It's been almost a month since I posted last, and I've not been doing well, until this week. And I wouldn't really say I'm doing "well" per-say, just better than the last 4 weeks.
You see- in all the insanity of Christmas and life- I was denying the fact that I was upset about suspending fertility treatments. I do still believe it was the best decision for me. We were really only once cycle away from injects, and we've decided we can't afford those right now anyway, so putting my body through another round of Clo.mid was not smart.
But the dreams and hopes I had for the next year or so of my life- being pregnant, having a baby shower- seeing the ultrasound, and ALL the things that come with a pregnancy- are gone. Yes, I know there is that chance of a "surprise" BFP- but I can't focus on that. So I need to accept these things and "mourn" them so I can move on. This has all occurred to me in the last few days. I wasn't blogging because blogging would require thinking about things- and that was too much for me I think. I didn't even realize what I was doing- but looking back (as usual) I can see my behavior clearly.
So after a real dip into my "hole" of depression and making DH angry because of my inability to function (and in this case, not doing several things that I promised him I would do- therefore putting us behind in leaving to visit his mom for the weekend) I realized a lot of things. DH and I had a 3 hour drive to talk, and in my case- cry. I realized that I was suppressing a lot of emotions because I didn't want to feel them, or I didn't think I should feel them. So armed with that knowledge about myself- I tried to deal with these emotions. I told DH that I needed to process these emotions, and that crying and dealing with them isn't a bad thing. I had 3 pregnancy announcements in ONE DAY (SERIOUSLY!?) and I had to deal with that.
Since then, I've been crying- a LOT lol. But again- it's been good. We decided that we REALLY needed to move forward with Foster Care. Thank to you to everyone who commented on my last post. It REALLY helped me and made me realize that I can't assume things will go wrong. I need to try and see how things work out. God has a plan- and I know that.
So that's the update part- and then we have today.
I was supposed to go grocery shopping today, and run other errands. Instead, I woke up to a husband who was in severe pain and needed to go to the doctor. I needed to run to the bank near our doctor (20 min away) anyway- so I went with him and then ran to the bank. On my way back, I heard a song that made me cry (at this point- nearly every song can do that lol) and was praying begging God to help me and just asking- for the 2343324th time- WHY? And I had the sudden desire to listen to some Christian music that might be more uplifting. I changed the radio channel- and there was a commercial on for fostercare/adoption. I listened to it- and proceeded to cry even more. I truly felt God speaking to me and reminding me that we had other options. For the first time in months- I can honestly see myself as a foster mom.
Our fostercare application was sitting at home on the desk 99% filled out, and thanks to some accountability from my friend- I ran home to get it on the way home from the doctors office. After we dropped off DHs prescriptions- we sat in the parking lot and filled out the rest of the application. And we went to the office of DHS (Department of Human Services) and.....
WE TURNED IN OUR FOSTERCARE APPLICATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a huge step for me. We've had the application for over 6 months. And for the last month I have been saying that I'm going to turn it in. And of course I didn't LOL
So I think that's the update on me. I'm excited about this next phase. I'm off now to do some obsessive research about foster care in Michigan LOL!! I'm also planning to find more blogs of foster parents. Information overload- here I come!!!