Thursday, May 20, 2010

Saw Dr F today

I had an appointment at 10:15 this morning. I saw one of the OBGYN Medical students first. She asked me about what happened last cycle, and we talked about I had basically ZERO response to Femara. She said she thought Dr F wanted to go to Injects, and I made sure to express my concerns about cost. Since our insurance only covers 50%, I was worried about the costs of the monitoring. With all those ultrasounds and bloodwork, I knew it would cost close to $1k for each cycle. We are open to that idea, but we'd like to exhaust any other option first.

The med student left, and a few minutes later Dr F came in. She told me she didn't think increasing my dose of Femara would do any good, and that she did think Injects were the next logical step. We talked about the costs and she confirmed my concerns about the cost per cycle. She asked me about Clomid thinking I would say NOOOO. But I am not completely against it, I'm just against going to the 100mg dose. The 50mg worked for me.

So she agreed that we should try a couple cycles of Clomid again before going to injects. We will also be adding monitoring and a possible trigger shot, which I didn't have before. Sooooo we shall see. I was pretty discouraged since Clomid didn't result in a pregnancy before. But I'm hoping that the midcycle ultrasound and the ovidrel will make the difference.

So after Dr F left, the nurse came in. She is awesome. She brought me a folder of info on injects, including a cost sheet for what it costs for the monitoring on an inject cycle. Complete with Medical codes!!! So, I can contact my insurance and verify that they will only pay 50%. Maybe I will get lucky and they will consider the U/S and bloodwork something other than IF!!

Also, once the next 3 cycles are up, we are gonna have DH see the urologist. So, that's another step we have.

And DH and I had a big discussion about all this. We agreed to start the fostercare process right now. I have contacted the licensing agent for my county. Although we will be moving in a few months, we would like to get all of the steps out of the way now so that when we move we can have the home inspection in the new house whenever we move.

So once again, we have a crazy amount of new stuff now. YEAY!!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

REs office called back

Dr F wants to skip past increasing doses of Femara or going back to Clomid and wants to jump to Injectables. I have to schedule an appointment with Dr F asap.

I also found out that our offer got rejected on the house we were looking at. I posted about it HERE.

It's been a day of bad news....

I have to thank Sew, over at Sew Infertile because she put a lot of it into perspective for me today. She posted a letter of sorts to herself before she got pregnant. If you get a chance, read it. I felt like she spoke right to me and I think it might be why I'm doing so well today. God knew I needed to read exactly what she wrote, and I have a sense of peace. Even with the bad news I've gotten today, I'm still in a good mood.

Also, a two year old around the house makes life fun. Leah is wearing me out, but she is SO CUTE. And when she sings "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" in the backseat, I almost melt from cuteness :)

New look

I was getting bored with my old blog look, and I wanted something that was more "ME". I scoured various blog template sites, and couldn't find much that I liked. Since I have dabbled in digital scrapbooking, I have tons of elements I could use to make my own.

So I present to you, My new blog!!!

In other news, I am waiting very impatiently for the doctor to call me back to let me know what is going on. I am in a really good mood this morning though, so I thank God for that.

Thank you for all your encouraging comments. I really appreciate it!!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I love my husband

(Three blog posts in one day? WHAT!?)

I can't remember if I posted about keeping my Goddaughter Leah this week or not. She is 2 1/2 and has DH wrapped around her tiny little finger.

She is understandably a little upset when we put her to bed because she misses her mommy. Bedtime has been a little rough, but not too bad. She was crying after we put her down and since I put her down, DH went up there 5 min later. He told her that it was OK, and that she was safe and that "Unc Paul" and Aunt Stephie were downstairs. She said OK and went right to sleep.

The smile on his face when he came downstairs is priceless. As was the look on his face when he was reading her a bedtime story. I can't help but cry today over that. I can't help but wonder how long it will take us to have our own child (biological or otherwise) permanently in our home. This man has SO MUCH love to give kids, and trust me, he does his best to spread the love to our nieces and nephews. But it breaks my heart to see how happy this makes him and know that it won't last forever.

But watching the two of them together is priceless. She follows him around when he is home. If she can't find him she will ask for him by name. I haven't been blessed with a title of Auntie yet. She just calls me Stephanie. But she calls him "Unc Paul" and it makes me melt every.single.time!!

This has turned into ab it of a rant. Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. I am doing better this evening, most likely thanks to Leah, but I'm sure the negative emotions will come back.

I'm mostly angry at myself for getting my hopes up like I did.

I'm hoping the Dr will have a better plan tomorrow and we can start the next cycle ASAP. I asked if I could start progesterone today to induce AF, but the nurse wanted me to wait LOL. I am a little impatient ;)

Quick update

Talked to the REs office. They don't think Femara worked for me AT ALL. So I won't be getting a higher dose. I will most likely go back to Clomid and add CD14 monitoring like with this cycle.

I REALLY thought the Femara would be my miracle drug. So I'm disappointed that we wasted a whole cycle :(

And DH was trying to be helpful but just made me more upset by pulling up pics of kids that need to be adopted.

Thanks honey, that doesn't make this better.

RE Appointment/Ultrasound

I had my ultrasound this morning to check the follicles. I got to see Dr W- who is super cute! I adore him. He is funny and always makes me feel at ease.

Have I told you guys how much I LOVE my REs office? Just checking ;)

A med student actually did the U/S and it wasn't so bad but Dr W said that my uterus was cloudy or something along those lines. He wanted to check my progesterone because he feels that I may have already ovulated.
Or the Femara didn't work and I have to start over with a possible higher dose.

He noted that the biggest follicle was misshapen and that's another reason he thinks I may have already ovulated.

My chart says I haven't ovulated, so I'm pretty grim right now. I was SO OPTIMISTIC about this cycle, and now I'm just numb. I'm upset and angry and just.... I don't even think there is a word to describe what I am right now.

On the way home I was just wondering, Will I EVER be pregnant? I know that I believed that God had told me that I would someday, but that of course doesn't mean that I will be right now. And what if I was just making that up in my head to delude myself even further!

Thankfully I am keeping my 2yr old niece this week, and I also have Joshua this evening. The two of them should help to keep me in good spirits, but overall I'm pretty pessimistic.

I want to hope that Dr W will call and tell me that my Progesterone levels are high, and I've already ovulated! Because we timed sex pretty well. And then we might still have a chance. But I can't hope that right now. Because I was REALLY hopeful the last two weeks. I was CONVINCED that I was going to get PG this cycle. And the higher your hopes are, the harder you fall.

When did I get this cynical?

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Random worries of the week

I'm worried that I'm going to overstim and we are going to have to cancel the cycle.

I'm worried that the whole cycle won't work.

I'm worried that we will move into a new house and I STILL won't be PG

I'm worried that my sanity is REALLY going this time.

I'm in a valley of this roller coaster. I go back and forth from Fine with everything to SO NOT fine.

And right now with everything going on I am just NOT fine. I am worried about our house situation.

We are trying to do a short sale on our house but might end up having to do foreclosure. At this point, we are running out of time and I think the house would do better if we weren't living in it. But we can't buy a house until we can rebuild DHs credit enough.

I found out today that my Mom's old house- that we have been keeping an eye on- is dropping even lower in price. An old neighbor friend called me to tell me that they are willing to accept just about anything and they are desperate. So we are going to WAY low ball them and ask to rent for like 6 months. Not really lease to own, but just rent so we can build up DHs credit but not have to move into an apartment.

And if they say no- it's not the end of the world. It's a great house, but it was my Moms house and it's not really my style. It would take a lot of work to make it my style. But for that price, I wouldn't be able to pass it up.

I'm just a ball of nerves right now.

I know I've said it before, but I AM SO SICK OF LIMBO. I just want to be SURE of something, at least ONE thing... just for a moment.

But even as I type this I am reminded to count my blessings.

I am sure that of my marriage. I am sure of the fact that no matter what is thrown at me, my husband will be standing next to me. I am sure of my family and their unwavering support.

My mother offered to buy her old house and rent it to us. I told her no, that we need to do this on our own- but the fact that she offered just reminds me of the amazing support system I have.

So although I started this post feeling sorry for myself. I am thankful that God has made it clear to me today what his plan is. I don't believe that while I am thinking that I don't want to buy this house because the bedrooms are too small, and the carpet isn't my color, suddenly the option is forced back in my face. It's a great house. My mom put a LOT of work into it. But I'm being a brat and I want my dream house right now. But our budget will not allow that at this moment. Our budget is for the in between house. And this house is the perfect in between house. It has all of our necessities. And some of the bonuses too.

And I don't know if we will actually end up in that house. But it's possible that we will. And I am reminded again and again that God's plan is perfect. His timing is PERFECT. If I can LET GO long enough to let him do HIS work, I am always amazed at how perfectly it fits together. Better than I- the constant planner- could EVER dream.

So I'm sorry that this post is one big ramble. You have just experienced a day in the life of my brain. Welcome, embrace the insanity! LOL