My house is a mess (and I mean that more than you think, this isn't just kid mess- this is "I don't feel like cleaning ANYTHING mess) and I'm way behind on laundry- but I am JOYFUL. I feel like I'm coming out of my depression, but I'm not jumping the gun- I'm simply enjoying it.
I love these kids. More than I realized, and more than I thought possible. The true moment it hit me was in a conversation with DH about something, where the implication that they would be taken from us was brought up. Instinctively I thought "I can't lose them".
This may seem like a small thing, but for me- it was a turning point. I had been struggling- and I didn't feel like a MOM. I didn't feel like their mom for sure. But in that moment, I finally admitted to myself that they are MINE. God created them to be my children. I'm crying once again as I write this, because it's clearing up for me.
I spent two years crying over the desire for a baby. I wanted to be a mother SO badly, and I wanted to be pregnant. And I needed to go through all that to get to where I am now. If I had gotten pregnant right away, we probably still would have done fostercare down the road- but not right now. Not when our kids needed us. So all the whys, and the whens have been answered. I'm still foggy, but I'm starting to distance and see God's plan. It is beautiful and more amazing than I could ever imagine. G is starting to call me "Mommy" almost exclusively. Today she went on a string of "MOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOM" and I've never been more happy to be annoyed!
I feel like I need a quote, something to neatly wrap up how I feel about my life right now. I'm so blessed. I'm so excited for Christmas, and excited for every moment that is to come. God is good- SO GOOD.
Don't get me wrong, I still want to get pregnant (not right now) and I still want a baby- but that ache is gone. I'm a mom. I'm starting to feel it, believe it and trust it. These beautiful children came into our lives and have made me SO GRATEFUL for this holiday. This is truly the best Christmas I've ever spent.
I know that if anyone had told me in my moment of pain that I would be GRATEFUL for it- I would have slugged them. Truly- I would have. But today, I am grateful for every tear and every heartbreaking moment. Because I am here today, and I know that not only was it worth the pain- it was completely necessary. And I am truly stronger.
I wish all of you a very merry Christmas, and if you are still struggling you are in my prayers. I pray that you find God's path for you, whatever that may be- and that he carries through through this time.
