Well I come back from SC to find out that we WON'T be getting our home study any time soon. And I'm angry. I'm angry because this is taking so long (yes, I have read my last blog post LOL) but most of all I'm just angry because it seems like I can't catch a break.
And after I find this out, Lisa posts on FB about being home with her two beautiful girls and I just lose it all over again. I'm so glad I was there for her having the baby (who is beautiful btw) and I love Chelsea, but right now, she has exactly what I want SO BADLY while I sit here unable to do anything and wait on people who don't have time for me.
I'm trying to remember how I felt when I wrote that blog, but I'm not really doing well with it right now.
I think part of this anger is me dealing with my emotions from this weekend. But even so-I need prayers today.
Lord, Please help me to put my faith in you always. Help me to remember that you WILL fulfill your promises. And that I need to sit back and wait, and listen to you. Help me to get through this pain by leaning on you and not expecting me to carry it all on my own. I was not created to carry the burden of life. You created me to draw my strength from your holy spirit. Help me to remember that.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Very emotional couple of days- VERY VERY LONG
I am in SC visiting with my cousin/BFF Lisa. She and I are as close as sisters, and when she had her first daughter, I was over the moon so excited. I call her daughter my niece, although biologically she isn't.
Well she is PG. I posted about it when I found out- but didn't really blog about the affect it had on me. I was devastated. She DID NOT want another baby right now, possibly ever. In fact- HOURS before she POAS- she told me very emphatically how she couldn't handle it right now. And to top it all off- she was staying with me for several months while here husband was here in SC. She saw him for ONE WEEK out of 3 months- and she got knocked up. Needless to say- I wasn't happy. At all.
Over the last 9 months I've sadly distanced myself a bit. She is amazing, and she hasn't pushed me at all. She has been completely understanding- and I really think this has actually brought us closer. She has said that she would MUCH rather me be pregnant. But we both agree that obviously God has a plan.
FF to this week. She is due today actually (getting induced tomorrow) and I flew in on Friday. I really debated whether or not I could handle coming down here this week. Do I REALLY want to watch my Little Sister (as I often refer to her) have exactly what I want? Do I want to hold back her hair and help her push and comfort her when all I want to do is scream because I can't have what she has?
The answer isn't really yes- but I wouldn't miss this for the world. She and I are SO close, and to miss this (intentionally) would kill us both. So I prayed, and prayed and prayed some more. I begged God for guidance. And finally settled on the decision that if I couldn't handle watching this and being here- God would arrange the timing for the baby to come before I got here. Well she didn't. Lisa is still pregnant- and going in for induction at 6:30 am. I'm not leaving until Tuesday afternoon- so I will be here for it all. And I know God will give me the strength.
Last night we were sitting in the guest room (we=Lisa, her husband, myself and Lisa's friend Debbie who I know very well) They were discussing pregnancy and how most women- although the labor is hard and there are lots of downsides- would never trade the ability to carry a child. Lisa was talking about the bad thigns about pregnancy, but then why the good things very much outweighed the bad. This went on for some time. Needless to say- I was VERY quiet- and simply tried to keep my composure (as I had been trying to do for a couple days) and then Lisa saw my face and realized what effect this was having on me- and she immediately said my name and apologized. And that's all it took. I lost it. I had promised myself that I wouldn't break down in front of her and burden her with my emotions in this time. This was supposed to be about her and Chealsea (the new baby girl). And I couldn't handle it. I excused myself and went downstairs to compose myself. And it was very difficult. As you can imagine, my emotions are on high and I am crying so easy right now. Repressing my emotions tends to do that lol. Later that night I talked to her and she apologized and thanked me for being here- even though she knows it's hard.
So Lisa took me to her church this morning. I have been thrilled that she found a church that she loves so much- and was glad to attend. The worship was amazing, and ended with a song about waiting on the Lord. Of course- this spoke to me in a very real way- and so I was crying.
And then the Pastor started speaking- I was intending to go into more detail about his sermon- but this blog post is long enough- so I won't. But the title of the sermon was "Waiting on the Promise". It was about waiting on promises that God gives us. He started out saying "God ALWAYS fulfills his promises" His entire sermon was about how when God promises us something (for me, a promise that I will be pregnant and give birth at some point in my life) he ALWAYS delivers- but we don't always get the *when*. He talked about how the waiting often molds us into the people we need to be to receive the promise. He also said a lot of other things that I can't remember- but I walked away with an entirely different view of my struggles.
First of all- I need to remember that my focus shouldn't be this life. This life will end. And it will not matter. But I am hoping to get to HEAVEN!! And that is going to completely outshine anything I think I want or need in this life. So the next time I think about how my life will be better, or how much I want kids- I need to remember that I should want Heaven MORE than I want a family.
And amidst all of this I finally came to the place where if I NEVER have children. I can accept that. God is enough for me. I have faith that he can make my life better than anything I can if I just put my faith in him. This was a place that was very hard for me to get to. I still believe that God made me with the purpose of being a Mom. But if that never happens- I have faith that I will live a very fulfilling life and I will make a difference in someones life. Maybe many someones.
At the end of his sermon- he made me officially lose it. I bawled my eyes out. I laid my head on Lisa's shoulder and sobbed. I had been trying not to cry (again) and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. The pastor asked those who were waiting on a promise from God to come to the front and allow the leaders of the church to pray. Lisa walked with me up there and I just felt at peace. I still cried- because although the waiting is necessary- I know that it doesn't take the hurt away- and that's the point. But the crying that I did was a cleansing cry. It was exactly what I needed and I think it really helped me. I'm still very emotional- and I've cried several times writing this blog- but I think I know why I NEEDED to be here. As much as I usually love my church- I'm not being fed at all right now and it's one of the reasons we are considering changing churches. But that is a post for another day. I needed that message, and it was delivered at exactly the right time.
Oddly enough- the church down the road from Lisa's house (20 min from her church) had a message on their sign on Friday. "God ALWAYS fulfills his promises". It made me cry as well. It seems to be the theme of this trip!
Well she is PG. I posted about it when I found out- but didn't really blog about the affect it had on me. I was devastated. She DID NOT want another baby right now, possibly ever. In fact- HOURS before she POAS- she told me very emphatically how she couldn't handle it right now. And to top it all off- she was staying with me for several months while here husband was here in SC. She saw him for ONE WEEK out of 3 months- and she got knocked up. Needless to say- I wasn't happy. At all.
Over the last 9 months I've sadly distanced myself a bit. She is amazing, and she hasn't pushed me at all. She has been completely understanding- and I really think this has actually brought us closer. She has said that she would MUCH rather me be pregnant. But we both agree that obviously God has a plan.
FF to this week. She is due today actually (getting induced tomorrow) and I flew in on Friday. I really debated whether or not I could handle coming down here this week. Do I REALLY want to watch my Little Sister (as I often refer to her) have exactly what I want? Do I want to hold back her hair and help her push and comfort her when all I want to do is scream because I can't have what she has?
The answer isn't really yes- but I wouldn't miss this for the world. She and I are SO close, and to miss this (intentionally) would kill us both. So I prayed, and prayed and prayed some more. I begged God for guidance. And finally settled on the decision that if I couldn't handle watching this and being here- God would arrange the timing for the baby to come before I got here. Well she didn't. Lisa is still pregnant- and going in for induction at 6:30 am. I'm not leaving until Tuesday afternoon- so I will be here for it all. And I know God will give me the strength.
Last night we were sitting in the guest room (we=Lisa, her husband, myself and Lisa's friend Debbie who I know very well) They were discussing pregnancy and how most women- although the labor is hard and there are lots of downsides- would never trade the ability to carry a child. Lisa was talking about the bad thigns about pregnancy, but then why the good things very much outweighed the bad. This went on for some time. Needless to say- I was VERY quiet- and simply tried to keep my composure (as I had been trying to do for a couple days) and then Lisa saw my face and realized what effect this was having on me- and she immediately said my name and apologized. And that's all it took. I lost it. I had promised myself that I wouldn't break down in front of her and burden her with my emotions in this time. This was supposed to be about her and Chealsea (the new baby girl). And I couldn't handle it. I excused myself and went downstairs to compose myself. And it was very difficult. As you can imagine, my emotions are on high and I am crying so easy right now. Repressing my emotions tends to do that lol. Later that night I talked to her and she apologized and thanked me for being here- even though she knows it's hard.
So Lisa took me to her church this morning. I have been thrilled that she found a church that she loves so much- and was glad to attend. The worship was amazing, and ended with a song about waiting on the Lord. Of course- this spoke to me in a very real way- and so I was crying.
And then the Pastor started speaking- I was intending to go into more detail about his sermon- but this blog post is long enough- so I won't. But the title of the sermon was "Waiting on the Promise". It was about waiting on promises that God gives us. He started out saying "God ALWAYS fulfills his promises" His entire sermon was about how when God promises us something (for me, a promise that I will be pregnant and give birth at some point in my life) he ALWAYS delivers- but we don't always get the *when*. He talked about how the waiting often molds us into the people we need to be to receive the promise. He also said a lot of other things that I can't remember- but I walked away with an entirely different view of my struggles.
First of all- I need to remember that my focus shouldn't be this life. This life will end. And it will not matter. But I am hoping to get to HEAVEN!! And that is going to completely outshine anything I think I want or need in this life. So the next time I think about how my life will be better, or how much I want kids- I need to remember that I should want Heaven MORE than I want a family.
And amidst all of this I finally came to the place where if I NEVER have children. I can accept that. God is enough for me. I have faith that he can make my life better than anything I can if I just put my faith in him. This was a place that was very hard for me to get to. I still believe that God made me with the purpose of being a Mom. But if that never happens- I have faith that I will live a very fulfilling life and I will make a difference in someones life. Maybe many someones.
At the end of his sermon- he made me officially lose it. I bawled my eyes out. I laid my head on Lisa's shoulder and sobbed. I had been trying not to cry (again) and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. The pastor asked those who were waiting on a promise from God to come to the front and allow the leaders of the church to pray. Lisa walked with me up there and I just felt at peace. I still cried- because although the waiting is necessary- I know that it doesn't take the hurt away- and that's the point. But the crying that I did was a cleansing cry. It was exactly what I needed and I think it really helped me. I'm still very emotional- and I've cried several times writing this blog- but I think I know why I NEEDED to be here. As much as I usually love my church- I'm not being fed at all right now and it's one of the reasons we are considering changing churches. But that is a post for another day. I needed that message, and it was delivered at exactly the right time.
Oddly enough- the church down the road from Lisa's house (20 min from her church) had a message on their sign on Friday. "God ALWAYS fulfills his promises". It made me cry as well. It seems to be the theme of this trip!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Updates on H- and us too
She went home with her dad on Tuesday. CPS told us it was OK and DH is really not ok with it. He found out a lot of information about H's dad, and he doesn't feel CPS is doing their job. I'm not upset with CPS, but if what DH found out is true, then I'm very sad for H.
I have been trying to find the right person to speak with at CPS for us to talk to, and I've been given the runaround- but I have one more person to talk to this afternoon. DH and I have heard a lot of things, and although it is heresay, we are going to include it in the other things we know of.
I called her yesterday to see if she was coming over (we have the teens over every Wednesday for bible study/fellowship). She didn't come sadly, and we still have some of her things. I'm hoping I can continue a relationship with her.
And I talked with our licensing worker this morning. I've been in touch with her during this process, and she was following up with me. While I had her on the phone- I asked her about our homestudy and she said that she is so busy with other things. She asked if I would be ok with an intern doing our homestudy. I'm definitely fine with that, and she said she can always call me if she has additional questions.
So the homestudy will most likely be the beginning of May!!
I'm glad to finally have a timeline- you know how much I like control and plans LOL
Monday, April 11, 2011
Prayers appreciated
There is a very strange situation I'm involved in, which might push our license through very quickly, but also might put us in a situation to foster a 14 year old girl.
We know a family at church, and without revealing too many details, I will say that H (the girl) and I have gotten very close. She is in my youth group, and she has stayed here a couple times. Her dad was arrested yesterday and she can't go back to the home at this time. She is staying with us tonight for sure, and depending on the status of her father she may be staying her for an extended period of time.
We don't know what's happening, and are walking blindly and as always- trying to trust in God's plan. I will be updating!
_____________________________________________________________
UPDATE-
We found out that H's dad is getting out of jail today. She is still probably staying with us tonight, and we aren't sure past that. He wasn't arrested because of anything having to do with her, and his parental rights are not in question. She will probably go home tomorrow. The problem lies with her stepmother, and although it seems the couple are separating for now, I don't think it will last and H will be back in a toxic situation. I am already planning to talk to CPS about a few issues I've observed in the home, but what I do know isn't enough to remove H and her brothers (2 and 6 mo) from the home. So odds are it will just be logged.
Update 2
CPS called us to ask if she was with us, as opposed to another place that had been reccomended. They want her to stay here tonight, but her dad isn't happy about that- and she doesn't want to be here either. I am having to move from the "friend" who is trying make her do her homework and make her laugh to the enforcer who is saying she has to do what CPS says. And if her dad doesn't agree with CPS then they are going to try and place her in respite care tonight. So either way she isn't going with her dad, but she doesn't see that. She really doesn't want to hear that she doesn't have certain options. That seems like such an obvious statement, but it didn't really occur to me that it would be a problem like this.
This is good training I think LOL
We know a family at church, and without revealing too many details, I will say that H (the girl) and I have gotten very close. She is in my youth group, and she has stayed here a couple times. Her dad was arrested yesterday and she can't go back to the home at this time. She is staying with us tonight for sure, and depending on the status of her father she may be staying her for an extended period of time.
We don't know what's happening, and are walking blindly and as always- trying to trust in God's plan. I will be updating!
_____________________________________________________________
UPDATE-
We found out that H's dad is getting out of jail today. She is still probably staying with us tonight, and we aren't sure past that. He wasn't arrested because of anything having to do with her, and his parental rights are not in question. She will probably go home tomorrow. The problem lies with her stepmother, and although it seems the couple are separating for now, I don't think it will last and H will be back in a toxic situation. I am already planning to talk to CPS about a few issues I've observed in the home, but what I do know isn't enough to remove H and her brothers (2 and 6 mo) from the home. So odds are it will just be logged.
Update 2
CPS called us to ask if she was with us, as opposed to another place that had been reccomended. They want her to stay here tonight, but her dad isn't happy about that- and she doesn't want to be here either. I am having to move from the "friend" who is trying make her do her homework and make her laugh to the enforcer who is saying she has to do what CPS says. And if her dad doesn't agree with CPS then they are going to try and place her in respite care tonight. So either way she isn't going with her dad, but she doesn't see that. She really doesn't want to hear that she doesn't have certain options. That seems like such an obvious statement, but it didn't really occur to me that it would be a problem like this.
This is good training I think LOL
Friday, April 8, 2011
Update on me and Foster stuff
We've gotten a lot accomplished, and the nursery is just about done. I still want a glider/ottoman, but I am waiting for the funds to buy the one I want LOL.
We are waiting for our Licensing Agent to finish her other Homestudies before we can have ours done. She said we are next on the list. She did email me last week asking about our age limit because we had originally put 0-1. Well now we are going for 0-2 and instead of just one child, we are open to up to 4 and definitely sibling groups. I would even go up to 4 yrs if the child was a part of a sibling group. Somehow that seems wrong to say though, I'm not sure why.
We had also originally said we only wanted children who were TPRed (termination of parental rights) or were low risk for RU (reunification). And now we have completely changed that. At this point I just want and need kids in the house. So we are definitely open to Respite care, which I would LOVE, and we are taking just about any situation. We are even open to some moderate special needs. All in all, I think we've come to a good decision about what we can handle for now, but now we just wait for DHS-something I'm sure I will be doing a LOT of in my future.
But I have been struggling in the last few days with mourning what I am NOT going to have. I don't get to have a baby shower, tour a hospital, decide on the "coming home" outfit. I don't get to decide whether or not to have a photographer do newborn pictures in the hospital. I don't get to experience pregnancy, I don't get to even TRY to breastfeed, and I most likely won't be able to experience the first days, months or even years of my childs life.
I do believe that I will get PG and give birth someday, but I can't focus on that- and amidst my excitement of finally being a Mom (albeit a temporary one sometimes) I am smacked in the face with the reality that I am NOT the same as my mom friends. I feel like I'm emotionally pregnant. I remember reading that phrase on some adoption forums recently. But I am! I'm emotionally pregnant. But it's like I'm pregnant with no due date, and with no warning of what my due date will be. I know I will have children, and it will mostly be through adoption through foster care. But who knows how long the licensing process will continue to take, and then once we are licensed- it could be minutes or months or more before we have a placement.
I'm so excited for what is to come, but now I just get to sit and wait. And it sucks. I suppose God is preparing me for the wait that will inevitably come once we are licensed and even during an adoption process.
We are waiting for our Licensing Agent to finish her other Homestudies before we can have ours done. She said we are next on the list. She did email me last week asking about our age limit because we had originally put 0-1. Well now we are going for 0-2 and instead of just one child, we are open to up to 4 and definitely sibling groups. I would even go up to 4 yrs if the child was a part of a sibling group. Somehow that seems wrong to say though, I'm not sure why.
We had also originally said we only wanted children who were TPRed (termination of parental rights) or were low risk for RU (reunification). And now we have completely changed that. At this point I just want and need kids in the house. So we are definitely open to Respite care, which I would LOVE, and we are taking just about any situation. We are even open to some moderate special needs. All in all, I think we've come to a good decision about what we can handle for now, but now we just wait for DHS-something I'm sure I will be doing a LOT of in my future.
But I have been struggling in the last few days with mourning what I am NOT going to have. I don't get to have a baby shower, tour a hospital, decide on the "coming home" outfit. I don't get to decide whether or not to have a photographer do newborn pictures in the hospital. I don't get to experience pregnancy, I don't get to even TRY to breastfeed, and I most likely won't be able to experience the first days, months or even years of my childs life.
I do believe that I will get PG and give birth someday, but I can't focus on that- and amidst my excitement of finally being a Mom (albeit a temporary one sometimes) I am smacked in the face with the reality that I am NOT the same as my mom friends. I feel like I'm emotionally pregnant. I remember reading that phrase on some adoption forums recently. But I am! I'm emotionally pregnant. But it's like I'm pregnant with no due date, and with no warning of what my due date will be. I know I will have children, and it will mostly be through adoption through foster care. But who knows how long the licensing process will continue to take, and then once we are licensed- it could be minutes or months or more before we have a placement.
I'm so excited for what is to come, but now I just get to sit and wait. And it sucks. I suppose God is preparing me for the wait that will inevitably come once we are licensed and even during an adoption process.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Fingerprinting and Nursery pics
We got our background release forms today, and we need to go get fingerprinted this week. I believe once we get that done- we will be scheduling the homestudy!
I am so ridiculously excited about this. I feel like we are finally getting somewhere. We seem to be moving along so quickly in the process, but I feel like it's taking FOREVER!! I just want a placement, whether it's permanent or temporary. I can finally say this out loud to myself and not feel bad- I am a mom at heart. I am a nurturer and I love taking care of children. I have found some satisfaction in this by being a Nanny- but it's not the same.
A few weeks ago, we had a "test run" of sorts. We ended up housing a 15 year old, a 2 year old and a 5 month old. Their mother was in the hospital, and the 15 year old wasn't trusted to take care of her two younger brothers.We know the family from church, and the 15 year old and I are rather close. She is one of the teens in my youth group. I enjoyed having them here SO MUCH, and I realized once again how much I love having little ones in the house. It just reinforced for me that we are making the right decision.
Since then, I've moved full force into finishing our nursery. Here are a few pictures! All I have are crappy cell phone pics- since my camera isn't working at the moment. I will work on getting better ones later!
I am so ridiculously excited about this. I feel like we are finally getting somewhere. We seem to be moving along so quickly in the process, but I feel like it's taking FOREVER!! I just want a placement, whether it's permanent or temporary. I can finally say this out loud to myself and not feel bad- I am a mom at heart. I am a nurturer and I love taking care of children. I have found some satisfaction in this by being a Nanny- but it's not the same.
A few weeks ago, we had a "test run" of sorts. We ended up housing a 15 year old, a 2 year old and a 5 month old. Their mother was in the hospital, and the 15 year old wasn't trusted to take care of her two younger brothers.We know the family from church, and the 15 year old and I are rather close. She is one of the teens in my youth group. I enjoyed having them here SO MUCH, and I realized once again how much I love having little ones in the house. It just reinforced for me that we are making the right decision.
Since then, I've moved full force into finishing our nursery. Here are a few pictures! All I have are crappy cell phone pics- since my camera isn't working at the moment. I will work on getting better ones later!
The bedding I found on ebay- I love it! I love the matching wall hangings too!
The changing table I found at a consignment shop for $30! I was SO excited when I found it!
The crib with bedding and the messy toy corner.
Growth chart. It matches the bedding and I love it!
Overall room look. I am standing in the doorway to the hallway, and to the left of the window shown is the walkin closet with the dresser. That's not nearly as organized so I need to finish that before I take a picture ;-)
We are planning to put a glider/rocker/recliner where the black chair is- but I haven't found one that I love.
Bonus picture of the awesome diaper bag I bought for myself. I'm so excited I bought it instead of other ones that I didn't love as much. It's perfect for me :D
Also- I have a border that I purchased to match the bedding- but since we have decided that we aren't staying in this house for more than a year (we rent right now) I am saving it for when we buy a house that we plan to stay in for much longer. So I am leaving the Dinosaur border up. Our landlords painted and decorated the nursery for their son when they lived here- and I loved it so much and didn't want to change it!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Things are crazy around here
We are doing great on the foster care process and are almost ready for the home inspection. I'm extremely excited because I have the nursery almost ready. I will have to post before and after pictures soon.
I am going to be starting a new blog completely separate from this one, specifically for our family. I will still need this blog to let out my feelings, and this blog will remain fairly anonymous. But I want to be able to update our friends and family a little easier. I will probably have a lot of double posts.
I know I have been MIA lately, and I'm working on getting back to blogging :-)
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