Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The anger and sadness hasn't really gone away

I'm tired, and angry and I can feel myself falling deeper into that hole. Every commercial, christmas special and blip about family or pregnancy or ANYTHING related to being a mom in any way- makes me sad/angry/weepy. Pick an emotion, and I feel it.

Wasn't this supposed to make me feel BETTER???!?! And now all I can focus on is the fact that I'm not pregnant, or won't be getting pregnant any time soon.

Why can't I let this go? Why can't I manage to focus on adoption?

Because I don't see fostercare as a viable option for us. I am going through with it and trying to have faith that God will work it out, but we just don't have the ability to be flexible enough to be "good" foster parents. We have to be very specific, and are ultimately looking for adoption. DH is convinced that we will become foster parents, and a beautiful infant will fall in our laps and we will be able to adopt him/her immediately. I am more realistic, and realize that because we are so limited in our age range, we may not even be considered as foster parents.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to be foster parents and be given children, even if for a short time, to care for. I just don't think it will happen for us.

And traditional adoption seems like such a long ways away. The finances, plus the process itself seem to be so lengthy that I can't focus.

Add to this fact that I've had 6 migraines in the last week, and my ability to function is low.

I'm not fighting the depression anymore, I'm just sort of numb again. I need guidance. I need God to help me to move forward. I know I am only managing to get through the day because of the strength he gives me, and I'm not discounting that. But simply breathing and making it to the end of the day isn't enough. I want to be productive again and I want to be the person I know I am, and that I saw for a brief moment this summer.

I also feel like I'm posting the same things over and over again, but hey- it's my blog so who cares. ;)

4 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry Steph! Just keep hanging in!

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  2. *hugs* Just take one step at a time and I hope the foster thing works out or another door opens for you!

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  3. your right, it's your blog and you can say anything you want! lol I do!
    Anyway I feel ya, Christmas time always seems to be hard, but somehow I always manage to get threw. You will too, and eventually everything will work itself out.

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  4. I understand. I say that and truly understand. We decided to Foster/Adopt last year around this time. We haven't finished classes yet because we missed a couple and then found out we are pregnant. I know that the agency we are using wants you NO MATTER what your age range is. We had a very open age range and are looking at making it smaller. We will see what God says. Know that your pain is your pain and you are allowed to process it how you need to. I don't think that there is anything that takes away your desire to get pregnant until you are pregnant. It always hurts a little even if you do adopt. I just found out that a cousin of mine is pregnant again and got married after she found out she was pregnant with the first one. Even pregnant I'm not excited that it was so easy for her. I'm still jealous. Let me know if you need anything. Praying for you!

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