Thursday, December 2, 2010

It always seems that when I THINK I know what I am really feeling

it changes.

I thought I was OK with stopping fertility treatments, and mostly halting TTC because of my PCOS.

And then this week I'm ANGRY. I've been angry before. I've been angry at myself, I've been angry at my husband. and I've been angry at God (which admittedly was not productive). And now I'm angry at pregnant women. Which sucks because I have a lot of GREAT pregnant women in my life right now. My cousin/BFF who probably knows me better than anyone is PG and it KILLS me some days. I really want to be happy for her, but I'm angry.

A few GOOD friends of DH and I are pregnant and posting ALL over FB. I LOVE these women dearly and they both have had problems conceiving and deserve to be Mothers more than some. But I'm angry at them.

And then that turns to anger at myself. Because they don't deserve my anger! It's not their fault MY body doesn't work and theirs does. But if you follow that logic- NO ONE deserves my anger. And then I'm back to square one.

Please pray for me this week. I know that fertility treatments aren't a good idea for me right now. But that depression that I was trying to avoid seems to be creeping back up to me. I'm trying to make changes (like going back to the gym) and hoping that this isn't because of stopping TTC, it's because of other things.

And really- I feel like I can't win. Keep TTC and run myself into a deep depression. Stop TTC and run myself into a deep depression.

So my only option is stick with my decision and pray for God to help me. Because I need it. I can't do this without him. I'm brokenhearted some days. Christmas commercials are really bad because I have no idea WHEN DH and I will be a family. When he will be a father. When I will be a mother.
Sometimes I just burst into tears because of something related to not having kids yet. Or being scared of what lies ahead.

I need God to give me strength. I would appreciate any prayers you can spare. My emotions are all over the place lately. And physically I'm exhausted as well.

6 comments:

  1. *hugs* I am thinking of you and hoping for some peace for your thoughts.

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  2. I'm thinking of you as well. Hoping you can enjoy Christmas without the burden of infertility's pain. Big hugs!

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  3. Sorry your feeling this way right now. ~hugs~ and lots of prayers heading your way..

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  4. praying, praying, and praying... Honey infertility is so hard and I've been there... I am praying for you both.

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  5. I'm so sorry, buddy. I totally know how you feel. It's so lose/lose.

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  6. Well, I'm not infertile as far as I know, but those facebook pictures make me upset too. I conceived and gave birth to a stillborn, full term, perfect baby boy 10 days ago. I had FOUR friends have babies on that date or within the last 10 days and post all over the freaking Internet. I feel pain as you do. I wouldn't try to compare who is in a better position, because we both have our struggles. Christmas is definitely not my time of year at this point and it hurts deeply.

    Praying for God to grant us peace. Perhaps the new year will bring joy.

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