Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Cortrosyn and Sonohystogram

The tests went well today!

I had the Cortrosyn Stimulation this morning at 9am. I ended up not doing the 2 hour Glucose test because the nurse at the REs office recommended that I not. She didn't want the results to be skewed since I was supposed to fast.

The Cortrosyn Stimulation wasn't so bad. It was annoying to not be able to move my left arm, but the actual test was completely painless. Plus the lady was REALLY nice and I got to read my book for an hour :)

After that I had lunch with Paul and we went shopping at a couple thrift stores :) I found a pretty cute dress so that was fun.


I had my Sonohystogram at 3:45. I ended up waiting for over an hour since the RE was tied up with another patient, but I didn't mind since they had to squeeze me in to begin with.

Sidenote- I was way excited that they had a real sheet instead of the stupid paper ones that always rip. It was nice to stay covered without worrying about ripping it LOL

Overall the test went well. The pain was tolerable and the worst part was the speculum going in.

A quick explanation of the test: Dr. F did a vaginal ultrasound first to check my uterus. Then she inserted a catheter to push fluid into my uterus and then my fallopian tubes.

Everything was clear, although the lining of my uterus was apparently thick. It was really cool to see my uterus up there!

The Drs kept asking me if I was ok, and then informed me that I must have a high pain tolerance because I wasn't in any pain, just uncomfortable. But since I know my pain tolerance ISN'T very high, I am going to assume that I am just super lucky and that's why I wasn't in pain.

I'm going to get the 2 hr Glucose test this week and I have a follow up appointment with Dr. F in two weeks. YEAY!!

Monday, March 29, 2010

12 hour fast

My 12 hour fast starts tonight at 9PM.

I have my cortisone stimulation test at 9AM, then I am heading over for my two hour glucose test. After that DH is going to take me to have a BIG lunch, because by that point I will be starving.

Then I get to go to the REs office for the sonohysterography.

Holy busy day.

But I'm planning to take my laptop, and my books. So I will be plenty entertained. And I have a midterm to study for.

In other news, I am throwing a baby shower on Saturday and while I'm excited for it (I LOVE planning parties) it's stressing me out a bit. But it will be fun!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Cortrosyn Stimulation

That is the first test I have on Tuesday.

It just so happened that EVERYTHING fell on Tuesday. I was supposed to have my annual GYN appointment at 9:30. But since the other test is at 9, I will have to reschedule that.

I also have my sonohysterography on Tuesday. They could ONLY schedule it for Tuesday at 3:45. I was supposed to have a midterm from 2-4. But thankfully I have an understanding professor who is letting me take it during another one of his classes on Wednesday.

All in all Tuesday isn't going to be a fun day for me. I get to be poked and prodded and poked some more! But this is all to get some answers, which I'm happy for.

In other news- an 18 year old I know is pregnant. I don't see her often, and just found out. She is about 26 weeks along.

She is a girl I used to babysit for and I used to go to church with her grandmother. Her mom got PG with her when she was 18 as well.

I was pretty upset last night. Just when I think I am doing well, something like this hits me.

Ugh. In case anyone missed the memo- IF SUCKS.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

And she's here

AF arrived this morning. I'm only 11 DPO which makes me think luteal phase defect.

I had my hopes up too much with that crazy test, so I'm a little more disappointed than I expected this morning. We weren't even technically trying this cycle.

But- I have the best mood booster about 90 minutes away.

My cousin/BFF is unexpectedly coming into town and will be staying with me for about 5 days. This includes her adorable daughter and my godddaughter Leah. So I am excited about that. I have missed both of them SO much and it's a much needed visit.

And honestly, my mood has been 1000x better in the last week. I don't think it has anything to do with the RE appointment, or anything else, but my depression seems to have lifted, even if just a bit. I feel great. And that means a lot for me!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Sooo... I have been super confused

and a bit ashamed the last couple days.

On Wednesday I was dumb and took a PG test. I KNEW I wasn't PG. But my boobs were hurting and since I never actually TOOK one last cycle, the wild crazy theories were going through my head and I needed to silence them.

And this is what I saw.


For those who aren't as crazy as me... I saw a VERY (I can't say VERY enough) slight line.

Now, I knew that at that point FF said I was only 5DPO, but I missed a day in there, and it's possible that I Oed a few days earlier.

After obsessing with my friend Shannon, (the ONLY person I told because she has been in the trenches and understood my neuroses) I picked up some digital tests to take the next morning.

Thursday morning (at 5 am before DH went to work) the digital was negative. I then obsessed some more and picked up some pink dye FRER tests. BFN

And again this morning, because again- I'm crazy- BFN.

So I have decided that it was a fluke... and I hate it.

FYI- this pic was taken about 3 minutes after I took the test. So NOT an evap line.

So yeah.... you wouldn't want to be in my head right now. It's not a good place to be.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Great Appt!

As I posted yesterday, I was in a FANTASTIC mood!

The appointment went VERY well! The doctors were great, and they were very good at explaining things.
The short version is that we are doing more testing, and I am going back to talk to them once we get the results back from those tests.

There are two doctors in the practice and they were SO awesome. The first- Dr W- came in and was GREAT. He was really funny, which was a great nerve calmer for Paul and I, who can't get through two sentences without one of us cracking a joke. He went over EVERYTHING and asked us a ton of questions. He laughed at Paul's honesty about my depression, and told me it was a good thing I am so OCD about my charting and my cycles.

The RE told DH that his SA results aren't as bad as DH thought. He also said that we still could have a chance of getting PG on our own, but between the "eh" SA and my PCOS, it would take a lot longer.

After he talked to us, he went to talk to the other doctor- Dr F. She was awesome as well. She immediately started joking with us as well and she was very straightforward. They discussed a full battery of tests that they wanted both Paul and I to do. They suggested another SA, for DH. And they suggested some bloodwork and a glucose test for me. 

One of my concerns was the cost of all the tests as well as any other procedures we decide to do. Since we only have 50% coverage, the rest of that has to come out of pocket. So they nixed the SA, since we JUST did the last one last week. And a couple other tests. The tests that we ARE doing can be coded for general health so it should be 100% covered! It was AWESOME because they didn't question me or even think twice before changing it so it was easier on us.

They are doing several tests on me, a Sonoshysterography. That sounds like it's very similar to a HSG.
They are doing another blood panel to check my FSH and LSH levels. And they are doing another test that I can't remember the name of it now... I want to say it was a "stims" test. But that might be my brain making things up. For that one, I have to wait for someone to call me in the next week, so I will know more soon.
They are also doing a 2 hour glucose test. Contrary to what my first doctor said, my insulin levels WERE high. They want to do the bloodwork and the glucose test to see if it really is PCOS or if it's another problem that tends to present like PCOS. Something with the adrenal glands I think....

After the appointment I felt like my head was going to EXPLODE, and I still feel like I don't really remember anything that was said. But I am feeling VERY comforted.


Paul is pretty happy with the appointment, and said he felt like he was more informed, which was a good thing. He likes the doctors as well.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Have you ever had one of those days...

Where you could feel God working in every little thing?

I swear it feels like God truly organized this appointment for us today. Not only was there a sudden cancellation, on a day that DH could actually go. I could be there, and now- when it usually takes up to a week to get records transferred, I have BOTH of my OBs faxing my records to the RE.

I am in an amazing mood because of this and I hope it lasts all day!!

Monday, March 15, 2010

I ovulated!!

All by myself!!!

Not that it really makes a difference as far as a pregnancy goes, but I'm super excited that my body did something on it's own!!

Granted, I'm on the Met, and I'm assuming that is the reason I did ovulate, but I wasn't on Clomid!

We have had a busy day, helping a friend move in exchange for two really cool china cabinets. I'm excited to put them in the new house, but for now they are in a storage unit until we move.

On our way to our friends house I called the REs office since I didn't get the referral paperwork until Friday night. After a very confusing phone conversation with Paul trying to input his thoughts and confusing me, we set up an appointment for April 13th. The receptionist told me that they had an appointment for 12:30 tomorrow, but I didn't think we would be able to make it because of Paul's crazy schedule these days. He works on what they call "E-Board". Basically he fills in for whoever calls off sick, breaks down etc. So his lunches and his start/end times vary from day to day.

Well this week he has a set schedule and is working what they call a "split shift". I didn't realize this until we were on our way home about an hour ago. We started talking about it and I said that if that was the case, I can probably schedule something for this week. And I mentioned the 12:30 cancellation they had tomorrow.

So guess what? We have our very first RE appointment tomorrow at 12:30!!!

I SO wasn't expecting it to happen this fast, and while I'm excited- I'm a little apprehensive now because it's a different situation than I thought it was. Since we didn't originally plan to do any ART, our options are limited depending on what the RE thinks of Paul's SA results.

And yes, I am reconsidering IUI. We had talked about it and about the costs involved for us, and decided against it. But IUI might be our best bet!! And I'm scared of the concept of saying "NO" to any treatment right now. I know that IVF is just way out of our budget, but I'm back to possibly considering IUI.

All in all, I'm excited to see what the RE has to say about my PCOS coupled with Paul's low sperm count.

And seriously, I know that it's a slim chance that I am PG right now because of the sperm count, but I am SO HAPPY that my body finally did something right. I feel like a lot less of a failure, but I don't feel like I can say that to Paul.... I don't think it would make him feel better about the whole situation.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Anger

That's what I'm feeling right now. And disappointment. And just an overall feeling of STUCK. We can't get pregnant right now, and it will take a while to get into the RE. Ok fine.

We can't start the foster process right now because we are in a house that we won't be living in in 6 months. I hate this house right now. I want out. But we need it to sell first.

Today I just lost it. I screamed at the house (after finding a bug in the bathroom, like that wouldn't happen ever at any other house LOL) and just wanted to move NOW. I want to be back in the town we are moving to. I want to be in the house that we will be in when we have kids, wherever that may be. I want to NOT be stuck in limbo where I can't fix anything but I can't change anything either. I want to NOT want to scream at everything and cry at even more. I want to NOT have to deal with this.

It's not fair. NOT FAIR.

I think that should be the official slogan for IF. It's NOT FAIR.

Why can stupid 16 year olds get pregnant when they don't deserve it?

I need to say that my husband is awesome. He is my rock, truly and completely. Tonight he just held me while I completely lost it. And he was my voice of reason and calm. How he is so strong about this I have NO idea. He is just awesome.

I need to stop ranting and go to bed. But I'm angry, and hurt, and a bunch of other emotions that I can't even put into words.

Full SA results

After my confusing conversation with the doctor yesterday, and after doing some of my own research coupled with chatting with a few IF friends- I asked the Dr for the full SA results.

Here is what I've got... and I'm still trying to interpret it right now.
This is what it looks like on the sheet I was given.



In Range Out of Range
Collected 1214  
Received 1235  
Examine 1240  
Appearance Normal  
Volume, Seminal Fld   1.7 L
Viscosity, Seminal Fld. HIGH  
Active 70  
Sluggish 10  
Non-Motile 20  
Forward Progression 80  
Normal   8 L
Total Abnormal   92 H
Bacteria None Seen  
WBC, Seminal Fluid Moderate  
RBC, Seminal Fluid None Seen  
Epithelial Cells None Seen  
Count/mL [Semen]   16.6 L
Total Count/Volume   28.20 L


I'm interpreting this to mean that his actual count is 16.6. Which makes more sense considering my Dr's opinion on the results.

Either way, I can't wait to see the RE now. I just want to get this all sorted out. I'm done with the "break" from TTC and now I want to fix it.

Story of my life LOL

Thursday, March 11, 2010

SA Results

My doctor just called.

Sperm count is low-28 million.
I don't know what that means, so I'm off to Google. DH is pretty upset, but is at work so we can't really talk about it.

What a great way to start the day.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I WILL be a Mom

I have Joshua today, and it's been a fun day. I always enjoy my days with him because I feel like I have more purpose. I also get more accomplished because I can't sit and watch TV.

We were having lunch, and I swear, everything he does is cute. I can't help but laugh at him when he eats. And it hurts a little because this is what I want EVERY day. And I feel like it's never going to happen. But I know that God has a plan. I trust that I will be a Mom someday. Whether it's a child that is biologically ours or one that we were blessed with through adoption, I know that God will bless us with a child.

The problems for me come in when I try to tell God HOW to bless us with a child. I am one of those Christians who thinks that God HAS to have a sense of humor. I have this image in my head of God's reaction when we tell him what WE think he should do in our lives. It's generally the reaction my husband has when I ask him to do something outrageous. He looks at me with a blank face, and then busts out laughing.

And really, that's what God SHOULD do when we try to take over the plans! Who am I to tell GOD what is best. I know NOTHING compared to him.

I try to remind myself of this when my control-freak nature surfaces. I'm not always successful, but I try.

Monday, March 8, 2010

A cup, a gallbladder, and a referral

In no particular order ;)

DH had his SA today and I had to visit my PCP for a referral to the RE. I also needed to talk to her about my horrible heartburn in the last six months. It's gotten out of hand to the point that I can only eat bland foods or I am in pain all day.

We had to go to the hospital lab for the SA and it wasn't at all what I was expecting. After being sent to two different places, and getting lost trying to get to the lab from the first office, DH was ushered into a small procedure room. Since this room is used for more blood draws than anything else, there wasn't any "material".
The whole thing was very awkward and just.... clinical I guess. I don't know what I was expecting...

I had to hurry to get to my PCP, which was about 30 minutes from the hospital.

Once I got in I talked to her about the referral. She knows my OB very well and didn't question my request for one, and didn't even ask any questions. 

Then I asked her about my heartburn, just expecting her to prescribe some type of acid reflux medication. She asked me a bunch of questions and prescribed a medicine, but then also mentioned that it might be a gallbladder problem.

Apparently, I'm just falling apart. I'm supposed to take the meds for a few weeks and if I am still having problems she wants to do an ultrasound to see if everything is OK with my gallbladder.

Seriously, is there any reason that my body hates me this year?

Also, DH has been a bear for the last couple of days. He is apparently freaking out about the SA results and instead of talking about it, he is cranky and sulky. We were talking on the way to the hospital and I swear his feelings could have come straight from my head. I told him that even though I wouldn't wish that kind of overthinking on ANYONE, it was nice to know that he REALLY understood now what my mind has been like for the last 11 months.

We should have the results within a few days, and my PCP said she could get me the referral in a few days as well. We are moving forward! YEAY!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Update and explanation

Baby Luke hasn't improved much, but it's been more than 24 hours since I posted my last post and he is still fighting. PRAISE GOD!

Luke has been in the hospital for three weeks at first for Pneumonia and then for an additional infection. Yesterday morning (well Friday morning since it is now Sunday) his lung collapsed and he had to have a tube put in. Then they had to put another one it. It was at that point that they said he probably wouldn't make it through the night because the measures they were taking were not working.

After our church and everyone we could possibly ask has been praying for him all night, he seems to be holding on quite well.




His blood oxygen levels and a couple other numbers were up which is a good thing, and that is the last I have heard.




I ended up still going on the trip, and I am posting this in my hotel room with H in the next bed. She and I are ready to pass out, but are watching a bit of TV right now trying to wind down.



This conference has been absolutely amazing and exactly what I needed. I think it has helped H deal with everything that is going on as well.



I have an interesting story to share but I am far too tired right now to actually type it out. So I'll save it for later.

Thank you to everyone that has prayed for Baby Luke, and please continue to do so. He is far from out of the woods at this point.

Friday, March 5, 2010

PLEASE PRAY

My trip has been apparently cancelled. I can't get into all the details right now. But please pray.

H- the teen I was taking to the conference, has a baby nephew. His name is Luke and he is only 2.5 months old. He has been in the hospital for 3 weeks right now and the doctors have told the family that they don't think he will make it through the night. His poor little body is just so little and it apparently can't fight anymore.

Please pray for Baby Luke and his family. I can't imagine the pain his mother is going through. I am feeling helpless and all I can do right now is pray and ask for prayers.

Thank you.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Metformin

So I have been on Metformin for about 4 months now, and I am still dealing with the not so fun side effects. But I am also realizing that is has helped me to lose 10+ lbs without even trying. Now a part of that was a week that I had strep throat and could only eat applesauce and mashed potatoes LOL.

But I have resigned (for the 80th time this year) that I am going to work out every day. I love my Wii Fit Plus and I really enjoy working out. Right now I am keeping it simple, and I just use the calorie goal on the Wii Fit. I love it. Boxing is super fun and burns calories easily :)

Aside from that I can tell that I feel better. I don't know what I am expecting for this cycle. I want to believe that being on Met for the last few months could make me have a cycle on my own. But then the reality that it just might not happen. So I am back to charting (just to be aware of what's going on) and wondering what is going on with my body. I know it was the right thing to take a break from the Clomid... but right now I feel like we have moved backward.

In other news, I am going away for the weekend. I am an assistant youth leader at our church and this weekend we have a youth leadership conference. It's actually for the teens and I am taking one of them. Our main youth leader has to work this weekend so I said I would. I am really looking forward to it. The teen that I am taking- we will call her H- is special to me. I have been attending this church since I was 9, with about a 6 year break in there. I babysat H when she was a baby, along with her older brothers. She has grown to be such an amazing young woman, and I just love hanging out with her.

I will be back on Sunday afternoon and we aren't going far, but I'm still really looking forward to it. :)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Things I will never understand

This has little to do with infertility or PCOS, but it's something that bothers me almost weekly.

My family history is confusing at best, and just generally messed up. I have an older half sister, and a younger half brother. We all share the same father, and they share the same mother. My father was having an ongoing affair with their mother while he was married to my mom. My sister is a mere 4 months older than me. My brother is 2.5 years younger than me.

When my sister and I were 5 years old, her mother decided that she didn't want my father around the two of them, and I didn't see her or my brother for a very long time. This was very hard because my sister and I were VERY close, since we were so close in age. My brother was pretty young however, and to this day doesn't remember me at all.

When I was a teenager, my sister and I reconnected and have had a unique relationship since then. She and my brother were adopted when she was 8, and she and my brother do not care to have any type of relationship with my father. I understand that, because although I love my father, it was a sticky situation. But I am still their sister. I am blood. And I have been very grateful to have a relationship with my sister, albeit unusual since we are very different people now.

But my brother has no desire to have anything to do with me or to even KNOW me.

I can't comprehend this. In fact, it kills me. This is my baby brother. I remember him as a baby. I remember loving on him and giving him kisses and just being protective of him. And he doesn't want to know me.

About 6 months ago I ran into him and his older sister (not my sister, but an additional sibling that I am still in contact with- I told you it was a crazy story!) and he didn't recognize me at all. After the encounter I contacted the sister and told her that I understand that he doesn't want to know me, but I wanted him to know that my door was always open and I would love to get to know him.

And nothing. When I talked to my sister months later I learned a bit more but the bottom line is my brother has no desire to know me at all.

I have tried to come to terms with this but I just can't get over it. I happen to think I'm pretty awesome. And I know he doesn't remember me, but shouldn't he want to know ME just by the simple fact that we share DNA?

I have a bad habit of watching the show "The Locator". It's a great show, and I often enjoy watching them. But occasionally the stories revolve around siblings. And in tonight's episode, it's a younger brother crying because he wants to know his sister.

And I get upset. Because I can't understand. I want to know WHY. I don't want to push him, because that obviously won't accomplish anything. But I would like to know what about the thought of knowing me is so horrible. I don't intend to push my father on him, as I have proved in my relationship with my sister. And even though he hates my father- I have NOTHING to do with what happened back then. I was just a kid too. I was caught in the middle too.

I so desperately want to get to know my baby brother, and he doesn't want to know me. That's the bottom line. Maybe one day he will change his mind, but I can't count on that. So I just keep trying to deal with it, and occasionally feel the need to cry and rant about it. Because family is all that matters to me. And I just can't wrap my brain around not wanting to get to know a member of my family.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Doctor's Appointment

I just got back from an appointment with my OB/GYN. I have been working with her on the treatment, and I needed to see her after the insanity that was last month.

I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to even be in her office. Every woman in the waiting room was PG, and then when I was finally moved back to a room, I heard the dopplers on the PG women and heard baby heartbeats!

At that point I lost it. I was glad to be alone. But I have been dealing with the reality that I might never be pregnant. It might not happen. And I realized in that moment that I couldn't be in her office every month. It's just too much. I REALLY like her and she has been wonderful, but she is still an OB and that makes it hard.

By the time she came into the room, I had decided that I was going to ask for a referral to a RE. But I didn't get a chance. She suggested it after I told her about my problems with Clomid this last cycle.

Unfortunately she can't give me a referral, I have to talk to my PCP (I hate Blue Care Network) but she did give me a couple of recommendations.

She also gave me a script for a SA for DH. We are going to go next week and the results will be sent to her. Once that is done, we will go to the RE.

Overall I am very numb about all of this. I want to be excited because we are moving on to another phase of treatment and this might mean a solution, and eventually a positive pregnancy test. But at the same time, I am done getting my hopes up. It's a very real possibility that we will be moving on to Foster care in the very near future and I am starting to feel that it really is God's plan for us. I still want to exhaust our options, but every day I feel God leading me in that direction.

I am afraid of moving on to adoption/foster care and what that means. It means I will be saying that I am OK with never being pregnant. Because that might happen. It means taking on the extra struggles that come with foster children. I do believe that Paul and I can handle it, but I need to come to terms with it first.