Diet

I have never been great at managing my weight. I pretty much eat what I want, when I want and I am the equivalent to a bump on a log. But this last week has changed my outlook. Not really for myself, but for DH as well.

A friend of the family passed away this week. She was only 32 and she had a heart attack. I was absolutely shocked. And scared.

My DH has a LONG line of heart problems in his family. Not to mention Diabetes and other health problems. He is forever saying that he will die young. And for the last four years, all I have done is yell at him to not say that. And then file it in my head to deal with "later". Because in my mind- we still had time to worry about it. We are young! He is young!! Well- Beth (the friend that died) was only 5 years older than DH. 5 YEARS!!

This hit me very hard. I realized that we didn't have as long as we thought to work on getting healthy. And I am scared of how my already high weight is going to affect being PG.

So as of today we are starting a Paleolithic diet. It's sort of extreme, but I am excited about it. The idea behind it is a "Hunter and gatherer" diet. Basically only fresh veggies and lean meats. No potatoes, pasta, grains or breads. Among many other things.
The idea is that many foods have toxins, and many many years ago before there was the option of cooking foods- the above foods were considered poisonous. It wasn't until someone discovered that they could cook most of the toxins out of the foods, did we start ingesting them.
But some of the toxins still remain, and they can have many negative affects on our body. We have friends who have been on this diet. They have gotten great results not only in weight loss, but in mind clarity and energy levels.

I am a little scared that I won't be able to stick to it, but I have a low GI diet in my backpocket to stick to if this is too much. The actual diets are similar, so it shouldn't be too hard to mesh them together.

So this blog will be a combination of diet news and TTC news. If you have any questions about the Paleolithic diet- look here.

My Doctors appointment

I had an appointment this morning with my old OBGYN. I went to her last year before we decided to TTC and I really liked her, but she left her practice and moved to a practice further away from me. I didn't think I wanted to drive that far, and decided to find one closer to me.

I found my previous Dr. We shall call her Dr S. Dr S was ok at first, although I felt a tugging at my gut that she wasn't right for me, I didn't listen. Quite a few things went wrong in the six months I saw her. The biggest was a withholding of test results from my Pap smear. Apparently my Pap from March came back slightly irregular and I wasn't informed until they realized that I had HPV from my bloodwork. Apparently I was supposed to have been told, but there was a miscommunication. Add to that fact the other issues I had with her regarding my diagnosis and treatment, and I very swiftly decided to leave her practice.

So I made an appointment with this practice-with my old Dr- we shall call her Dr C- three weeks ago. It was killing me to wait this long, but I really wanted to go to HER.

We ended up having to wait a total of 2 hours because she had a birth this morning. But I wanted to see her and not a midwife, so we ran some errands nearby. It ended up not being that bad. And it was worth the wait.

She recognized both my name and face from almost two years ago and was very happy to see me. I went over ALL the information and the last seven months of TTC. She was very understanding and listened until I got it all out. She told me it sounded to her that I DID have PCOS- but she would have to confirm with the bloodwork. Dr S never gave me a straight answer and that had become a problem. This was the diagnosis that made the most sense, because I have all of the main symptoms, but I'm not a doctor.

Dr C prescribed Metformin and Clomid for this cycle. She said she has seen better results with PCOS and Metformin which made me REALLY happy. She also gave me Provera to induce a period so we can start this cycle.

And the cherry on top was the fact that she asked me about my IF coverage and listed the appointment under irregular cycles instead of IF consult so my insurance would cover it 100%.

All in all I am very pleased and feel rejuvenated about TTC. I also think my husband was VERY happy when we were ordered to have sex every other day once we feel that I am ovulating/will ovulate. What man wouldn't!

Vacation

I'm not sure that many people would understand that spending six days with a toddler really is relaxing. It helps that the toddler is possibly the easiest kid on earth, but I am more clear and relaxed than I have been in a long time.

I struggle with depression and have for a long time. The last year and a half I have been on anti depressants to manage that. It worked for a while but with the complete disaster that my life has been, I am still in a bad place most days. I had a plan for my life. School, career THEN kids. Well my career was tanked, and while that wasn't really my main priority- it was my focus at least for the next five years. And when I lost not one but TWO great jobs in 6 months, I was confused. I AM confused. Then when I changed my focus to having kids, it was a little better, but I couldn't focus THAT much on getting pregnant when my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to.

So for the last few months I have really struggled. Combine my depression with the multiple pregnancy announcements (6 in less than a month and two of those were accidents) I plunged pretty deep. I was pulling myself out of it a little when I headed to VA. I wasn't functioning well on a day to day basis, but at least I was leaving the house. And often.

And now I have spent 6 days mostly alone. While I love Leah, she isn't much for conversation. I have been able to lose myself in a good book, relax and pretty much be alone with my thoughts. Yeah, I have a kid to take care of and hang out with, but she really is easy. We read books together, giggle and watch some TV. It's probably not the most stimulating for a toddler, but I'm auntie- I get to spoil her ;)

And after the six days my head is a little clearer. I still don't know what my focus is, but I know that I can and WILL pull myself out of this. Maybe that should be my focus. My antidepressants at this point are keeping me breathing, but that's about it. I can't imagine what kind of state I would be in without them.

When I go home, I am hoping to appreciate my hubby more, appreciate my life more and get myself back on track.... I'm not really sure WHAT track, but functioning on a day to day basis has to be a good place to start.

Airports

So I left this afternoon to head to Virginia to babysit for my Goddaughter. Leah is 20 months old and the most awesome kid in the world. Really- don't tell me how awesome your kid is, because Leah is the smartest, funniest, cutest kid EVER in my eyes. There is no comparing. My cousin Lisa, who is my BFF- finally gave in and decided to take a vacation with her husband. They leave tomorrow night for a 6 day cruise. And I am taking care of Leah that entire time

I will admit it. I am terrified. Terrified that I am not as good with kids as I think. Terrified that she will hate me, even though she has loved me every other time she has seen me. I'm terrified that I'm gonna come home and not want kids anymore (come on, she might be awesome, but she is still a Toddler)

So for the last week I have been focusing on that. And I was supposed to get into Newport News at exactly 6:55pm. We were going to have dinner and then I was going to do Leah's bedtime routine to try and get her (and ME) used to what is going to happen for the next week.

And then Air Tran Airways completely screwed that up. My flight out of Detroit was supposed to leave at 2:54pm. I think we ended up leaving at around 3:30. And guess what happened? I missed my second flight. So here I sit- in Atlanta. Waiting for my 9pm flight. I am going to miss bedtime, and the dinner I was looking forward to with my BFF.

And instead, I am sitting in the airport lonely and watching families and pregnant women everywhere. I used to think that pregnant women followed me. Or maybe that God was taunting me with them. It seemed that everywhere I looked, someone near me was pregnant. Now I think it's more about me and who I notice.

I have always been a people watcher. I love to watch people, and figure out their story. Most times I compare myself to them. I should do my hair like that. I wish I was better dressed. You get the story. I feel like my eye searches for families and pregnant women. I love to watch kids, and now I love to watch pregnant women. Just to see how they act, if I think they are grateful for the life growing inside of them.

I have exactly 1 hour and 45 minutes left in Atlanta. I need someone to entertain me. Clearly you see what happens when I am left alone with my thoughts. I tend to ramble.

Faith

In the last two years, my life has been shaken up quite a few times. That's another story for another day however.

I had come to accept that God was in control of my life. And for a while, I was even ok with giving him control of our TTC efforts. But somehow along the way I have tried to take it back little by little. And it's not that I don't believe that his timing is best, I do- believe me. But somehow, I have backed off and God and I are not really on good terms right now. It's not that I don't believe he is there, or even that he cares about us. And it's not that I am angry with God. I'm just frustrated. I don't understand his reasoning. And that's what bothers me the most. I would be fine adopting if we couldn't conceive (ok- not at first, but I would be ok eventually) but I DON'T KNOW.

That is the WORST part of IF for me. The not knowing. Not knowing if the clomid will work. Not knowing if the OPK was a false positive or not. Not knowing if this is the ONLY problem. Not knowing what the next year of my life will mean. And isn't that what Faith is? Trusting God's plan for your life even when you DON'T KNOW. That has always been a problem for me. And this verse seemed to help in the past, I think I will have to sticky it on my desktop or something:

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I trust that... at least most of the time. But when I see my cousin, who has two kids, a gangster boyfriend and is a mediocre mom at best- get pregnant accidentally, it just gets me in the gut. It is NOT FAIR. And life is not fair, I know that. If I got everything I deserved, I would haven't my salvation. But somehow that's of little comfort when I can't make my body do what comes so natural to most women.

My faith in God and my relationship with him has made me uncomfortable in church. I assist with our youth group and I love these kids, and I love spending time with them and helping them, but a part of me wonders if I am doing them any good right now. How can I influence them to trust God in their lives, when I can't seem to trust him in mine?

Assvice

A friend of mine who has also suffered from IF coined this term in reference to the advice that you inevitably  hear when you are unable to conceive as quickly as you would like. Assvice. As in- it's coming out your a**.

I have been hearing a LOT of it from my family lately, and I have noticed that I tolerate it much more from some people than others. For example- my aunt, who I love and care for and knows the whole story and just give me a hug when I need it. She sometimes tells me if I just relax, it will be fine. I don't like it, but I tolerate it because I know that she just has nothing else to say anymore.

And then there is my cousin. She is a harsh person who always says what she is thinking and it often makes me feel like crap. Well when I made a comment to the lines of "Everybody is pregnant" she told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to "Chill the f*** out"

Thanks. Really. That's gonna help. Is THAT what it's going to take to make my ovaries work? WHY didn't I try that before? I'm SO glad you set me straight on that.

I used to try and explain why relaxing won't work for me. But now, I just nod and change the subject. Because explaining inevitably leads to more useless advice and I'm just tired of it. Especially from people who really just want to hear themselves talk.

About me

My name is Stephanie and I have been married for two years to my wonderful DH Paul. From the time we met we knew we would have a family and that it was a priority for us. But it wasn't until we started trying that we realized how badly we wanted it.

I have been working with my OBGYN until now, but I have left her practice because I was not informed of some important test results. I am waiting right now to get into another OBGYN so that we can move forward, and hopefully move on to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.

As of right now I am pretty sure I have PCOS- and my previous doctor sort of confirmed that, but as I have already posted- she wasn't very reliable or communicative.

I am going through a lot of feelings lately, including bitterness, anger and almost desperation.

I am hoping to get my feelings out via this blog. I know that I am not alone and that many people struggle with the same things that I struggle with.