Thursday, February 25, 2010

Thank you for all your support

It's been a bad couple of days, as you can clearly see from my post yesterday. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. And you'd think I would be used to that at this point.

Today was a pretty good day as days go for me. I skipped school, which is BAD, since I need to do well this semester. I wasn't planning on it, but when it came time to leave- I just couldn't. Just when I think I have a handle on this depression, it kicks me in the butt again. Leaving my house causes anxiety. And there are some things that I have to face the anxiety for, and those things change daily. Most of the time, the list is my grandmother, my nephews, church and school. And usually my  BFFs. Some days that it limited to just my grandmother or my nephews. And even then, sometimes I put it off. Things like getting an oil change and going to the bank somehow always get put off. I finally deposited my student loan check that has been sitting in my van for two weeks now....

The good parts included finishing two and a half loads of laundry, finishing my menu for the week and going grocery shopping. I also deposited the check as mentioned above, but only because I was already out. And the best part of the day was spending it with my nephew Joshua. I am seriously in love with this kid. He is at that age (13 mo) where it seems that EVERYTHING he does is cute. He walks cute, he eats cute (albeit messy), he talks cute etc. And he and I are BFFs. Here is a cute pic of my favorite guy in the whole world (sorry honey, he trumps you)

As you can imagine, one evening with this guy and suddenly the world seems brighter.

And after DH took him home, I realized once again how much I love this kid. And I thought about how it will feel different than the love I will have when/if I have a baby. And then I thought about the teens in my youth group, who I love very much as well. Maybe I'm just meant to love other peoples children. Because trust me, if I could just keep Joshua and get away with it- I would be a happy woman! LOL

Only God knows the plan for my life, but I keep looking for clues as to which way I'm supposed to go. Because honestly- this is getting frustrating. But then again, what about this journey ISN'T frustrating?

I really appreciate all of your supportive comments. I swear I will get better at responding, but right now it's all I can do to try and keep my brain straight.


  1. Oh, I completely understand the feeling of loving everyone else's kids! I cried the last time we had to take my 1-year-old niece back to her parents after watching her for an entire weekend. She's so sweet and easy to care for. (unlike my super active nephews! lol)

    I'll be praying for you! I too want God's plan for my life. These unfulfilled longings are just so hard. Take care! HUGS!

  2. you know what.... at least you know that God DOES have a plan for you life... He does and you will know it...and you will know His peace... as time goes on... this journey will not be one of anxiety, depression, sadness... the SONshine will come... it really will and you will indeed be a mom some day... some way...

  3. We all have days where we feel different things and need to express different things. *Hugs*