Thursday, June 10, 2010

Off day

I'm a pretty confident person 90% of the time. But I have an issue with feeling like I'm being excluded from something. Maybe it's a side effect of being an only child and always being alone, but I have a compulsion to be included wherever I am.
When I was a young teenager, this made me crazy and I didn't know how to handle it. As I got older I finally realized that sometimes people aren't excluding me, they are just turning their heads, or whatever it is that they are doing.

And I've gotten way better. I have found ways to make sure I don't turn twitchy when I am not being included in something, but I still have those thoughts. I still see faces that people make, or something that they say or the tone in their voice, and I usually think that they are wishing I wasn't around, or something like that. This usually makes me start acting loud and awkward because I'm self consious that they don't want me around. It's a vicious cycle. I am very good at making sure that doesn't happen with my close circle of friends, but sometimes when I got out with people who I don't see all the time, it happens.

And I think my hormones make it worse. I feel like I am on the clomid right now, even though I know I'm not. I'm just having a bad emotional day.

Ever since my breakdown on Saturday I've been fighting desperately to get back the confidence and calm that I had about everything in life. But I can't seem to get there. I'm anxious, nervous and just all around depressed. I hate that. A lot.

Thankfully I'm distracting myself with packing. And I've discovered that I have a LOT of crap. Purging is very cathartic, so it has helped my mood immensely. I think I'm actually going to go upstairs and pack now. It feels good to have things organized and pared down. Apparently I needed the deadline of moving to make me do these things.

1 comment:

  1. It is great to purge. And yeah, hormones are so crazy. We're all entitled to an off day. Take care and good luck with your move!