I can't do it all.
No really- I can't.
And in case you weren't aware- foster care is HARD. I'm having a rather hard few days because of these two things.
So many people told me that I shouldn't accept a placement right now. For a variety of reasons. But when I tried to tell God that I wasn't going to accept a placement, he laughed. And now we have J. I don't regret this. I believe that this is God's plan. But because so many people told me that I shouldn't do this- I had it in my mind that I had to don my cape and do this PERFECT. Because ya know- I was going to show em all.
And about 4 days in- I had a nervous breakdown. Because this adorable little child is a tornado in my home. The laundry isn't done, the dishes aren't done, and the house is a mess. And my kids? Well they are driving me crazy because (understandably so) they are reverting back to one year olds and making things more difficult. Is anyone surprised by these things? I'm not. But somehow- I thought that I was going to overcome all of that and suddenly be supermom.
So- a few days ago- I decided that my house was clean (MESSY- but not DIRTY- a distinction I've decided is key) and that I was doing my best. And things have been a little better.
But my kids still test my patience. I feel like no matter HOW MUCH extra attention I give to my daughter- it isn't enough for her. Which makes me feel like I'm not enough for her. And I start to question my every move. Should I have called her into my bedroom while I was doing my devotions? Even though I begged everyone for 15 minutes to myself so I could calm down? Am I being selfish? Am I asking my kids for too much help? Should I stop putting my two oldest down for quiet times so I can take that time to spend with them? Will it help?
Etc. The endless commentary that is going through my brain and second guessing everything.
I REALIZE that at this point, nothing I can do is good enough for my daughter in her mind. All I can do is try to show her that I love her and nothing is going to change that. And pray with all that I have that she remembers this time with fondness instead of bitterness. I pray that she remembers that God has called us to care for orphans, and that he called our family to Fostercare.
And I pray that we make a difference in J's life. I pray that this impacts all of us in a positive light.
I could use prayers this week. I can handle J and the acts of caring for him. I could do that with my eyes closed (and admittedly do sometimes!! lol) But the rest of it has become challenging for me. And this is me admitting it. And requesting prayers. Because I can't do this by myself. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" I am repeating that to myself over and over this week.
Dear Lord, please give me the strength and grace to handle all that is thrown my way this week. I know that you called me to this work, and that this is your plan. I pray that my children feel my love, and don't doubt anything. I pray that you give me the energy to spread my love as much as possible and to help them feel that love.