Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The anger and sadness hasn't really gone away

I'm tired, and angry and I can feel myself falling deeper into that hole. Every commercial, christmas special and blip about family or pregnancy or ANYTHING related to being a mom in any way- makes me sad/angry/weepy. Pick an emotion, and I feel it.

Wasn't this supposed to make me feel BETTER???!?! And now all I can focus on is the fact that I'm not pregnant, or won't be getting pregnant any time soon.

Why can't I let this go? Why can't I manage to focus on adoption?

Because I don't see fostercare as a viable option for us. I am going through with it and trying to have faith that God will work it out, but we just don't have the ability to be flexible enough to be "good" foster parents. We have to be very specific, and are ultimately looking for adoption. DH is convinced that we will become foster parents, and a beautiful infant will fall in our laps and we will be able to adopt him/her immediately. I am more realistic, and realize that because we are so limited in our age range, we may not even be considered as foster parents.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to be foster parents and be given children, even if for a short time, to care for. I just don't think it will happen for us.

And traditional adoption seems like such a long ways away. The finances, plus the process itself seem to be so lengthy that I can't focus.

Add to this fact that I've had 6 migraines in the last week, and my ability to function is low.

I'm not fighting the depression anymore, I'm just sort of numb again. I need guidance. I need God to help me to move forward. I know I am only managing to get through the day because of the strength he gives me, and I'm not discounting that. But simply breathing and making it to the end of the day isn't enough. I want to be productive again and I want to be the person I know I am, and that I saw for a brief moment this summer.

I also feel like I'm posting the same things over and over again, but hey- it's my blog so who cares. ;)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

It always seems that when I THINK I know what I am really feeling

it changes.

I thought I was OK with stopping fertility treatments, and mostly halting TTC because of my PCOS.

And then this week I'm ANGRY. I've been angry before. I've been angry at myself, I've been angry at my husband. and I've been angry at God (which admittedly was not productive). And now I'm angry at pregnant women. Which sucks because I have a lot of GREAT pregnant women in my life right now. My cousin/BFF who probably knows me better than anyone is PG and it KILLS me some days. I really want to be happy for her, but I'm angry.

A few GOOD friends of DH and I are pregnant and posting ALL over FB. I LOVE these women dearly and they both have had problems conceiving and deserve to be Mothers more than some. But I'm angry at them.

And then that turns to anger at myself. Because they don't deserve my anger! It's not their fault MY body doesn't work and theirs does. But if you follow that logic- NO ONE deserves my anger. And then I'm back to square one.

Please pray for me this week. I know that fertility treatments aren't a good idea for me right now. But that depression that I was trying to avoid seems to be creeping back up to me. I'm trying to make changes (like going back to the gym) and hoping that this isn't because of stopping TTC, it's because of other things.

And really- I feel like I can't win. Keep TTC and run myself into a deep depression. Stop TTC and run myself into a deep depression.

So my only option is stick with my decision and pray for God to help me. Because I need it. I can't do this without him. I'm brokenhearted some days. Christmas commercials are really bad because I have no idea WHEN DH and I will be a family. When he will be a father. When I will be a mother.
Sometimes I just burst into tears because of something related to not having kids yet. Or being scared of what lies ahead.

I need God to give me strength. I would appreciate any prayers you can spare. My emotions are all over the place lately. And physically I'm exhausted as well.