Sunday, October 31, 2010


GN- There were only 4 follies this morning, and although I didn't get the sizes (my dr was actually the one to give me the U/S, so I was picking her brain and forgot to ask the sizes) they were big enough to trigger. After thinking about it yesterday and chatting with a few IF friends, I was mostly concerned with any smaller ones that might be a problem. So we triggered, and now we just wait. I'm a little nervous about the risk for multiples, but I feel confident that we did the right thing moving forward, and my Dr was ok with it.

BN- We talked about where to go from here. I had decided that I was willing to move forward to Injects, like she and I had talked about before, but not until the new year- and not until we did another SA to be clear on what the whole picture was.

She burst my bubble on that one. Since I am already producing too many follies on Clomid- she thinks that doing Injects would just make me overstim SO much more. And then she said she thinks IVF would be our best option at that point.....

Now, I don't think Injects are completely out of the question, and we still might consider it. But she said that since I overstim- I would probably just end up canceling the cycle, and we would be wasting our money.

She knows that IVF is not an option for us right now, so she was really focused on this cycle, and then doing one more cycle of Clomid (that would put me at 6 cycles total) and then deciding from there.

I'm pretty happy with that.

I have a theory about my body and Clomid and I have no idea if it has any possible validity- it's just an opinion.
I know that Clomid stays in your system for quite a while. I think that Clomid stays in my system longer than most people, and that explains why my symptoms get worse with subsequent cycles, and why I produce more eggs with subsequent cycles, and why the ONE and ONLY time I have Oed on my own, was right after 3 Clomid cycles.

Again, just a theory, and if you are more knowledgeable than I am about this, feel free to tell me if I am wrong. But in my crazy mind, it makes sense LOL

For now I'm very happy with the appointment. My faith is stronger today, and as much as I don't want to admit that it's probably because of the good appointment, I know it probably is. But I'm trying hard to have faith in God.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Ok.... it's really hitting me now

I'm REALLY angry. I am so frustrated because honestly- we are at the end of our rope for right now.  The Dr wanted me to move to Injects a while ago, but since we only have 50% coverage, it will just cost us a bit too much right now. We are focusing our finances on paying down debts and building up savings. So although we could probably swing it- we are FINALLY getting back to a good point financially, and I don't want to spend that kind of money each month.

We could go towards the study at the local university- but I don't know if we will even qualify. And I've already been on the Clomid for 5 cycles- I really shouldn't do too many more.

All of this combined with my doubt in my intuition- and I'm scared that I will NOT get pregnant any time soon.

DH and I are back to talking about Adoption. I am starting to think that I want to do direct domestic adoption, instead of foster care- but again- it's about the money for us. We can apply for grants, and I've looked into other options, but then I start to wonder if we can save the money- would that be better spent on IF treatments? Or is it the other way around?

It's all just so confusing, and I'm not handling any of it right now.

I'm confused... and frustrated

So I had my U/S this morning. I had 4 Follies- 15, 15.5, 16 and another one that I can't remember the size.

I knew there were 4 when I walked out of the office, and that they wanted me to come back in a couple days for another U/S and my trigger...
They had me schedule an appt for both tomorrow and Sunday since they didn't know when they wanted me to come in yet.
They called me back a couple hours ago and told me I was coming in on Sunday. Ok fine. They also told me that I had 4 follies (Uhmmm... OK yeah I noticed that) and that they wanted me to abstain until we know how many of them mature.

Now... I only had 3 follies last cycle. And everything that I've seen (admittedly from Google) says that the norm is 2-4 follies, with 5 being the max for most doctors.

So I am thinking that I'm going to ignore the Dr about abstinence for these reasons-
I don't really want to cancel anyway, but if they DO cancel, I won't O until CD 19 at the earliest, so it won't really matter anyway. I will only O early if they give me a trigger, and if they do that- then I will be covered.... does that make sense?

And am I wrong about the 4 follies? Because even if they say they want to cancel- I'm considering telling them that I don't want to.

I am not exactly thrilled at the idea of multiples, but both DH and I feel that if God blesses us with more than 1- then he will give us the strength to handle it. Obviously we aren't going to make a choice that would put me in any danger, so if there were something like 10 follies then we would definitely cancel- but this doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me. I think my Drs office is just super conservative. 


Update- Yes I'm listening to my doc. I really don't want to risk high order multiples.

I have to take next month off because I'm going to be in FL during the week of O, and for a lot of other reasons that I can't quite talk about publicly yet. So I think I will talk to DH about doing a round of injects after the new year. And doing another SA and seeing a urologist in the meantime. Since his numbers weren't the greatest last time, I want to see if that was just that day- or if it's a real problem- or if we need to move straight to IUI or something. 

I'm rather out of hope right now. And beer. It's a bad combination. ;-)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I'm sure you've guessed by my silence....

That I am not pregnant. Took a test last Sat, and it was Neg, but it was only 12DPO so I was still holding on to hope. Took another test Sun, and BFN. Mon morn was my Beta and it came back at 0.

That was a bad day. It's been a bad week. All of that hope that I was holding on to came back to hit me in the face HARD. It wasn't just hope though.

And then, after the beta, my temp stayed up all the way until Thursday and AF didn't arrive until yesterday. So of course I deluded myself even further into thinking that maybe I WAS PG and that the beta didn't show anything because implantation occurred late and that if AF didn't show on Fri then I would POAS and it would be positive.

So yesterday was a bad day too. That's when it REALLLY hit me. When I REALLY realized that this was NOT the cycle. And while I didn't really cry (I got most of that out on the drive home from the Drs on Mon) I sunk into a depression. I was having an anxiety attack at the grocery store because I didn't want to be anywhere but safe at home, which was the last place I really needed to be for my own good.

I am a person who believes in intuition, gut feeling, instincts or whatever you want to call it. I suppose I feel that my intuition is how I can feel God's guidance. I've always had a "gut feeling" about just about anything in my life. And when my gut tells me to do something, or that something is or isn't going to work out- I generally trust it.

Well I was SURE that I was PG this cycle. I thought it was my intuition, and that God was giving me this assurance that this was going to work.

I was wrong. VERY wrong. I managed to delude myself into thinking that I could actually will myself to be pregnant. So this BFN wasn't just telling me that I wasn't pregnant, it was telling me that I can't trust my intuition or gut feeling anymore. I'm questioning a LOT of things.

Like the fact that I thought God had given me peace that I WILL be pregnant and have my own child one day. What if I just made that up in my head and convinced myself that it was God?

And it's not just about TTC either. I feel like I can't trust my instincts or my intuition about things like the guys my BFF dates, or about people that I meet. And I feel like I've lost a big part of who I am. I am second guessing every decision I make, and that has caused me to hole myself up at home.

I've tried to get out, because I am not a person who should be allowed to be at home alone for extended periods of time. My depression tends to get the better of me then. So last night I took my time doing a lot of things just to avoid feeling like I was sitting here alone.

All in all I'm doing a little better today. I am getting ready to leave to go to my nephew's 3rd birthday party. I am very excited for this and I can't believe he is 3, but I'm not looking forward to being around a bunch of people.

Tonight DH is taking me to see "Life as we Know it" which I am VERY excited for. I want to see that movie SO bad and every time I see a preview I get excited!

So I'm pulling myself back out, and God is helping me, although I admit that I am back to being a little angry with him and feel a bit like I can't here or feel him. It's very frustrating.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

POAS today

I REALLY told myself that I wasn't going to POAS 12 times this cycle. I'm amazed I made it this far LOL

I wanted to see if the HCG from the trigger shot was out of my system. I got my first ever BFP LOL. But it's a VERRRYYY faint line, so I'm not too worried about it.

I was having visions of getting a BFP and then getting the blood results back and being told that it was just the trigger shot that stayed in my system for too long. So I had to know. I am a control freak- I realize this LOL

So now- hopefully when I test in a week, and I get a BFP (we're being horribly optimistic this cycle, it's dangerous, but I've given up being cautious LOL) I will have the chance to be immediately excited and celebrate, instead of worrying that it's a false positive.

I was trying really hard to hold on to being cautious to protect myself from what will happen if it doesn't work. And it wasn't working very well. So I've decided that if I'm going to hope this much, I might as well put everything I have into it. I will have a nervous breakdown either way if this cycle doesn't work, so why not enjoy it now!! LOL

Am I crazy for that? Over a year of BFNs have taught me that hope is dangerous when it comes to TTC. And yet- this cycle I have dreamed and planned and played "What If" in my head a thousand times. I might as well be saying this stuff out loud! At least to my blog at least. :D

Here's hoping for a BFP next week!!! This has been the worst 2ww EVER!!