Friday, February 26, 2010

Mothers

Why is it that the ONE person in the world that can make me doubt everything about myself is my mother? I was answering a question she had about TTC/PCOS and it turned into a bit of a rant about why I wished my Doctor would have mentioned PCOS to me at 15 when I was put on BCP for cysts and irregular cycles. I also had dark facial hair and was a bit overweight, especially in the belly BTW.

I won't go into all the details, but my Mother apparently thinks that I would not have take anything the doctor said into consideration no matter what happened.

Now, I disagree. I think that at 15 it would have been nice to know that the facial hair I had and the abnormally long and dark arm hair were because of a horomonal imbalance. Because seriously, I was teased because of those things. Not that the teasing would have stopped, but at least I would have been able to make the person teasing me feel a little bit bad. Or at least make myself feel better.

And maybe I wouldn't have cared or listened to anything the doctor said, but ya know- as my mother, she should be a little angry that this wasn't presented before as well. And I know the reasons it wasn't, but I wish my doctor would have at least mentioned it as a possibility to keep in mind in the future.

All in all, my mom has been great through the whole process of TTC. She had a very hard time getting PG with me and only did after an HSG. In fact, for the first six months of TTC, she kept telling me to get the "dye test" because she is convinced that's why she got PG.

After about the 8th time of explaining to her that it didn't matter if my tubes were open if I wasn't ovulating, she finally shut up LOL.

And maybe I'm just a little sensitive right now, but I'm frustrated. :(

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Thank you for all your support

It's been a bad couple of days, as you can clearly see from my post yesterday. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. And you'd think I would be used to that at this point.

Today was a pretty good day as days go for me. I skipped school, which is BAD, since I need to do well this semester. I wasn't planning on it, but when it came time to leave- I just couldn't. Just when I think I have a handle on this depression, it kicks me in the butt again. Leaving my house causes anxiety. And there are some things that I have to face the anxiety for, and those things change daily. Most of the time, the list is my grandmother, my nephews, church and school. And usually my  BFFs. Some days that it limited to just my grandmother or my nephews. And even then, sometimes I put it off. Things like getting an oil change and going to the bank somehow always get put off. I finally deposited my student loan check that has been sitting in my van for two weeks now....

The good parts included finishing two and a half loads of laundry, finishing my menu for the week and going grocery shopping. I also deposited the check as mentioned above, but only because I was already out. And the best part of the day was spending it with my nephew Joshua. I am seriously in love with this kid. He is at that age (13 mo) where it seems that EVERYTHING he does is cute. He walks cute, he eats cute (albeit messy), he talks cute etc. And he and I are BFFs. Here is a cute pic of my favorite guy in the whole world (sorry honey, he trumps you)
 

As you can imagine, one evening with this guy and suddenly the world seems brighter.

And after DH took him home, I realized once again how much I love this kid. And I thought about how it will feel different than the love I will have when/if I have a baby. And then I thought about the teens in my youth group, who I love very much as well. Maybe I'm just meant to love other peoples children. Because trust me, if I could just keep Joshua and get away with it- I would be a happy woman! LOL

Only God knows the plan for my life, but I keep looking for clues as to which way I'm supposed to go. Because honestly- this is getting frustrating. But then again, what about this journey ISN'T frustrating?

I really appreciate all of your supportive comments. I swear I will get better at responding, but right now it's all I can do to try and keep my brain straight.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Screw PCOS

I have been doing a lot of research about PCOS because I'm considering doing some alternative treatments.

And I came across some links on Soulcysters about the links between PCOS and depression. And ya know, I have been depressed for a LONG time. I've been struggling with it for about 8 years on and off.

It's just ONE more thing on that list of crap that PCOS has screwed up ya know?

AF arrived on my bday, which was Monday. I tried to keep it together so I wouldn't ruin my birthday, but yesterday I just let it hit me and I decided to take a break from TTC for a couple months. This last cycle has been really hard on my body and emotionally too.

I just want to SCREAM right now. My depression has screwed up a bunch of stuff in my life. Granted, I hold a lot of responsibility. But if it wasn't for the depression I probably could have handled things a LOT better in the past.

I am angry about a lot of things, but today is a culmination of my anger at my body. I suppose it's a long time coming since I have been trying to repress it for a couple months now.

I am angry because I have to take a break for my mental sanity. I'm angry because I have had to put my body through all this for what seems to be nothing. I am angry because I'm fat and someone asked me last week if I was pregnant. I am just downright angry.

So yeah- screw PCOS. It sucks.