Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Mommy Guilt

It's a heavy thing. It weighs you down, and you often carry it everywhere.

I suffer from mommy guilt about many things. Having jumped head first into parenting with kids who were already 3 and 4, I'm learning as I go, and I am notorious for comparing myself to other moms. Ya know, the ones who gave birth to their children and have been doing this for 3+ years and have figured out how to manage their schedules with children. Because that seems logical in that moment.

In all reality- my kids watch too much TV, I lose my patience all the time. I spend too much time on the computer/cell phone because I'm stressed out, and I feel guilty because we spend a good amount of time at home, when I would rather be out doing things.

And those articles on parenting websites? They don't help. They make you feel like you are always making the wrong choice. Whether it be about what school to send them to, what carseat to buy, what food to feed them, and how you should arrange your schedule.

Today I choose to believe that my kids won't die from watching TV. That my sanity is important in their lives as well as my own, and that as long as I find a good balance, they will understand and they will get the attention they crave and deserve. I choose to believe that I don't have to be perfect, and that comparing myself to other moms will only lead me to destruction.

Of course, I will probably start the destructive cycle over again tomorrow, because every good mom I know suffers from Mommy guilt. But today, I'm giving myself a pass. And you too!

Lord, please help me to find balance in my life and not feel guilt when there is no need to. I thank you for all of my beautiful children, and I pray that you help me to do what is best for them, no matter what the circumstance.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Ok- I have a confession to make

I can't do it all.

No really- I can't.

And in case you weren't aware- foster care is HARD. I'm having a rather hard few days because of these two things.

So many people told me that I shouldn't accept a placement right now. For a variety of reasons. But when I tried to tell God that I wasn't going to accept a placement, he laughed. And now we have J. I don't regret this. I believe that this is God's plan. But because so many people told me that I shouldn't do this- I had it in my mind that I had to don my cape and do this PERFECT. Because ya know- I was going to show em all.

And about 4 days in- I had a nervous breakdown. Because this adorable little child is a tornado in my home. The laundry isn't done, the dishes aren't done, and the house is a mess. And my kids? Well they are driving me crazy because (understandably so) they are reverting back to one year olds and making things more difficult. Is anyone surprised by these things? I'm not. But somehow- I thought that I was going to overcome all of that and suddenly be supermom.

So- a few days ago- I decided that my house was clean (MESSY- but not DIRTY- a distinction I've decided is key) and that I was doing my best. And things have been a little better.

But my kids still test my patience. I feel like no matter HOW MUCH extra attention I give to my daughter- it isn't enough for her. Which makes me feel like I'm not enough for her. And I start to question my every move. Should I have called her into my bedroom while I was doing my devotions? Even though I begged everyone for 15 minutes to myself so I could calm down? Am I being selfish? Am I asking my kids for too much help? Should I stop putting my two oldest down for quiet times so I can take that time to spend with them? Will it help?

Etc. The endless commentary that is going through my brain and second guessing everything.

I REALIZE that at this point, nothing I can do is good enough for my daughter in her mind. All I can do is try to show her that I love her and nothing is going to change that. And pray with all that I have that she remembers this time with fondness instead of bitterness. I pray that she remembers that God has called us to care for orphans, and that he called our family to Fostercare.

And I pray that we make a difference in J's life. I pray that this impacts all of us in a positive light.

I could use prayers this week. I can handle J and the acts of caring for him. I could do that with my eyes closed (and admittedly do sometimes!! lol) But the rest of it has become challenging for me. And this is me admitting it. And requesting prayers. Because I can't do this by myself. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" I am repeating that to myself over and over this week.

Dear Lord, please give me the strength and grace to handle all that is thrown my way this week. I know that you called me to this work, and that this is your plan. I pray that my children feel my love, and don't doubt anything. I pray that you give me the energy to spread my love as much as possible and to help them feel that love.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Hello out there in blogger land

**WARNING** This is a sickeningly happy post. So if you are not in the mood to hear how much I love my life- I give you full permission to close this page. Because there was a time when I wouldn't have wanted to hear it.

SO much has happened, and I really should be sleeping right now- but it's not gonna happen, so I figured I'd write instead.

The last time I posted, we had just finalized the adoption, and everything was rosey and grand. Well things are even better if that's possible.

DH got a promotion, one that he had been wanting for the last year. We weren't expecting a raise, but it ended up coming with a pretty substantial one. We started looking for a new house, and are hoping to move in the next few months.
I started selling Thirty-One, which if you aren't familiar with- it's a christian based direct sales company that sells handbags and organizational tools. I LOVE it, and I have found that "thing" that I do that's just for me, and not for the kids or the hubby etc. That alone has helped my outlook on everything. The last few weeks have been heaven. I am feeling SO blessed.

And just when I thought things were perfect, I got a call. We welcomed a little boy who we shall call Junior yesterday. He is 13 months old, and such a happy baby. It is our first foster placement (as far as I'm concerned, my kids weren't really foster, since their parental rights were already terminated when they moved in) and we are riding the roller coaster. We have no idea how long he will be here, and I get to experience parental visits. We are taking him tomorrow for a few hours.

Junior absolutely ADORES A&G, and for the most part they really enjoy him as well. G is a little jealous, but she doesn't want to admit it and is trying to overcome it.

He has had a hard time sleeping (which is why I *should* be sleeping right now, while he is) but I think that's the new environment more than anything. I'm hoping I can get him on a schedule and be able to sleep through the night sometime soon.

And although today I'm more tired, more stressed, and my house is much messier- I'm also more blessed, more loved, and just as happy as I was before I got that call. This is an amazing time in my life and I couldn't be happier!

I'm hoping to continually update this blog with our foster journey. But who knows how well that will work :)