Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Breaking point

I think everyone has a breaking point, and yesterday was mine. It was CD1 and I was excited to start this cycle and start the Clomid. And then I realized that I had a vacation scheduled for CD15-19. For me, this is a big deal since I usually O on CD19-22. My RE wanted me to have an U/S on CD16.

My cousin is going to afghanistan next month and this is my last chance to see him so I can't really cancel . And I don't want to change around the dates of our US because I don't want to miss our timing.

So we are taking ANOTHER cycle off. I was NOT happy about this fact. I was very angry, bitter and just sad.

And then I had another pregnancy announcement. I was THRILLED for them. I jumped up and down because these are two very close friends who deserve this more than anyone. She and I have been talking about TTC and babies for years. And just when they stopped trying, she got PG. I am still so thrilled for them.

And then I went home. And there were posts all over Facebook. And I lost it. Worse than I ever have. Over the course of the next hour I proceeded to cry and just lose my mind. I finally realized that I just CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. The pain of not being pregnant while everyone else is getting PG is too much.

And that was my night. At some point I had the realization that I HAVE to keep doing this, because giving up would be worse. But today I'm a little raw and of course DH is picking today to pick a fight with me and just be a big fat jerk.

I am considering just doing a regular clomid cycle with no U/S since I have a couple of refills and then I would at least ovulate and we might make the timing right, but then I wouldn't be out the $ for the U/S and other things. But I'm not sure that is such a great idea...