Monday, April 26, 2010

Haven't had much to say the last few days

I don't really know what to say. I've been waiting to wait some more ;)

I was on the progesterone for 10 days and now I'm waiting for AF to arrive. I was charting just for funzies and FF gave me an O date of the day I started the Prog LOL. I admittedly had my hopes up a little, and my temp stayed up this morning, but I'm just waiting for AF so I can start the Femara. Either way I have hope for next cycle. It can't come soon enough!!!

Other than that I have been pretty busy. I have family in town and I've been spending every spare second with them. We are chomping at the bit waiting to move, but we have to wait just a little bit longer for financial reasons.

Right now my cutie nephew William is playing with Elmo on my couch. I am going to go play with him now :)

Monday, April 19, 2010

Tattoo

I have one tattoo. I got it when I was 19. It's a cute tribal type tattoo of two butterflies. It holds no meaning other than I thought it was cute.

I have been wanting another for a couple years. Despite the fact that after getting my first tattoo, I said I NEVER would. Well of course, as I was told- I changed my mind.

This time I wanted something meaningful. I honestly couldn't think of anything that I would be willing to put on my body FOREVER so I have put it off.

A few weeks ago I tossed around the idea with DH of getting a tattoo to symbolize our struggle with IF. This is a journey that I will never forget, and will have an impact on who I am for years to come. So today I started looking around. I thought I might do something with a pomegranate, or something like that. And I came across THIS.  
http://www.lifemedals.com/infertility-awareness-symbol.html

The other option was to do a simple ribbon like Infertility's Common Thread.

I am hoping to get something put on my shoulder. But I'm a bit of a girly girl and I don't like graphic tattoos. I like pretty, dainty tattoos. Which is why I think I love the infertility awareness badge. It's pretty, and it's simple. I could keep it rather small and just have it on my right shoulder.

And now that I'm thinking about it. It seems to have a bit of symbolism to it. Something about carrying the weight of IF on my shoulder? No.... Hmm. I should stay away from all things symbolic. I'm too literal.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

RE Appointment

Well first off, it's official. I did NOT ovulate this month. It's CD 23 and I haven't had any sustained rise in temp.
SOOOO. I have been discouraged this week. And I was SO anxious for the RE appointment today. I was-for some crazy reason- afraid they were going to tell me the only option for us was IUI at this point.

Last night I did what I do best. I obsessed over research. I checked out our health insurance to see what injectables were covered. Because I was convinced that, at the very least, we would be going that route. I found out that when/if we go that route, it will be a minimal OOP cost each cycle.

So I was a bundle of nerves when we got to the appointment today.

I need to say, for the hundredth time: I LOVE OUR RE'S OFFICE!! The nurses are great, the med students are great and our Doctors are great.

We work mostly with Dr. F. She is super sweet.

So the nurse asked us a ton of questions, as usual and we waited for Dr. F. A couple med students came in to ask me more questions and go over my test results with me.

The cortrosyn stimulation test came back normal, which means that there isn't anything wrong with my Adrenal gland and it's definitely PCOS. The sonohystogram of course went well, and all is clear there.

The glocose test came back above normal. I think my 2 hr number was 150 or so. So that means that I'm not diabetic yet, but I definitely have an issue that I need to deal with. SO- I have to get a referral to an Endocrinologist. FUN FUN. The nurse told me I needed to be careful and eat less carbs, less sugar. Of course.

I will have you know that I am currently munching on carrot sticks instead of getting fast food lunch on the way home. I'm gonna make myself a salad or a sammich in a bit. I DO need to work on my health now. Because I am already at a higher risk for GD and I don't want to drastically change my eating habits in the middle of pregnancy. I'd rather already have made the changes I needed. to make.

So now I have the actual TTC update.

The med students asked me about Clo.mid. I told them that I am not totally against going back on it, but that I would rather not since I had such a bad experience last time.
They also asked about what does of Metformin I am taking since I did ovulate on my own last cycle, but I didn't this time. They asked about the side effects I had on the Met and if I would consider increasing the dose.

Dr. F came in and, as usual, she put me right at ease. She talked about my results and said that while she would like to do another SA and refer DH to a urologist, she wants to focus on me and my problems right now. She also said that she wasn't going to go back to Clo.mid since I have already had 4 cycles and I had a bad experience last time.

She also mentioned increasing my Met dose to 1000mg a day. She wants to stick with the XR because the side effects are less intense with the XR, which I have proved to be good with.


So the plan is Femara days 3-7. CD14 ultrasound and possible trigger shot (ovidrel)
I have an appointment in July for follow up if we aren't PG by then. At that point she wants DH to see the urologist and get another SA.



I start progesterone today to induce AF.

SO- I am SO excited about this plan. It's proactive and I feel confident. And I feel silly for worrying about IUI when we still have so many options.

YEAY!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Bad Day

Well, bad week actually.

It looks like I won't be having a baby in 2010. That means it will be 2011 before I have a baby in my arms, if at all. There is still a VERY slight chance that I might get PG this cycle. I'm only on CD18 and I might still ovulate.

But as we all know, hope can be a VERY delicate balance. You can't hope TOO much, or you will end up deluding yourself. But if you don't hope at all then what is the point?!?

So if I ovulate in the next 4 days, and get pregnant- then my EDD would be about December 31st LOL. So I might still end up with a 2010 baby...

But then of course- I have to stop myself from thinking like that, because of course- I need to be realistic. And I have an appt next thursday with the RE. And even if I don't O on my own again, we are going to have a PLAN!!! And the doctor will help us, and we will have a better chance of getting pregnant. So there IS HOPE!

So that? Up there? That insanity? That's my brain in the last week. I go back and forth between hope and realism.

And then I read stories like THIS one. An adoptive mother sends her 7 year old son back to Russia where she adopted him from. Apparently the boy had some emotional problems and was violent.

I don't know about others, but since I have explored the adoption option- I have been informed at least 4 times that any child we adopt could have any variety of problems. And when you adopt older children- the potential problems multiply!!

So I have a hard time believing that this woman was truly blindsided when the child she adopted presented with emotional and violence problems. She is an idiot. And to add insult to injury, the Russian government is considering freezing ALL american adoptions!

I am truly sorry for this poor boy and for any couple who is currently in the process of adopting from Russia!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Foster Care thoughts

DH and I have been thinking about foster care for a while now. We hit a point where we had to address the reality that I might never be pregnant. And we began to seriously think about Fostering to Adopt.

Unfortunately, we can't start the process until we move, which won't be for at least another couple months. But it gives us time to think.

During that time God really gave me a peace about our TTC struggles. He let me know in his infinite way that I WILL be pregnant at some point. Of course, this doesn't mean that I will get pregnant right now, or that it is going to be easy. But he has given me peace about that, and I thank him for that. If we decide to move on to Foster care, I can do so without feeling like I am giving something very important up. Because I truly want his plan for my life.

But yesterday I was thinking about the idea of a mixed family in the sense of biological and adopted children. I worried about the fact that if we foster after we have one or more of our own biological children, we will inevitably limit ourselves dramatically in what age range we will accept, along with other factors. Because our first priority WILL be our biological child. And I don't feel guilty for that.

So I already know that it will be harder for us. And I keep saying that I feel that foster care is something that Paul and I are called to. But am I only saying that until I have a child of my own in my arms? Am I REALLY willing to do foster care after we have our own child?

And if we do- how long will we wait? Should our child be 5? Will we try for a second biological child?

I know that I can't have all the answers right now, and all these questions really aren't about answers. I suppose I felt the need to examine my intentions. And I see very clearly that God may not allow us to get pregnant in this time so that we can adopt a perfect child for US. A child that we may not consider adopting after we have our own child.

I can't say that I will be very happy with that plan in this moment, because the petty side of me mourns the first pregnancy and first time mom things that I will miss. A shower, being able to be pregnant without taking care of another child, being able to care for a newborn without having to worry about my first child. But I know that God's plan is SO perfect, that all of those things will fade away in time. And those things aren't really important.