Thursday, November 11, 2010

Relief, and more concerns

Finally making the decision to stop TTC for now and move to adoption has given me peace like I haven't had in a while.

And then I found google. And then I came up with a bunch of other worries.

What about my depression? I can't imagine that I would automatically be disqualified from adoption because of my depression, and since I've never been a danger to myself or anyone else I am hoping that it won't be a problem at all.

And then there are the logistics of Fostering vs domestic adoption. DH wants to foster, and while I want to as well, I don't think we will be successful with foster care because we are very specific in the age of a child we want to adopt (one infant, under the age of 6 months with no major health problems). So we are going to pursue both at the same time. But what about the financial aspect of this. I realize that I shouldn't have to pay much money up front to any adoption agency, but what if we put a lot of time into an adoption agency, only to have a placement with the foster care program that works perfectly for us? I'm sure God has a perfect plan for us, but it's one more thing to obsess about.

And then there are the finances in general. We have to start thinking about how we are coming up with the money.

And then there is the worry that no one will want to give me their baby. Why would they? Paul and I aren't rich by any means, and while we will provide a child with every need they could ever have, and many wants- we don't know if we will be able to pay for college educations, or weddings, or other things. We will live frugally and make sure our childrens needs are met. This is something that we are fine with, since it is important to us that I be a SAHM instead of having a lot of money.  But why would a birth mother be ok with this? She is wanting her child to go to a better home. Yes, I realize this is slightly irrational. But I've always had an issue with feeling unwanted or unwelcome in any situation.

And we aren't planning on staying in this house, so part of me wants to wait until we've bought a house (in theory around jan-feb) to start the process. But that reminds me of when we were moving before and I put off starting the foster care process. And I don't know if that's a good idea. I'm 98% sure that this house will pass a homestudy, so we could do that, and just get another one later when we buy a house, but if we have to pay for a homestudy than I don't want to pay for it twice.

And this is just the tip of the iceburg. The process seems so daunting to me right now. And then I freak out a little bit because I feel like I'm giving up again. Giving up on being pregnant. And I don't believe that- I have faith that I will be pregnant someday, but it's hard to remember that when I'm sitting in the last 2ww I'm going to have for a long time. I don't plan to go back on birth control, unless my OB/GYN wants me to because of the cysts. I don't like BCP so I don't want to.

My brain doesn't stop. And that's not really a bad thing. But my control freak self has found something else she can attempt to control. I feel like I have a greater sense of control over adoption. Even with all the things I can't control, it feels like something NEW I can attempt to control.

Man I'm crazy LOL!!

1 comment:

  1. (*hugs*) Not crazy at all. I've had a lot of those same thoughts while we've contemplated adoption. We're waiting on that for now, but keeping it in mind for the future. It is a very daunting process, and I wish you the best for your journey. Deep breaths, and remember it's one step at a time.