Monday, September 26, 2011

Move in date was moved up!

Things have been VERY crazy around here. The kids have responded so well to us that CW has moved up the move in date. TO THIS THURSDAY!!

I am so very excited, and glad to not have to deal with FosterMom anymore, since she is making a lot of things difficult. But at the same time, it's so very surreal. Tonight I have been cleaning since everyone is coming here tomorrow to meet with the kids. We are telling them that we want to adopt them and that they will be moving in on Thursday. And I am on autopilot. I have a list of things to accomplish, and I'm mostly done with those. But the rest of the time I just feel numb to it all.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO THRILLED that the kids are moving in, and I can't wait- but I feel like it's not real. My every thought revolves around these kids, but they aren't here. So I'm a mom in that sense, but I still have all this free time! I'm trying to take advantage of it- I promise. But it feels like this isn't really happening. I'm sure once Thursday rolls around I will be FREAKING OUT!!

We will be telling the kids in about 12 hours and I can't wait for that. I am constantly wondering how they will react to that. I think Lil Man will be excited about it. But Lil G is rather attached to FM, and I'm worried that she will be upset at first. Either way, I know this is the best move for them- I just want it to be easy for them- which isn't really possible I suppose.

Lil G broke my heart a lot today. She asked for FM several times, which isn't like her. I think she knows what's going on and she's a little angry with me for not keeping her after this weekend. We had them overnight on Friday and then took them back on Saturday, and when we took them back she didn't want to go. It broke my heart to convince her to go back there.

I'm so ready for these kiddos to be with us. FM is making things difficult and constantly undermining me, so I'm just avoiding anything with her for the next 3 days. She is a control freak and is exerting her control. And that's fine. Because of the way she has acted in all of this she will not be seeing the kids again. Therapist thinks it's a bad idea and so do I. It makes me sad because this transition could have gone SO much better, but she wasn't willing to work on it.

I need to go to bed now since I have to be up at 5:30- but I hope things will go well tomorrow and telling the kids is a hit!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Sometimes being so much like my mom is a bad thing...

And some days, like today- it is a blessing.

I have been very frustrated with Foster Mom for the last few days. She has completely cut herself off from me, which isn't that big of a deal except that CW is completely uninvolved and FM and I absolutely HAVE to communicate at least 3 times a week, and not just in passing. There are a lot of logistics to work out in the next couple weeks.

DH and I have discussed a lot of things at length, but I've also ranted to my  mom a lot. And every time I do, she offers me advice. But I get irritated, because I've already *done* that. And then my mom just irritates me because I feel like she isn't hearing me. But she is. She is only hearing what I tell her, and I don't have time to tell her everything.

So today it occurred to me. My mom is telling me that I have to give FM some slack, because she loves these kids a LOT. And I realized- I HAVE been giving her a lot of slack. I have been as sensitive, and as kind and as accommodating as I possibly can be. I KNOW this is hard on her. I have only known the kids for a little over a week and I love them more than life itself. To have had them in her home for 4 months at this point? I can only imagine.

So every time I ask to see the kids, or ask for anything- it is *always* accompanied by "if that works for you. If not, it's no big deal". I am not exaggerating. I don't want to step on toes.

So as I'm talking to my mom, I figured it out. That is exactly why I am so frustrated. I am bending over backwards to help her get through this, and she is avoiding me, and when she *does* talk to me, she is questioning everything I do (at least it feels that way) and refusing to talk to me about the logistics. It feels like she is spitting in my face.





I can't actually do anything about this- but somehow just understanding my own feelings makes me able to get over it. I want to keep the kids overnight on Friday (for the first time) since it is Lil G's bday on Saturday. The kids would be back on Saturday early afternoon due to a previous engagement. I told FM this on Friday, and told her if it wasn't possible that was OK, we would celebrate on Friday with them when we have them for the day. But now she isn't wanting to talk about it. I'm not letting her just avoid me. If she doesn't want to- that's ok. But she is going to have to suck it up and tell me that- not just hope I forget and won't ask about it.

So I am over ranting about FM. She clearly doesn't want my help, so I will continue to be slightly accommodating, but I'm not bending over backwards. And I only have 2 more weeks to make this work.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Had a visit with the kids today

and I'm a little overwhelmed at all I have to buy.

They have basically NO clothes that fit/ are right for the season. FosterMom hasn't gotten her clothing allowance yet (supposed to be in her next check which is delayed) and it just got colder (literally two days ago) so they just have summer stuff.

So I have to buy all new stuff for this season. I am REALLY hoping she either gives me the clothing allowance or actually uses it on clothes- but she was totally freaking out about money all evening. I know that kids are expensive, and that the state is always late on payments, but it was almost as if she expected the payments from the state to cover everything....  Maybe I'm the only one who got the memo that it REALLY doesn't cover everything. 


If she doesn't, I will still be fine because I have a boatload of clothes coming from family and friends, and I'm heading to the consignment shops this week, but it was just a weird convo.

And on top of the clothes, I have all the other stuff, which I'm actually super excited about- it's just a LONG list.

We had a great visit, and Lil Man and I went to the park just the two of us (the first time we've been away from foster mom BTW) and it was so fun. He has the most infectious laugh :D

We came back and played a bit in their room and I hung out while the kids ate dinner. I finally left right before bedtime, but not before setting up a next visit. Looks like I'm going to be having them MWF while Fmom works. So I pick them up around 9am and then take them home sometime in the afternoon. DH is going to LOVE THIS. He was so upset that he didn't get to see them yesterday and we couldn't go this morning. He is so cute :D

I have tried to talk to Fmom about the move in date for two days and she won't return my calls, so I sort of told her about it during the kids dinner, but we couldn't talk much (vague comments about "The date" etc) because the kids don't know the whole story yet. We will probably tell them next week. Or when they ask, whichever comes first.

I also wanted to talk to her about a ton of stuff that I talked with the therapist about, but I couldn't with the kids there, and again- she won't return my calls. So I'm done trying. I told her while I was there to call me because I wanted to talk to her, but she basically ignored me. I know she is busy, and I know she has the kids around her nearly 24/7, but she almost seemed to not want to hear what I said. She told me she wanted to set the move in date for the 10th instead of the 6th, and when I said it was already set, she said she thought I should fight to have it on the 10th. No thanks, maybe if you had called THAT DAY when I said I needed to talk to you ASAP, we could have discussed it. You have ignored your way out of having a choice.

I brushed it off by saying that everything hinges on how the kids are transitioning. If they aren't ready, then they won't move then. I just left it at that.

All in all, a good visit, but I'm excited to start having the kids without Fmom so I can get a better idea of what's going on. I really hope that the move will be seamless and the kids will be glad to move in here, rather than doing it because everyone is telling them to.

Only time will tell!!!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

MOVE IN IS SET!!!

Lil Man and Lil G are set to move in on October 6th. We are planning to tell them about the plan in a couple weeks, unless they ask before then.

I am on cloud 9000009. I don't think anything could bring me down today. We get to see the kids again tomorrow, and I just can't wait. I've been on the phone for over an hour or so talking to the CW and the therapist about various things. It's important to keep them in school (headstart in our area), so I'm working on getting them enrolled now so they can start school immediately after they move in.

And I also have a list of things to buy and do before they move in. It's a whirlwind from here on out! These might be the longest and yet shortest 3 weeks of my life!!!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Update on us

*WARNING* This is extremely long. I think it might reach the length of a small novel ;)

We are licensed, as I posted a few weeks ago. What I haven't posted is that following Monday, our licensing worker called to tell us that we were licensed (which I knew) and also to tell us about an adoptive placement. We spent the next week learning all we could about Lil Man (4) and Lil G (will be 3 in a couple weeks). We met them for the first time on Friday, and have had two visits since then. The CW and the kids therapist agree that we are moving forward with an adoptive match.

The plan is to continue with as many visits as we can fit into a week. Starting next week we will be moving the visits to our home and starting with visits without FosterMom (who has been amazing throughout this, despite her internal struggles with letting them go). We have a tentative move in timeline for the beginning of October, and the parental rights will be terminated (assuming all goes well at court) on Sept 29th.

I am a bundle of emotions. Until today, I haven't let myself believe that this is actually happening, thus the lack of blogging about it.

But I am madly in love with these children. Lil man loves cars, is incredibly smart and has the most amazing laugh. Lil G is a girly girl at heart and yet still loves to get dirty and still manages to be a tomboy. They are not without their faults, and are in therapy for separate issues, but in a very short few days I've grown to love them more than I would imagine possible. I can't believe I have to wait until Thursday to see them again, and then I probably won't see them again until the following Tuesday.

Amidst all of this joy, is a teeny bit of absolute terror. In a matter of a few short weeks, I will instantly morph into a MOM! A mom to two energetic preschoolers!! I have a million things to do and a thousand more things to worry about. I worry about attachment disorders on a constant basis. I worry that the transition won't go smoothly and we cause further issues. I worry that termination won't happen and suddenly these beautiful children will be taken from me. I worry that they will be hurt somehow through this. I worry that they won't see how much we love them already, and that they might resent us. I worry that someone from DHS will suddenly look at me and say "Wait, you can't be a mom- what were we thinking?" Ok I admit, that last one is completely beyond irrational- but sometimes I do feel that way. Sometimes the child in me gets overwhelmed and says "Who said I get to be an adult? Who said this was a good idea? I'm not old enough for this!!!!"

And then that nurturing side in me longs for them to be home. My house is so quiet. We got home from visiting them this evening and the silence was deafening. I wanted so badly to hear Lil G's stutter, and hear Lil Man ask me a thousand questions about one small thing. I want right now for them to be upstairs in the bedrooms I'm trying to get ready for them. I want to know what they were thinking before they went to sleep. I want to be the one to see them first thing in the morning.

I know that this transition is the best thing for all of us, and I enjoy every second I get with them- but that little selfish part of me wants them to be mine, forever- right now. I suppose I've waited this long, I can wait a few weeks more.

And in all of this I praise God for his infinite wisdom. While I was begging him to be pregnant throughout these years, he was watching over these two. He knows all, and he knows better than I could ever imagine. He knows the needs that these children have, and he knew how to time things perfectly. How we would be licensed at the exact right moment to meet them, and he placed them with a foster family who could surround them with more love than they have ever known. He could place them with a foster mom who could manage to see right into my heart and know what my true motives and desires are. He knows all and he always has. I knew this somewhere but somehow, today- I know it so much more. I know that even if my fears come true, and the worst happens- that we were meant to love these kids. That we were meant to go down this path, and that no matter what happens, he will carry us through, and we will be victorious. We are meant to love children, I have always known this. And today, I am starting to get a glimpse of his master plan. Only a small glimpse, because I don't believe I could handle it all at once. But it's a wonderfully crafted, and beautiful plan.

If you managed to get to the end of this, I apologize for the ranting, but it's been pent up and I needed to get all of that out. I am so blessed today.