Sunday, November 29, 2009

Ok.... so I might have ovulated

Warning- This post is full of obsessive rantings. Yes I realize that I can't do anything right now but wait to see what happens, but I'm not so good at that.

Here is my latest chart, in case anyone cares.

I have officially moved into being hopeful and thinking that I might actually get PG this cycle. DH and I got into an indulgent conversation in the car about how we would tell some people.
And I need to stop. Hope isn't bad, hope is good- but I need to reel it in a bit before I start assuming I am already pregnant.

I would like to say that I would be great with just ovulating, but honestly right now I wouldn't be. I'm tired. If I at least ovulate I will be much more encouraged- but I'm tired of this whole process.

I am a horrible control freak. I blame my mother. She is ten times worse than I am. I just want to control MY life for the most part. She wants to control everyone elses ;)

Being such a control freak has made TTC absolute torture for me. I can't control ANYTHING about this. Other than my sex life. And that doesn't do anything towards making a baby. Which doesn't help my control problems.

I am just rambling at this point, but I am hopeful. I'm annoyed that my chart is so confusing, but I can just add that to the long list of annoying things about this process.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I am starting to get discouraged

This month is feeling very similar to the last failed cycle. I am on CD 16 and so far pretty sure I haven't ovulated and I keep getting negative OPKs. Although when I looked at my chart tonight I realized my temp spiked slightly. I wasn't able to get a temp on Friday since I didn't really SLEEP. I went shopping VERY early and didn't sleep until around 11am and then only for an hour or so. Then I went to be at 9 last night.

I'm not sure what this is. My charts are extremely annoying. And I can feel myself starting to talk myself down. I am trying to keep up a little bit of hope but I'm back to being REALLY angry with my body.

I know that false positive OPKs are common with PCOS- but I can't help but wonder if it affects negative results as well. I'm too tired to look it up. I will tomorrow when I get home from church I suppose.

I truly did have a wonderful thanksgiving and got some decent deals yesterday.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Acupuncture Review

WARNING- This first part is a bit long and detailed. If you want the short version- scroll down. 

This afternoon I had my very first acupuncture appointment. I was very excited albeit nervous about the process. I got there on time, filled out all the paperwork and didn't have to wait very long at all.

The acupuncturist brought me back to an area with a few chairs and we discussed the ailments I had listed on the paperwork. My two focuses were the PCOS (and irregular cycles/anovulation caused by this) and my depression. I had also listed problems with my knees, although I wasn't focused on fixing that particular ailment.

After we discussed all of that she gave me a very brief rundown of what to expect. She then led me into a room with approximately 5 chairs, and a few other things. This was clearly a room used for massage and other treatments. I was led to one of the chairs (which reminded me of a lounge beach chair) and instructed to take off my shoes/socks and place them in the plastic bin under the chair.

After I sat down she asked if I could roll my pant legs up to my knees since she wanted to work on my knee problems during this session. I was able to and she started inserting the needles. She had mentioned that the needles shouldn't hurt after they are in, but they would pinch and sometimes hurt a little when going in.

She started on my ears, telling me that she has had a lot of luck regulating cycles with the ears. She then moved to my left wrist and this was the one that hurt the most. She tapped one of the needles in and then had to insert it a little deeper and it was like a current sort of. Not painful really, but not comfortable. Once it was in however, it did not hurt. She then moved to my knees, and my right wrist, and then back to my other ear.

She had originally mentioned leaving them in for 45 minutes, but after I mentioned my inability to sit still for long, she shortened it to 30 or so.


Overall the treatment was very relaxing, despite the fact that I couldn't get my mind to STOP. And I still couldn't stop fidgeting but I think I was able to keep it under control enough so that it didn't hinder the process.

She suggested that I come back weekly, and I scheduled another appointment for next week.
I felt like she could have explained some things better, but I think sometimes my "research it all" attitude leads doctors and others to feel that I don't need as much explaining... I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I asked Paul to tell me how he feels it worked as far as the depression goes. I feel better today, but I am cautious to be too optimistic. I could just be in a good mood today, but tomorrow or next week could be worse. I feel lighter, which to those who have been depressed before this should make plenty of sense.

My knees feel fine, but again, I'm just waiting to see longer term results.

I am by no means being skeptical. I am worried that I will end up with a placebo effect that won't last however, so I'm trying to find that balance.

So hopefully in the next few weeks my posts will be much lighter and I will continue to be productive. I have much to do tomorrow and it would be nice to get it all done for a change.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Update of sorts

Paul has been on vacation this week, and it's been a vacation of sorts for me as well. We laid around, read and did a few house projects. I got through 4 books and thoroughly enjoyed myself. We only fought once in the week, which for us lately is a feat. I think he really needed the break. I don't pretend to think that he is the only one at fault for us fighting, but it sure is easier to NOT fight with someone who isn't snapping at you all the time.

In other news, I am going to my first acupuncture appointment tomorrow morning. I had originally done research on the effects on acupuncture with fertility treatments, and had found glowing reviews. Then I learned a bit about its effects on depression and I was sold. I am getting increasingly excited about this appointment. I'm not getting my hopes up about any help I may receive with this cycle, since I'm about halfway through already, but if she can help with even my depression that would be fantastic.

We had a conversation this evening about TTC. I told him I am considering taking a break if this cycle doesn't work. I just don't want to deal with it all right now. I don't know if I really will, but right now I can't for the life of me remember why we started all this.

This led to a discussion about what we wanted. I have felt for a while like Paul didn't really care about TTC. He has always been VERY pro adoption. I am as well but having a biological child is very important to me. I want to have OUR child. I want to see his smile on a child with my eyes. And I have felt that the doesn't want this as much as I do and he has pushed on more than one occasion to start the adoption process. Tonight I asked him why. Turns out I could have saved myself a whole lot of anxiety. He was under the impression that I was feeling pressure to give him a baby.Or as he put it "to give me a SON" LOL. I am amazed at how much we misunderstand each other sometimes. His enthusiasm was only his way of telling me that it was OK if at any point I don't want to try anymore.
I love that man. Even if he is so very maddening at times.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Seeing Red

I have never been so happy to see my period in my life. I was so afraid that the progesterone wouldn't work, like last time. But AF arrived yesterday.

So now we start the Clomid and wait.

I have been in the dumps for a few days. Part of this was due to me preparing myself for another postponed cycle, and the other part was running out of my anti-depressants and not having them for 4 days. I hate being so dependent on these. I literally cannot function without them. I can hardly function with them. It's very frustrating.

I have been depressed before, as I've posted about- but somehow this time has been so much worse.

I'm just rambling now. I'm going to head to class and then get ready for my girls night out. I desperately need this. We are doing dinner and a chick flick. I am ridiculously excited. I need some estrogen ;)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

A few updates

I have a few random thoughts that really don't make a coherent post... so here we go.

First of all, I will be getting baptized for the first time on Sunday. It came up rather quickly and my husband and I will be doing it together. I have appreciated the comments about faith. I have been doing a bit better, and I think the new doctor has helped me feel better about the entire situation and move forward. I am still not in a great place, but God has showed me quite a few lessons in the last few days, and I think this baptism will truly be a renewal for me. Pray for me as I deal with my emotions on the situation this week.

I threw out the Paleolithic diet after starting the Metformin. I hate it- the Met that is. It made me so sick and a friend of mine informed me that following the GI diet helped to ease the side effects from the Met. Shortly after DH became sick of the Paleo diet and decided to stand with me on the GI diet. So I've ordered a book from Amazon and am learning as much as I can online for now. If anyone has any advice or good links I would appreciate it!

As I mentioned, I was having problems with the Metformin. Without going into too much detail I will just say that I didn't eat much of anything on Saturday because my stomach was so unsettled. And I spent plenty of time in the restroom.
I sought out advice from a few friends who have been through this and learned a few tricks. As of today I haven't had any side effects! I'm going to increase my dosage tomorrow in hopes that my body has adapted, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I am really hoping that the Met works, because if I have to go through this for nothing, I won't be happy LOL.