DH and I have been thinking about foster care for a while now. We hit a point where we had to address the reality that I might never be pregnant. And we began to seriously think about Fostering to Adopt.
Unfortunately, we can't start the process until we move, which won't be for at least another couple months. But it gives us time to think.
During that time God really gave me a peace about our TTC struggles. He let me know in his infinite way that I WILL be pregnant at some point. Of course, this doesn't mean that I will get pregnant right now, or that it is going to be easy. But he has given me peace about that, and I thank him for that. If we decide to move on to Foster care, I can do so without feeling like I am giving something very important up. Because I truly want his plan for my life.
But yesterday I was thinking about the idea of a mixed family in the sense of biological and adopted children. I worried about the fact that if we foster after we have one or more of our own biological children, we will inevitably limit ourselves dramatically in what age range we will accept, along with other factors. Because our first priority WILL be our biological child. And I don't feel guilty for that.
So I already know that it will be harder for us. And I keep saying that I feel that foster care is something that Paul and I are called to. But am I only saying that until I have a child of my own in my arms? Am I REALLY willing to do foster care after we have our own child?
And if we do- how long will we wait? Should our child be 5? Will we try for a second biological child?
I know that I can't have all the answers right now, and all these questions really aren't about answers. I suppose I felt the need to examine my intentions. And I see very clearly that God may not allow us to get pregnant in this time so that we can adopt a perfect child for US. A child that we may not consider adopting after we have our own child.
I can't say that I will be very happy with that plan in this moment, because the petty side of me mourns the first pregnancy and first time mom things that I will miss. A shower, being able to be pregnant without taking care of another child, being able to care for a newborn without having to worry about my first child. But I know that God's plan is SO perfect, that all of those things will fade away in time. And those things aren't really important.