Monday, September 17, 2012

God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.

I've been repeating this to myself for over an hour.

Because today is one of those days when I look at God and say "Are you SURE you got this right? Because it's starting to fall apart, and I don't FEEL like this is right."

I know that we are called to foster. And most days, I know that we have been called to care for J. But today has been rough. Not because of J- although he can be difficult. But he is a 1 year old. And my soon to be 4 year old has given me a run for my money this morning. Maybe it's because she was a foster child. Maybe it's because she is just a strong willed child, but today she has broken my heart. Today I wonder if this was REALLY the right thing to do. Maybe what everyone else says is true. Maybe we shouldn't have taken J. Maybe I've put my children's mental well-being at risk.

She has been SO disprespectful, and SO defiant and SO angry for the last two months. And today she has completely broken me.

I don't know if I really believe all of that, but please keep me in your prayers. Because my heart is breaking today. And it's all semi-normal parenting stuff- but because I foster, I have a thousand other reasons to try and explain the behavior, so I immediately jump to those.

It could simply be that I'm trying to cut out naps for her and she's tired. But all I know is that the last week has been HARD. I've tried EVERYTHING to get her to change her behavior, and it won't work. I'm tired. I'm hurt. And I'm tired of trying. I second guess everything I do. And I worry that I'm going to screw them up for life.

Mommy guilt is killer.