Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Terrified

That's my new description for how I feel.

Terrified of not being pregnant. Terrified of sinking deeper into this hole that I have found myself in again. The hole that took me SO LONG to climb out of. And terrified of letting myself get my hopes up only to be devastated again.

I didn't really blog about my last BFN, because I didn't know how to express what I felt. I think I was mostly ignoring it entirely. I was trying SO HARD to pretend that I was OK with the fact that I wasn't pregnant. And I was slowly sinking into a hole I didn't know was under my feet. And then I realized one day that I had sunk back down. I sat in front of the TV for an ENTIRE DAY. I did nothing except play on my laptop and watch TV. While my laundry and dishes piled up and my other commitments went by the wayside.

To some, this may seem like no big deal. This may seem like a dream for most overworked women. But for me it's a sign of a bad habit that I used to have.

You see, last year, and even before TTC- when I was in the worst of my depression- this is ALL I DID, day in and day out. Slowly with the support of my family and friends I made my way out of the house, but I was still utterly useless at home.

When we moved back home (to my hometown) and I started working out, and doing other things to help me with my depression, I honestly felt a lot better. I don't think I would say that I was out of my depression, and I still clung to my antidepressants with all I had. But I was FUNCTIONING!! I had a clean house, clean MATCHED socks (seriously- this is a huge thing in our household) and was meeting at least most of my commitments to the best of my ability.

It doesn't escape my attention that I felt this great when we weren't TTC. We took this summer off of fertility treatments. I didn't chart, I didn't worry about anything. I took a couple PG tests just to be sure that I wasn't one of those "miracle" stories you hear about women who just stop trying and get PG. But other than that- I wasn't worried about it. Yes, I still wanted a child- and yes I still mourned the fact that I wasn't pregnant- but it was different.

And after the last cycle, when I was SO CONVINCED that I was pregnant- I am terrified of this getting worse. Today I've felt better. In the last week or so I have worked hard to get back to where I was. And I'm getting there. I'm only slightly more motivated- but I'm getting there. I CANNOT go back to that place. I CANNOT be that person again. And I feel like I don't have a choice. I feel like because of TTC- I've put myself back in a place where it just gets worse.

I feel like I have an anvil hanging over my head. And it has an expiration date. Because I might be able to put off POAS- but at some point in the next couple weeks- I WILL find out whether or not I'm pregnant. Even if I don't take a test, AF will show and the same truth will be revealed. And then I will end up back in the place that could have ended my marriage if I had continued much further.

Sorry for the ramble, my feelings are all jumbled up right now.

I think we are going to make the next TTC break a lot longer than I was originally thinking. I was just planning on taking a month. But I'm seriously considering stopping altogether right now. My previous need to carry a child is gone. I don't care anymore.

So I think after AF arrives, DH and I are going to seriously pursue adoption. We are going to finally fill out our foster care paperwork, and see if that is even an option (we've decided that we want one baby right now, and that drastically reduces our chances of a placement) and then start seriously looking into domestic adoption. Although we were previously worried about the cost- we've reconsidered. We will make it work and as bad as it sounds- we have some family members (that are very blessed) that would gladly donate to the cause of expanding our family.

Please pray for me next week. I will be POAS on Monday. And AF should arrive tues or wed- unless I have a super long luteal phase like last time. I don't know how I will react, but I know that the only way I will be able to get through it is with God's help and strength.

3 comments:

  1. I know that feeling all too well and I'm incredibly sorry you're close to that depression happening again. I really prayed and prayed and prayed this summer to be relieved from that mental and emotional pain and really only by the grace of God, I was. I still have moments but they don't last long these days, luckily. I had sunk so low and been miserable for so long that I had forgotten how happiness actually felt. I really pray that you can find that happiness as well.
    I think starting the adoption process will be a GREAT thing! I hope we can start it within the next year or two.

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  2. thanks for being so vulnerable. THIS is the reason that i thank God for bringing me to the blogs of christian women battling infertility like i am. for the first year, i just sulked in my own little depressed/infertile world, feeling everything you described, and feeling SO LONELY. now, i feel like i have a support system, and also a way to be in contact with others traveling this road so i can pray. i will pray for you. keep us posted:)

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  3. I am thinking of you and wishing you luck on poas. I think it's great that you guys have decided to pursue adoption. I hope it brings you much happiness.

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