The anger and sadness hasn't really gone away

I'm tired, and angry and I can feel myself falling deeper into that hole. Every commercial, christmas special and blip about family or pregnancy or ANYTHING related to being a mom in any way- makes me sad/angry/weepy. Pick an emotion, and I feel it.

Wasn't this supposed to make me feel BETTER???!?! And now all I can focus on is the fact that I'm not pregnant, or won't be getting pregnant any time soon.

Why can't I let this go? Why can't I manage to focus on adoption?

Because I don't see fostercare as a viable option for us. I am going through with it and trying to have faith that God will work it out, but we just don't have the ability to be flexible enough to be "good" foster parents. We have to be very specific, and are ultimately looking for adoption. DH is convinced that we will become foster parents, and a beautiful infant will fall in our laps and we will be able to adopt him/her immediately. I am more realistic, and realize that because we are so limited in our age range, we may not even be considered as foster parents.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to be foster parents and be given children, even if for a short time, to care for. I just don't think it will happen for us.

And traditional adoption seems like such a long ways away. The finances, plus the process itself seem to be so lengthy that I can't focus.

Add to this fact that I've had 6 migraines in the last week, and my ability to function is low.

I'm not fighting the depression anymore, I'm just sort of numb again. I need guidance. I need God to help me to move forward. I know I am only managing to get through the day because of the strength he gives me, and I'm not discounting that. But simply breathing and making it to the end of the day isn't enough. I want to be productive again and I want to be the person I know I am, and that I saw for a brief moment this summer.

I also feel like I'm posting the same things over and over again, but hey- it's my blog so who cares. ;)

It always seems that when I THINK I know what I am really feeling

it changes.

I thought I was OK with stopping fertility treatments, and mostly halting TTC because of my PCOS.

And then this week I'm ANGRY. I've been angry before. I've been angry at myself, I've been angry at my husband. and I've been angry at God (which admittedly was not productive). And now I'm angry at pregnant women. Which sucks because I have a lot of GREAT pregnant women in my life right now. My cousin/BFF who probably knows me better than anyone is PG and it KILLS me some days. I really want to be happy for her, but I'm angry.

A few GOOD friends of DH and I are pregnant and posting ALL over FB. I LOVE these women dearly and they both have had problems conceiving and deserve to be Mothers more than some. But I'm angry at them.

And then that turns to anger at myself. Because they don't deserve my anger! It's not their fault MY body doesn't work and theirs does. But if you follow that logic- NO ONE deserves my anger. And then I'm back to square one.

Please pray for me this week. I know that fertility treatments aren't a good idea for me right now. But that depression that I was trying to avoid seems to be creeping back up to me. I'm trying to make changes (like going back to the gym) and hoping that this isn't because of stopping TTC, it's because of other things.

And really- I feel like I can't win. Keep TTC and run myself into a deep depression. Stop TTC and run myself into a deep depression.

So my only option is stick with my decision and pray for God to help me. Because I need it. I can't do this without him. I'm brokenhearted some days. Christmas commercials are really bad because I have no idea WHEN DH and I will be a family. When he will be a father. When I will be a mother.
Sometimes I just burst into tears because of something related to not having kids yet. Or being scared of what lies ahead.

I need God to give me strength. I would appreciate any prayers you can spare. My emotions are all over the place lately. And physically I'm exhausted as well.

Mom is out of surgery

She is doing very well. I am in the food court waiting for her to get a room at the moment.

They didn't have to take her ovaries, and the surgery went as well as could be expected. All in all, Good news!!

It's been a long day, and it hasn't even really begun. I'm ready for a nap!!

Crazy week and prayer request

I am in FL right now, visiting my Mom. Sadly it is not a social visit, or a visit for Thanksgiving, although I will be here through Tday.

My mom had a procedure done a month or so ago to remove some polyps and it was discovered that she has Endometrial Carcenoma, which is a fancy word for a small cancerous spot in her uterus. Because she is already 51, and heading into menopause, they are doing a hysterectomy. The surgery is tomorrow.

Thankfully her prognosis is VERY good and they haven't even categorized the cancer as a stage. There were several "Pre-cancerous" spots and one small cancerous spot. She will probably not have to have chemo or radiation. We will know more about that tomorrow after the surgery.

My mom is handling it very well and is more concerned about her recovery than the surgery itself. She will be out of work for 6 weeks, unable to drive until she can wean herself off of her pain meds, and unable to lift more than 10lbs for several weeks. She will be limited to what she can do and my mother is NOT a person who handles limits very well LOL!

Please pray for her during surgery tomorrow, and pray for her doctors. I have faith that everything will go well in surgery, and she will be fine. I am fairly calm about it. I will feel MUCH better when it is all said and done and all the cancer is gone however.

I will update tomorrow, I'll be at the hospital most of the day. And thankfully they have free wifi!!!

I love it when an old favorite verse brings new meaning.

Before I go into what I'm talking about- AF arrived this morning. Not pregnant. So full steam ahead on adoption.


I belong to a close knit message board, and each year we do an ornament exchange. I got mine early this year, and it was from a fellow IF friend. She sent me a beautiful ornament of a Hopi fertility deity name Kokopelli. Along with this, she sent me a note with my favorite bible verse written at the bottom. Jeremiah 29:11. I'm sure many of you know this verse. I'm sure some of you- like me- have said it over and over like a mantra, especially during the trying times of IF.

I have loved this verse for many years, and today- I found new meaning.

She had written it in a translation that I hadn't seen it in before. After some googling, I discovered it was English Standard Version. I usually like NKJV or NIV, and the new translations usually lack a certain reverence that I appreciate. But this might just change my mind. Here is the translation.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

A FUTURE AND A HOPE. God WANTS ME to have HOPE! I've been working very hard in the last couple months to not hope. Because hope has gotten me nowhere. But hope is necessary! I have to hope! I have to believe that he WILL bring me a child, because he CAN. Because he is the be all and end all. He is The Christ.

This is huge for me. Especially with AF arriving this morning. I am trying not to hope that I will get pregnant on my own, or hope that we will fly through adoption preceedings. But why not? I can hope! I need to focus my energy on doing everything I can to fulfill God's plan. But hope isn't bad!

If I hadn't hoped as I did last cycle, I wouldn't have been devastated- and I wouldn't have come to the conclusion that we need to stop and pursue adoption. What if there is a child RIGHT NOW who is being born, or about to be born that is waiting for me to love them? Why is it bad to hope?

I know that the hope that I have could disappoint me. But God never will. So if my hope fails me, God will hold me up and give me the strength I need.

God really does provide. I truly needed this tonight. Thank you Lord!!

Relief, and more concerns

Finally making the decision to stop TTC for now and move to adoption has given me peace like I haven't had in a while.

And then I found google. And then I came up with a bunch of other worries.

What about my depression? I can't imagine that I would automatically be disqualified from adoption because of my depression, and since I've never been a danger to myself or anyone else I am hoping that it won't be a problem at all.

And then there are the logistics of Fostering vs domestic adoption. DH wants to foster, and while I want to as well, I don't think we will be successful with foster care because we are very specific in the age of a child we want to adopt (one infant, under the age of 6 months with no major health problems). So we are going to pursue both at the same time. But what about the financial aspect of this. I realize that I shouldn't have to pay much money up front to any adoption agency, but what if we put a lot of time into an adoption agency, only to have a placement with the foster care program that works perfectly for us? I'm sure God has a perfect plan for us, but it's one more thing to obsess about.

And then there are the finances in general. We have to start thinking about how we are coming up with the money.

And then there is the worry that no one will want to give me their baby. Why would they? Paul and I aren't rich by any means, and while we will provide a child with every need they could ever have, and many wants- we don't know if we will be able to pay for college educations, or weddings, or other things. We will live frugally and make sure our childrens needs are met. This is something that we are fine with, since it is important to us that I be a SAHM instead of having a lot of money.  But why would a birth mother be ok with this? She is wanting her child to go to a better home. Yes, I realize this is slightly irrational. But I've always had an issue with feeling unwanted or unwelcome in any situation.

And we aren't planning on staying in this house, so part of me wants to wait until we've bought a house (in theory around jan-feb) to start the process. But that reminds me of when we were moving before and I put off starting the foster care process. And I don't know if that's a good idea. I'm 98% sure that this house will pass a homestudy, so we could do that, and just get another one later when we buy a house, but if we have to pay for a homestudy than I don't want to pay for it twice.

And this is just the tip of the iceburg. The process seems so daunting to me right now. And then I freak out a little bit because I feel like I'm giving up again. Giving up on being pregnant. And I don't believe that- I have faith that I will be pregnant someday, but it's hard to remember that when I'm sitting in the last 2ww I'm going to have for a long time. I don't plan to go back on birth control, unless my OB/GYN wants me to because of the cysts. I don't like BCP so I don't want to.

My brain doesn't stop. And that's not really a bad thing. But my control freak self has found something else she can attempt to control. I feel like I have a greater sense of control over adoption. Even with all the things I can't control, it feels like something NEW I can attempt to control.

Man I'm crazy LOL!!

Terrified

That's my new description for how I feel.

Terrified of not being pregnant. Terrified of sinking deeper into this hole that I have found myself in again. The hole that took me SO LONG to climb out of. And terrified of letting myself get my hopes up only to be devastated again.

I didn't really blog about my last BFN, because I didn't know how to express what I felt. I think I was mostly ignoring it entirely. I was trying SO HARD to pretend that I was OK with the fact that I wasn't pregnant. And I was slowly sinking into a hole I didn't know was under my feet. And then I realized one day that I had sunk back down. I sat in front of the TV for an ENTIRE DAY. I did nothing except play on my laptop and watch TV. While my laundry and dishes piled up and my other commitments went by the wayside.

To some, this may seem like no big deal. This may seem like a dream for most overworked women. But for me it's a sign of a bad habit that I used to have.

You see, last year, and even before TTC- when I was in the worst of my depression- this is ALL I DID, day in and day out. Slowly with the support of my family and friends I made my way out of the house, but I was still utterly useless at home.

When we moved back home (to my hometown) and I started working out, and doing other things to help me with my depression, I honestly felt a lot better. I don't think I would say that I was out of my depression, and I still clung to my antidepressants with all I had. But I was FUNCTIONING!! I had a clean house, clean MATCHED socks (seriously- this is a huge thing in our household) and was meeting at least most of my commitments to the best of my ability.

It doesn't escape my attention that I felt this great when we weren't TTC. We took this summer off of fertility treatments. I didn't chart, I didn't worry about anything. I took a couple PG tests just to be sure that I wasn't one of those "miracle" stories you hear about women who just stop trying and get PG. But other than that- I wasn't worried about it. Yes, I still wanted a child- and yes I still mourned the fact that I wasn't pregnant- but it was different.

And after the last cycle, when I was SO CONVINCED that I was pregnant- I am terrified of this getting worse. Today I've felt better. In the last week or so I have worked hard to get back to where I was. And I'm getting there. I'm only slightly more motivated- but I'm getting there. I CANNOT go back to that place. I CANNOT be that person again. And I feel like I don't have a choice. I feel like because of TTC- I've put myself back in a place where it just gets worse.

I feel like I have an anvil hanging over my head. And it has an expiration date. Because I might be able to put off POAS- but at some point in the next couple weeks- I WILL find out whether or not I'm pregnant. Even if I don't take a test, AF will show and the same truth will be revealed. And then I will end up back in the place that could have ended my marriage if I had continued much further.

Sorry for the ramble, my feelings are all jumbled up right now.

I think we are going to make the next TTC break a lot longer than I was originally thinking. I was just planning on taking a month. But I'm seriously considering stopping altogether right now. My previous need to carry a child is gone. I don't care anymore.

So I think after AF arrives, DH and I are going to seriously pursue adoption. We are going to finally fill out our foster care paperwork, and see if that is even an option (we've decided that we want one baby right now, and that drastically reduces our chances of a placement) and then start seriously looking into domestic adoption. Although we were previously worried about the cost- we've reconsidered. We will make it work and as bad as it sounds- we have some family members (that are very blessed) that would gladly donate to the cause of expanding our family.

Please pray for me next week. I will be POAS on Monday. And AF should arrive tues or wed- unless I have a super long luteal phase like last time. I don't know how I will react, but I know that the only way I will be able to get through it is with God's help and strength.

Another PG announcement

So I usually try to be graceful when I hear another PG announcement. Especially if it's the new mom who is telling me the news herself. But today I was less than graceful.

Last night I went to a Lockin with our Youth group at church and didn't sleep all night. Then I went to our Church's Hillbilly Breakfast (which was TOTALLY worth the extra sleep deprivation).

As I was leaving, one of the girls cornered me and gave me a hard time about leaving early, and then suddenly dropped the bomb on me that she is "Probably Pregnant".

I'm not really sure what that even means- and I suspect that she is going to have either a "false alarm" or a miscarriage in her future. She is one of those drama queens that always has to have something REALLY DRAMATIC going on in her life. And she always tries to one up everyone else.

*Disclaimer- I'm not saying she's definitely lying, and if she does in fact have a M/C I will not discount her pain or show any sign that I don't believe her, but we all know that there are women out there that take advantage of the attention that a false M/C can give them. And this blog is my place to say the thoughts that I can't say out loud, for whatever reason. So I hope that this doesn't hurt anyone's feelings.

Anyway- when she said this I froze. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't say congrats, or even say ANYTHING. All I said was "I really have to go now". And then she ignored me and kept talking, and I said it again. And then she realized how stupid she was- and grabbed me and hugged me. And all the while I'm looking at the door just wanting to bolt LOL! Finally, after the third time I said I had to go- she let me, making sure to tell me not to tell ANYONE (for example, her FMIL who hates her and happens to be my mom's BFF).

I realize, that I could have been MUCH less graceful- but I hate to be anything less than downright cheery when I get PG announcements. Because now, for the next few weeks- I'm going to get those pity looks. The ones that say "I have NO idea how you are feeling, and I couldn't really care less- but I want you to know that I feel sorry for you and I'm SO glad I'm not you"

Ok- they probably aren't thinking that, but it's what it feels like. And I don't really care if she's upset with me, but I am surprised at myself for freezing like that. I blame it on the SEVERE lack of sleep, and the fact that she blindsided me like that. We were literally talking about breakfast and she just casually threw that in. LOL

In other news- I'm happily ignoring my 2ww. I am debating whether or not I'll make it to my test date- the 15th. We are going to MILs on the 13th, and the (very small) part of me that is still optimistic is thinking that telling MIL in person would be great.

So, I'll be working with that OCD for several more days LOL. I'm leaning towards waiting- but we'll see if I actually make it that long. ;-)

GN/BN

GN- There were only 4 follies this morning, and although I didn't get the sizes (my dr was actually the one to give me the U/S, so I was picking her brain and forgot to ask the sizes) they were big enough to trigger. After thinking about it yesterday and chatting with a few IF friends, I was mostly concerned with any smaller ones that might be a problem. So we triggered, and now we just wait. I'm a little nervous about the risk for multiples, but I feel confident that we did the right thing moving forward, and my Dr was ok with it.

BN- We talked about where to go from here. I had decided that I was willing to move forward to Injects, like she and I had talked about before, but not until the new year- and not until we did another SA to be clear on what the whole picture was.

She burst my bubble on that one. Since I am already producing too many follies on Clomid- she thinks that doing Injects would just make me overstim SO much more. And then she said she thinks IVF would be our best option at that point.....

Now, I don't think Injects are completely out of the question, and we still might consider it. But she said that since I overstim- I would probably just end up canceling the cycle, and we would be wasting our money.

She knows that IVF is not an option for us right now, so she was really focused on this cycle, and then doing one more cycle of Clomid (that would put me at 6 cycles total) and then deciding from there.

I'm pretty happy with that.

I have a theory about my body and Clomid and I have no idea if it has any possible validity- it's just an opinion.
I know that Clomid stays in your system for quite a while. I think that Clomid stays in my system longer than most people, and that explains why my symptoms get worse with subsequent cycles, and why I produce more eggs with subsequent cycles, and why the ONE and ONLY time I have Oed on my own, was right after 3 Clomid cycles.

Again, just a theory, and if you are more knowledgeable than I am about this, feel free to tell me if I am wrong. But in my crazy mind, it makes sense LOL

For now I'm very happy with the appointment. My faith is stronger today, and as much as I don't want to admit that it's probably because of the good appointment, I know it probably is. But I'm trying hard to have faith in God.

Ok.... it's really hitting me now

I'm REALLY angry. I am so frustrated because honestly- we are at the end of our rope for right now.  The Dr wanted me to move to Injects a while ago, but since we only have 50% coverage, it will just cost us a bit too much right now. We are focusing our finances on paying down debts and building up savings. So although we could probably swing it- we are FINALLY getting back to a good point financially, and I don't want to spend that kind of money each month.

We could go towards the study at the local university- but I don't know if we will even qualify. And I've already been on the Clomid for 5 cycles- I really shouldn't do too many more.

All of this combined with my doubt in my intuition- and I'm scared that I will NOT get pregnant any time soon.

DH and I are back to talking about Adoption. I am starting to think that I want to do direct domestic adoption, instead of foster care- but again- it's about the money for us. We can apply for grants, and I've looked into other options, but then I start to wonder if we can save the money- would that be better spent on IF treatments? Or is it the other way around?

It's all just so confusing, and I'm not handling any of it right now.

I'm confused... and frustrated

So I had my U/S this morning. I had 4 Follies- 15, 15.5, 16 and another one that I can't remember the size.

I knew there were 4 when I walked out of the office, and that they wanted me to come back in a couple days for another U/S and my trigger...
They had me schedule an appt for both tomorrow and Sunday since they didn't know when they wanted me to come in yet.
They called me back a couple hours ago and told me I was coming in on Sunday. Ok fine. They also told me that I had 4 follies (Uhmmm... OK yeah I noticed that) and that they wanted me to abstain until we know how many of them mature.

Now... I only had 3 follies last cycle. And everything that I've seen (admittedly from Google) says that the norm is 2-4 follies, with 5 being the max for most doctors.

So I am thinking that I'm going to ignore the Dr about abstinence for these reasons-
I don't really want to cancel anyway, but if they DO cancel, I won't O until CD 19 at the earliest, so it won't really matter anyway. I will only O early if they give me a trigger, and if they do that- then I will be covered.... does that make sense?

And am I wrong about the 4 follies? Because even if they say they want to cancel- I'm considering telling them that I don't want to.

I am not exactly thrilled at the idea of multiples, but both DH and I feel that if God blesses us with more than 1- then he will give us the strength to handle it. Obviously we aren't going to make a choice that would put me in any danger, so if there were something like 10 follies then we would definitely cancel- but this doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me. I think my Drs office is just super conservative. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Update- Yes I'm listening to my doc. I really don't want to risk high order multiples.


I have to take next month off because I'm going to be in FL during the week of O, and for a lot of other reasons that I can't quite talk about publicly yet. So I think I will talk to DH about doing a round of injects after the new year. And doing another SA and seeing a urologist in the meantime. Since his numbers weren't the greatest last time, I want to see if that was just that day- or if it's a real problem- or if we need to move straight to IUI or something. 


I'm rather out of hope right now. And beer. It's a bad combination. ;-)

I'm sure you've guessed by my silence....

That I am not pregnant. Took a test last Sat, and it was Neg, but it was only 12DPO so I was still holding on to hope. Took another test Sun, and BFN. Mon morn was my Beta and it came back at 0.

That was a bad day. It's been a bad week. All of that hope that I was holding on to came back to hit me in the face HARD. It wasn't just hope though.

And then, after the beta, my temp stayed up all the way until Thursday and AF didn't arrive until yesterday. So of course I deluded myself even further into thinking that maybe I WAS PG and that the beta didn't show anything because implantation occurred late and that if AF didn't show on Fri then I would POAS and it would be positive.

So yesterday was a bad day too. That's when it REALLLY hit me. When I REALLY realized that this was NOT the cycle. And while I didn't really cry (I got most of that out on the drive home from the Drs on Mon) I sunk into a depression. I was having an anxiety attack at the grocery store because I didn't want to be anywhere but safe at home, which was the last place I really needed to be for my own good.

I am a person who believes in intuition, gut feeling, instincts or whatever you want to call it. I suppose I feel that my intuition is how I can feel God's guidance. I've always had a "gut feeling" about just about anything in my life. And when my gut tells me to do something, or that something is or isn't going to work out- I generally trust it.

Well I was SURE that I was PG this cycle. I thought it was my intuition, and that God was giving me this assurance that this was going to work.

I was wrong. VERY wrong. I managed to delude myself into thinking that I could actually will myself to be pregnant. So this BFN wasn't just telling me that I wasn't pregnant, it was telling me that I can't trust my intuition or gut feeling anymore. I'm questioning a LOT of things.

Like the fact that I thought God had given me peace that I WILL be pregnant and have my own child one day. What if I just made that up in my head and convinced myself that it was God?

And it's not just about TTC either. I feel like I can't trust my instincts or my intuition about things like the guys my BFF dates, or about people that I meet. And I feel like I've lost a big part of who I am. I am second guessing every decision I make, and that has caused me to hole myself up at home.

I've tried to get out, because I am not a person who should be allowed to be at home alone for extended periods of time. My depression tends to get the better of me then. So last night I took my time doing a lot of things just to avoid feeling like I was sitting here alone.

All in all I'm doing a little better today. I am getting ready to leave to go to my nephew's 3rd birthday party. I am very excited for this and I can't believe he is 3, but I'm not looking forward to being around a bunch of people.

Tonight DH is taking me to see "Life as we Know it" which I am VERY excited for. I want to see that movie SO bad and every time I see a preview I get excited!

So I'm pulling myself back out, and God is helping me, although I admit that I am back to being a little angry with him and feel a bit like I can't here or feel him. It's very frustrating.

POAS today

I REALLY told myself that I wasn't going to POAS 12 times this cycle. I'm amazed I made it this far LOL

I wanted to see if the HCG from the trigger shot was out of my system. I got my first ever BFP LOL. But it's a VERRRYYY faint line, so I'm not too worried about it.

I was having visions of getting a BFP and then getting the blood results back and being told that it was just the trigger shot that stayed in my system for too long. So I had to know. I am a control freak- I realize this LOL

So now- hopefully when I test in a week, and I get a BFP (we're being horribly optimistic this cycle, it's dangerous, but I've given up being cautious LOL) I will have the chance to be immediately excited and celebrate, instead of worrying that it's a false positive.

I was trying really hard to hold on to being cautious to protect myself from what will happen if it doesn't work. And it wasn't working very well. So I've decided that if I'm going to hope this much, I might as well put everything I have into it. I will have a nervous breakdown either way if this cycle doesn't work, so why not enjoy it now!! LOL

Am I crazy for that? Over a year of BFNs have taught me that hope is dangerous when it comes to TTC. And yet- this cycle I have dreamed and planned and played "What If" in my head a thousand times. I might as well be saying this stuff out loud! At least to my blog at least. :D

Here's hoping for a BFP next week!!! This has been the worst 2ww EVER!!

Back from the Dr

It went SO well and I was clearly worrying over nothing.

I got three mature follicles. Two are 15mm and one was 18mm. So I got my ovidrel shot and now DH and will be BDing like crazy LOL

I am still really invested in this cycle, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much.

And after my wonderful appointment- I found out that a good friend of the family is in remission from Lymphoma!!

My day was cruddy yesterday- but now it's SO much better!!! God is good!

UGH I'm seriously going to cry over this.

WARNING- This entire post is TMI.


I have a yeast infection. I'm so scared to take anything or do anything to stop the itching.

I have my ultrasound tomorrow, so I'll just ask my RE then what I can do and how this might affect our chances of getting PG this cycle.

I read that the change in PH can affect the sperm and our ability to get PG this cycle. This makes me very cranky because I CANNOT put this cycle off. I really can't. I will lose my ever loving mind.

I am terrified that I'm going to go to this ultrasound tomorrow and be told that nothing has happened, like last time. I have put WAY too much weight into this cycle. Which was a STUPID idea. But here I am- seriously invested in the assumption that I will see two lines in about 2 weeks.

And then I realized that my Conception lube disappeared. Since Clomid tends to dry me out really bad so I had some sperm friendly lube. Well it's missing. And I went to go buy more and I can't find it at either of the stores I usually frequent.

I am also irrationally scared that I will go into this appointment tomorrow and be told that there is no response. Because that's what happened last time.

Yes I realize this is completely irrational because I know the Clomid makes me ovulate. I have tracked that with charting and have had 3 ovulatory cycles with Clomid. But I'm still crazy and I have weird irrational fears.

So yeah- I'm ready for tomorrow to come so I can know what lies ahead. And then of course we begin the 2WW which will bring on a whole other set of neuroses LOL

Random thoughts

So I've realized that this summer was FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC. LOL. Aside from the TONS of stress that I've been through, I did so many amazing things and really just had an amazing summer. I kind of feel like it was my last Hurrah  before we have a baby. Ya know that annoying phrase that you sometimes hear?

"You should enjoy the time you have before you have a baby"

It's never good to hear, but honestly- that's what I have done this summer. We took the summer off because of moving and then had to postpone a couple more cycles because of other stuff. I went to 4 concerts (all of which were AMAZING) went to  Cedar Point twice (maybe a third time, still deciding LOL) and just spent the summer hanging out with BFF a TON. I can't even remember all the awesome stuff I'm thinking of. But I'm glad I had this summer.

Not to say that I am glad I've gone through IF, I'm just seeing the silver lining in the situation.

During this summer, BFF also went through A REALLY long summer of dating. She went through a LOT of bad guys.

I think both of us going through a crappy point in our lives, it made the summer that much better. I don't think that if I had everything going great in my life that I could have been the support that she needed. I think our suffering helped us to help each other.

So that's my silver lining of the night.

Cycle update- I am done with the Clomid and started taking Mucinex to increase my CM. My ultrasound in Monday and I am SO nervous because of what happened last time.

Wish me luck!!

CD1! New cycle!

It's officially CD1, which works well for the timing for my ultrasound,which as we know I DID NOT schedule well last month LOL

I bought yet another BBT thermometer tonight because mine died. I haven't been charting for quite a few months, I'm worried that I won't be as vigilant as I should be, but I have a feeling that the old habits of obsession will kick in quickly LOL

Three Years. and an update

Today is my third wedding anniversary. We took this weekend and got a hotel room and just relaxed. It was pretty great to get away from all of the drama of our lives in the last month.


I am thrilled that we made it through the last three years and know that we can make it through anything. We've gone through our rough patches, and I think we've truly overcome it and have grown a lot. 

Grandma is finally home and doing a lot better, but she had a couple of rough patches. It's been a very long month and I'm glad we ended up canceling this cycle.

I'm back on the progesterone and AF will probably arrive within the week. I'm excited about this cycle, and admittedly putting a lot of hope into it.


This cycle will consist of the following

•  50mg Clomid CD5-9
• CD 16 ultrasound
• Possible trigger shot and timed intercourse
• Mucinex CD10-3DPO
• Acupuncture throughout my cycle

As well as all the other tricks, elevated hips, grapefruit, loose boxers and everything else that I can't think of right now.

Like I said, I am putting a lot of weight in this cycle. My BFF/Cousin Lisa is pregnant and as happy as I am for her, I really want to be pregnant with her rather than watch her go through what I would LOVE to have for 9 months.

So that's pretty much the update on me. It's been a long month, but my faith has definitely been strengthened and I am handling all of this a lot better than I have in the past.

Sorry for the extended absence! I swear I'm back now and I'll be back to commenting on my favorite blogs.

New phones, family drama, and hospitals

That pretty much sums up the last few days in the life of Stephanie.

I managed to drop my cell phone into a glass of mountain dew about a week ago and although my phone worked for a couple days, after a while it wouldn't charge anymore.

I have the fabulous Verizon network and I was able to upgrade early, and as a bonus- so did DH. We both got LG Allys, since they were BOGO.

I love my phone, and I am actually blogging from it right now!

The day my phone stopped working was the day I had my meltdown last week. Shortly after my last post, I realized that my phone wasn't working. It wasn't the best week LOL

On Saturday, I was supposed to babysit my neice (who currently lives with me) and I was sleeping when my cousin Heather called me to ask me to go visit my grandma and check on her because she had been sick all night. I jumped up, checked that DH could watch Leah once Lisa went to work, and ran over there. I wasn't there long when I realized that she needed to go to the hospital. I was expecting resistance from her, but she was REALLY sick.

Several tests, a hospital stay and many drugs later, she was diagnosed with an infection in her bowels and will be here for a few more days. She is still pretty sick right now so we want someone here 24/7. Thankfully that isn't too hard in our family. My grandmother had 6 children and many grandchildren, so there hasn't been a problem making sure someone is here. I have the night shift tonight and was here all of Saturday. I am super tired and ready for thie to be over, but I'm feeling really bed for my grandma.

And I decided not to take the clomid. With everything going on it was just too much. I don't even have time to chart right now! LOL

Breaking point

I think everyone has a breaking point, and yesterday was mine. It was CD1 and I was excited to start this cycle and start the Clomid. And then I realized that I had a vacation scheduled for CD15-19. For me, this is a big deal since I usually O on CD19-22. My RE wanted me to have an U/S on CD16.

My cousin is going to afghanistan next month and this is my last chance to see him so I can't really cancel . And I don't want to change around the dates of our US because I don't want to miss our timing.

So we are taking ANOTHER cycle off. I was NOT happy about this fact. I was very angry, bitter and just sad.

And then I had another pregnancy announcement. I was THRILLED for them. I jumped up and down because these are two very close friends who deserve this more than anyone. She and I have been talking about TTC and babies for years. And just when they stopped trying, she got PG. I am still so thrilled for them.

And then I went home. And there were posts all over Facebook. And I lost it. Worse than I ever have. Over the course of the next hour I proceeded to cry and just lose my mind. I finally realized that I just CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. The pain of not being pregnant while everyone else is getting PG is too much.

And that was my night. At some point I had the realization that I HAVE to keep doing this, because giving up would be worse. But today I'm a little raw and of course DH is picking today to pick a fight with me and just be a big fat jerk.

I am considering just doing a regular clomid cycle with no U/S since I have a couple of refills and then I would at least ovulate and we might make the timing right, but then I wouldn't be out the $ for the U/S and other things. But I'm not sure that is such a great idea...

Busy busy busy!

After recovering from being sick, I have been running non stop! I finally got around to stocking up the kitchen in the new house, and have been enjoying cooking again. Before we moved, I had gone back to not really cooking at all. As of right now I've cooked dinner every night in the last week!

I actually am hosting my biweekly family dinner tonight. It will be a little smaller but a couple cousins are coming over with their kids. In total, we will have 4 adults, 4 kids and one newborn! I have enjoyed these dinners and I'm glad I get to host them. :)


Saturday I hosted part of a progressive dinner for our teens, which was great and then all day yesterday we were at ILs at a party for BIL and SIL. They are moving to Japan (BIL is in the Navy) and will likely be there for a few years, so this was sort of a going away party. We didn't get home until 1am, although part of that time was spent playing Rock Band with BIL and SIL! We had so much fun and I wish we got to spend more time with them.

My body is confusing me. I think AF arrived, but just when I think she didn't, she rears her ugly head again. I STILL haven't started the progesterone, and when I thought AF arrived, I was just going to go with that, but now I am going to take it anyway to get a full clean start.

And then I need to figure out where I put my folder of info. It has my Clomid prescription in it!! :) Moving is so FUN

I have moved!!

We moved on Saturday and I have finally gotten a chance to sit down and update what's been going in. I warn you now, this is a VERY LONG blog post.

First of all, I'm glad to be moved and in the new house. I'm working on organizing, but I hit a bit of a snag when I got SUPER sick on Sunday night. I ended up in the ER with a fever of 102.8 that would NOT go down. They sent me home with an official diagnosis of  "sore throat" but said they thought it was strep since I was definitely exposed (Josh had it last week) and I was exhibiting symptoms. I am on Antibiotics but I'm starting to think it's bronchitis since it's ALL in my chest at this point. But they would give me antibiotics for bronchitis too so I'm not going to do anything until I am done with the meds.

My SIL is staying with us right now. I posted about her in my last post, but didn't get a chance to update. She was completely sober when DH found her, but she was determined to go to KY with a guy she had known for just a few days. After staying with us and trying to get the funds for the ticket, she decided not to go and finally realized that this guy was NOT GOOD. As of right now she is very motivated to STAY clean, and that is going to require some work. It's easy for her when she is staying with us, but it's another thing to be out on her own or something. I am not willing to let her stay here indefinitely, since we would not be able to get into the foster care program, but she is here until Sunday, and possibly longer depending on the circumstances. We are taking it one step at a time. She has actually been very helpful and very respectful of me and my ground rules. She and I are the same age so we get along well, even if we don't have much in common.


We also went to our fostercare orientation yesterday. It was pretty much stuff we already knew, but we found out that the first classes we will be able to start classes in the fall. DH is a little disappointed that we won't be able to go until then, but I'm ok with it. I am putting a lot of hope on this cycle of Clomid, which I still haven't started. I haven't even started my progesterone. I just picked it up the other day!!! I am just SO TIRED of not getting pregnant, that I am DETERMINED that if I do EVERYTHING right I can make it happen. What? That doesn't work? LOL. Logically I know that it doesn't quite work that way, but somehow I keep trying to think of ways that I can make this cycle work ya know?

If you made it through all that, you are a saint :)

My family needs prayers, badly

I can’t really go into it all right now but my SIL, who is a drug addict who we thought was recovering, has relapsed in the last few weeks. As far as we know she is at a bus station in Detroit and DH is on his way to find her and hopefully pick her up.

The plan as it stands is to bring her back to our home right now. Since we live in the boonies and she doesn’t know where we live, it’s the best solution. FIL and StepMIL will pick her up tomorrow and admit her to rehab for the 4th time.
Pray. Pray. Pray. Please. I am not sure how to handle all this and I am freaking out.

TIA

Off day

I'm a pretty confident person 90% of the time. But I have an issue with feeling like I'm being excluded from something. Maybe it's a side effect of being an only child and always being alone, but I have a compulsion to be included wherever I am.
When I was a young teenager, this made me crazy and I didn't know how to handle it. As I got older I finally realized that sometimes people aren't excluding me, they are just turning their heads, or whatever it is that they are doing.

And I've gotten way better. I have found ways to make sure I don't turn twitchy when I am not being included in something, but I still have those thoughts. I still see faces that people make, or something that they say or the tone in their voice, and I usually think that they are wishing I wasn't around, or something like that. This usually makes me start acting loud and awkward because I'm self consious that they don't want me around. It's a vicious cycle. I am very good at making sure that doesn't happen with my close circle of friends, but sometimes when I got out with people who I don't see all the time, it happens.

And I think my hormones make it worse. I feel like I am on the clomid right now, even though I know I'm not. I'm just having a bad emotional day.

Ever since my breakdown on Saturday I've been fighting desperately to get back the confidence and calm that I had about everything in life. But I can't seem to get there. I'm anxious, nervous and just all around depressed. I hate that. A lot.

Thankfully I'm distracting myself with packing. And I've discovered that I have a LOT of crap. Purging is very cathartic, so it has helped my mood immensely. I think I'm actually going to go upstairs and pack now. It feels good to have things organized and pared down. Apparently I needed the deadline of moving to make me do these things.

Wait.... Who is that?

Could that possibly be Stephanie?

Yes, I've been gone for a while. I have been reading, commenting when I can but that's about it. A fellow blogger posted a couple days ago that not blogging is like a vicious cycle. You don't blog because you are too busy, or other random reasons. And then when you can blog, there is so much to say that you don't because it's too daunting.

So as much as I would like to go into every detail of why the following things happened, I can't or this would be a post that lasted a year. So instead, I'm just gonna give you the bullet points.

• We are MOVING!! We found a rental house, 6 blocks from our church that is in our budget and is beautiful. We move on June 19th and I am really excited. Yeay for moving forward!!
• We are taking a break with TTC until we move. I am anxious about being on clomid again and I want to wait until we are settled. And I'm just tired
• I am an auntie to a new baby girl. I thought I was going to be fine when she was born, I wasn't. I had a major breakdown and ended up realizing that it's a REALLY good thing that we are taking a break.
• DH is on board with IUI and maybe even a mini IVF if we are lead in that direction, although I doubt that's going to happen. 
• We have decided to do this round of Clomid and then start a study at a local university that will do clomid/femara and then IUI for up to 6 cycles.
• We are going to a foster care orientation on June 22nd. I am pretty excited about this, but also super nervous. 

So all in all, very good things. Limbo feels like it's on its way out the door and we are moving forward FINALLY!!!

Saw Dr F today

I had an appointment at 10:15 this morning. I saw one of the OBGYN Medical students first. She asked me about what happened last cycle, and we talked about I had basically ZERO response to Femara. She said she thought Dr F wanted to go to Injects, and I made sure to express my concerns about cost. Since our insurance only covers 50%, I was worried about the costs of the monitoring. With all those ultrasounds and bloodwork, I knew it would cost close to $1k for each cycle. We are open to that idea, but we'd like to exhaust any other option first.

The med student left, and a few minutes later Dr F came in. She told me she didn't think increasing my dose of Femara would do any good, and that she did think Injects were the next logical step. We talked about the costs and she confirmed my concerns about the cost per cycle. She asked me about Clomid thinking I would say NOOOO. But I am not completely against it, I'm just against going to the 100mg dose. The 50mg worked for me.

So she agreed that we should try a couple cycles of Clomid again before going to injects. We will also be adding monitoring and a possible trigger shot, which I didn't have before. Sooooo we shall see. I was pretty discouraged since Clomid didn't result in a pregnancy before. But I'm hoping that the midcycle ultrasound and the ovidrel will make the difference.

So after Dr F left, the nurse came in. She is awesome. She brought me a folder of info on injects, including a cost sheet for what it costs for the monitoring on an inject cycle. Complete with Medical codes!!! So, I can contact my insurance and verify that they will only pay 50%. Maybe I will get lucky and they will consider the U/S and bloodwork something other than IF!!

Also, once the next 3 cycles are up, we are gonna have DH see the urologist. So, that's another step we have.


And DH and I had a big discussion about all this. We agreed to start the fostercare process right now. I have contacted the licensing agent for my county. Although we will be moving in a few months, we would like to get all of the steps out of the way now so that when we move we can have the home inspection in the new house whenever we move.

So once again, we have a crazy amount of new stuff now. YEAY!!

REs office called back

Dr F wants to skip past increasing doses of Femara or going back to Clomid and wants to jump to Injectables. I have to schedule an appointment with Dr F asap.

I also found out that our offer got rejected on the house we were looking at. I posted about it HERE.

It's been a day of bad news....

I have to thank Sew, over at Sew Infertile because she put a lot of it into perspective for me today. She posted a letter of sorts to herself before she got pregnant. If you get a chance, read it. I felt like she spoke right to me and I think it might be why I'm doing so well today. God knew I needed to read exactly what she wrote, and I have a sense of peace. Even with the bad news I've gotten today, I'm still in a good mood.

Also, a two year old around the house makes life fun. Leah is wearing me out, but she is SO CUTE. And when she sings "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" in the backseat, I almost melt from cuteness :)

New look

I was getting bored with my old blog look, and I wanted something that was more "ME". I scoured various blog template sites, and couldn't find much that I liked. Since I have dabbled in digital scrapbooking, I have tons of elements I could use to make my own.

So I present to you, My new blog!!!

In other news, I am waiting very impatiently for the doctor to call me back to let me know what is going on. I am in a really good mood this morning though, so I thank God for that.

Thank you for all your encouraging comments. I really appreciate it!!

I love my husband

(Three blog posts in one day? WHAT!?)

I can't remember if I posted about keeping my Goddaughter Leah this week or not. She is 2 1/2 and has DH wrapped around her tiny little finger.

She is understandably a little upset when we put her to bed because she misses her mommy. Bedtime has been a little rough, but not too bad. She was crying after we put her down and since I put her down, DH went up there 5 min later. He told her that it was OK, and that she was safe and that "Unc Paul" and Aunt Stephie were downstairs. She said OK and went right to sleep.

The smile on his face when he came downstairs is priceless. As was the look on his face when he was reading her a bedtime story. I can't help but cry today over that. I can't help but wonder how long it will take us to have our own child (biological or otherwise) permanently in our home. This man has SO MUCH love to give kids, and trust me, he does his best to spread the love to our nieces and nephews. But it breaks my heart to see how happy this makes him and know that it won't last forever.

But watching the two of them together is priceless. She follows him around when he is home. If she can't find him she will ask for him by name. I haven't been blessed with a title of Auntie yet. She just calls me Stephanie. But she calls him "Unc Paul" and it makes me melt every.single.time!!

This has turned into ab it of a rant. Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. I am doing better this evening, most likely thanks to Leah, but I'm sure the negative emotions will come back.

I'm mostly angry at myself for getting my hopes up like I did.

I'm hoping the Dr will have a better plan tomorrow and we can start the next cycle ASAP. I asked if I could start progesterone today to induce AF, but the nurse wanted me to wait LOL. I am a little impatient ;)

Quick update

Talked to the REs office. They don't think Femara worked for me AT ALL. So I won't be getting a higher dose. I will most likely go back to Clomid and add CD14 monitoring like with this cycle.

I REALLY thought the Femara would be my miracle drug. So I'm disappointed that we wasted a whole cycle :(

And DH was trying to be helpful but just made me more upset by pulling up pics of kids that need to be adopted.

Thanks honey, that doesn't make this better.

RE Appointment/Ultrasound

I had my ultrasound this morning to check the follicles. I got to see Dr W- who is super cute! I adore him. He is funny and always makes me feel at ease.

Have I told you guys how much I LOVE my REs office? Just checking ;)

A med student actually did the U/S and it wasn't so bad but Dr W said that my uterus was cloudy or something along those lines. He wanted to check my progesterone because he feels that I may have already ovulated.
Or the Femara didn't work and I have to start over with a possible higher dose.

He noted that the biggest follicle was misshapen and that's another reason he thinks I may have already ovulated.

My chart says I haven't ovulated, so I'm pretty grim right now. I was SO OPTIMISTIC about this cycle, and now I'm just numb. I'm upset and angry and just.... I don't even think there is a word to describe what I am right now.

On the way home I was just wondering, Will I EVER be pregnant? I know that I believed that God had told me that I would someday, but that of course doesn't mean that I will be right now. And what if I was just making that up in my head to delude myself even further!

Thankfully I am keeping my 2yr old niece this week, and I also have Joshua this evening. The two of them should help to keep me in good spirits, but overall I'm pretty pessimistic.

I want to hope that Dr W will call and tell me that my Progesterone levels are high, and I've already ovulated! Because we timed sex pretty well. And then we might still have a chance. But I can't hope that right now. Because I was REALLY hopeful the last two weeks. I was CONVINCED that I was going to get PG this cycle. And the higher your hopes are, the harder you fall.


When did I get this cynical?

Random worries of the week

I'm worried that I'm going to overstim and we are going to have to cancel the cycle.

I'm worried that the whole cycle won't work.

I'm worried that we will move into a new house and I STILL won't be PG

I'm worried that my sanity is REALLY going this time.


I'm in a valley of this roller coaster. I go back and forth from Fine with everything to SO NOT fine.

And right now with everything going on I am just NOT fine. I am worried about our house situation.

We are trying to do a short sale on our house but might end up having to do foreclosure. At this point, we are running out of time and I think the house would do better if we weren't living in it. But we can't buy a house until we can rebuild DHs credit enough.

I found out today that my Mom's old house- that we have been keeping an eye on- is dropping even lower in price. An old neighbor friend called me to tell me that they are willing to accept just about anything and they are desperate. So we are going to WAY low ball them and ask to rent for like 6 months. Not really lease to own, but just rent so we can build up DHs credit but not have to move into an apartment.

And if they say no- it's not the end of the world. It's a great house, but it was my Moms house and it's not really my style. It would take a lot of work to make it my style. But for that price, I wouldn't be able to pass it up.

I'm just a ball of nerves right now.

I know I've said it before, but I AM SO SICK OF LIMBO. I just want to be SURE of something, at least ONE thing... just for a moment.

But even as I type this I am reminded to count my blessings.

I am sure that of my marriage. I am sure of the fact that no matter what is thrown at me, my husband will be standing next to me. I am sure of my family and their unwavering support.

My mother offered to buy her old house and rent it to us. I told her no, that we need to do this on our own- but the fact that she offered just reminds me of the amazing support system I have.

So although I started this post feeling sorry for myself. I am thankful that God has made it clear to me today what his plan is. I don't believe that while I am thinking that I don't want to buy this house because the bedrooms are too small, and the carpet isn't my color, suddenly the option is forced back in my face. It's a great house. My mom put a LOT of work into it. But I'm being a brat and I want my dream house right now. But our budget will not allow that at this moment. Our budget is for the in between house. And this house is the perfect in between house. It has all of our necessities. And some of the bonuses too.

And I don't know if we will actually end up in that house. But it's possible that we will. And I am reminded again and again that God's plan is perfect. His timing is PERFECT. If I can LET GO long enough to let him do HIS work, I am always amazed at how perfectly it fits together. Better than I- the constant planner- could EVER dream.

So I'm sorry that this post is one big ramble. You have just experienced a day in the life of my brain. Welcome, embrace the insanity! LOL

Haven't had much to say the last few days

I don't really know what to say. I've been waiting to wait some more ;)

I was on the progesterone for 10 days and now I'm waiting for AF to arrive. I was charting just for funzies and FF gave me an O date of the day I started the Prog LOL. I admittedly had my hopes up a little, and my temp stayed up this morning, but I'm just waiting for AF so I can start the Femara. Either way I have hope for next cycle. It can't come soon enough!!!

Other than that I have been pretty busy. I have family in town and I've been spending every spare second with them. We are chomping at the bit waiting to move, but we have to wait just a little bit longer for financial reasons.

Right now my cutie nephew William is playing with Elmo on my couch. I am going to go play with him now :)

Tattoo

I have one tattoo. I got it when I was 19. It's a cute tribal type tattoo of two butterflies. It holds no meaning other than I thought it was cute.

I have been wanting another for a couple years. Despite the fact that after getting my first tattoo, I said I NEVER would. Well of course, as I was told- I changed my mind.

This time I wanted something meaningful. I honestly couldn't think of anything that I would be willing to put on my body FOREVER so I have put it off.

A few weeks ago I tossed around the idea with DH of getting a tattoo to symbolize our struggle with IF. This is a journey that I will never forget, and will have an impact on who I am for years to come. So today I started looking around. I thought I might do something with a pomegranate, or something like that. And I came across THIS.  

http://www.lifemedals.com/infertility-awareness-symbol.html

The other option was to do a simple ribbon like Infertility's Common Thread.

I am hoping to get something put on my shoulder. But I'm a bit of a girly girl and I don't like graphic tattoos. I like pretty, dainty tattoos. Which is why I think I love the infertility awareness badge. It's pretty, and it's simple. I could keep it rather small and just have it on my right shoulder.

And now that I'm thinking about it. It seems to have a bit of symbolism to it. Something about carrying the weight of IF on my shoulder? No.... Hmm. I should stay away from all things symbolic. I'm too literal.

RE Appointment

Well first off, it's official. I did NOT ovulate this month. It's CD 23 and I haven't had any sustained rise in temp.
SOOOO. I have been discouraged this week. And I was SO anxious for the RE appointment today. I was-for some crazy reason- afraid they were going to tell me the only option for us was IUI at this point.

Last night I did what I do best. I obsessed over research. I checked out our health insurance to see what injectables were covered. Because I was convinced that, at the very least, we would be going that route. I found out that when/if we go that route, it will be a minimal OOP cost each cycle.

So I was a bundle of nerves when we got to the appointment today.

I need to say, for the hundredth time: I LOVE OUR RE'S OFFICE!! The nurses are great, the med students are great and our Doctors are great.

We work mostly with Dr. F. She is super sweet.

So the nurse asked us a ton of questions, as usual and we waited for Dr. F. A couple med students came in to ask me more questions and go over my test results with me.

The cortrosyn stimulation test came back normal, which means that there isn't anything wrong with my Adrenal gland and it's definitely PCOS. The sonohystogram of course went well, and all is clear there.

The glocose test came back above normal. I think my 2 hr number was 150 or so. So that means that I'm not diabetic yet, but I definitely have an issue that I need to deal with. SO- I have to get a referral to an Endocrinologist. FUN FUN. The nurse told me I needed to be careful and eat less carbs, less sugar. Of course.

I will have you know that I am currently munching on carrot sticks instead of getting fast food lunch on the way home. I'm gonna make myself a salad or a sammich in a bit. I DO need to work on my health now. Because I am already at a higher risk for GD and I don't want to drastically change my eating habits in the middle of pregnancy. I'd rather already have made the changes I needed. to make.

So now I have the actual TTC update.

The med students asked me about Clo.mid. I told them that I am not totally against going back on it, but that I would rather not since I had such a bad experience last time.
They also asked about what does of Metformin I am taking since I did ovulate on my own last cycle, but I didn't this time. They asked about the side effects I had on the Met and if I would consider increasing the dose.

Dr. F came in and, as usual, she put me right at ease. She talked about my results and said that while she would like to do another SA and refer DH to a urologist, she wants to focus on me and my problems right now. She also said that she wasn't going to go back to Clo.mid since I have already had 4 cycles and I had a bad experience last time.

She also mentioned increasing my Met dose to 1000mg a day. She wants to stick with the XR because the side effects are less intense with the XR, which I have proved to be good with.


So the plan is Femara days 3-7. CD14 ultrasound and possible trigger shot (ovidrel)
I have an appointment in July for follow up if we aren't PG by then. At that point she wants DH to see the urologist and get another SA.



I start progesterone today to induce AF.

SO- I am SO excited about this plan. It's proactive and I feel confident. And I feel silly for worrying about IUI when we still have so many options.

YEAY!

Bad Day

Well, bad week actually.

It looks like I won't be having a baby in 2010. That means it will be 2011 before I have a baby in my arms, if at all. There is still a VERY slight chance that I might get PG this cycle. I'm only on CD18 and I might still ovulate.

But as we all know, hope can be a VERY delicate balance. You can't hope TOO much, or you will end up deluding yourself. But if you don't hope at all then what is the point?!?

So if I ovulate in the next 4 days, and get pregnant- then my EDD would be about December 31st LOL. So I might still end up with a 2010 baby...

But then of course- I have to stop myself from thinking like that, because of course- I need to be realistic. And I have an appt next thursday with the RE. And even if I don't O on my own again, we are going to have a PLAN!!! And the doctor will help us, and we will have a better chance of getting pregnant. So there IS HOPE!

So that? Up there? That insanity? That's my brain in the last week. I go back and forth between hope and realism.

And then I read stories like THIS one. An adoptive mother sends her 7 year old son back to Russia where she adopted him from. Apparently the boy had some emotional problems and was violent.

I don't know about others, but since I have explored the adoption option- I have been informed at least 4 times that any child we adopt could have any variety of problems. And when you adopt older children- the potential problems multiply!!

So I have a hard time believing that this woman was truly blindsided when the child she adopted presented with emotional and violence problems. She is an idiot. And to add insult to injury, the Russian government is considering freezing ALL american adoptions!

I am truly sorry for this poor boy and for any couple who is currently in the process of adopting from Russia!

Foster Care thoughts

DH and I have been thinking about foster care for a while now. We hit a point where we had to address the reality that I might never be pregnant. And we began to seriously think about Fostering to Adopt.

Unfortunately, we can't start the process until we move, which won't be for at least another couple months. But it gives us time to think.

During that time God really gave me a peace about our TTC struggles. He let me know in his infinite way that I WILL be pregnant at some point. Of course, this doesn't mean that I will get pregnant right now, or that it is going to be easy. But he has given me peace about that, and I thank him for that. If we decide to move on to Foster care, I can do so without feeling like I am giving something very important up. Because I truly want his plan for my life.

But yesterday I was thinking about the idea of a mixed family in the sense of biological and adopted children. I worried about the fact that if we foster after we have one or more of our own biological children, we will inevitably limit ourselves dramatically in what age range we will accept, along with other factors. Because our first priority WILL be our biological child. And I don't feel guilty for that.

So I already know that it will be harder for us. And I keep saying that I feel that foster care is something that Paul and I are called to. But am I only saying that until I have a child of my own in my arms? Am I REALLY willing to do foster care after we have our own child?

And if we do- how long will we wait? Should our child be 5? Will we try for a second biological child?

I know that I can't have all the answers right now, and all these questions really aren't about answers. I suppose I felt the need to examine my intentions. And I see very clearly that God may not allow us to get pregnant in this time so that we can adopt a perfect child for US. A child that we may not consider adopting after we have our own child.

I can't say that I will be very happy with that plan in this moment, because the petty side of me mourns the first pregnancy and first time mom things that I will miss. A shower, being able to be pregnant without taking care of another child, being able to care for a newborn without having to worry about my first child. But I know that God's plan is SO perfect, that all of those things will fade away in time. And those things aren't really important.

Cortrosyn and Sonohystogram

The tests went well today!

I had the Cortrosyn Stimulation this morning at 9am. I ended up not doing the 2 hour Glucose test because the nurse at the REs office recommended that I not. She didn't want the results to be skewed since I was supposed to fast.

The Cortrosyn Stimulation wasn't so bad. It was annoying to not be able to move my left arm, but the actual test was completely painless. Plus the lady was REALLY nice and I got to read my book for an hour :)

After that I had lunch with Paul and we went shopping at a couple thrift stores :) I found a pretty cute dress so that was fun.


I had my Sonohystogram at 3:45. I ended up waiting for over an hour since the RE was tied up with another patient, but I didn't mind since they had to squeeze me in to begin with.

Sidenote- I was way excited that they had a real sheet instead of the stupid paper ones that always rip. It was nice to stay covered without worrying about ripping it LOL

Overall the test went well. The pain was tolerable and the worst part was the speculum going in.

A quick explanation of the test: Dr. F did a vaginal ultrasound first to check my uterus. Then she inserted a catheter to push fluid into my uterus and then my fallopian tubes.

Everything was clear, although the lining of my uterus was apparently thick. It was really cool to see my uterus up there!

The Drs kept asking me if I was ok, and then informed me that I must have a high pain tolerance because I wasn't in any pain, just uncomfortable. But since I know my pain tolerance ISN'T very high, I am going to assume that I am just super lucky and that's why I wasn't in pain.

I'm going to get the 2 hr Glucose test this week and I have a follow up appointment with Dr. F in two weeks. YEAY!!

12 hour fast

My 12 hour fast starts tonight at 9PM.

I have my cortisone stimulation test at 9AM, then I am heading over for my two hour glucose test. After that DH is going to take me to have a BIG lunch, because by that point I will be starving.

Then I get to go to the REs office for the sonohysterography.

Holy busy day.

But I'm planning to take my laptop, and my books. So I will be plenty entertained. And I have a midterm to study for.

In other news, I am throwing a baby shower on Saturday and while I'm excited for it (I LOVE planning parties) it's stressing me out a bit. But it will be fun!

Cortrosyn Stimulation

That is the first test I have on Tuesday.

It just so happened that EVERYTHING fell on Tuesday. I was supposed to have my annual GYN appointment at 9:30. But since the other test is at 9, I will have to reschedule that.

I also have my sonohysterography on Tuesday. They could ONLY schedule it for Tuesday at 3:45. I was supposed to have a midterm from 2-4. But thankfully I have an understanding professor who is letting me take it during another one of his classes on Wednesday.

All in all Tuesday isn't going to be a fun day for me. I get to be poked and prodded and poked some more! But this is all to get some answers, which I'm happy for.

In other news- an 18 year old I know is pregnant. I don't see her often, and just found out. She is about 26 weeks along.

She is a girl I used to babysit for and I used to go to church with her grandmother. Her mom got PG with her when she was 18 as well.

I was pretty upset last night. Just when I think I am doing well, something like this hits me.

Ugh. In case anyone missed the memo- IF SUCKS.

And she's here

AF arrived this morning. I'm only 11 DPO which makes me think luteal phase defect.

I had my hopes up too much with that crazy test, so I'm a little more disappointed than I expected this morning. We weren't even technically trying this cycle.

But- I have the best mood booster about 90 minutes away.

My cousin/BFF is unexpectedly coming into town and will be staying with me for about 5 days. This includes her adorable daughter and my godddaughter Leah. So I am excited about that. I have missed both of them SO much and it's a much needed visit.

And honestly, my mood has been 1000x better in the last week. I don't think it has anything to do with the RE appointment, or anything else, but my depression seems to have lifted, even if just a bit. I feel great. And that means a lot for me!

Sooo... I have been super confused

and a bit ashamed the last couple days.

On Wednesday I was dumb and took a PG test. I KNEW I wasn't PG. But my boobs were hurting and since I never actually TOOK one last cycle, the wild crazy theories were going through my head and I needed to silence them.

And this is what I saw.

For those who aren't as crazy as me... I saw a VERY (I can't say VERY enough) slight line.

Now, I knew that at that point FF said I was only 5DPO, but I missed a day in there, and it's possible that I Oed a few days earlier.

After obsessing with my friend Shannon, (the ONLY person I told because she has been in the trenches and understood my neuroses) I picked up some digital tests to take the next morning.

Thursday morning (at 5 am before DH went to work) the digital was negative. I then obsessed some more and picked up some pink dye FRER tests. BFN

And again this morning, because again- I'm crazy- BFN.

So I have decided that it was a fluke... and I hate it.

FYI- this pic was taken about 3 minutes after I took the test. So NOT an evap line.

So yeah.... you wouldn't want to be in my head right now. It's not a good place to be.

Great Appt!

As I posted yesterday, I was in a FANTASTIC mood!

The appointment went VERY well! The doctors were great, and they were very good at explaining things.
The short version is that we are doing more testing, and I am going back to talk to them once we get the results back from those tests.

There are two doctors in the practice and they were SO awesome. The first- Dr W- came in and was GREAT. He was really funny, which was a great nerve calmer for Paul and I, who can't get through two sentences without one of us cracking a joke. He went over EVERYTHING and asked us a ton of questions. He laughed at Paul's honesty about my depression, and told me it was a good thing I am so OCD about my charting and my cycles.

The RE told DH that his SA results aren't as bad as DH thought. He also said that we still could have a chance of getting PG on our own, but between the "eh" SA and my PCOS, it would take a lot longer.

After he talked to us, he went to talk to the other doctor- Dr F. She was awesome as well. She immediately started joking with us as well and she was very straightforward. They discussed a full battery of tests that they wanted both Paul and I to do. They suggested another SA, for DH. And they suggested some bloodwork and a glucose test for me. 

One of my concerns was the cost of all the tests as well as any other procedures we decide to do. Since we only have 50% coverage, the rest of that has to come out of pocket. So they nixed the SA, since we JUST did the last one last week. And a couple other tests. The tests that we ARE doing can be coded for general health so it should be 100% covered! It was AWESOME because they didn't question me or even think twice before changing it so it was easier on us.

They are doing several tests on me, a Sonoshysterography. That sounds like it's very similar to a HSG.
They are doing another blood panel to check my FSH and LSH levels. And they are doing another test that I can't remember the name of it now... I want to say it was a "stims" test. But that might be my brain making things up. For that one, I have to wait for someone to call me in the next week, so I will know more soon.
They are also doing a 2 hour glucose test. Contrary to what my first doctor said, my insulin levels WERE high. They want to do the bloodwork and the glucose test to see if it really is PCOS or if it's another problem that tends to present like PCOS. Something with the adrenal glands I think....

After the appointment I felt like my head was going to EXPLODE, and I still feel like I don't really remember anything that was said. But I am feeling VERY comforted.


Paul is pretty happy with the appointment, and said he felt like he was more informed, which was a good thing. He likes the doctors as well.

Have you ever had one of those days...

Where you could feel God working in every little thing?

I swear it feels like God truly organized this appointment for us today. Not only was there a sudden cancellation, on a day that DH could actually go. I could be there, and now- when it usually takes up to a week to get records transferred, I have BOTH of my OBs faxing my records to the RE.

I am in an amazing mood because of this and I hope it lasts all day!!

I ovulated!!

All by myself!!!

Not that it really makes a difference as far as a pregnancy goes, but I'm super excited that my body did something on it's own!!

Granted, I'm on the Met, and I'm assuming that is the reason I did ovulate, but I wasn't on Clomid!

We have had a busy day, helping a friend move in exchange for two really cool china cabinets. I'm excited to put them in the new house, but for now they are in a storage unit until we move.

On our way to our friends house I called the REs office since I didn't get the referral paperwork until Friday night. After a very confusing phone conversation with Paul trying to input his thoughts and confusing me, we set up an appointment for April 13th. The receptionist told me that they had an appointment for 12:30 tomorrow, but I didn't think we would be able to make it because of Paul's crazy schedule these days. He works on what they call "E-Board". Basically he fills in for whoever calls off sick, breaks down etc. So his lunches and his start/end times vary from day to day.

Well this week he has a set schedule and is working what they call a "split shift". I didn't realize this until we were on our way home about an hour ago. We started talking about it and I said that if that was the case, I can probably schedule something for this week. And I mentioned the 12:30 cancellation they had tomorrow.

So guess what? We have our very first RE appointment tomorrow at 12:30!!!

I SO wasn't expecting it to happen this fast, and while I'm excited- I'm a little apprehensive now because it's a different situation than I thought it was. Since we didn't originally plan to do any ART, our options are limited depending on what the RE thinks of Paul's SA results.

And yes, I am reconsidering IUI. We had talked about it and about the costs involved for us, and decided against it. But IUI might be our best bet!! And I'm scared of the concept of saying "NO" to any treatment right now. I know that IVF is just way out of our budget, but I'm back to possibly considering IUI.

All in all, I'm excited to see what the RE has to say about my PCOS coupled with Paul's low sperm count.

And seriously, I know that it's a slim chance that I am PG right now because of the sperm count, but I am SO HAPPY that my body finally did something right. I feel like a lot less of a failure, but I don't feel like I can say that to Paul.... I don't think it would make him feel better about the whole situation.

Anger

That's what I'm feeling right now. And disappointment. And just an overall feeling of STUCK. We can't get pregnant right now, and it will take a while to get into the RE. Ok fine.

We can't start the foster process right now because we are in a house that we won't be living in in 6 months. I hate this house right now. I want out. But we need it to sell first.

Today I just lost it. I screamed at the house (after finding a bug in the bathroom, like that wouldn't happen ever at any other house LOL) and just wanted to move NOW. I want to be back in the town we are moving to. I want to be in the house that we will be in when we have kids, wherever that may be. I want to NOT be stuck in limbo where I can't fix anything but I can't change anything either. I want to NOT want to scream at everything and cry at even more. I want to NOT have to deal with this.

It's not fair. NOT FAIR.

I think that should be the official slogan for IF. It's NOT FAIR.

Why can stupid 16 year olds get pregnant when they don't deserve it?

I need to say that my husband is awesome. He is my rock, truly and completely. Tonight he just held me while I completely lost it. And he was my voice of reason and calm. How he is so strong about this I have NO idea. He is just awesome.

I need to stop ranting and go to bed. But I'm angry, and hurt, and a bunch of other emotions that I can't even put into words.

Full SA results

After my confusing conversation with the doctor yesterday, and after doing some of my own research coupled with chatting with a few IF friends- I asked the Dr for the full SA results.

Here is what I've got... and I'm still trying to interpret it right now.
This is what it looks like on the sheet I was given.

	In Range	Out of Range
Collected	1214
Received	1235
Examine	1240
Appearance	Normal
Volume, Seminal Fld		1.7 L
Viscosity, Seminal Fld.	HIGH
Active	70
Sluggish	10
Non-Motile	20
Forward Progression	80
Normal		8 L
Total Abnormal		92 H
Bacteria	None Seen
WBC, Seminal Fluid	Moderate
RBC, Seminal Fluid	None Seen
Epithelial Cells	None Seen
Count/mL [Semen]		16.6 L
Total Count/Volume		28.20 L

I'm interpreting this to mean that his actual count is 16.6. Which makes more sense considering my Dr's opinion on the results.

Either way, I can't wait to see the RE now. I just want to get this all sorted out. I'm done with the "break" from TTC and now I want to fix it.

Story of my life LOL

SA Results

My doctor just called.

Sperm count is low-28 million.
I don't know what that means, so I'm off to Google. DH is pretty upset, but is at work so we can't really talk about it.

What a great way to start the day.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I WILL be a Mom

I have Joshua today, and it's been a fun day. I always enjoy my days with him because I feel like I have more purpose. I also get more accomplished because I can't sit and watch TV.

We were having lunch, and I swear, everything he does is cute. I can't help but laugh at him when he eats. And it hurts a little because this is what I want EVERY day. And I feel like it's never going to happen. But I know that God has a plan. I trust that I will be a Mom someday. Whether it's a child that is biologically ours or one that we were blessed with through adoption, I know that God will bless us with a child.

The problems for me come in when I try to tell God HOW to bless us with a child. I am one of those Christians who thinks that God HAS to have a sense of humor. I have this image in my head of God's reaction when we tell him what WE think he should do in our lives. It's generally the reaction my husband has when I ask him to do something outrageous. He looks at me with a blank face, and then busts out laughing.

And really, that's what God SHOULD do when we try to take over the plans! Who am I to tell GOD what is best. I know NOTHING compared to him.

I try to remind myself of this when my control-freak nature surfaces. I'm not always successful, but I try.

A cup, a gallbladder, and a referral

In no particular order ;)

DH had his SA today and I had to visit my PCP for a referral to the RE. I also needed to talk to her about my horrible heartburn in the last six months. It's gotten out of hand to the point that I can only eat bland foods or I am in pain all day.

We had to go to the hospital lab for the SA and it wasn't at all what I was expecting. After being sent to two different places, and getting lost trying to get to the lab from the first office, DH was ushered into a small procedure room. Since this room is used for more blood draws than anything else, there wasn't any "material".
The whole thing was very awkward and just.... clinical I guess. I don't know what I was expecting...

I had to hurry to get to my PCP, which was about 30 minutes from the hospital.

Once I got in I talked to her about the referral. She knows my OB very well and didn't question my request for one, and didn't even ask any questions. 

Then I asked her about my heartburn, just expecting her to prescribe some type of acid reflux medication. She asked me a bunch of questions and prescribed a medicine, but then also mentioned that it might be a gallbladder problem.

Apparently, I'm just falling apart. I'm supposed to take the meds for a few weeks and if I am still having problems she wants to do an ultrasound to see if everything is OK with my gallbladder.

Seriously, is there any reason that my body hates me this year?

Also, DH has been a bear for the last couple of days. He is apparently freaking out about the SA results and instead of talking about it, he is cranky and sulky. We were talking on the way to the hospital and I swear his feelings could have come straight from my head. I told him that even though I wouldn't wish that kind of overthinking on ANYONE, it was nice to know that he REALLY understood now what my mind has been like for the last 11 months.

We should have the results within a few days, and my PCP said she could get me the referral in a few days as well. We are moving forward! YEAY!

Update and explanation

Baby Luke hasn't improved much, but it's been more than 24 hours since I posted my last post and he is still fighting. PRAISE GOD!

Luke has been in the hospital for three weeks at first for Pneumonia and then for an additional infection. Yesterday morning (well Friday morning since it is now Sunday) his lung collapsed and he had to have a tube put in. Then they had to put another one it. It was at that point that they said he probably wouldn't make it through the night because the measures they were taking were not working.

After our church and everyone we could possibly ask has been praying for him all night, he seems to be holding on quite well.




His blood oxygen levels and a couple other numbers were up which is a good thing, and that is the last I have heard.




I ended up still going on the trip, and I am posting this in my hotel room with H in the next bed. She and I are ready to pass out, but are watching a bit of TV right now trying to wind down.



This conference has been absolutely amazing and exactly what I needed. I think it has helped H deal with everything that is going on as well.



I have an interesting story to share but I am far too tired right now to actually type it out. So I'll save it for later.

Thank you to everyone that has prayed for Baby Luke, and please continue to do so. He is far from out of the woods at this point.

PLEASE PRAY

My trip has been apparently cancelled. I can't get into all the details right now. But please pray.

H- the teen I was taking to the conference, has a baby nephew. His name is Luke and he is only 2.5 months old. He has been in the hospital for 3 weeks right now and the doctors have told the family that they don't think he will make it through the night. His poor little body is just so little and it apparently can't fight anymore.

Please pray for Baby Luke and his family. I can't imagine the pain his mother is going through. I am feeling helpless and all I can do right now is pray and ask for prayers.

Thank you.

Metformin

So I have been on Metformin for about 4 months now, and I am still dealing with the not so fun side effects. But I am also realizing that is has helped me to lose 10+ lbs without even trying. Now a part of that was a week that I had strep throat and could only eat applesauce and mashed potatoes LOL.

But I have resigned (for the 80th time this year) that I am going to work out every day. I love my Wii Fit Plus and I really enjoy working out. Right now I am keeping it simple, and I just use the calorie goal on the Wii Fit. I love it. Boxing is super fun and burns calories easily :)

Aside from that I can tell that I feel better. I don't know what I am expecting for this cycle. I want to believe that being on Met for the last few months could make me have a cycle on my own. But then the reality that it just might not happen. So I am back to charting (just to be aware of what's going on) and wondering what is going on with my body. I know it was the right thing to take a break from the Clomid... but right now I feel like we have moved backward.

In other news, I am going away for the weekend. I am an assistant youth leader at our church and this weekend we have a youth leadership conference. It's actually for the teens and I am taking one of them. Our main youth leader has to work this weekend so I said I would. I am really looking forward to it. The teen that I am taking- we will call her H- is special to me. I have been attending this church since I was 9, with about a 6 year break in there. I babysat H when she was a baby, along with her older brothers. She has grown to be such an amazing young woman, and I just love hanging out with her.

I will be back on Sunday afternoon and we aren't going far, but I'm still really looking forward to it. :)

Things I will never understand

This has little to do with infertility or PCOS, but it's something that bothers me almost weekly.

My family history is confusing at best, and just generally messed up. I have an older half sister, and a younger half brother. We all share the same father, and they share the same mother. My father was having an ongoing affair with their mother while he was married to my mom. My sister is a mere 4 months older than me. My brother is 2.5 years younger than me.

When my sister and I were 5 years old, her mother decided that she didn't want my father around the two of them, and I didn't see her or my brother for a very long time. This was very hard because my sister and I were VERY close, since we were so close in age. My brother was pretty young however, and to this day doesn't remember me at all.

When I was a teenager, my sister and I reconnected and have had a unique relationship since then. She and my brother were adopted when she was 8, and she and my brother do not care to have any type of relationship with my father. I understand that, because although I love my father, it was a sticky situation. But I am still their sister. I am blood. And I have been very grateful to have a relationship with my sister, albeit unusual since we are very different people now.

But my brother has no desire to have anything to do with me or to even KNOW me.

I can't comprehend this. In fact, it kills me. This is my baby brother. I remember him as a baby. I remember loving on him and giving him kisses and just being protective of him. And he doesn't want to know me.

About 6 months ago I ran into him and his older sister (not my sister, but an additional sibling that I am still in contact with- I told you it was a crazy story!) and he didn't recognize me at all. After the encounter I contacted the sister and told her that I understand that he doesn't want to know me, but I wanted him to know that my door was always open and I would love to get to know him.

And nothing. When I talked to my sister months later I learned a bit more but the bottom line is my brother has no desire to know me at all.

I have tried to come to terms with this but I just can't get over it. I happen to think I'm pretty awesome. And I know he doesn't remember me, but shouldn't he want to know ME just by the simple fact that we share DNA?

I have a bad habit of watching the show "The Locator". It's a great show, and I often enjoy watching them. But occasionally the stories revolve around siblings. And in tonight's episode, it's a younger brother crying because he wants to know his sister.

And I get upset. Because I can't understand. I want to know WHY. I don't want to push him, because that obviously won't accomplish anything. But I would like to know what about the thought of knowing me is so horrible. I don't intend to push my father on him, as I have proved in my relationship with my sister. And even though he hates my father- I have NOTHING to do with what happened back then. I was just a kid too. I was caught in the middle too.

I so desperately want to get to know my baby brother, and he doesn't want to know me. That's the bottom line. Maybe one day he will change his mind, but I can't count on that. So I just keep trying to deal with it, and occasionally feel the need to cry and rant about it. Because family is all that matters to me. And I just can't wrap my brain around not wanting to get to know a member of my family.