Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Mom is out of surgery

She is doing very well. I am in the food court waiting for her to get a room at the moment.

They didn't have to take her ovaries, and the surgery went as well as could be expected. All in all, Good news!!

It's been a long day, and it hasn't even really begun. I'm ready for a nap!!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Crazy week and prayer request

I am in FL right now, visiting my Mom. Sadly it is not a social visit, or a visit for Thanksgiving, although I will be here through Tday.

My mom had a procedure done a month or so ago to remove some polyps and it was discovered that she has Endometrial Carcenoma, which is a fancy word for a small cancerous spot in her uterus. Because she is already 51, and heading into menopause, they are doing a hysterectomy. The surgery is tomorrow.

Thankfully her prognosis is VERY good and they haven't even categorized the cancer as a stage. There were several "Pre-cancerous" spots and one small cancerous spot. She will probably not have to have chemo or radiation. We will know more about that tomorrow after the surgery.

My mom is handling it very well and is more concerned about her recovery than the surgery itself. She will be out of work for 6 weeks, unable to drive until she can wean herself off of her pain meds, and unable to lift more than 10lbs for several weeks. She will be limited to what she can do and my mother is NOT a person who handles limits very well LOL!

Please pray for her during surgery tomorrow, and pray for her doctors. I have faith that everything will go well in surgery, and she will be fine. I am fairly calm about it. I will feel MUCH better when it is all said and done and all the cancer is gone however.

I will update tomorrow, I'll be at the hospital most of the day. And thankfully they have free wifi!!!

Monday, November 15, 2010

I love it when an old favorite verse brings new meaning.

Before I go into what I'm talking about- AF arrived this morning. Not pregnant. So full steam ahead on adoption.

I belong to a close knit message board, and each year we do an ornament exchange. I got mine early this year, and it was from a fellow IF friend. She sent me a beautiful ornament of a Hopi fertility deity name Kokopelli. Along with this, she sent me a note with my favorite bible verse written at the bottom. Jeremiah 29:11. I'm sure many of you know this verse. I'm sure some of you- like me- have said it over and over like a mantra, especially during the trying times of IF.

I have loved this verse for many years, and today- I found new meaning.

She had written it in a translation that I hadn't seen it in before. After some googling, I discovered it was English Standard Version. I usually like NKJV or NIV, and the new translations usually lack a certain reverence that I appreciate. But this might just change my mind. Here is the translation.

11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

A FUTURE AND A HOPE. God WANTS ME to have HOPE! I've been working very hard in the last couple months to not hope. Because hope has gotten me nowhere. But hope is necessary! I have to hope! I have to believe that he WILL bring me a child, because he CAN. Because he is the be all and end all. He is The Christ.

This is huge for me. Especially with AF arriving this morning. I am trying not to hope that I will get pregnant on my own, or hope that we will fly through adoption preceedings. But why not? I can hope! I need to focus my energy on doing everything I can to fulfill God's plan. But hope isn't bad!

If I hadn't hoped as I did last cycle, I wouldn't have been devastated- and I wouldn't have come to the conclusion that we need to stop and pursue adoption. What if there is a child RIGHT NOW who is being born, or about to be born that is waiting for me to love them? Why is it bad to hope?

I know that the hope that I have could disappoint me. But God never will. So if my hope fails me, God will hold me up and give me the strength I need.

God really does provide. I truly needed this tonight. Thank you Lord!!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Relief, and more concerns

Finally making the decision to stop TTC for now and move to adoption has given me peace like I haven't had in a while.

And then I found google. And then I came up with a bunch of other worries.

What about my depression? I can't imagine that I would automatically be disqualified from adoption because of my depression, and since I've never been a danger to myself or anyone else I am hoping that it won't be a problem at all.

And then there are the logistics of Fostering vs domestic adoption. DH wants to foster, and while I want to as well, I don't think we will be successful with foster care because we are very specific in the age of a child we want to adopt (one infant, under the age of 6 months with no major health problems). So we are going to pursue both at the same time. But what about the financial aspect of this. I realize that I shouldn't have to pay much money up front to any adoption agency, but what if we put a lot of time into an adoption agency, only to have a placement with the foster care program that works perfectly for us? I'm sure God has a perfect plan for us, but it's one more thing to obsess about.

And then there are the finances in general. We have to start thinking about how we are coming up with the money.

And then there is the worry that no one will want to give me their baby. Why would they? Paul and I aren't rich by any means, and while we will provide a child with every need they could ever have, and many wants- we don't know if we will be able to pay for college educations, or weddings, or other things. We will live frugally and make sure our childrens needs are met. This is something that we are fine with, since it is important to us that I be a SAHM instead of having a lot of money.  But why would a birth mother be ok with this? She is wanting her child to go to a better home. Yes, I realize this is slightly irrational. But I've always had an issue with feeling unwanted or unwelcome in any situation.

And we aren't planning on staying in this house, so part of me wants to wait until we've bought a house (in theory around jan-feb) to start the process. But that reminds me of when we were moving before and I put off starting the foster care process. And I don't know if that's a good idea. I'm 98% sure that this house will pass a homestudy, so we could do that, and just get another one later when we buy a house, but if we have to pay for a homestudy than I don't want to pay for it twice.

And this is just the tip of the iceburg. The process seems so daunting to me right now. And then I freak out a little bit because I feel like I'm giving up again. Giving up on being pregnant. And I don't believe that- I have faith that I will be pregnant someday, but it's hard to remember that when I'm sitting in the last 2ww I'm going to have for a long time. I don't plan to go back on birth control, unless my OB/GYN wants me to because of the cysts. I don't like BCP so I don't want to.

My brain doesn't stop. And that's not really a bad thing. But my control freak self has found something else she can attempt to control. I feel like I have a greater sense of control over adoption. Even with all the things I can't control, it feels like something NEW I can attempt to control.

Man I'm crazy LOL!!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


That's my new description for how I feel.

Terrified of not being pregnant. Terrified of sinking deeper into this hole that I have found myself in again. The hole that took me SO LONG to climb out of. And terrified of letting myself get my hopes up only to be devastated again.

I didn't really blog about my last BFN, because I didn't know how to express what I felt. I think I was mostly ignoring it entirely. I was trying SO HARD to pretend that I was OK with the fact that I wasn't pregnant. And I was slowly sinking into a hole I didn't know was under my feet. And then I realized one day that I had sunk back down. I sat in front of the TV for an ENTIRE DAY. I did nothing except play on my laptop and watch TV. While my laundry and dishes piled up and my other commitments went by the wayside.

To some, this may seem like no big deal. This may seem like a dream for most overworked women. But for me it's a sign of a bad habit that I used to have.

You see, last year, and even before TTC- when I was in the worst of my depression- this is ALL I DID, day in and day out. Slowly with the support of my family and friends I made my way out of the house, but I was still utterly useless at home.

When we moved back home (to my hometown) and I started working out, and doing other things to help me with my depression, I honestly felt a lot better. I don't think I would say that I was out of my depression, and I still clung to my antidepressants with all I had. But I was FUNCTIONING!! I had a clean house, clean MATCHED socks (seriously- this is a huge thing in our household) and was meeting at least most of my commitments to the best of my ability.

It doesn't escape my attention that I felt this great when we weren't TTC. We took this summer off of fertility treatments. I didn't chart, I didn't worry about anything. I took a couple PG tests just to be sure that I wasn't one of those "miracle" stories you hear about women who just stop trying and get PG. But other than that- I wasn't worried about it. Yes, I still wanted a child- and yes I still mourned the fact that I wasn't pregnant- but it was different.

And after the last cycle, when I was SO CONVINCED that I was pregnant- I am terrified of this getting worse. Today I've felt better. In the last week or so I have worked hard to get back to where I was. And I'm getting there. I'm only slightly more motivated- but I'm getting there. I CANNOT go back to that place. I CANNOT be that person again. And I feel like I don't have a choice. I feel like because of TTC- I've put myself back in a place where it just gets worse.

I feel like I have an anvil hanging over my head. And it has an expiration date. Because I might be able to put off POAS- but at some point in the next couple weeks- I WILL find out whether or not I'm pregnant. Even if I don't take a test, AF will show and the same truth will be revealed. And then I will end up back in the place that could have ended my marriage if I had continued much further.

Sorry for the ramble, my feelings are all jumbled up right now.

I think we are going to make the next TTC break a lot longer than I was originally thinking. I was just planning on taking a month. But I'm seriously considering stopping altogether right now. My previous need to carry a child is gone. I don't care anymore.

So I think after AF arrives, DH and I are going to seriously pursue adoption. We are going to finally fill out our foster care paperwork, and see if that is even an option (we've decided that we want one baby right now, and that drastically reduces our chances of a placement) and then start seriously looking into domestic adoption. Although we were previously worried about the cost- we've reconsidered. We will make it work and as bad as it sounds- we have some family members (that are very blessed) that would gladly donate to the cause of expanding our family.

Please pray for me next week. I will be POAS on Monday. And AF should arrive tues or wed- unless I have a super long luteal phase like last time. I don't know how I will react, but I know that the only way I will be able to get through it is with God's help and strength.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Another PG announcement

So I usually try to be graceful when I hear another PG announcement. Especially if it's the new mom who is telling me the news herself. But today I was less than graceful.

Last night I went to a Lockin with our Youth group at church and didn't sleep all night. Then I went to our Church's Hillbilly Breakfast (which was TOTALLY worth the extra sleep deprivation).

As I was leaving, one of the girls cornered me and gave me a hard time about leaving early, and then suddenly dropped the bomb on me that she is "Probably Pregnant".

I'm not really sure what that even means- and I suspect that she is going to have either a "false alarm" or a miscarriage in her future. She is one of those drama queens that always has to have something REALLY DRAMATIC going on in her life. And she always tries to one up everyone else.

*Disclaimer- I'm not saying she's definitely lying, and if she does in fact have a M/C I will not discount her pain or show any sign that I don't believe her, but we all know that there are women out there that take advantage of the attention that a false M/C can give them. And this blog is my place to say the thoughts that I can't say out loud, for whatever reason. So I hope that this doesn't hurt anyone's feelings.

Anyway- when she said this I froze. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't say congrats, or even say ANYTHING. All I said was "I really have to go now". And then she ignored me and kept talking, and I said it again. And then she realized how stupid she was- and grabbed me and hugged me. And all the while I'm looking at the door just wanting to bolt LOL! Finally, after the third time I said I had to go- she let me, making sure to tell me not to tell ANYONE (for example, her FMIL who hates her and happens to be my mom's BFF).

I realize, that I could have been MUCH less graceful- but I hate to be anything less than downright cheery when I get PG announcements. Because now, for the next few weeks- I'm going to get those pity looks. The ones that say "I have NO idea how you are feeling, and I couldn't really care less- but I want you to know that I feel sorry for you and I'm SO glad I'm not you"

Ok- they probably aren't thinking that, but it's what it feels like. And I don't really care if she's upset with me, but I am surprised at myself for freezing like that. I blame it on the SEVERE lack of sleep, and the fact that she blindsided me like that. We were literally talking about breakfast and she just casually threw that in. LOL

In other news- I'm happily ignoring my 2ww. I am debating whether or not I'll make it to my test date- the 15th. We are going to MILs on the 13th, and the (very small) part of me that is still optimistic is thinking that telling MIL in person would be great.

So, I'll be working with that OCD for several more days LOL. I'm leaning towards waiting- but we'll see if I actually make it that long. ;-)