This has little to do with infertility or PCOS, but it's something that bothers me almost weekly.
My family history is confusing at best, and just generally messed up. I have an older half sister, and a younger half brother. We all share the same father, and they share the same mother. My father was having an ongoing affair with their mother while he was married to my mom. My sister is a mere 4 months older than me. My brother is 2.5 years younger than me.
When my sister and I were 5 years old, her mother decided that she didn't want my father around the two of them, and I didn't see her or my brother for a very long time. This was very hard because my sister and I were VERY close, since we were so close in age. My brother was pretty young however, and to this day doesn't remember me at all.
When I was a teenager, my sister and I reconnected and have had a unique relationship since then. She and my brother were adopted when she was 8, and she and my brother do not care to have any type of relationship with my father. I understand that, because although I love my father, it was a sticky situation. But I am still their sister. I am blood. And I have been very grateful to have a relationship with my sister, albeit unusual since we are very different people now.
But my brother has no desire to have anything to do with me or to even KNOW me.
I can't comprehend this. In fact, it kills me. This is my baby brother. I remember him as a baby. I remember loving on him and giving him kisses and just being protective of him. And he doesn't want to know me.
About 6 months ago I ran into him and his older sister (not my sister, but an additional sibling that I am still in contact with- I told you it was a crazy story!) and he didn't recognize me at all. After the encounter I contacted the sister and told her that I understand that he doesn't want to know me, but I wanted him to know that my door was always open and I would love to get to know him.
And nothing. When I talked to my sister months later I learned a bit more but the bottom line is my brother has no desire to know me at all.
I have tried to come to terms with this but I just can't get over it. I happen to think I'm pretty awesome. And I know he doesn't remember me, but shouldn't he want to know ME just by the simple fact that we share DNA?
I have a bad habit of watching the show "The Locator". It's a great show, and I often enjoy watching them. But occasionally the stories revolve around siblings. And in tonight's episode, it's a younger brother crying because he wants to know his sister.
And I get upset. Because I can't understand. I want to know WHY. I don't want to push him, because that obviously won't accomplish anything. But I would like to know what about the thought of knowing me is so horrible. I don't intend to push my father on him, as I have proved in my relationship with my sister. And even though he hates my father- I have NOTHING to do with what happened back then. I was just a kid too. I was caught in the middle too.
I so desperately want to get to know my baby brother, and he doesn't want to know me. That's the bottom line. Maybe one day he will change his mind, but I can't count on that. So I just keep trying to deal with it, and occasionally feel the need to cry and rant about it. Because family is all that matters to me. And I just can't wrap my brain around not wanting to get to know a member of my family.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Doctor's Appointment
I just got back from an appointment with my OB/GYN. I have been working with her on the treatment, and I needed to see her after the insanity that was last month.
I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to even be in her office. Every woman in the waiting room was PG, and then when I was finally moved back to a room, I heard the dopplers on the PG women and heard baby heartbeats!
At that point I lost it. I was glad to be alone. But I have been dealing with the reality that I might never be pregnant. It might not happen. And I realized in that moment that I couldn't be in her office every month. It's just too much. I REALLY like her and she has been wonderful, but she is still an OB and that makes it hard.
By the time she came into the room, I had decided that I was going to ask for a referral to a RE. But I didn't get a chance. She suggested it after I told her about my problems with Clomid this last cycle.
Unfortunately she can't give me a referral, I have to talk to my PCP (I hate Blue Care Network) but she did give me a couple of recommendations.
She also gave me a script for a SA for DH. We are going to go next week and the results will be sent to her. Once that is done, we will go to the RE.
Overall I am very numb about all of this. I want to be excited because we are moving on to another phase of treatment and this might mean a solution, and eventually a positive pregnancy test. But at the same time, I am done getting my hopes up. It's a very real possibility that we will be moving on to Foster care in the very near future and I am starting to feel that it really is God's plan for us. I still want to exhaust our options, but every day I feel God leading me in that direction.
I am afraid of moving on to adoption/foster care and what that means. It means I will be saying that I am OK with never being pregnant. Because that might happen. It means taking on the extra struggles that come with foster children. I do believe that Paul and I can handle it, but I need to come to terms with it first.
I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to even be in her office. Every woman in the waiting room was PG, and then when I was finally moved back to a room, I heard the dopplers on the PG women and heard baby heartbeats!
At that point I lost it. I was glad to be alone. But I have been dealing with the reality that I might never be pregnant. It might not happen. And I realized in that moment that I couldn't be in her office every month. It's just too much. I REALLY like her and she has been wonderful, but she is still an OB and that makes it hard.
By the time she came into the room, I had decided that I was going to ask for a referral to a RE. But I didn't get a chance. She suggested it after I told her about my problems with Clomid this last cycle.
Unfortunately she can't give me a referral, I have to talk to my PCP (I hate Blue Care Network) but she did give me a couple of recommendations.
She also gave me a script for a SA for DH. We are going to go next week and the results will be sent to her. Once that is done, we will go to the RE.
Overall I am very numb about all of this. I want to be excited because we are moving on to another phase of treatment and this might mean a solution, and eventually a positive pregnancy test. But at the same time, I am done getting my hopes up. It's a very real possibility that we will be moving on to Foster care in the very near future and I am starting to feel that it really is God's plan for us. I still want to exhaust our options, but every day I feel God leading me in that direction.
I am afraid of moving on to adoption/foster care and what that means. It means I will be saying that I am OK with never being pregnant. Because that might happen. It means taking on the extra struggles that come with foster children. I do believe that Paul and I can handle it, but I need to come to terms with it first.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Mothers
Why is it that the ONE person in the world that can make me doubt everything about myself is my mother? I was answering a question she had about TTC/PCOS and it turned into a bit of a rant about why I wished my Doctor would have mentioned PCOS to me at 15 when I was put on BCP for cysts and irregular cycles. I also had dark facial hair and was a bit overweight, especially in the belly BTW.
I won't go into all the details, but my Mother apparently thinks that I would not have take anything the doctor said into consideration no matter what happened.
Now, I disagree. I think that at 15 it would have been nice to know that the facial hair I had and the abnormally long and dark arm hair were because of a horomonal imbalance. Because seriously, I was teased because of those things. Not that the teasing would have stopped, but at least I would have been able to make the person teasing me feel a little bit bad. Or at least make myself feel better.
And maybe I wouldn't have cared or listened to anything the doctor said, but ya know- as my mother, she should be a little angry that this wasn't presented before as well. And I know the reasons it wasn't, but I wish my doctor would have at least mentioned it as a possibility to keep in mind in the future.
All in all, my mom has been great through the whole process of TTC. She had a very hard time getting PG with me and only did after an HSG. In fact, for the first six months of TTC, she kept telling me to get the "dye test" because she is convinced that's why she got PG.
After about the 8th time of explaining to her that it didn't matter if my tubes were open if I wasn't ovulating, she finally shut up LOL.
And maybe I'm just a little sensitive right now, but I'm frustrated. :(
I won't go into all the details, but my Mother apparently thinks that I would not have take anything the doctor said into consideration no matter what happened.
Now, I disagree. I think that at 15 it would have been nice to know that the facial hair I had and the abnormally long and dark arm hair were because of a horomonal imbalance. Because seriously, I was teased because of those things. Not that the teasing would have stopped, but at least I would have been able to make the person teasing me feel a little bit bad. Or at least make myself feel better.
And maybe I wouldn't have cared or listened to anything the doctor said, but ya know- as my mother, she should be a little angry that this wasn't presented before as well. And I know the reasons it wasn't, but I wish my doctor would have at least mentioned it as a possibility to keep in mind in the future.
All in all, my mom has been great through the whole process of TTC. She had a very hard time getting PG with me and only did after an HSG. In fact, for the first six months of TTC, she kept telling me to get the "dye test" because she is convinced that's why she got PG.
After about the 8th time of explaining to her that it didn't matter if my tubes were open if I wasn't ovulating, she finally shut up LOL.
And maybe I'm just a little sensitive right now, but I'm frustrated. :(
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Thank you for all your support
It's been a bad couple of days, as you can clearly see from my post yesterday. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. And you'd think I would be used to that at this point.
Today was a pretty good day as days go for me. I skipped school, which is BAD, since I need to do well this semester. I wasn't planning on it, but when it came time to leave- I just couldn't. Just when I think I have a handle on this depression, it kicks me in the butt again. Leaving my house causes anxiety. And there are some things that I have to face the anxiety for, and those things change daily. Most of the time, the list is my grandmother, my nephews, church and school. And usually my BFFs. Some days that it limited to just my grandmother or my nephews. And even then, sometimes I put it off. Things like getting an oil change and going to the bank somehow always get put off. I finally deposited my student loan check that has been sitting in my van for two weeks now....
The good parts included finishing two and a half loads of laundry, finishing my menu for the week and going grocery shopping. I also deposited the check as mentioned above, but only because I was already out. And the best part of the day was spending it with my nephew Joshua. I am seriously in love with this kid. He is at that age (13 mo) where it seems that EVERYTHING he does is cute. He walks cute, he eats cute (albeit messy), he talks cute etc. And he and I are BFFs. Here is a cute pic of my favorite guy in the whole world (sorry honey, he trumps you)
As you can imagine, one evening with this guy and suddenly the world seems brighter.
And after DH took him home, I realized once again how much I love this kid. And I thought about how it will feel different than the love I will have when/if I have a baby. And then I thought about the teens in my youth group, who I love very much as well. Maybe I'm just meant to love other peoples children. Because trust me, if I could just keep Joshua and get away with it- I would be a happy woman! LOL
Only God knows the plan for my life, but I keep looking for clues as to which way I'm supposed to go. Because honestly- this is getting frustrating. But then again, what about this journey ISN'T frustrating?
I really appreciate all of your supportive comments. I swear I will get better at responding, but right now it's all I can do to try and keep my brain straight.
Today was a pretty good day as days go for me. I skipped school, which is BAD, since I need to do well this semester. I wasn't planning on it, but when it came time to leave- I just couldn't. Just when I think I have a handle on this depression, it kicks me in the butt again. Leaving my house causes anxiety. And there are some things that I have to face the anxiety for, and those things change daily. Most of the time, the list is my grandmother, my nephews, church and school. And usually my BFFs. Some days that it limited to just my grandmother or my nephews. And even then, sometimes I put it off. Things like getting an oil change and going to the bank somehow always get put off. I finally deposited my student loan check that has been sitting in my van for two weeks now....
The good parts included finishing two and a half loads of laundry, finishing my menu for the week and going grocery shopping. I also deposited the check as mentioned above, but only because I was already out. And the best part of the day was spending it with my nephew Joshua. I am seriously in love with this kid. He is at that age (13 mo) where it seems that EVERYTHING he does is cute. He walks cute, he eats cute (albeit messy), he talks cute etc. And he and I are BFFs. Here is a cute pic of my favorite guy in the whole world (sorry honey, he trumps you)
As you can imagine, one evening with this guy and suddenly the world seems brighter.
And after DH took him home, I realized once again how much I love this kid. And I thought about how it will feel different than the love I will have when/if I have a baby. And then I thought about the teens in my youth group, who I love very much as well. Maybe I'm just meant to love other peoples children. Because trust me, if I could just keep Joshua and get away with it- I would be a happy woman! LOL
Only God knows the plan for my life, but I keep looking for clues as to which way I'm supposed to go. Because honestly- this is getting frustrating. But then again, what about this journey ISN'T frustrating?
I really appreciate all of your supportive comments. I swear I will get better at responding, but right now it's all I can do to try and keep my brain straight.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Screw PCOS
I have been doing a lot of research about PCOS because I'm considering doing some alternative treatments.
And I came across some links on Soulcysters about the links between PCOS and depression. And ya know, I have been depressed for a LONG time. I've been struggling with it for about 8 years on and off.
It's just ONE more thing on that list of crap that PCOS has screwed up ya know?
AF arrived on my bday, which was Monday. I tried to keep it together so I wouldn't ruin my birthday, but yesterday I just let it hit me and I decided to take a break from TTC for a couple months. This last cycle has been really hard on my body and emotionally too.
I just want to SCREAM right now. My depression has screwed up a bunch of stuff in my life. Granted, I hold a lot of responsibility. But if it wasn't for the depression I probably could have handled things a LOT better in the past.
I am angry about a lot of things, but today is a culmination of my anger at my body. I suppose it's a long time coming since I have been trying to repress it for a couple months now.
I am angry because I have to take a break for my mental sanity. I'm angry because I have had to put my body through all this for what seems to be nothing. I am angry because I'm fat and someone asked me last week if I was pregnant. I am just downright angry.
So yeah- screw PCOS. It sucks.
And I came across some links on Soulcysters about the links between PCOS and depression. And ya know, I have been depressed for a LONG time. I've been struggling with it for about 8 years on and off.
It's just ONE more thing on that list of crap that PCOS has screwed up ya know?
AF arrived on my bday, which was Monday. I tried to keep it together so I wouldn't ruin my birthday, but yesterday I just let it hit me and I decided to take a break from TTC for a couple months. This last cycle has been really hard on my body and emotionally too.
I just want to SCREAM right now. My depression has screwed up a bunch of stuff in my life. Granted, I hold a lot of responsibility. But if it wasn't for the depression I probably could have handled things a LOT better in the past.
I am angry about a lot of things, but today is a culmination of my anger at my body. I suppose it's a long time coming since I have been trying to repress it for a couple months now.
I am angry because I have to take a break for my mental sanity. I'm angry because I have had to put my body through all this for what seems to be nothing. I am angry because I'm fat and someone asked me last week if I was pregnant. I am just downright angry.
So yeah- screw PCOS. It sucks.
Monday, January 18, 2010
11 dpo
I POAS this morning, and it was negative. Blah blah blah, yeah it's early. But I'm expecting AF around 12 or 13dpo. Of course, that is based on last month, which was the ONLY month that I actually ovulated. So... who knows.
I have two more tests so if AF doesn't arrive or my temp doesn't drop by wed, I'll test again.
In other news, I am going to be an auntie to another baby girl! I am excited to have another girl in the family, even if it isn't my baby.
And I'm working on organizing our house. I really should post pictures because the hope is to have a completely new organized house by the summer.
I'm admittedly not a great housekeeper. I hate dishes and cleaning. But I am now hoping to be a SAHM and I'm becoming more and more germaphobic as the days go on, so I need to make it easier on myself.
We are doing a small renovation on our kitchen and putting in laminate hardwood flooring throughout the entire downstairs. This will help me to keep up after the animals, and the required organization before this remodel will help me keep it organized and clean after the remodel (in theory)
So far my Living room looks like a tornado hit it. But two full garbage bags and a box of donations later, and I am on my way! When it's all said and done I will post pictures, but for now I am just gonna get back to work!
I have two more tests so if AF doesn't arrive or my temp doesn't drop by wed, I'll test again.
In other news, I am going to be an auntie to another baby girl! I am excited to have another girl in the family, even if it isn't my baby.
And I'm working on organizing our house. I really should post pictures because the hope is to have a completely new organized house by the summer.
I'm admittedly not a great housekeeper. I hate dishes and cleaning. But I am now hoping to be a SAHM and I'm becoming more and more germaphobic as the days go on, so I need to make it easier on myself.
We are doing a small renovation on our kitchen and putting in laminate hardwood flooring throughout the entire downstairs. This will help me to keep up after the animals, and the required organization before this remodel will help me keep it organized and clean after the remodel (in theory)
So far my Living room looks like a tornado hit it. But two full garbage bags and a box of donations later, and I am on my way! When it's all said and done I will post pictures, but for now I am just gonna get back to work!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
It's been a while!!
A lot of things have changed for me. I have really been working on my depression. I have had two therapy sessions, and I have been working on journaling to deal with most of my feelings.
Then Christmas and NY happened and for about 3 weeks I didn't have time to breathe.
I am on CD28 right now and FF says I Oed on CD22. So I will probably test next week sometime. Maybe next weekend.
I have been working on a purpose for myself. Right now my main purpose is working on our home renovation projects and building my photography business. The two actually blend together because I plan to set up a bare bones studio in our front room. We are replacing the floors in a couple months as well as doing a minor remodel in our kitchen.
We've also made a decision regarding TTC/Adoption. We hadn't really set a timeline on how long we would wait to make the decision to adopt rather than continue the TTC process. I figured it would be significantly sooner than others, because of our views on adoption. DH has been pushing slightly for adoption for quite a while, especially when I was struggling.
Well we had a serious discussion a few nights ago and made a decision. Although I am well aware that I have SO many options available to me at this point, we aren't going to take advantage of all of them right now. We are going to work on becoming foster parents. We want to adopt within the foster system.
Right now we are working on a checklist of things to fix in our house based on some things one of DHs friends told him. These are things that we want to do for our own children as well of course.
We are going to continue TTC and working with the doctor until about May, which is how long it should take to finish all the things we need. If I haven't gotten a BFP by May we are going to stop the fertility treatments in any form. We won't be preventing, but I don't really consider that TTC for me ;).
This isn't about giving up on having a biological child. And we may return to IF treatments later on. But right now we have too much love to give and are willing to take in children who need it. And if that's what God has in store for us, we are open to it. At this point, it is 100% in his hands. Which is what I should have done from the start.
I really feel like I am doing 1000 times better than I was last year and I'm determined to make 2010 a better year. I am working my way out of the black hole of depression, and I'm finally giving our TTC struggles 100% to God. I kept trying to do that before, but it wasn't working very well. It's still a daily struggle, but I'm very at peace with it all.
Then Christmas and NY happened and for about 3 weeks I didn't have time to breathe.
I am on CD28 right now and FF says I Oed on CD22. So I will probably test next week sometime. Maybe next weekend.
I have been working on a purpose for myself. Right now my main purpose is working on our home renovation projects and building my photography business. The two actually blend together because I plan to set up a bare bones studio in our front room. We are replacing the floors in a couple months as well as doing a minor remodel in our kitchen.
We've also made a decision regarding TTC/Adoption. We hadn't really set a timeline on how long we would wait to make the decision to adopt rather than continue the TTC process. I figured it would be significantly sooner than others, because of our views on adoption. DH has been pushing slightly for adoption for quite a while, especially when I was struggling.
Well we had a serious discussion a few nights ago and made a decision. Although I am well aware that I have SO many options available to me at this point, we aren't going to take advantage of all of them right now. We are going to work on becoming foster parents. We want to adopt within the foster system.
Right now we are working on a checklist of things to fix in our house based on some things one of DHs friends told him. These are things that we want to do for our own children as well of course.
We are going to continue TTC and working with the doctor until about May, which is how long it should take to finish all the things we need. If I haven't gotten a BFP by May we are going to stop the fertility treatments in any form. We won't be preventing, but I don't really consider that TTC for me ;).
This isn't about giving up on having a biological child. And we may return to IF treatments later on. But right now we have too much love to give and are willing to take in children who need it. And if that's what God has in store for us, we are open to it. At this point, it is 100% in his hands. Which is what I should have done from the start.
I really feel like I am doing 1000 times better than I was last year and I'm determined to make 2010 a better year. I am working my way out of the black hole of depression, and I'm finally giving our TTC struggles 100% to God. I kept trying to do that before, but it wasn't working very well. It's still a daily struggle, but I'm very at peace with it all.
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