to work out- I generally trust it.

Well I was SURE that I was PG this cycle. I thought it was my intuition, and that God was giving me this assurance that this was going to work.

I was wrong. VERY wrong. I managed to delude myself into thinking that I could actually will myself to be pregnant. So this BFN wasn't just telling me that I wasn't pregnant, it was telling me that I can't trust my intuition or gut feeling anymore. I'm questioning a LOT of things.

Like the fact that I thought God had given me peace that I WILL be pregnant and have my own child one day. What if I just made that up in my head and convinced myself that it was God?

And it's not just about TTC either. I feel like I can't trust my instincts or my intuition about things like the guys my BFF dates, or about people that I meet. And I feel like I've lost a big part of who I am. I am second guessing every decision I make, and that has caused me to hole myself up at home.

I've tried to get out, because I am not a person who should be allowed to be at home alone for extended periods of time. My depression tends to get the better of me then. So last night I took my time doing a lot of things just to avoid feeling like I was sitting here alone.

All in all I'm doing a little better today. I am getting ready to leave to go to my nephew's 3rd birthday party. I am very excited for this and I can't believe he is 3, but I'm not looking forward to being around a bunch of people.

Tonight DH is taking me to see "Life as we Know it" which I am VERY excited for. I want to see that movie SO bad and every time I see a preview I get excited!

So I'm pulling myself back out, and God is helping me, although I admit that I am back to being a little angry with him and feel a bit like I can't here or feel him. It's very frustrating.

POAS today

I REALLY told myself that I wasn't going to POAS 12 times this cycle. I'm amazed I made it this far LOL

I wanted to see if the HCG from the trigger shot was out of my system. I got my first ever BFP LOL. But it's a VERRRYYY faint line, so I'm not too worried about it.

I was having visions of getting a BFP and then getting the blood results back and being told that it was just the trigger shot that stayed in my system for too long. So I had to know. I am a control freak- I realize this LOL

So now- hopefully when I test in a week, and I get a BFP (we're being horribly optimistic this cycle, it's dangerous, but I've given up being cautious LOL) I will have the chance to be immediately excited and celebrate, instead of worrying that it's a false positive.

I was trying really hard to hold on to being cautious to protect myself from what will happen if it doesn't work. And it wasn't working very well. So I've decided that if I'm going to hope this much, I might as well put everything I have into it. I will have a nervous breakdown either way if this cycle doesn't work, so why not enjoy it now!! LOL

Am I crazy for that? Over a year of BFNs have taught me that hope is dangerous when it comes to TTC. And yet- this cycle I have dreamed and planned and played "What If" in my head a thousand times. I might as well be saying this stuff out loud! At least to my blog at least. :D

Here's hoping for a BFP next week!!! This has been the worst 2ww EVER!!

Back from the Dr

It went SO well and I was clearly worrying over nothing.

I got three mature follicles. Two are 15mm and one was 18mm. So I got my ovidrel shot and now DH and will be BDing like crazy LOL

I am still really invested in this cycle, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much.

And after my wonderful appointment- I found out that a good friend of the family is in remission from Lymphoma!!

My day was cruddy yesterday- but now it's SO much better!!! God is good!

UGH I'm seriously going to cry over this.

WARNING- This entire post is TMI.


I have a yeast infection. I'm so scared to take anything or do anything to stop the itching.

I have my ultrasound tomorrow, so I'll just ask my RE then what I can do and how this might affect our chances of getting PG this cycle.

I read that the change in PH can affect the sperm and our ability to get PG this cycle. This makes me very cranky because I CANNOT put this cycle off. I really can't. I will lose my ever loving mind.

I am terrified that I'm going to go to this ultrasound tomorrow and be told that nothing has happened, like last time. I have put WAY too much weight into this cycle. Which was a STUPID idea. But here I am- seriously invested in the assumption that I will see two lines in about 2 weeks.

And then I realized that my Conception lube disappeared. Since Clomid tends to dry me out really bad so I had some sperm friendly lube. Well it's missing. And I went to go buy more and I can't find it at either of the stores I usually frequent.

I am also irrationally scared that I will go into this appointment tomorrow and be told that there is no response. Because that's what happened last time.

Yes I realize this is completely irrational because I know the Clomid makes me ovulate. I have tracked that with charting and have had 3 ovulatory cycles with Clomid. But I'm still crazy and I have weird irrational fears.

So yeah- I'm ready for tomorrow to come so I can know what lies ahead. And then of course we begin the 2WW which will bring on a whole other set of neuroses LOL

Random thoughts

So I've realized that this summer was FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC. LOL. Aside from the TONS of stress that I've been through, I did so many amazing things and really just had an amazing summer. I kind of feel like it was my last Hurrah  before we have a baby. Ya know that annoying phrase that you sometimes hear?

"You should enjoy the time you have before you have a baby"

It's never good to hear, but honestly- that's what I have done this summer. We took the summer off because of moving and then had to postpone a couple more cycles because of other stuff. I went to 4 concerts (all of which were AMAZING) went to  Cedar Point twice (maybe a third time, still deciding LOL) and just spent the summer hanging out with BFF a TON. I can't even remember all the awesome stuff I'm thinking of. But I'm glad I had this summer.

Not to say that I am glad I've gone through IF, I'm just seeing the silver lining in the situation.

During this summer, BFF also went through A REALLY long summer of dating. She went through a LOT of bad guys.

I think both of us going through a crappy point in our lives, it made the summer that much better. I don't think that if I had everything going great in my life that I could have been the support that she needed. I think our suffering helped us to help each other.

So that's my silver lining of the night.

Cycle update- I am done with the Clomid and started taking Mucinex to increase my CM. My ultrasound in Monday and I am SO nervous because of what happened last time.

Wish me luck!!

CD1! New cycle!

It's officially CD1, which works well for the timing for my ultrasound,which as we know I DID NOT schedule well last month LOL

I bought yet another BBT thermometer tonight because mine died. I haven't been charting for quite a few months, I'm worried that I won't be as vigilant as I should be, but I have a feeling that the old habits of obsession will kick in quickly LOL

Three Years. and an update

Today is my third wedding anniversary. We took this weekend and got a hotel room and just relaxed. It was pretty great to get away from all of the drama of our lives in the last month.


I am thrilled that we made it through the last three years and know that we can make it through anything. We've gone through our rough patches, and I think we've truly overcome it and have grown a lot. 

Grandma is finally home and doing a lot better, but she had a couple of rough patches. It's been a very long month and I'm glad we ended up canceling this cycle.

I'm back on the progesterone and AF will probably arrive within the week. I'm excited about this cycle, and admittedly putting a lot of hope into it.


This cycle will consist of the following

•  50mg Clomid CD5-9
• CD 16 ultrasound
• Possible trigger shot and timed intercourse
• Mucinex CD10-3DPO
• Acupuncture throughout my cycle

As well as all the other tricks, elevated hips, grapefruit, loose boxers and everything else that I can't think of right now.

Like I said, I am putting a lot of weight in this cycle. My BFF/Cousin Lisa is pregnant and as happy as I am for her, I really want to be pregnant with her rather than watch her go through what I would LOVE to have for 9 months.

So that's pretty much the update on me. It's been a long month, but my faith has definitely been strengthened and I am handling all of this a lot better than I have in the past.

Sorry for the extended absence! I swear I'm back now and I'll be back to commenting on my favorite blogs.