Update on us

*WARNING* This is extremely long. I think it might reach the length of a small novel ;)

We are licensed, as I posted a few weeks ago. What I haven't posted is that following Monday, our licensing worker called to tell us that we were licensed (which I knew) and also to tell us about an adoptive placement. We spent the next week learning all we could about Lil Man (4) and Lil G (will be 3 in a couple weeks). We met them for the first time on Friday, and have had two visits since then. The CW and the kids therapist agree that we are moving forward with an adoptive match.

The plan is to continue with as many visits as we can fit into a week. Starting next week we will be moving the visits to our home and starting with visits without FosterMom (who has been amazing throughout this, despite her internal struggles with letting them go). We have a tentative move in timeline for the beginning of October, and the parental rights will be terminated (assuming all goes well at court) on Sept 29th.

I am a bundle of emotions. Until today, I haven't let myself believe that this is actually happening, thus the lack of blogging about it.

But I am madly in love with these children. Lil man loves cars, is incredibly smart and has the most amazing laugh. Lil G is a girly girl at heart and yet still loves to get dirty and still manages to be a tomboy. They are not without their faults, and are in therapy for separate issues, but in a very short few days I've grown to love them more than I would imagine possible. I can't believe I have to wait until Thursday to see them again, and then I probably won't see them again until the following Tuesday.

Amidst all of this joy, is a teeny bit of absolute terror. In a matter of a few short weeks, I will instantly morph into a MOM! A mom to two energetic preschoolers!! I have a million things to do and a thousand more things to worry about. I worry about attachment disorders on a constant basis. I worry that the transition won't go smoothly and we cause further issues. I worry that termination won't happen and suddenly these beautiful children will be taken from me. I worry that they will be hurt somehow through this. I worry that they won't see how much we love them already, and that they might resent us. I worry that someone from DHS will suddenly look at me and say "Wait, you can't be a mom- what were we thinking?" Ok I admit, that last one is completely beyond irrational- but sometimes I do feel that way. Sometimes the child in me gets overwhelmed and says "Who said I get to be an adult? Who said this was a good idea? I'm not old enough for this!!!!"

And then that nurturing side in me longs for them to be home. My house is so quiet. We got home from visiting them this evening and the silence was deafening. I wanted so badly to hear Lil G's stutter, and hear Lil Man ask me a thousand questions about one small thing. I want right now for them to be upstairs in the bedrooms I'm trying to get ready for them. I want to know what they were thinking before they went to sleep. I want to be the one to see them first thing in the morning.

I know that this transition is the best thing for all of us, and I enjoy every second I get with them- but that little selfish part of me wants them to be mine, forever- right now. I suppose I've waited this long, I can wait a few weeks more.

And in all of this I praise God for his infinite wisdom. While I was begging him to be pregnant throughout these years, he was watching over these two. He knows all, and he knows better than I could ever imagine. He knows the needs that these children have, and he knew how to time things perfectly. How we would be licensed at the exact right moment to meet them, and he placed them with a foster family who could surround them with more love than they have ever known. He could place them with a foster mom who could manage to see right into my heart and know what my true motives and desires are. He knows all and he always has. I knew this somewhere but somehow, today- I know it so much more. I know that even if my fears come true, and the worst happens- that we were meant to love these kids. That we were meant to go down this path, and that no matter what happens, he will carry us through, and we will be victorious. We are meant to love children, I have always known this. And today, I am starting to get a glimpse of his master plan. Only a small glimpse, because I don't believe I could handle it all at once. But it's a wonderfully crafted, and beautiful plan.

If you managed to get to the end of this, I apologize for the ranting, but it's been pent up and I needed to get all of that out. I am so blessed today.