Lil Man and Lil G are set to move in on October 6th. We are planning to tell them about the plan in a couple weeks, unless they ask before then.
I am on cloud 9000009. I don't think anything could bring me down today. We get to see the kids again tomorrow, and I just can't wait. I've been on the phone for over an hour or so talking to the CW and the therapist about various things. It's important to keep them in school (headstart in our area), so I'm working on getting them enrolled now so they can start school immediately after they move in.
And I also have a list of things to buy and do before they move in. It's a whirlwind from here on out! These might be the longest and yet shortest 3 weeks of my life!!!!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Update on us
*WARNING* This is extremely long. I think it might reach the length of a small novel ;)
We are licensed, as I posted a few weeks ago. What I haven't posted is that following Monday, our licensing worker called to tell us that we were licensed (which I knew) and also to tell us about an adoptive placement. We spent the next week learning all we could about Lil Man (4) and Lil G (will be 3 in a couple weeks). We met them for the first time on Friday, and have had two visits since then. The CW and the kids therapist agree that we are moving forward with an adoptive match.
The plan is to continue with as many visits as we can fit into a week. Starting next week we will be moving the visits to our home and starting with visits without FosterMom (who has been amazing throughout this, despite her internal struggles with letting them go). We have a tentative move in timeline for the beginning of October, and the parental rights will be terminated (assuming all goes well at court) on Sept 29th.
I am a bundle of emotions. Until today, I haven't let myself believe that this is actually happening, thus the lack of blogging about it.
But I am madly in love with these children. Lil man loves cars, is incredibly smart and has the most amazing laugh. Lil G is a girly girl at heart and yet still loves to get dirty and still manages to be a tomboy. They are not without their faults, and are in therapy for separate issues, but in a very short few days I've grown to love them more than I would imagine possible. I can't believe I have to wait until Thursday to see them again, and then I probably won't see them again until the following Tuesday.
Amidst all of this joy, is a teeny bit of absolute terror. In a matter of a few short weeks, I will instantly morph into a MOM! A mom to two energetic preschoolers!! I have a million things to do and a thousand more things to worry about. I worry about attachment disorders on a constant basis. I worry that the transition won't go smoothly and we cause further issues. I worry that termination won't happen and suddenly these beautiful children will be taken from me. I worry that they will be hurt somehow through this. I worry that they won't see how much we love them already, and that they might resent us. I worry that someone from DHS will suddenly look at me and say "Wait, you can't be a mom- what were we thinking?" Ok I admit, that last one is completely beyond irrational- but sometimes I do feel that way. Sometimes the child in me gets overwhelmed and says "Who said I get to be an adult? Who said this was a good idea? I'm not old enough for this!!!!"
And then that nurturing side in me longs for them to be home. My house is so quiet. We got home from visiting them this evening and the silence was deafening. I wanted so badly to hear Lil G's stutter, and hear Lil Man ask me a thousand questions about one small thing. I want right now for them to be upstairs in the bedrooms I'm trying to get ready for them. I want to know what they were thinking before they went to sleep. I want to be the one to see them first thing in the morning.
I know that this transition is the best thing for all of us, and I enjoy every second I get with them- but that little selfish part of me wants them to be mine, forever- right now. I suppose I've waited this long, I can wait a few weeks more.
And in all of this I praise God for his infinite wisdom. While I was begging him to be pregnant throughout these years, he was watching over these two. He knows all, and he knows better than I could ever imagine. He knows the needs that these children have, and he knew how to time things perfectly. How we would be licensed at the exact right moment to meet them, and he placed them with a foster family who could surround them with more love than they have ever known. He could place them with a foster mom who could manage to see right into my heart and know what my true motives and desires are. He knows all and he always has. I knew this somewhere but somehow, today- I know it so much more. I know that even if my fears come true, and the worst happens- that we were meant to love these kids. That we were meant to go down this path, and that no matter what happens, he will carry us through, and we will be victorious. We are meant to love children, I have always known this. And today, I am starting to get a glimpse of his master plan. Only a small glimpse, because I don't believe I could handle it all at once. But it's a wonderfully crafted, and beautiful plan.
If you managed to get to the end of this, I apologize for the ranting, but it's been pent up and I needed to get all of that out. I am so blessed today.
We are licensed, as I posted a few weeks ago. What I haven't posted is that following Monday, our licensing worker called to tell us that we were licensed (which I knew) and also to tell us about an adoptive placement. We spent the next week learning all we could about Lil Man (4) and Lil G (will be 3 in a couple weeks). We met them for the first time on Friday, and have had two visits since then. The CW and the kids therapist agree that we are moving forward with an adoptive match.
The plan is to continue with as many visits as we can fit into a week. Starting next week we will be moving the visits to our home and starting with visits without FosterMom (who has been amazing throughout this, despite her internal struggles with letting them go). We have a tentative move in timeline for the beginning of October, and the parental rights will be terminated (assuming all goes well at court) on Sept 29th.
I am a bundle of emotions. Until today, I haven't let myself believe that this is actually happening, thus the lack of blogging about it.
But I am madly in love with these children. Lil man loves cars, is incredibly smart and has the most amazing laugh. Lil G is a girly girl at heart and yet still loves to get dirty and still manages to be a tomboy. They are not without their faults, and are in therapy for separate issues, but in a very short few days I've grown to love them more than I would imagine possible. I can't believe I have to wait until Thursday to see them again, and then I probably won't see them again until the following Tuesday.
Amidst all of this joy, is a teeny bit of absolute terror. In a matter of a few short weeks, I will instantly morph into a MOM! A mom to two energetic preschoolers!! I have a million things to do and a thousand more things to worry about. I worry about attachment disorders on a constant basis. I worry that the transition won't go smoothly and we cause further issues. I worry that termination won't happen and suddenly these beautiful children will be taken from me. I worry that they will be hurt somehow through this. I worry that they won't see how much we love them already, and that they might resent us. I worry that someone from DHS will suddenly look at me and say "Wait, you can't be a mom- what were we thinking?" Ok I admit, that last one is completely beyond irrational- but sometimes I do feel that way. Sometimes the child in me gets overwhelmed and says "Who said I get to be an adult? Who said this was a good idea? I'm not old enough for this!!!!"
And then that nurturing side in me longs for them to be home. My house is so quiet. We got home from visiting them this evening and the silence was deafening. I wanted so badly to hear Lil G's stutter, and hear Lil Man ask me a thousand questions about one small thing. I want right now for them to be upstairs in the bedrooms I'm trying to get ready for them. I want to know what they were thinking before they went to sleep. I want to be the one to see them first thing in the morning.
I know that this transition is the best thing for all of us, and I enjoy every second I get with them- but that little selfish part of me wants them to be mine, forever- right now. I suppose I've waited this long, I can wait a few weeks more.
And in all of this I praise God for his infinite wisdom. While I was begging him to be pregnant throughout these years, he was watching over these two. He knows all, and he knows better than I could ever imagine. He knows the needs that these children have, and he knew how to time things perfectly. How we would be licensed at the exact right moment to meet them, and he placed them with a foster family who could surround them with more love than they have ever known. He could place them with a foster mom who could manage to see right into my heart and know what my true motives and desires are. He knows all and he always has. I knew this somewhere but somehow, today- I know it so much more. I know that even if my fears come true, and the worst happens- that we were meant to love these kids. That we were meant to go down this path, and that no matter what happens, he will carry us through, and we will be victorious. We are meant to love children, I have always known this. And today, I am starting to get a glimpse of his master plan. Only a small glimpse, because I don't believe I could handle it all at once. But it's a wonderfully crafted, and beautiful plan.
If you managed to get to the end of this, I apologize for the ranting, but it's been pent up and I needed to get all of that out. I am so blessed today.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
WE ARE LICENSED!!!
Finally after 8 months, and quite a few struggles with our Licensing worker, we are finally licensed. Our homestudy wasn't finished until about two weeks ago. That was an issue for me, but it was resolved once I emailed our LW's supervisor. And now we are done!
So now we wait- which should seem like second nature to me, but instead feels like torture.
My cousin is pregnant again. This is the cousin who has three children already. She doesn't want this pregnancy and is actually struggling right now to find a place to live. I have been handling it VERY well IMO- but I would really be happy for anything to take my mind off of the fact that once again, she has what I have tried SO HARD to have.
I am looking forward to having this house full- and I hope the call comes soon! God has a plan and we have finished our part for now- so we just wait on him.
I think I will try to find some money for DH and I to go out to eat tonight. We need to celebrate, and we may not have many child free nights left!! :D
So now we wait- which should seem like second nature to me, but instead feels like torture.
My cousin is pregnant again. This is the cousin who has three children already. She doesn't want this pregnancy and is actually struggling right now to find a place to live. I have been handling it VERY well IMO- but I would really be happy for anything to take my mind off of the fact that once again, she has what I have tried SO HARD to have.
I am looking forward to having this house full- and I hope the call comes soon! God has a plan and we have finished our part for now- so we just wait on him.
I think I will try to find some money for DH and I to go out to eat tonight. We need to celebrate, and we may not have many child free nights left!! :D
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Final Homestudy Meeting
We had our final homestudy meeting yesterday. It went very well and I'm so glad this is over.
I was very tired since I had stayed in the hospital the night before with my Grandma. She was admitted into the hospital on Sunday, and ended up with a similar problem as she did last year (spent a month in the hospital, several infections and a couple surgeries) but on a much smaller scale. I am actually in the hospital right now with her, and she is sleeping. She looks much better and will hopefully be able to go home shortly.
Thankfully Chris understood that I was very tired, and I'm hoping she didn't hold my fatigue against me. I can't even remember half of the answers I gave LOL!
Chris asked all the same questions of me that she asked of Paul, but my family section went a little quicker ;). She then went on to ask us about our relationship, how we resolve conflicts, how we handle stressful situations etc. She also asked us to name something difficult that we have come through together. We had a few, but our struggles with trying to get pregnant was the first that came to mind.
She asked about our discipline thoughts, and asked about how we were disciplined as kids, and what we would do the same and different as our parents.
Finally she asked us what our preferences were for placements. We said up to 4 kids at a time, ages 0-5 with no racial or gender specifications. We also said that we didn't want any severe physical or mental needs. This is very different from what we had originally said, but she told us that we can always say no. And we can always change that later on too.
I just know that if we were presented with a sibling placement like what she mentioned before (5, 3, 1.5 and 2mo) and there weren't any severe needs- I wouldn't be able to say no- despite the fact that we originally said nothing over 3.
I think God definitely knows what we can handle and we will hopefully be able to discern whether or not each placement is right for us.
I am really excited for this process. I asked Chris how long it would take for us to be officially licensed, and she gave me the following timeline. She will finish the report and likely send it out to her supervisor next week. It will take her supervisor approximately 1 week to review it and approve it. Then it gets sent to Lansing where it will be reviewed by someone in their department. According to Chris, that could take up to 2 months, but she added that the person who has been approving them lately is much quicker than others before her.
So I'm expecting about 2 months total.
HOWEVER- I have been told (by some awesome Foster mom friends of mine) that once the Homestudy is completed (I'm assuming that means her supervisor has approved it) we can be presented with placements provisionally- and this can happen when they are especially desperate. So although I'm expecting and planning for about 2 months, I'm also prepared for something a little more immediate.
Either way, we know that God has a plan and we are just along for the ride! And what an interesting ride it has been so far!
I was very tired since I had stayed in the hospital the night before with my Grandma. She was admitted into the hospital on Sunday, and ended up with a similar problem as she did last year (spent a month in the hospital, several infections and a couple surgeries) but on a much smaller scale. I am actually in the hospital right now with her, and she is sleeping. She looks much better and will hopefully be able to go home shortly.
Thankfully Chris understood that I was very tired, and I'm hoping she didn't hold my fatigue against me. I can't even remember half of the answers I gave LOL!
Chris asked all the same questions of me that she asked of Paul, but my family section went a little quicker ;). She then went on to ask us about our relationship, how we resolve conflicts, how we handle stressful situations etc. She also asked us to name something difficult that we have come through together. We had a few, but our struggles with trying to get pregnant was the first that came to mind.
She asked about our discipline thoughts, and asked about how we were disciplined as kids, and what we would do the same and different as our parents.
Finally she asked us what our preferences were for placements. We said up to 4 kids at a time, ages 0-5 with no racial or gender specifications. We also said that we didn't want any severe physical or mental needs. This is very different from what we had originally said, but she told us that we can always say no. And we can always change that later on too.
I just know that if we were presented with a sibling placement like what she mentioned before (5, 3, 1.5 and 2mo) and there weren't any severe needs- I wouldn't be able to say no- despite the fact that we originally said nothing over 3.
I think God definitely knows what we can handle and we will hopefully be able to discern whether or not each placement is right for us.
I am really excited for this process. I asked Chris how long it would take for us to be officially licensed, and she gave me the following timeline. She will finish the report and likely send it out to her supervisor next week. It will take her supervisor approximately 1 week to review it and approve it. Then it gets sent to Lansing where it will be reviewed by someone in their department. According to Chris, that could take up to 2 months, but she added that the person who has been approving them lately is much quicker than others before her.
So I'm expecting about 2 months total.
HOWEVER- I have been told (by some awesome Foster mom friends of mine) that once the Homestudy is completed (I'm assuming that means her supervisor has approved it) we can be presented with placements provisionally- and this can happen when they are especially desperate. So although I'm expecting and planning for about 2 months, I'm also prepared for something a little more immediate.
Either way, we know that God has a plan and we are just along for the ride! And what an interesting ride it has been so far!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Homestudy!
Today was the first visit of the Homestudy. It was quite invasive, but in a good way.
Chris (our licensing worker) came at 9am and after a little bit of paperwork- she started asking us questions. She began with taking a brief description of the layout of the house, and then we took her on a tour. She measured each of the bedrooms, and tested the temperature of the water. She loved the nursery, and commented on how cute it is :)
After the tour of the house, she started on the personal questions. She decided to start with Paul since his work schedule is more demanding and she wanted to make sure she had all of his answers. She asked some basic things like his work history, but she also needed a VERY detailed description of his family. This included parents and siblings. She even needed to know marital status and how many children each sibling had, as well as the relationship he has with each. For Paul this took a LONG time LOL. She also wanted to know what his childhood was like, where he grew up- what schools he went to and asked about some other family history. I think most of the time was spent on just that!
She finished with all the personal questions for Paul, but she still has to ask me the same questions, and then she has a section to ask us about the both of us and our relationship.
She said at least twice that she is expecting to fill this house quickly, and even mentioned a specific set of siblings that were brought in last week that had to be separated. Prior to this meeting I was still expecting to not be licensed or have a placement until at least the end of the summer! Well maybe that won't be the case, but I'm still not planning on it, just trying to be prepared if it does happen :D
All in all, it went well and we have another meeting on Wednesday at 9. That should be the last meeting, unless we can't get everything accomplished. But since my family is about 1/3rd the size of Paul's- I think it will go faster LOL
If it doesn't, we can always have a third meeting, but that would go very quickly. :)
Chris (our licensing worker) came at 9am and after a little bit of paperwork- she started asking us questions. She began with taking a brief description of the layout of the house, and then we took her on a tour. She measured each of the bedrooms, and tested the temperature of the water. She loved the nursery, and commented on how cute it is :)
After the tour of the house, she started on the personal questions. She decided to start with Paul since his work schedule is more demanding and she wanted to make sure she had all of his answers. She asked some basic things like his work history, but she also needed a VERY detailed description of his family. This included parents and siblings. She even needed to know marital status and how many children each sibling had, as well as the relationship he has with each. For Paul this took a LONG time LOL. She also wanted to know what his childhood was like, where he grew up- what schools he went to and asked about some other family history. I think most of the time was spent on just that!
She finished with all the personal questions for Paul, but she still has to ask me the same questions, and then she has a section to ask us about the both of us and our relationship.
She said at least twice that she is expecting to fill this house quickly, and even mentioned a specific set of siblings that were brought in last week that had to be separated. Prior to this meeting I was still expecting to not be licensed or have a placement until at least the end of the summer! Well maybe that won't be the case, but I'm still not planning on it, just trying to be prepared if it does happen :D
All in all, it went well and we have another meeting on Wednesday at 9. That should be the last meeting, unless we can't get everything accomplished. But since my family is about 1/3rd the size of Paul's- I think it will go faster LOL
If it doesn't, we can always have a third meeting, but that would go very quickly. :)
Friday, May 6, 2011
Anger....
Well I come back from SC to find out that we WON'T be getting our home study any time soon. And I'm angry. I'm angry because this is taking so long (yes, I have read my last blog post LOL) but most of all I'm just angry because it seems like I can't catch a break.
And after I find this out, Lisa posts on FB about being home with her two beautiful girls and I just lose it all over again. I'm so glad I was there for her having the baby (who is beautiful btw) and I love Chelsea, but right now, she has exactly what I want SO BADLY while I sit here unable to do anything and wait on people who don't have time for me.
I'm trying to remember how I felt when I wrote that blog, but I'm not really doing well with it right now.
I think part of this anger is me dealing with my emotions from this weekend. But even so-I need prayers today.
Lord, Please help me to put my faith in you always. Help me to remember that you WILL fulfill your promises. And that I need to sit back and wait, and listen to you. Help me to get through this pain by leaning on you and not expecting me to carry it all on my own. I was not created to carry the burden of life. You created me to draw my strength from your holy spirit. Help me to remember that.
And after I find this out, Lisa posts on FB about being home with her two beautiful girls and I just lose it all over again. I'm so glad I was there for her having the baby (who is beautiful btw) and I love Chelsea, but right now, she has exactly what I want SO BADLY while I sit here unable to do anything and wait on people who don't have time for me.
I'm trying to remember how I felt when I wrote that blog, but I'm not really doing well with it right now.
I think part of this anger is me dealing with my emotions from this weekend. But even so-I need prayers today.
Lord, Please help me to put my faith in you always. Help me to remember that you WILL fulfill your promises. And that I need to sit back and wait, and listen to you. Help me to get through this pain by leaning on you and not expecting me to carry it all on my own. I was not created to carry the burden of life. You created me to draw my strength from your holy spirit. Help me to remember that.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Very emotional couple of days- VERY VERY LONG
I am in SC visiting with my cousin/BFF Lisa. She and I are as close as sisters, and when she had her first daughter, I was over the moon so excited. I call her daughter my niece, although biologically she isn't.
Well she is PG. I posted about it when I found out- but didn't really blog about the affect it had on me. I was devastated. She DID NOT want another baby right now, possibly ever. In fact- HOURS before she POAS- she told me very emphatically how she couldn't handle it right now. And to top it all off- she was staying with me for several months while here husband was here in SC. She saw him for ONE WEEK out of 3 months- and she got knocked up. Needless to say- I wasn't happy. At all.
Over the last 9 months I've sadly distanced myself a bit. She is amazing, and she hasn't pushed me at all. She has been completely understanding- and I really think this has actually brought us closer. She has said that she would MUCH rather me be pregnant. But we both agree that obviously God has a plan.
FF to this week. She is due today actually (getting induced tomorrow) and I flew in on Friday. I really debated whether or not I could handle coming down here this week. Do I REALLY want to watch my Little Sister (as I often refer to her) have exactly what I want? Do I want to hold back her hair and help her push and comfort her when all I want to do is scream because I can't have what she has?
The answer isn't really yes- but I wouldn't miss this for the world. She and I are SO close, and to miss this (intentionally) would kill us both. So I prayed, and prayed and prayed some more. I begged God for guidance. And finally settled on the decision that if I couldn't handle watching this and being here- God would arrange the timing for the baby to come before I got here. Well she didn't. Lisa is still pregnant- and going in for induction at 6:30 am. I'm not leaving until Tuesday afternoon- so I will be here for it all. And I know God will give me the strength.
Last night we were sitting in the guest room (we=Lisa, her husband, myself and Lisa's friend Debbie who I know very well) They were discussing pregnancy and how most women- although the labor is hard and there are lots of downsides- would never trade the ability to carry a child. Lisa was talking about the bad thigns about pregnancy, but then why the good things very much outweighed the bad. This went on for some time. Needless to say- I was VERY quiet- and simply tried to keep my composure (as I had been trying to do for a couple days) and then Lisa saw my face and realized what effect this was having on me- and she immediately said my name and apologized. And that's all it took. I lost it. I had promised myself that I wouldn't break down in front of her and burden her with my emotions in this time. This was supposed to be about her and Chealsea (the new baby girl). And I couldn't handle it. I excused myself and went downstairs to compose myself. And it was very difficult. As you can imagine, my emotions are on high and I am crying so easy right now. Repressing my emotions tends to do that lol. Later that night I talked to her and she apologized and thanked me for being here- even though she knows it's hard.
So Lisa took me to her church this morning. I have been thrilled that she found a church that she loves so much- and was glad to attend. The worship was amazing, and ended with a song about waiting on the Lord. Of course- this spoke to me in a very real way- and so I was crying.
And then the Pastor started speaking- I was intending to go into more detail about his sermon- but this blog post is long enough- so I won't. But the title of the sermon was "Waiting on the Promise". It was about waiting on promises that God gives us. He started out saying "God ALWAYS fulfills his promises" His entire sermon was about how when God promises us something (for me, a promise that I will be pregnant and give birth at some point in my life) he ALWAYS delivers- but we don't always get the *when*. He talked about how the waiting often molds us into the people we need to be to receive the promise. He also said a lot of other things that I can't remember- but I walked away with an entirely different view of my struggles.
First of all- I need to remember that my focus shouldn't be this life. This life will end. And it will not matter. But I am hoping to get to HEAVEN!! And that is going to completely outshine anything I think I want or need in this life. So the next time I think about how my life will be better, or how much I want kids- I need to remember that I should want Heaven MORE than I want a family.
And amidst all of this I finally came to the place where if I NEVER have children. I can accept that. God is enough for me. I have faith that he can make my life better than anything I can if I just put my faith in him. This was a place that was very hard for me to get to. I still believe that God made me with the purpose of being a Mom. But if that never happens- I have faith that I will live a very fulfilling life and I will make a difference in someones life. Maybe many someones.
At the end of his sermon- he made me officially lose it. I bawled my eyes out. I laid my head on Lisa's shoulder and sobbed. I had been trying not to cry (again) and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. The pastor asked those who were waiting on a promise from God to come to the front and allow the leaders of the church to pray. Lisa walked with me up there and I just felt at peace. I still cried- because although the waiting is necessary- I know that it doesn't take the hurt away- and that's the point. But the crying that I did was a cleansing cry. It was exactly what I needed and I think it really helped me. I'm still very emotional- and I've cried several times writing this blog- but I think I know why I NEEDED to be here. As much as I usually love my church- I'm not being fed at all right now and it's one of the reasons we are considering changing churches. But that is a post for another day. I needed that message, and it was delivered at exactly the right time.
Oddly enough- the church down the road from Lisa's house (20 min from her church) had a message on their sign on Friday. "God ALWAYS fulfills his promises". It made me cry as well. It seems to be the theme of this trip!
Well she is PG. I posted about it when I found out- but didn't really blog about the affect it had on me. I was devastated. She DID NOT want another baby right now, possibly ever. In fact- HOURS before she POAS- she told me very emphatically how she couldn't handle it right now. And to top it all off- she was staying with me for several months while here husband was here in SC. She saw him for ONE WEEK out of 3 months- and she got knocked up. Needless to say- I wasn't happy. At all.
Over the last 9 months I've sadly distanced myself a bit. She is amazing, and she hasn't pushed me at all. She has been completely understanding- and I really think this has actually brought us closer. She has said that she would MUCH rather me be pregnant. But we both agree that obviously God has a plan.
FF to this week. She is due today actually (getting induced tomorrow) and I flew in on Friday. I really debated whether or not I could handle coming down here this week. Do I REALLY want to watch my Little Sister (as I often refer to her) have exactly what I want? Do I want to hold back her hair and help her push and comfort her when all I want to do is scream because I can't have what she has?
The answer isn't really yes- but I wouldn't miss this for the world. She and I are SO close, and to miss this (intentionally) would kill us both. So I prayed, and prayed and prayed some more. I begged God for guidance. And finally settled on the decision that if I couldn't handle watching this and being here- God would arrange the timing for the baby to come before I got here. Well she didn't. Lisa is still pregnant- and going in for induction at 6:30 am. I'm not leaving until Tuesday afternoon- so I will be here for it all. And I know God will give me the strength.
Last night we were sitting in the guest room (we=Lisa, her husband, myself and Lisa's friend Debbie who I know very well) They were discussing pregnancy and how most women- although the labor is hard and there are lots of downsides- would never trade the ability to carry a child. Lisa was talking about the bad thigns about pregnancy, but then why the good things very much outweighed the bad. This went on for some time. Needless to say- I was VERY quiet- and simply tried to keep my composure (as I had been trying to do for a couple days) and then Lisa saw my face and realized what effect this was having on me- and she immediately said my name and apologized. And that's all it took. I lost it. I had promised myself that I wouldn't break down in front of her and burden her with my emotions in this time. This was supposed to be about her and Chealsea (the new baby girl). And I couldn't handle it. I excused myself and went downstairs to compose myself. And it was very difficult. As you can imagine, my emotions are on high and I am crying so easy right now. Repressing my emotions tends to do that lol. Later that night I talked to her and she apologized and thanked me for being here- even though she knows it's hard.
So Lisa took me to her church this morning. I have been thrilled that she found a church that she loves so much- and was glad to attend. The worship was amazing, and ended with a song about waiting on the Lord. Of course- this spoke to me in a very real way- and so I was crying.
And then the Pastor started speaking- I was intending to go into more detail about his sermon- but this blog post is long enough- so I won't. But the title of the sermon was "Waiting on the Promise". It was about waiting on promises that God gives us. He started out saying "God ALWAYS fulfills his promises" His entire sermon was about how when God promises us something (for me, a promise that I will be pregnant and give birth at some point in my life) he ALWAYS delivers- but we don't always get the *when*. He talked about how the waiting often molds us into the people we need to be to receive the promise. He also said a lot of other things that I can't remember- but I walked away with an entirely different view of my struggles.
First of all- I need to remember that my focus shouldn't be this life. This life will end. And it will not matter. But I am hoping to get to HEAVEN!! And that is going to completely outshine anything I think I want or need in this life. So the next time I think about how my life will be better, or how much I want kids- I need to remember that I should want Heaven MORE than I want a family.
And amidst all of this I finally came to the place where if I NEVER have children. I can accept that. God is enough for me. I have faith that he can make my life better than anything I can if I just put my faith in him. This was a place that was very hard for me to get to. I still believe that God made me with the purpose of being a Mom. But if that never happens- I have faith that I will live a very fulfilling life and I will make a difference in someones life. Maybe many someones.
At the end of his sermon- he made me officially lose it. I bawled my eyes out. I laid my head on Lisa's shoulder and sobbed. I had been trying not to cry (again) and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. The pastor asked those who were waiting on a promise from God to come to the front and allow the leaders of the church to pray. Lisa walked with me up there and I just felt at peace. I still cried- because although the waiting is necessary- I know that it doesn't take the hurt away- and that's the point. But the crying that I did was a cleansing cry. It was exactly what I needed and I think it really helped me. I'm still very emotional- and I've cried several times writing this blog- but I think I know why I NEEDED to be here. As much as I usually love my church- I'm not being fed at all right now and it's one of the reasons we are considering changing churches. But that is a post for another day. I needed that message, and it was delivered at exactly the right time.
Oddly enough- the church down the road from Lisa's house (20 min from her church) had a message on their sign on Friday. "God ALWAYS fulfills his promises". It made me cry as well. It seems to be the theme of this trip!
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