I had come to accept that God was in control of my life. And for a while, I was even ok with giving him control of our TTC efforts. But somehow along the way I have tried to take it back little by little. And it's not that I don't believe that his timing is best, I do- believe me. But somehow, I have backed off and God and I are not really on good terms right now. It's not that I don't believe he is there, or even that he cares about us. And it's not that I am angry with God. I'm just frustrated. I don't understand his reasoning. And that's what bothers me the most. I would be fine adopting if we couldn't conceive (ok- not at first, but I would be ok eventually) but I DON'T KNOW.
That is the WORST part of IF for me. The not knowing. Not knowing if the clomid will work. Not knowing if the OPK was a false positive or not. Not knowing if this is the ONLY problem. Not knowing what the next year of my life will mean. And isn't that what Faith is? Trusting God's plan for your life even when you DON'T KNOW. That has always been a problem for me. And this verse seemed to help in the past, I think I will have to sticky it on my desktop or something:
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I trust that... at least most of the time. But when I see my cousin, who has two kids, a gangster boyfriend and is a mediocre mom at best- get pregnant accidentally, it just gets me in the gut. It is NOT FAIR. And life is not fair, I know that. If I got everything I deserved, I would haven't my salvation. But somehow that's of little comfort when I can't make my body do what comes so natural to most women.
My faith in God and my relationship with him has made me uncomfortable in church. I assist with our youth group and I love these kids, and I love spending time with them and helping them, but a part of me wonders if I am doing them any good right now. How can I influence them to trust God in their lives, when I can't seem to trust him in mine?