Friday, May 6, 2011

Anger....

Well I come back from SC to find out that we WON'T be getting our home study any time soon. And I'm angry. I'm angry because this is taking so long (yes, I have read my last blog post LOL) but most of all I'm just angry because it seems like I can't catch a break.

And after I find this out, Lisa posts on FB about being home with her two beautiful girls and I just lose it all over again. I'm so glad I was there for her having the baby (who is beautiful btw) and I love Chelsea, but right now, she has exactly what I want SO BADLY while I sit here unable to do anything and wait on people who don't have time for me.

I'm trying to remember how I felt when I wrote that blog, but I'm not really doing well with it right now.

I think part of this anger is me dealing with my emotions from this weekend. But even so-I need prayers today.

Lord, Please help me to put my faith in you always. Help me to remember that you WILL fulfill your promises. And that I need to sit back and wait, and listen to you. Help me to get through this pain by leaning on you and not expecting me to carry it all on my own. I was not created to carry the burden of life. You created me to draw my strength from your holy spirit. Help me to remember that.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Very emotional couple of days- VERY VERY LONG

I am in SC visiting with my cousin/BFF Lisa. She and I are as close as sisters, and when she had her first daughter, I was over the moon so excited. I call her daughter my niece, although biologically she isn't.

Well she is PG. I posted about it when I found out- but didn't really blog about the affect it had on me. I was devastated. She DID NOT want another baby right now, possibly ever. In fact- HOURS before she POAS- she told me very emphatically how she couldn't handle it right now. And to top it all off- she was staying with me for several months while here husband was here in SC. She saw him for ONE WEEK out of 3 months- and she got knocked up. Needless to say- I wasn't happy. At all.

Over the last 9 months I've sadly distanced myself a bit. She is amazing, and she hasn't pushed me at all. She has been completely understanding- and I really think this has actually brought us closer. She has said that she would MUCH rather me be pregnant. But we both agree that obviously God has a plan.

FF to this week. She is due today actually (getting induced tomorrow) and I flew in on Friday. I really debated whether or not I could handle coming down here this week. Do I REALLY want to watch my Little Sister (as I often refer to her) have exactly what I want? Do I want to hold back her hair and help her push and comfort her when all I want to do is scream because I can't have what she has?

The answer isn't really yes- but I wouldn't miss this for the world. She and I are SO close, and to miss this (intentionally) would kill us both. So I prayed, and prayed and prayed some more. I begged God for guidance. And finally settled on the decision that if I couldn't handle watching this and being here- God would arrange the timing for the baby to come before I got here. Well she didn't. Lisa is still pregnant- and going in for induction at 6:30 am. I'm not leaving until Tuesday afternoon- so I will be here for it all. And I know God will give me the strength.

Last night we were sitting in the guest room (we=Lisa, her husband, myself and Lisa's friend Debbie who I know very well) They were discussing pregnancy and how most women- although the labor is hard and there are lots of downsides- would never trade the ability to carry a child. Lisa was talking about the bad thigns about pregnancy, but then why the good things very much outweighed the bad. This went on for some time. Needless to say- I was VERY quiet- and simply tried to keep my composure (as I had been trying to do for a couple days) and then Lisa saw my face and realized what effect this was having on me- and she immediately said my name and apologized. And that's all it took. I lost it. I had promised myself that I wouldn't break down in front of her and burden her with my emotions in this time. This was supposed to be about her and Chealsea (the new baby girl). And I couldn't handle it. I excused myself and went downstairs to compose myself. And it was very difficult. As you can imagine, my emotions are on high and I am crying so easy right now. Repressing my emotions tends to do that lol. Later that night I talked to her and she apologized and thanked me for being here- even though she knows it's hard.

So Lisa took me to her church this morning. I have been thrilled that she found a church that she loves so much- and was glad to attend. The worship was amazing, and ended with a song about waiting on the Lord. Of course- this spoke to me in a very real way- and so I was crying.

And then the Pastor started speaking- I was intending to go into more detail about his sermon- but this blog post is long enough- so I won't. But the title of the sermon was "Waiting on the Promise". It was about waiting on promises that God gives us. He started out saying "God ALWAYS fulfills his promises" His entire sermon was about how when God promises us something (for me, a promise that I will be pregnant and give birth at some point in my life) he ALWAYS delivers- but we don't always get the *when*. He talked about how the waiting often molds us into the people we need to be to receive the promise. He also said a lot of other things that I can't remember- but I walked away with an entirely different view of my struggles.

First of all- I need to remember that my focus shouldn't be this life. This life will end. And it will not matter. But I am hoping to get to HEAVEN!! And that is going to completely outshine anything I think I want or need in this life. So the next time I think about how my life will be better, or how much I want kids- I need to remember that I should want Heaven MORE than I want a family.

And amidst all of this I finally came to the place where if I NEVER have children. I can accept that. God is enough for me. I have faith that he can make my life better than anything I can if I just put my faith in him. This was a place that was very hard for me to get to. I still believe that God made me with the purpose of being a Mom. But if that never happens- I have faith that I will live a very fulfilling life and I will make a difference in someones life. Maybe many someones.

At the end of his sermon- he made me officially lose it. I bawled my eyes out. I laid my head on Lisa's shoulder and sobbed. I had been trying not to cry (again) and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. The pastor asked those who were waiting on a promise from God to come to the front and allow the leaders of the church to pray. Lisa walked with me up there and I just felt at peace. I still cried- because although the waiting is necessary- I know that it doesn't take the hurt away- and that's the point. But the crying that I did was a cleansing cry. It was exactly what I needed and I think it really helped me. I'm still very emotional- and I've cried several times writing this blog- but I think I know why I NEEDED to be here. As much as I usually love my church- I'm not being fed at all right now and it's one of the reasons we are considering changing churches. But that is a post for another day. I needed that message, and it was delivered at exactly the right time.

Oddly enough- the church down the road from Lisa's house (20 min from her church) had a message on their sign on Friday. "God ALWAYS fulfills his promises". It made me cry as well. It seems to be the theme of this trip!