Friday, October 23, 2009

Vacation

I'm not sure that many people would understand that spending six days with a toddler really is relaxing. It helps that the toddler is possibly the easiest kid on earth, but I am more clear and relaxed than I have been in a long time.

I struggle with depression and have for a long time. The last year and a half I have been on anti depressants to manage that. It worked for a while but with the complete disaster that my life has been, I am still in a bad place most days. I had a plan for my life. School, career THEN kids. Well my career was tanked, and while that wasn't really my main priority- it was my focus at least for the next five years. And when I lost not one but TWO great jobs in 6 months, I was confused. I AM confused. Then when I changed my focus to having kids, it was a little better, but I couldn't focus THAT much on getting pregnant when my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to.

So for the last few months I have really struggled. Combine my depression with the multiple pregnancy announcements (6 in less than a month and two of those were accidents) I plunged pretty deep. I was pulling myself out of it a little when I headed to VA. I wasn't functioning well on a day to day basis, but at least I was leaving the house. And often.

And now I have spent 6 days mostly alone. While I love Leah, she isn't much for conversation. I have been able to lose myself in a good book, relax and pretty much be alone with my thoughts. Yeah, I have a kid to take care of and hang out with, but she really is easy. We read books together, giggle and watch some TV. It's probably not the most stimulating for a toddler, but I'm auntie- I get to spoil her ;)

And after the six days my head is a little clearer. I still don't know what my focus is, but I know that I can and WILL pull myself out of this. Maybe that should be my focus. My antidepressants at this point are keeping me breathing, but that's about it. I can't imagine what kind of state I would be in without them.

When I go home, I am hoping to appreciate my hubby more, appreciate my life more and get myself back on track.... I'm not really sure WHAT track, but functioning on a day to day basis has to be a good place to start.

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