Saturday, October 16, 2010

I'm sure you've guessed by my silence....

That I am not pregnant. Took a test last Sat, and it was Neg, but it was only 12DPO so I was still holding on to hope. Took another test Sun, and BFN. Mon morn was my Beta and it came back at 0.

That was a bad day. It's been a bad week. All of that hope that I was holding on to came back to hit me in the face HARD. It wasn't just hope though.

And then, after the beta, my temp stayed up all the way until Thursday and AF didn't arrive until yesterday. So of course I deluded myself even further into thinking that maybe I WAS PG and that the beta didn't show anything because implantation occurred late and that if AF didn't show on Fri then I would POAS and it would be positive.

So yesterday was a bad day too. That's when it REALLLY hit me. When I REALLY realized that this was NOT the cycle. And while I didn't really cry (I got most of that out on the drive home from the Drs on Mon) I sunk into a depression. I was having an anxiety attack at the grocery store because I didn't want to be anywhere but safe at home, which was the last place I really needed to be for my own good.

I am a person who believes in intuition, gut feeling, instincts or whatever you want to call it. I suppose I feel that my intuition is how I can feel God's guidance. I've always had a "gut feeling" about just about anything in my life. And when my gut tells me to do something, or that something is or isn't going to work out- I generally trust it.

Well I was SURE that I was PG this cycle. I thought it was my intuition, and that God was giving me this assurance that this was going to work.

I was wrong. VERY wrong. I managed to delude myself into thinking that I could actually will myself to be pregnant. So this BFN wasn't just telling me that I wasn't pregnant, it was telling me that I can't trust my intuition or gut feeling anymore. I'm questioning a LOT of things.

Like the fact that I thought God had given me peace that I WILL be pregnant and have my own child one day. What if I just made that up in my head and convinced myself that it was God?

And it's not just about TTC either. I feel like I can't trust my instincts or my intuition about things like the guys my BFF dates, or about people that I meet. And I feel like I've lost a big part of who I am. I am second guessing every decision I make, and that has caused me to hole myself up at home.

I've tried to get out, because I am not a person who should be allowed to be at home alone for extended periods of time. My depression tends to get the better of me then. So last night I took my time doing a lot of things just to avoid feeling like I was sitting here alone.

All in all I'm doing a little better today. I am getting ready to leave to go to my nephew's 3rd birthday party. I am very excited for this and I can't believe he is 3, but I'm not looking forward to being around a bunch of people.

Tonight DH is taking me to see "Life as we Know it" which I am VERY excited for. I want to see that movie SO bad and every time I see a preview I get excited!

So I'm pulling myself back out, and God is helping me, although I admit that I am back to being a little angry with him and feel a bit like I can't here or feel him. It's very frustrating.

9 comments:

  1. *sigh* I'd give advice if I wasn't lost right now, too. Hey, if you ever decide you want a break, I'm only 10 hours away and would be happy to offer up my couch and volunteer to take you around ;-)

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  2. So sorry it didn't work out :( I hate that... when our intuition fails us! Hang in there!

    Let us know how the movie it... can't wait to see it too!

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  3. I'm so sorry! I did that so many times - convinced myself, even after negative betas, that I really could still be pregnant. And there were many times when I'd pray about having a baby and feel God's peace about that, only to get a negative test. It is so confusing and frustrating! The only conclusion I came to was that God did have a baby for me, either biological or adopted, and that I'd have that child at some point. But the wait was still so hard. HUGS!

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