Monday, December 21, 2009

Updates

Well AF did in fact arrive. I am now on CD 5 and about to start Clomid again. BUT- I'm pretty happy about it. I have to schedule another Acupuncture appointment and I will be golden.
I truly feel that the acupuncture has made a huge difference with my depression, and now I am convinced it helped me ovulate as well.

I had my first counseling session today, and although it was short (I was 20 min late! WHOOPS!) I feel good about it. I get 5 free sessions with DHs EAP program, and I am seriously considering continuing beyond that. It all depends on how I feel after that.

Christmas seems surreal to me this year. I don't have any of my shopping done, and will have to do some after Christmas (we aren't celebrating with half our family til around New Years) And for some reason, I just don't have the Christmas cheer that I usually have.

Let's hope for another good cycle!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Mind Fetus

A friend of mine who had been TTC for quite some time coined the term "Mind Fetus". This is the condition that inevitably happens to a woman in the 2WW. Every single twinge, cramp, and breath is evaluated to discern whether or not you are pregnant. And often, you convince yourself that you in fact- ARE finally pregnant.

I have a mind fetus. I need to back away and stop, but I just can't. I have tried to reason with myself, but honestly- I've never been very good at listening to reason- especially from myself.

So I continue to have that internal debate with myself. The planning as if I really am pregnant, and then reminding myself that I might not be. The thinking of all the symptoms that convince me that I am... and then reminding myself that the symptoms of pregnancy are very similar to PMS, much to my annoyance. And of course, let's not forget the internal and forever debate of "To test, or not to test". This one I have failed miserably. As of right now I'm 8dpo, and I've already tested twice.

Again- I know LOGICALLY that the likelyhood of getting a positive is very small, but see... my self just doesn't want to listen. And often, self has a few choice words for me when I try to remind her of this. So I give in.

I am almost happy that I haven't had to deal with a 2ww before, I might have gone completely insane. Because having this many arguments with yourself isn't healthy!!!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Acupuncture and Ovulation!!!!

I had my second acupuncture appointment on Friday. It was very different from before and I think I am good with that.

I discovered that the insertion of the needles hurts less if I am not watching her and close my eyes. I was MUCH more relaxed this time and I was in there for the full 45 minutes but it felt like it flew by.

I fell like the depression is definitely slowly lifting, but I am still trying to stay cautiously optimistic.


BUT- the SUPER good news is that I OVULATED!!!!



I am a little upset with myself because we did not plan the sexins as good as we could have and ended up only BD on day of O and about 4 days before. SO- I am trying not to be too hopeful for this cycle but it's not working very well.

Either way I am truly giddy that I have FINALLY managed to make my body work at least a little bit right.

I called my doctor to set up an appointment for next week- per her request. My appointment will be on 13dpo. I am going to try and wait until then and talk to her- we shall see how that goes ;)

In other news I have been dealing with TONS of family drama. My cousin- who I am very close to and whose two kids are my favorite kids ever- has broken up with her idiot BF and is constantly freaking out.
Now she is usually a grade A basketcase- but this week has been worse. And in hopes of making life easier for my nephews- I do a LOT to help her. But it's making me stress out.

And to top it off, my estranged sister walked back into my life this week. She and I did not really grow up together. We share the same father, but separate mothers- and we are only 4 months apart (Hello! Scandal!! LOL) and when we were 5 we were no longer allowed to see each other.

We kept in touch sparsely over the years and more often after high school. But before I got married she stopped speaking to me. I blame it on the daddy issues from my wedding. She thinks that our dad chose me and not her. It's a whole lotta drama.

Anyway- I saw her at a restaurant I frequent and we are having lunch tomorrow. She suggested it and I have hopes that she has grown up a bit and is ready to have a relationship with me. And maybe I can establish a relationship with my little brother some day as well.

One day I am really going to have to type out my whole sordid family story. It so SO insane and sometimes I forget that my family IS NOT normal!! LOL

Wish me luck for a BFP!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Back Pain and New Wii

I have had some killer back pain since Friday. I gave in and got a massage on Monday. It helped immensely but apparently I have a few discs out of place in my neck and that is what is causing most of my pain. I have had back pain before and dealt with it by taking Ibuprofen for a few days and living on a heating pad. This time I am torn.
On the one hand, I was given a trick that might help, but there is no guarantee and there is still definitely a problem. On the other hand I have a slight distrust of chiropractors. I used to love them but after a few times of suddenly having to go "every week" I had to back away. Add to that the fact that the process of getting into a chiropractor with my insurance is a GIANT pain. I have to get a referral from my PCP, who when I mention back pain throws muscle relaxers and strong pain meds at me.
I think I will try the trick my massage therapist mentioned and if it isn't better in a week start the process to get into a chiro.

In other news, we bought a Wii!! I have wanted one for over a year, and made the decision about 8 months ago to buy one when we had the spare cash. I FINALLY got the money. I had really wanted a Wii Fit as well, to help with the weight loss. I got a GREAT deal during Tday week and most of it came in the mail today. I had to wait around the house all day for UPS to arrive, which was annoying- but I'm SO happy to have it.

I got a Wii Fit plus which is pretty cool. The upgrades are nice because you can set a calorie goal for the day. So I set it to burn 90 calories a day. I can do more of course but once I hit that it tells me and after each exercise tells me how many calories I have burned, and how many I have left.
It also has some fun new games. I loved the Kung Fu one.

I couldn't do as much as I wanted because of my back, but it was still fun.

As far as ovulating goes, I'm pretty much confused as heck. My temp has spiked, then dropped, rinse and repeat. I am getting negative OPKs and definitely no EWCM. So we continue having sex in hopes that it will come soon, but I honestly am so confused. ::shrug::

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Ok.... so I might have ovulated

Warning- This post is full of obsessive rantings. Yes I realize that I can't do anything right now but wait to see what happens, but I'm not so good at that.

Here is my latest chart, in case anyone cares.

I have officially moved into being hopeful and thinking that I might actually get PG this cycle. DH and I got into an indulgent conversation in the car about how we would tell some people.
And I need to stop. Hope isn't bad, hope is good- but I need to reel it in a bit before I start assuming I am already pregnant.

I would like to say that I would be great with just ovulating, but honestly right now I wouldn't be. I'm tired. If I at least ovulate I will be much more encouraged- but I'm tired of this whole process.

I am a horrible control freak. I blame my mother. She is ten times worse than I am. I just want to control MY life for the most part. She wants to control everyone elses ;)

Being such a control freak has made TTC absolute torture for me. I can't control ANYTHING about this. Other than my sex life. And that doesn't do anything towards making a baby. Which doesn't help my control problems.

I am just rambling at this point, but I am hopeful. I'm annoyed that my chart is so confusing, but I can just add that to the long list of annoying things about this process.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I am starting to get discouraged

This month is feeling very similar to the last failed cycle. I am on CD 16 and so far pretty sure I haven't ovulated and I keep getting negative OPKs. Although when I looked at my chart tonight I realized my temp spiked slightly. I wasn't able to get a temp on Friday since I didn't really SLEEP. I went shopping VERY early and didn't sleep until around 11am and then only for an hour or so. Then I went to be at 9 last night.


I'm not sure what this is. My charts are extremely annoying. And I can feel myself starting to talk myself down. I am trying to keep up a little bit of hope but I'm back to being REALLY angry with my body.

I know that false positive OPKs are common with PCOS- but I can't help but wonder if it affects negative results as well. I'm too tired to look it up. I will tomorrow when I get home from church I suppose.

I truly did have a wonderful thanksgiving and got some decent deals yesterday.


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Acupuncture Review

WARNING- This first part is a bit long and detailed. If you want the short version- scroll down. 

This afternoon I had my very first acupuncture appointment. I was very excited albeit nervous about the process. I got there on time, filled out all the paperwork and didn't have to wait very long at all.

The acupuncturist brought me back to an area with a few chairs and we discussed the ailments I had listed on the paperwork. My two focuses were the PCOS (and irregular cycles/anovulation caused by this) and my depression. I had also listed problems with my knees, although I wasn't focused on fixing that particular ailment.

After we discussed all of that she gave me a very brief rundown of what to expect. She then led me into a room with approximately 5 chairs, and a few other things. This was clearly a room used for massage and other treatments. I was led to one of the chairs (which reminded me of a lounge beach chair) and instructed to take off my shoes/socks and place them in the plastic bin under the chair.

After I sat down she asked if I could roll my pant legs up to my knees since she wanted to work on my knee problems during this session. I was able to and she started inserting the needles. She had mentioned that the needles shouldn't hurt after they are in, but they would pinch and sometimes hurt a little when going in.

She started on my ears, telling me that she has had a lot of luck regulating cycles with the ears. She then moved to my left wrist and this was the one that hurt the most. She tapped one of the needles in and then had to insert it a little deeper and it was like a current sort of. Not painful really, but not comfortable. Once it was in however, it did not hurt. She then moved to my knees, and my right wrist, and then back to my other ear.

She had originally mentioned leaving them in for 45 minutes, but after I mentioned my inability to sit still for long, she shortened it to 30 or so.

SHORT REVIEW

Overall the treatment was very relaxing, despite the fact that I couldn't get my mind to STOP. And I still couldn't stop fidgeting but I think I was able to keep it under control enough so that it didn't hinder the process.

She suggested that I come back weekly, and I scheduled another appointment for next week.
I felt like she could have explained some things better, but I think sometimes my "research it all" attitude leads doctors and others to feel that I don't need as much explaining... I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I asked Paul to tell me how he feels it worked as far as the depression goes. I feel better today, but I am cautious to be too optimistic. I could just be in a good mood today, but tomorrow or next week could be worse. I feel lighter, which to those who have been depressed before this should make plenty of sense.

My knees feel fine, but again, I'm just waiting to see longer term results.

I am by no means being skeptical. I am worried that I will end up with a placebo effect that won't last however, so I'm trying to find that balance.

So hopefully in the next few weeks my posts will be much lighter and I will continue to be productive. I have much to do tomorrow and it would be nice to get it all done for a change.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Update of sorts

Paul has been on vacation this week, and it's been a vacation of sorts for me as well. We laid around, read and did a few house projects. I got through 4 books and thoroughly enjoyed myself. We only fought once in the week, which for us lately is a feat. I think he really needed the break. I don't pretend to think that he is the only one at fault for us fighting, but it sure is easier to NOT fight with someone who isn't snapping at you all the time.

In other news, I am going to my first acupuncture appointment tomorrow morning. I had originally done research on the effects on acupuncture with fertility treatments, and had found glowing reviews. Then I learned a bit about its effects on depression and I was sold. I am getting increasingly excited about this appointment. I'm not getting my hopes up about any help I may receive with this cycle, since I'm about halfway through already, but if she can help with even my depression that would be fantastic.

We had a conversation this evening about TTC. I told him I am considering taking a break if this cycle doesn't work. I just don't want to deal with it all right now. I don't know if I really will, but right now I can't for the life of me remember why we started all this.

This led to a discussion about what we wanted. I have felt for a while like Paul didn't really care about TTC. He has always been VERY pro adoption. I am as well but having a biological child is very important to me. I want to have OUR child. I want to see his smile on a child with my eyes. And I have felt that the doesn't want this as much as I do and he has pushed on more than one occasion to start the adoption process. Tonight I asked him why. Turns out I could have saved myself a whole lot of anxiety. He was under the impression that I was feeling pressure to give him a baby.Or as he put it "to give me a SON" LOL. I am amazed at how much we misunderstand each other sometimes. His enthusiasm was only his way of telling me that it was OK if at any point I don't want to try anymore.
I love that man. Even if he is so very maddening at times.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Seeing Red

I have never been so happy to see my period in my life. I was so afraid that the progesterone wouldn't work, like last time. But AF arrived yesterday.

So now we start the Clomid and wait.

I have been in the dumps for a few days. Part of this was due to me preparing myself for another postponed cycle, and the other part was running out of my anti-depressants and not having them for 4 days. I hate being so dependent on these. I literally cannot function without them. I can hardly function with them. It's very frustrating.

I have been depressed before, as I've posted about- but somehow this time has been so much worse.

I'm just rambling now. I'm going to head to class and then get ready for my girls night out. I desperately need this. We are doing dinner and a chick flick. I am ridiculously excited. I need some estrogen ;)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

A few updates

I have a few random thoughts that really don't make a coherent post... so here we go.

First of all, I will be getting baptized for the first time on Sunday. It came up rather quickly and my husband and I will be doing it together. I have appreciated the comments about faith. I have been doing a bit better, and I think the new doctor has helped me feel better about the entire situation and move forward. I am still not in a great place, but God has showed me quite a few lessons in the last few days, and I think this baptism will truly be a renewal for me. Pray for me as I deal with my emotions on the situation this week.

I threw out the Paleolithic diet after starting the Metformin. I hate it- the Met that is. It made me so sick and a friend of mine informed me that following the GI diet helped to ease the side effects from the Met. Shortly after DH became sick of the Paleo diet and decided to stand with me on the GI diet. So I've ordered a book from Amazon and am learning as much as I can online for now. If anyone has any advice or good links I would appreciate it!

As I mentioned, I was having problems with the Metformin. Without going into too much detail I will just say that I didn't eat much of anything on Saturday because my stomach was so unsettled. And I spent plenty of time in the restroom.
I sought out advice from a few friends who have been through this and learned a few tricks. As of today I haven't had any side effects! I'm going to increase my dosage tomorrow in hopes that my body has adapted, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I am really hoping that the Met works, because if I have to go through this for nothing, I won't be happy LOL.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Diet

I have never been great at managing my weight. I pretty much eat what I want, when I want and I am the equivalent to a bump on a log. But this last week has changed my outlook. Not really for myself, but for DH as well.

A friend of the family passed away this week. She was only 32 and she had a heart attack. I was absolutely shocked. And scared.

My DH has a LONG line of heart problems in his family. Not to mention Diabetes and other health problems. He is forever saying that he will die young. And for the last four years, all I have done is yell at him to not say that. And then file it in my head to deal with "later". Because in my mind- we still had time to worry about it. We are young! He is young!! Well- Beth (the friend that died) was only 5 years older than DH. 5 YEARS!!

This hit me very hard. I realized that we didn't have as long as we thought to work on getting healthy. And I am scared of how my already high weight is going to affect being PG.

So as of today we are starting a Paleolithic diet. It's sort of extreme, but I am excited about it. The idea behind it is a "Hunter and gatherer" diet. Basically only fresh veggies and lean meats. No potatoes, pasta, grains or breads. Among many other things.
The idea is that many foods have toxins, and many many years ago before there was the option of cooking foods- the above foods were considered poisonous. It wasn't until someone discovered that they could cook most of the toxins out of the foods, did we start ingesting them.
But some of the toxins still remain, and they can have many negative affects on our body. We have friends who have been on this diet. They have gotten great results not only in weight loss, but in mind clarity and energy levels.

I am a little scared that I won't be able to stick to it, but I have a low GI diet in my backpocket to stick to if this is too much. The actual diets are similar, so it shouldn't be too hard to mesh them together.

So this blog will be a combination of diet news and TTC news. If you have any questions about the Paleolithic diet- look here.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

My Doctors appointment

I had an appointment this morning with my old OBGYN. I went to her last year before we decided to TTC and I really liked her, but she left her practice and moved to a practice further away from me. I didn't think I wanted to drive that far, and decided to find one closer to me.

I found my previous Dr. We shall call her Dr S. Dr S was ok at first, although I felt a tugging at my gut that she wasn't right for me, I didn't listen. Quite a few things went wrong in the six months I saw her. The biggest was a withholding of test results from my Pap smear. Apparently my Pap from March came back slightly irregular and I wasn't informed until they realized that I had HPV from my bloodwork. Apparently I was supposed to have been told, but there was a miscommunication. Add to that fact the other issues I had with her regarding my diagnosis and treatment, and I very swiftly decided to leave her practice.

So I made an appointment with this practice-with my old Dr- we shall call her Dr C- three weeks ago. It was killing me to wait this long, but I really wanted to go to HER.

We ended up having to wait a total of 2 hours because she had a birth this morning. But I wanted to see her and not a midwife, so we ran some errands nearby. It ended up not being that bad. And it was worth the wait.

She recognized both my name and face from almost two years ago and was very happy to see me. I went over ALL the information and the last seven months of TTC. She was very understanding and listened until I got it all out. She told me it sounded to her that I DID have PCOS- but she would have to confirm with the bloodwork. Dr S never gave me a straight answer and that had become a problem. This was the diagnosis that made the most sense, because I have all of the main symptoms, but I'm not a doctor.

Dr C prescribed Metformin and Clomid for this cycle. She said she has seen better results with PCOS and Metformin which made me REALLY happy. She also gave me Provera to induce a period so we can start this cycle.

And the cherry on top was the fact that she asked me about my IF coverage and listed the appointment under irregular cycles instead of IF consult so my insurance would cover it 100%.

All in all I am very pleased and feel rejuvenated about TTC. I also think my husband was VERY happy when we were ordered to have sex every other day once we feel that I am ovulating/will ovulate. What man wouldn't!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Vacation

I'm not sure that many people would understand that spending six days with a toddler really is relaxing. It helps that the toddler is possibly the easiest kid on earth, but I am more clear and relaxed than I have been in a long time.

I struggle with depression and have for a long time. The last year and a half I have been on anti depressants to manage that. It worked for a while but with the complete disaster that my life has been, I am still in a bad place most days. I had a plan for my life. School, career THEN kids. Well my career was tanked, and while that wasn't really my main priority- it was my focus at least for the next five years. And when I lost not one but TWO great jobs in 6 months, I was confused. I AM confused. Then when I changed my focus to having kids, it was a little better, but I couldn't focus THAT much on getting pregnant when my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to.

So for the last few months I have really struggled. Combine my depression with the multiple pregnancy announcements (6 in less than a month and two of those were accidents) I plunged pretty deep. I was pulling myself out of it a little when I headed to VA. I wasn't functioning well on a day to day basis, but at least I was leaving the house. And often.

And now I have spent 6 days mostly alone. While I love Leah, she isn't much for conversation. I have been able to lose myself in a good book, relax and pretty much be alone with my thoughts. Yeah, I have a kid to take care of and hang out with, but she really is easy. We read books together, giggle and watch some TV. It's probably not the most stimulating for a toddler, but I'm auntie- I get to spoil her ;)

And after the six days my head is a little clearer. I still don't know what my focus is, but I know that I can and WILL pull myself out of this. Maybe that should be my focus. My antidepressants at this point are keeping me breathing, but that's about it. I can't imagine what kind of state I would be in without them.

When I go home, I am hoping to appreciate my hubby more, appreciate my life more and get myself back on track.... I'm not really sure WHAT track, but functioning on a day to day basis has to be a good place to start.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Airports

So I left this afternoon to head to Virginia to babysit for my Goddaughter. Leah is 20 months old and the most awesome kid in the world. Really- don't tell me how awesome your kid is, because Leah is the smartest, funniest, cutest kid EVER in my eyes. There is no comparing. My cousin Lisa, who is my BFF- finally gave in and decided to take a vacation with her husband. They leave tomorrow night for a 6 day cruise. And I am taking care of Leah that entire time

I will admit it. I am terrified. Terrified that I am not as good with kids as I think. Terrified that she will hate me, even though she has loved me every other time she has seen me. I'm terrified that I'm gonna come home and not want kids anymore (come on, she might be awesome, but she is still a Toddler)

So for the last week I have been focusing on that. And I was supposed to get into Newport News at exactly 6:55pm. We were going to have dinner and then I was going to do Leah's bedtime routine to try and get her (and ME) used to what is going to happen for the next week.

And then Air Tran Airways completely screwed that up. My flight out of Detroit was supposed to leave at 2:54pm. I think we ended up leaving at around 3:30. And guess what happened? I missed my second flight. So here I sit- in Atlanta. Waiting for my 9pm flight. I am going to miss bedtime, and the dinner I was looking forward to with my BFF.

And instead, I am sitting in the airport lonely and watching families and pregnant women everywhere. I used to think that pregnant women followed me. Or maybe that God was taunting me with them. It seemed that everywhere I looked, someone near me was pregnant. Now I think it's more about me and who I notice.

I have always been a people watcher. I love to watch people, and figure out their story. Most times I compare myself to them. I should do my hair like that. I wish I was better dressed. You get the story. I feel like my eye searches for families and pregnant women. I love to watch kids, and now I love to watch pregnant women. Just to see how they act, if I think they are grateful for the life growing inside of them.

I have exactly 1 hour and 45 minutes left in Atlanta. I need someone to entertain me. Clearly you see what happens when I am left alone with my thoughts. I tend to ramble.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Faith

In the last two years, my life has been shaken up quite a few times. That's another story for another day however.

I had come to accept that God was in control of my life. And for a while, I was even ok with giving him control of our TTC efforts. But somehow along the way I have tried to take it back little by little. And it's not that I don't believe that his timing is best, I do- believe me. But somehow, I have backed off and God and I are not really on good terms right now. It's not that I don't believe he is there, or even that he cares about us. And it's not that I am angry with God. I'm just frustrated. I don't understand his reasoning. And that's what bothers me the most. I would be fine adopting if we couldn't conceive (ok- not at first, but I would be ok eventually) but I DON'T KNOW.

That is the WORST part of IF for me. The not knowing. Not knowing if the clomid will work. Not knowing if the OPK was a false positive or not. Not knowing if this is the ONLY problem. Not knowing what the next year of my life will mean. And isn't that what Faith is? Trusting God's plan for your life even when you DON'T KNOW. That has always been a problem for me. And this verse seemed to help in the past, I think I will have to sticky it on my desktop or something:

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


I trust that... at least most of the time. But when I see my cousin, who has two kids, a gangster boyfriend and is a mediocre mom at best- get pregnant accidentally, it just gets me in the gut. It is NOT FAIR. And life is not fair, I know that. If I got everything I deserved, I would haven't my salvation. But somehow that's of little comfort when I can't make my body do what comes so natural to most women.

My faith in God and my relationship with him has made me uncomfortable in church. I assist with our youth group and I love these kids, and I love spending time with them and helping them, but a part of me wonders if I am doing them any good right now. How can I influence them to trust God in their lives, when I can't seem to trust him in mine?


Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Assvice

A friend of mine who has also suffered from IF coined this term in reference to the advice that you inevitably  hear when you are unable to conceive as quickly as you would like. Assvice. As in- it's coming out your a**.

I have been hearing a LOT of it from my family lately, and I have noticed that I tolerate it much more from some people than others. For example- my aunt, who I love and care for and knows the whole story and just give me a hug when I need it. She sometimes tells me if I just relax, it will be fine. I don't like it, but I tolerate it because I know that she just has nothing else to say anymore.

And then there is my cousin. She is a harsh person who always says what she is thinking and it often makes me feel like crap. Well when I made a comment to the lines of "Everybody is pregnant" she told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to "Chill the f*** out"

Thanks. Really. That's gonna help. Is THAT what it's going to take to make my ovaries work? WHY didn't I try that before? I'm SO glad you set me straight on that.

I used to try and explain why relaxing won't work for me. But now, I just nod and change the subject. Because explaining inevitably leads to more useless advice and I'm just tired of it. Especially from people who really just want to hear themselves talk.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

About me

My name is Stephanie and I have been married for two years to my wonderful DH Paul. From the time we met we knew we would have a family and that it was a priority for us. But it wasn't until we started trying that we realized how badly we wanted it.

I have been working with my OBGYN until now, but I have left her practice because I was not informed of some important test results. I am waiting right now to get into another OBGYN so that we can move forward, and hopefully move on to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.

As of right now I am pretty sure I have PCOS- and my previous doctor sort of confirmed that, but as I have already posted- she wasn't very reliable or communicative.

I am going through a lot of feelings lately, including bitterness, anger and almost desperation.
I am hoping to get my feelings out via this blog. I know that I am not alone and that many people struggle with the same things that I struggle with.