I belong to a close knit message board, and each year we do an ornament exchange. I got mine early this year, and it was from a fellow IF friend. She sent me a beautiful ornament of a Hopi fertility deity name Kokopelli. Along with this, she sent me a note with my favorite bible verse written at the bottom. Jeremiah 29:11. I'm sure many of you know this verse. I'm sure some of you- like me- have said it over and over like a mantra, especially during the trying times of IF.
I have loved this verse for many years, and today- I found new meaning.
She had written it in a translation that I hadn't seen it in before. After some googling, I discovered it was English Standard Version. I usually like NKJV or NIV, and the new translations usually lack a certain reverence that I appreciate. But this might just change my mind. Here is the translation.
11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
A FUTURE AND A HOPE. God WANTS ME to have HOPE! I've been working very hard in the last couple months to not hope. Because hope has gotten me nowhere. But hope is necessary! I have to hope! I have to believe that he WILL bring me a child, because he CAN. Because he is the be all and end all. He is The Christ.
This is huge for me. Especially with AF arriving this morning. I am trying not to hope that I will get pregnant on my own, or hope that we will fly through adoption preceedings. But why not? I can hope! I need to focus my energy on doing everything I can to fulfill God's plan. But hope isn't bad!
If I hadn't hoped as I did last cycle, I wouldn't have been devastated- and I wouldn't have come to the conclusion that we need to stop and pursue adoption. What if there is a child RIGHT NOW who is being born, or about to be born that is waiting for me to love them? Why is it bad to hope?
I know that the hope that I have could disappoint me. But God never will. So if my hope fails me, God will hold me up and give me the strength I need.
God really does provide. I truly needed this tonight. Thank you Lord!!
Just found your blog...
ReplyDeleteI can relate to feeling like this - not wanting to hope because you know how much it will hurt if you're disappointed, but knowing that not having any hope at all is worse. I'm still waiting and hoping to see what God's plan for us to have a baby will be.
Hang in there, and good luck with beginning the adoption process!