Much better day today

Thanks for all the kind words yesterday. Today is much better, and I had a meeting with Miss C today.


We talked about the kids and just about everything under the sun. I was a little frazzled, but we talked about a multitude of other things.
Among those things are changing the kids names, contact with the bio family and the most interesting development is the situation about us opening our license up again.

We had decided that once we move (we are house hunting right now) we want to open it back up for foster/adopt for an infant- under 18mo. I mentioned this to her and even said that if we had the beds I would do respite right now if we had the beds, but in this house we don't.

And then she mentioned a newborn who is looking like she will be removed from the home. Only a few weeks old. And I remembered I have a PNP that can go in my room and although I didn't say I definitely would, I told her I'm not entirely against taking in an infant right now (After yesterday I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea)

I'm not sure if it's a good idea, or if it would be good for Lil Man and Lil G- but it's out there. I talked to Lil Man and Lil G about it and they seem excited about the prospect of a baby in the house, but I'm sure they don't entirely understand. I am going to ask their therapist if she thinks it is a bad idea or not.

DH is on board, and I would LOVE to have a baby around, I'm just not sure I can handle it. But I know that if it is God's will- he will give me the strength (and the energy!) to handle it. So we will see how things pan out.

Today is a crack down day of sorts with the kids. They have been MUCH better and they seem to be back to my normal happy kids. Lil G is seeming to be the biggest problem- and I really think she was allowed to do whatever she pleased at FMoms house, and doesn't understand being expected to listen, and follow directions here.

So all in all, GREAT day. The best part was DH getting up with the kids and allowing me to sleep until 11am :D I told him I needed a break after yesterday lol.

Oh that? That's just crow

Yes, I posted that I'm not that mom that yells- well today I became that mom. Today has been bad. Very bad. Too much to post but let's say that I ruined dinner, my flour container (melted on the stove- I rock) and I spent the entire day yelling at my kids.

I'm tired. And crow does not taste good. How long does the honeymoon phase last? Because I think it's over. I hope it is. Today is bad.

::rummaging through cabinets for alcohol::

Jumping into parenting

We have jumped head first into parenting two Preschoolers, and it has been an interesting ride. I honestly don't know how I would have lasted the last month without Love and Logic. It's a parenting technique that quite a few of my Foster Mom friends recommended, and I started reading it even before we met the kids. I haven't even gotten all the way through the book, but every page I read helps me more.

This is the exact book I'm reading, and I've had it from the library for almost a month and a half.

The kids are testing us more and more, and today was the first day I really felt a L&L WIN. I took the kids to the park after quiet time so they could run off some energy. Lil Man doesn't really enjoy QT, but amazing actually slept for about an hour of it today.

We had a good time at the park until Lil Man had to go to the restroom. Thankfully the park we were at had semi clean facilities, so the three of us walked over to them. They aren't far from the playground area, but further than I was willing to leave Lil G by herself, so she walked with me. While Lil Man was in the restroom, she was playing. I turned my back for just a second to help him, and she decided to run back to the swings. Once I figured this out I was SO MAD. My first reaction was to yell at her until she realized what a bad idea this was. But with G that wouldn't work even if I had tried it. I yelled for a moment until she heard me from where she was (much further than I was comfortable with) and watched her until she got to me. I worked a little L&L magic and told her we would be leaving the park.

Boy did it work. She cried (which she always does) and was not happy, but she knew exactly what was going on and WHY we had to leave. And at bedtime she told me all about how she "didn't listen" and "ran away from me".

Lil Man has been a little harder to work with on some issues, but overall I have been SO happy for L&L. I am actually that calm parent that rarely yells that I never thought I would be!!!

And when I do yell (I have yelled at them a couple times this week, and then felt really badly) they take notice because I rarely do. It's amazing!!

I know things they will continue to test us, and we will have much worse days, but it's good to know that I can handle this!!!

In other news, G has gone two days now with no potty accidents. I feel like I'm potty training myself since she won't tell me if she has to go- but as long as I tell her, and I don't let her go more than an hour or so between potty breaks- the accidents don't happen! :D

Major update, and shift in focus

So things are crazy around here these days. Biggest news of all- I'm a MOM!!! Lil Man and Lil G arrived on 9/29 and things have been a whirlwind ever since.
The good, the bad and the fantastic.

• They both have been diagnosed with attachment disorder (can't remember the exact terms) but are in therapy and are actually doing quite well.
• TPR was on the 29th before they moved in and the Bio parents officially have no rights. 
• They are amazing kids and I love having them here, even in the bad moments.
• Lil Man is having some control issues, which is to be expected, and we are working on them.
• They call me "Mommy" on occasion as well as calling DH "Daddy". They are mixed in with our first names, and that is perfectly fine with us. 
• We have a meeting with the adoption worker next week, to get the process started, but it will probably take about 7 months. They have to be living with us for 6 before they can file anything. 
• Lil G is potty training, and we are on day 2 of just big girl panties (excluding naps and bedtime). Both days have yielded only one accident, so I count that as a success! I have to continually remind her to go potty, but I don't have to push hard to convince her to go, and she is good at holding her bladder, just not very happy about stopping whatever she is doing to go to the bathroom. 

So all in all, things are going great. Things are starting to sink in that I am a MOM finally, and that after all this time everything is right with the world. GOD IS GOOD. In case you weren't aware, I have two beautiful reminders of this on a daily basis. 

I'm going to try and change things around here. I feel like my blog needs a new look for this new phase. Who knows when I will actually have time, but I will be working on it. On top of that, the focus will be talking about the kids and my struggles/successes with them. I am sure the occassional IF topic will come up, and that is still a big part of this process, but our story has taken a big turn, and I think that my blog will definitely reflect that (if I can ever get back to posting regularly).

Stay tuned!!

Move in date was moved up!

Things have been VERY crazy around here. The kids have responded so well to us that CW has moved up the move in date. TO THIS THURSDAY!!

I am so very excited, and glad to not have to deal with FosterMom anymore, since she is making a lot of things difficult. But at the same time, it's so very surreal. Tonight I have been cleaning since everyone is coming here tomorrow to meet with the kids. We are telling them that we want to adopt them and that they will be moving in on Thursday. And I am on autopilot. I have a list of things to accomplish, and I'm mostly done with those. But the rest of the time I just feel numb to it all.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO THRILLED that the kids are moving in, and I can't wait- but I feel like it's not real. My every thought revolves around these kids, but they aren't here. So I'm a mom in that sense, but I still have all this free time! I'm trying to take advantage of it- I promise. But it feels like this isn't really happening. I'm sure once Thursday rolls around I will be FREAKING OUT!!

We will be telling the kids in about 12 hours and I can't wait for that. I am constantly wondering how they will react to that. I think Lil Man will be excited about it. But Lil G is rather attached to FM, and I'm worried that she will be upset at first. Either way, I know this is the best move for them- I just want it to be easy for them- which isn't really possible I suppose.

Lil G broke my heart a lot today. She asked for FM several times, which isn't like her. I think she knows what's going on and she's a little angry with me for not keeping her after this weekend. We had them overnight on Friday and then took them back on Saturday, and when we took them back she didn't want to go. It broke my heart to convince her to go back there.

I'm so ready for these kiddos to be with us. FM is making things difficult and constantly undermining me, so I'm just avoiding anything with her for the next 3 days. She is a control freak and is exerting her control. And that's fine. Because of the way she has acted in all of this she will not be seeing the kids again. Therapist thinks it's a bad idea and so do I. It makes me sad because this transition could have gone SO much better, but she wasn't willing to work on it.

I need to go to bed now since I have to be up at 5:30- but I hope things will go well tomorrow and telling the kids is a hit!

Sometimes being so much like my mom is a bad thing...

And some days, like today- it is a blessing.

I have been very frustrated with Foster Mom for the last few days. She has completely cut herself off from me, which isn't that big of a deal except that CW is completely uninvolved and FM and I absolutely HAVE to communicate at least 3 times a week, and not just in passing. There are a lot of logistics to work out in the next couple weeks.

DH and I have discussed a lot of things at length, but I've also ranted to my  mom a lot. And every time I do, she offers me advice. But I get irritated, because I've already *done* that. And then my mom just irritates me because I feel like she isn't hearing me. But she is. She is only hearing what I tell her, and I don't have time to tell her everything.

So today it occurred to me. My mom is telling me that I have to give FM some slack, because she loves these kids a LOT. And I realized- I HAVE been giving her a lot of slack. I have been as sensitive, and as kind and as accommodating as I possibly can be. I KNOW this is hard on her. I have only known the kids for a little over a week and I love them more than life itself. To have had them in her home for 4 months at this point? I can only imagine.

So every time I ask to see the kids, or ask for anything- it is *always* accompanied by "if that works for you. If not, it's no big deal". I am not exaggerating. I don't want to step on toes.

So as I'm talking to my mom, I figured it out. That is exactly why I am so frustrated. I am bending over backwards to help her get through this, and she is avoiding me, and when she *does* talk to me, she is questioning everything I do (at least it feels that way) and refusing to talk to me about the logistics. It feels like she is spitting in my face.





I can't actually do anything about this- but somehow just understanding my own feelings makes me able to get over it. I want to keep the kids overnight on Friday (for the first time) since it is Lil G's bday on Saturday. The kids would be back on Saturday early afternoon due to a previous engagement. I told FM this on Friday, and told her if it wasn't possible that was OK, we would celebrate on Friday with them when we have them for the day. But now she isn't wanting to talk about it. I'm not letting her just avoid me. If she doesn't want to- that's ok. But she is going to have to suck it up and tell me that- not just hope I forget and won't ask about it.

So I am over ranting about FM. She clearly doesn't want my help, so I will continue to be slightly accommodating, but I'm not bending over backwards. And I only have 2 more weeks to make this work.

Had a visit with the kids today

and I'm a little overwhelmed at all I have to buy.

They have basically NO clothes that fit/ are right for the season. FosterMom hasn't gotten her clothing allowance yet (supposed to be in her next check which is delayed) and it just got colder (literally two days ago) so they just have summer stuff.

So I have to buy all new stuff for this season. I am REALLY hoping she either gives me the clothing allowance or actually uses it on clothes- but she was totally freaking out about money all evening. I know that kids are expensive, and that the state is always late on payments, but it was almost as if she expected the payments from the state to cover everything....  Maybe I'm the only one who got the memo that it REALLY doesn't cover everything. 


If she doesn't, I will still be fine because I have a boatload of clothes coming from family and friends, and I'm heading to the consignment shops this week, but it was just a weird convo.

And on top of the clothes, I have all the other stuff, which I'm actually super excited about- it's just a LONG list.

We had a great visit, and Lil Man and I went to the park just the two of us (the first time we've been away from foster mom BTW) and it was so fun. He has the most infectious laugh :D

We came back and played a bit in their room and I hung out while the kids ate dinner. I finally left right before bedtime, but not before setting up a next visit. Looks like I'm going to be having them MWF while Fmom works. So I pick them up around 9am and then take them home sometime in the afternoon. DH is going to LOVE THIS. He was so upset that he didn't get to see them yesterday and we couldn't go this morning. He is so cute :D

I have tried to talk to Fmom about the move in date for two days and she won't return my calls, so I sort of told her about it during the kids dinner, but we couldn't talk much (vague comments about "The date" etc) because the kids don't know the whole story yet. We will probably tell them next week. Or when they ask, whichever comes first.

I also wanted to talk to her about a ton of stuff that I talked with the therapist about, but I couldn't with the kids there, and again- she won't return my calls. So I'm done trying. I told her while I was there to call me because I wanted to talk to her, but she basically ignored me. I know she is busy, and I know she has the kids around her nearly 24/7, but she almost seemed to not want to hear what I said. She told me she wanted to set the move in date for the 10th instead of the 6th, and when I said it was already set, she said she thought I should fight to have it on the 10th. No thanks, maybe if you had called THAT DAY when I said I needed to talk to you ASAP, we could have discussed it. You have ignored your way out of having a choice.

I brushed it off by saying that everything hinges on how the kids are transitioning. If they aren't ready, then they won't move then. I just left it at that.

All in all, a good visit, but I'm excited to start having the kids without Fmom so I can get a better idea of what's going on. I really hope that the move will be seamless and the kids will be glad to move in here, rather than doing it because everyone is telling them to.

Only time will tell!!!