Thursday, January 13, 2011

Rambling feelings post

In an attempt to actually deal with my feelings instead of repress them- I will process them by blogging.

I am really down this morning. I think it stemmed from seeing the Maternity clothes in the back of my closet. Two years ago, they were given to me by various friends. I thought I would be wearing them by now. But I am not, and I don't know if I will!

Do I give them away? That would seem like I really am giving up.

I am glad my foster class is tonight (my first one was canceled on Tues because of the snow). I really think that will help this mood. I know that we are getting closer to becoming a family, and even though I am still dealing with my feelings about not TTC. I'm sure this isn't a short process, and even once we have a child, I will still mourn the pregnancy process.

That is something DH doesn't understand. He is a fixer, as most men are. He sees the solution to the problem (adoption/fostercare) and forgets about the reason we made that decision. He wants me to be "better" and while I have come a long way, I still struggle every day to be productive instead of crawling into bed and staying there.

And as usual, I hate limbo. Although we are on the path to FC, we are in limbo again. We also just found out about a position opening within DHs company. He REALLY wants this job and I really want this for him, and us too. It would mean a lot of good changes, including schedule. As much as I am excited about this opportunity, I feel like it puts us in more limbo.

I am also starting to feel left out with certain friends of mine. When a discussion comes up about certain kid things, I cannot contribute. Either it is something I haven't experienced yet, or my opinion is discounted because I am not a mom yet. I know this will change soon, and I look forward to that- but it is still hard.

I have to remember to blog on days that i feel like this. I tend to think that because I'm doing better, I don't need to process these emotions. But if anything, I need to more so that I don't wind up back at square one.
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