I'm tired, and angry and I can feel myself falling deeper into that hole. Every commercial, christmas special and blip about family or pregnancy or ANYTHING related to being a mom in any way- makes me sad/angry/weepy. Pick an emotion, and I feel it.
Wasn't this supposed to make me feel BETTER???!?! And now all I can focus on is the fact that I'm not pregnant, or won't be getting pregnant any time soon.
Why can't I let this go? Why can't I manage to focus on adoption?
Because I don't see fostercare as a viable option for us. I am going through with it and trying to have faith that God will work it out, but we just don't have the ability to be flexible enough to be "good" foster parents. We have to be very specific, and are ultimately looking for adoption. DH is convinced that we will become foster parents, and a beautiful infant will fall in our laps and we will be able to adopt him/her immediately. I am more realistic, and realize that because we are so limited in our age range, we may not even be considered as foster parents.
Don't get me wrong, I would love to be foster parents and be given children, even if for a short time, to care for. I just don't think it will happen for us.
And traditional adoption seems like such a long ways away. The finances, plus the process itself seem to be so lengthy that I can't focus.
Add to this fact that I've had 6 migraines in the last week, and my ability to function is low.
I'm not fighting the depression anymore, I'm just sort of numb again. I need guidance. I need God to help me to move forward. I know I am only managing to get through the day because of the strength he gives me, and I'm not discounting that. But simply breathing and making it to the end of the day isn't enough. I want to be productive again and I want to be the person I know I am, and that I saw for a brief moment this summer.
I also feel like I'm posting the same things over and over again, but hey- it's my blog so who cares. ;)